want another but mixed signals from DH

[danube]

We have a 16 month DD and I'm almost 35. I'd like to have another soon, like now, but a few months back DH dropped the bomb on me that he wasn't sure that he wanted anymore. Before having DD, we had always said we wouldn't have just one.

I felt pretty bad about it for a few months, betrayed almost. But then I decided just to focus on the baby I already had and felt a little better about it.

I still haven't seen AF yet, although I've noticed fertile cervical fluid the past few days. DH remarked last night that my hormones must be changing because of increased drive. We did NFP before DD and even though 2 of our close friends have gotten pregnant while nursing, he doesn't seem concerned that I will. (Still nursing DD). I kind of take that to mean that he is ok with me getting pregnant, because he's smart enough to know that if we are leaving things to chance, well, we're leaving things to chance. I'm of course really hoping it happens. But when he talks about getting rid of DD's outgrown baby things, I get a wave of sadness all over again.

Financially we're in a really good position for another one right now. DH doesn't work and DD goes to nursery school 8-12 4 mornings a week. I have a job with 16 weeks paid maternity leave. However, I can't guarantee that will be the case 3 years from now and of course, I'm not getting any younger.

[danube]

This should probably be in Family Planning rather than TTC, could it be moved please?

[grisandole]

Moved for you :) I don't have much to add as my dh doesn't want more and I do. It's a rough spot to be in and like you, I just focus on my kids. It's hard though because they are older, and dh and I don't have one together :(

[katelove]

I'm afraid I don't have much advice either but I would suggest not assuming that he assumes you can't get pregnant while breast feeding. I would make it very clear to him that it is not a guaranteed method and becomes less reliable as your child gets older and feeds less.

Otherwise I think you risk getting pregnant and him freaking out because he didn't think it was possible. Always better to address these issues *before* there is an actual baby to complicate things IMO :-)

[Starfish11]

I can commiserate. I am on board for a third but DH is leaning toward no. I am trying to not push the topic as he knows about my desire but he's someone who likes to think about things independently; every so often he broaches the conversation again even though he's not moved from his original position.

And it's true, too, that I am the person who charts and historically pushes the bc at the right time. So I know that I could just not say anything in the heat of the moment and might make a baby. What keeps me vigilant, though, is that unless I hear from him that he wants a third, too, I would always feel guilty about it and it might affect how I mother that child and even our relationship.

[danube]

Originally Posted by Starfish11 

 "I would always feel guilty about it and it might affect how I mother that child and even our relationship."

Exactly. And katelove, thanks for the kick in the pants about the assuming. I brought the whole thing up with him last night and he said he's been thinking about my fertility, too. I said ok, but we can't just "think" about it, because if it happens, it HAPPENS. There was more to the coversation, but in a nutshell he is ok with the possibility. I'm not exactly comfortable with that position- looking for a little more enthusiasm I guess. I told him I didn't want him to "be ok" with it just because he knows I want it. It will take both of us on board to be the parents we want to be.

Before I was pregnant with DD, he didn't really think it would happen because I have just one ovary and other issues, but thanks to NFP, we knew exactly when to DTD and got it on the first month trying. He didn't really think I was pregnant even though I suspected and he wasn't as excited as I would have liked when the home test came back positive. He wasn't negative about it, but wasn't jumping up and down either. (If it happens this time, I will jump up and down alone if need be!) However, he is an awesome dad- better than I ever thought possible.

[dayiscoming2006]

He probably just doesn't like being responsible for more lives. The more kids you have the more responsibility the less fun and games. Just my thoughts. I base this on his reaction to the first pregnancy as well. He went through much of his life being able to be selfish and only care about himself and you later on. I remember after having my first, I still had some left over selfishness, but later my heart warmed more to my child and to more children being a part of our family. I'm not judging him, I'm just giving my honest opinion on the situation.
If you want another and he is open to allowing for it though not jumping for joy, it's kind of like last time with your first. He most likely will be a good dad again to the next child and will accept the situation.

[danube]

dayiscoming2006, I think you nailed it.
 

[organicviolin]

If he's open to it then don't be worried about how his reaction differs from yours. You aren't the same people and you each have a different energy that manifests itself differently in each of you.

Currently we're pregnant with no 3. It was a surprise baby and dh was not happy. He was done at 2 and while we Nfp it didn't quite work as anticipated. Once we talked a lot about it and now he's accepted and looking fwd to it. He was also so glad that it wasn't twins (bc originally it was, but one didn't make it) that it made him really happy for a healthy baby.

[danube]

Originally Posted by organicviolin 

He was also so glad that it wasn't twins (bc originally it was, but one didn't make it) that it made him really happy for a healthy baby.

Twins! Wow- Now that would be something. It's sad that one didn't make it, but I'm happy that the other is healthy!

[organicviolin]

I was relieved as well. That would've really thwarted my night time nursing of not sitting up!!

[danube]

Update: I got my first PPAF this week. I feel a little sad about it, really, and I'm not sure why. Somehow it makes me feel like DD is growing up so fast?

DH started using withdrawl method, which kind of annoyed me. He also said he was willing to compromise and TTC this year, but if it didn't happen in a year then we stop. He says he still doesn't really want two. However, he says if we had another, he knows he would love it just as much as he does DD and he worries that I would resent him later on if we didn't give it another try.

Not sure how I feel about that yet. I'm still trying to figure it out.
 

[organicviolin]

Remember men think very differently than women. So while what he's saying doesn't make you 'feel' good about it, he doesn't see it that way. To him, he just said yes, with conditions (meaning ttc for 1 yr). If it was me I would be pleased that he came that far. I think if a baby was going to be made, he would be happy and supportive

[danube]

Wow, I never thought of it like that...
 

[Kaydove]

One thing I want to bring up is that it sounds like he's the main care giver during the day, after DD gets home from nursery school, so maybe his trepidation is how he's going to handle caring for two until you get home from work. Just a thought. 

[danube]

Yes, he is the main caregiver in the afternoon. When I'm home (evenings, mornings, weekends) DD is all over me and sometimes DH feels a little bad that she will drop everything (such as playing with him) and run to me whenever I enter a room. I think it is just a stage- she's still nursing, I work full time, and she's going through a lot of developmental changes. But I think he still wishes she would not just shove him aside whenever she sees me.

So maybe he's torn- is looking forward to finally getting some freedom back now that she's not a tiny baby anymore but at the same time feels second fiddle.

Finally fired up my Lady-Comp last night after 2 years and got it ready to use again. But, I need to clarify with DH how hard he's willing to TTC and whether he wants to use a fertility monitor or just wing it.