Hispanic mother in law constantly disrespectng african american daughter for last 5 years

[lovely89]

I am a young african american strong woman that has been with my loving fiancee for 5.5 years. Every aspect of our relationship is wonderful and happy, we have a 4 yr old son and one on the way (6months pregnant). The problem is his disrespectful mother. this lady is so miserable that she does everything in her power to make my life a living hell. when me and her son first got together she spread to the whole family that i was a whore that was going to cheat on her son and that our relationship would fail. Every time she is confronted with something she pputs on this HUGE front and lies that she loves me so much and blah blah blah. its so bad that her own family has came forward and tells me what she says. She is constantly spreading rumors about people and always saying something negative about someone. She never acknowledges her grandson EXCEPT the day before a holdiay so they can take 'family' pictures. My son recently started pre-school and instead of her praising him and saying she is proud she instead talks about her other grandchildren and how well they are doing. This hurts me so so much she has been treating him this way since he was born and he is the first grandchild. She constantly does indirect things to me whether its talking about my insecurities in front of other family members while im standing right there. She has 2 daughters that are like her minions that constantly give me a hard time. They have gone as far as trash talking me on twitter and facebook saying they wish their brother would get rid of me already. They have gone as far as to bring other hispanic girls around (while i was around) my fiancee to get them better acquainted so that he will leave me. The mother constantly tries to bring other girls around that wears the skimpiest clothes and she also puts indirect things on facebook of me. It just has gotten worse over the years and its starting to affect me to the point where i cannot trust any women because of how these people have treated me. I feel like i have been scarred for life by them being so evil and vicious. My fiancee has on numnerous occasions confronted them on how they disrespect me so they respond by involving the whole famkily to pile against me. Its always at least 5 of them against just me. when i come around they talk about me right in front of my face. We dont ask them for anything they have never given my son anything and instead of her being happy for the baby that we have on the way she has made up this big drama about talking to me in a very disrespectful way about my own parents. she has no respect, her life is miserable constantly looks for what is going bad in our lives. We both work hard to provide for our life and she just hates the fact that we dont need her like that. Every chance she gets she says 'my son never needs his mother for anything, she stole him from me'. i thought you were supposed to raise your son to leave the nest and become a man that provides for his family, i just dont get it and it hurts me very much. i am tired of crying to my fiancee about it because i dont want him to feel like he is in the middle but i have absolutely no one that can relate to what im dealing with. this woman is  manipulative tht she snakes her way in to start drama & throws it off like her daughters feel that way about me when really she is the ring leader. we are getting married soon and instead of her being happy for us she instead talks about how she wants her son to legally change his lat name to her current last name so that we will have her last name we get married. im like are u serious, her name has been that name since he was a young child and noiw all of a sudden its a big deal. Every decision my fiancee makes that she doesnt like she blames me saying ki make him go thru changes or she says something to make him feel like im hurting her or just starting stuff when its ALWAYS her starting the drama. I just cant deal anymore our relationship is strong but i dont think i can take another 5 years of his family and i love him so much..I really need some advice everyone i know has NEVER had to deal with this and gets along well with their in-laws. I cant deal someone please give me advice on this horrible nightmare i have to constantly live.

[little feet]

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  It sounds like the problem has much more to do with your MIL than with you or anything you've done - you're just a convenient target for her.  Is it possible for you to distance yourself from her at all?  Does your DH understand how toxic his mother is?  Her negativity towards you can end up hurting your relationship, and she could definitely inflict emotional damage on your children as well.  It may be helpful for you and your DH to read about narcissistic personality disorder, because from what you describe your MIL exhibits many traits.  In any case, the way she is behaving is wrong.  Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

[IsaFrench]

not everybody gets along with they in-laws

this is a fact

you might not have noticed it in real life beforehand but it is so

people who get along well are very lucky and not the majority

it is sad for you that it is not the case

if there's no goodwill coming from the in-laws

then there's not much you can do your side ... except explaining to your future husband that

for your well-being, for the well-being of your children

for the well-being of the relationship between you two

... it is not possible to keep up close interaction

contact between you and them will have to be determined according to what feels comfortable to you

it's probably not what you wanted

it's probably not what the in-law wanted either

considering the cards you have been dealt, that's the best you can come up with

(and i say all this because the situation has been difficult for me for more than 10 years

& 6 months ago, my MIL told my husband that she wanted to kill me because of something i talked about

& now my husband has had a major personnal crisis - feels real real bad

... and i wish now that i had put my foot down much earlier ....)

[singin'intherain]

Your situation depends a lot on how your fiancée deals with it. It's isn't about you. It's not your family, and you don't have to fix it. Your fiancée has the power and the responsibility to deal with this, and he should. I know it's hard for him, but he needs to draw the line with her. He needs to tell her that if she treats his wife disrespectfully, she doesn't get to have him and his kids in her life. You two can't have a happy marriage if he allows someone from his life to come into your home and hurt you. That's what it means to grow up, be a man, and support your own family.

Once he puts his foot down, she will no doubt toe the line.

[IsaFrench]

sometimes ... husbands are not ready to put their foot down ....for years

(= it takes them years, to grow up and dare do it or resolve to do it

... am talking about my personal experience ...)

in which case, protective measures concerning yourself and your children are totally in order

Edited by IsaFrench - 11/4/12 at 7:10am

[KarinaNYC]

I think you should have an honest conversation with your fiancé and lay out all your feelings. He needs to know how this is affecting you and the potential damage it may cause in your relationship. For your own sanity and emotional well-being, I recommend you have limited to no contact with her & his family if at all possible. I'm not a believer in mending relationships if the other individual isn't responsive. It will only cause more heartache and resentment for you. Your fiancé needs to respect you & your feelings. Don't badmouth his mother, but make it clear that her hurtful words & actions have lead you to the conclusion that the relationship is not mendable. I really believe distancing yourself, especially now during your pregnancy, is the best plan of action. Of course, your fiancé can & should maintain some semblance of a relationship with his mom. But you're totally within your right to avoid this drama and focus on you and your children. In my opinion, her actions sound like they may be founded on bigotry/bias. You don't need that in your life.