HELP! Pregnant and dislike kids - Page 2

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by Skoook 

Thanks to everyone who has responded!

I've been thinking a lot about my situation. One thing that haunts me is always having another human around me, or having to be responsible at all times for that human. I am a very private person and require a lot of alone time. One thing about me is that I am spontaneous to a fault, having a kid may bring me down on that aspect. At the current moment, I feel that I will be overwhelmed with having to care for another. The thought of waking up every morning to take the kid to school sounds awful, then making sure I'm around or someone is around to pick up the kid, etc.

More thoughts to come...

You might feel a little better if you (a) talked to a therapist, and (b) looked into daycares.  I say therapist because some of this definitely sounds like it could use a professional perspective, and some consideration concerning anxiety issues.  And daycares, because they have saved my life when I haven't been able to provide day to day care for my kids, because of work or health issues or, frankly, the fact that the daycare gets my kids to the park twice a day, and we all go slowly stir crazy when we're home together all the time.

You talk about your spontanaiety, and how overwhelming it would be to have to wake up every morning and take a kid to school, but... you have dogs.  Do they not require any level of daily routine, or care, or planning?  (Or, for that matter, cleaning - seriously, you've cleaned up after dogs, trust me when I say that diapers are not worse then that.)

And then there's this unavoidable fact:  a child will change your life.  A child is an obligation that requires major changes in behavior.  That can be frightening.  Being a good parent requires you to get past that, some way or other.  Some people face it head on and talk it over with pros.  Some people sidle past it, doing what needs to be done while giving the parts that upset them minimal consideration. Some people cut deals with their partners to avoid the parts that scare them most.

There is no obligation to become a parent.  You don't have to do it.  But if you do it, there is an obligation to get over the petty inconveniences and meet your child's needs. 

[sillychick]

I wasn't crazy about having kids, but did not have the body issues til I had not lost the weight 2 years later because I didn't try at all and it's easy enough to exercise, babies love it outside, stick 'em in a backpack or sling and you bring them with you - if you fit them in YOUR life, you won't be losing your identity by centering around them.  I love my kids, so happy to have had them, but I am NOT a kid person - something about birthing my first one and holding him and I was hooked.  I graduated college 5 months pregnant with a 10 month old on my hip - I made it work and it works for us.  I have a friend at work who feels similarly to you and her husband to your husband.  lots of love to you, hoping you sort that out and it works out. <3

[Nightwish]

Originally Posted by Skoook 

Wow, thanks for all the replies. I have a lot to think about!

If it all goes through, I would be a stay at home mom technically. However, I'm in school full time working my way towards a PhD, am a musician in bands, and actively compete in dog sports. My life is completely full, no time left over.

About dogs and kids... I know they go together, but I have herding dogs and one especially doesn't like kids and will nip at them. I honestly don't know how it would all go. And if my "kid" ever hit my dogs, I would feel like disowning the kid...

I was in your shoes 7 years ago... Complete with being a PhD student and having a dog.

I also dislike kids, even now I often scare kids. I don't want to hold new babies, I don't want to talk to kids at the park etc.

And yet, I've been breastfeeding my own for the past 7 years, co-slept for the same length of time, stayed at home (now I'm back to work)...

Your baby will be different from other kids. He / she is a person whose personality will amaze and humble you.

Go back to your past and see what caused this dislike of children. For me, I credit it to my mom who completely despised herself as a woman, and despised the fact that she had girls and taught us how to hate our bodies.

Then make sure you embrace this experience fully, don't try to avoid it because you can't. Make sure you have a gentle birth, breastfeed, stay home with baby for as long as you can. Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding won't ruin your body, they will complete it. You will be amazed at the power you have as a woman.

Read Ina May Gaskin.

[MeepyCat]

Originally Posted by Nightwish 

Then make sure you embrace this experience fully, don't try to avoid it because you can't. Make sure you have a gentle birth, breastfeed, stay home with baby for as long as you can. Pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding won't ruin your body, they will complete it. You will be amazed at the power you have as a woman.

Read Ina May Gaskin.

I just want to hit this a little, because I know if I had read this advice when I was pregnant, it would have straight-up terrified me, and I haven't changed so much that it doesn't.

Birth is not entirely under our control.  We make choices that we hope will give us the best odds, and in the end, we get the births we get.  It is not possible to "make sure you have a gentle birth."  I'm sure we all wish it was, but it's one of those things that cannot be guaranteed.

With my first baby, I went back to school very early (he was ten weeks old) and was very happy.  I stayed home much longer with my second, and by the end of the third month, I was basically climbing the walls.  Some people are extremely happy and fulfilled being at home with their children, others are not, either path is okay.

How long to breastfeed is another incredibly personal thing.  Some people love it.  Some people find it makes their skin crawl.  There are alternatives.

And Ina May Gaskin... oh, I know she's the mother of modern midwifery, and loads of people love her books, but I find her just incredibly offputting.  She has this insistence that if the birth isn't progressing, it must be because the mother needs to process some kind of emotional issue or ambivalence about the baby.  An astounding number of the non-progressing labors in her book are "resolved" by a quick relationship counseling session, or clitoral stimulation, either of which is about the last thing I would want anyone to try with me during  labor.  And it bugs me that she refers to female genitalia as the  "taint".  It bugs me a lot.

[Indian summer]

Hi and welcome to the board. I have an admission to make. I felt the very same way about getting a dog. I am a natural baby whisperer type person, but when it comes to dogs, I'm clueless and overwhelmed. Having said that, my whole family had been begging for a dog for years and so last year, I caved and after very careful research ended up with the an f1b goldendoodle girl. Oh, she was cute enough in the puppy stage, but she peed on the floor and I didn't have a clue how to make her stop. Nor did I know what to do about her chewing our shoes and eating our socks and running from me when I wanted her to come and having energy to burn when I had none. Oye! And I'm a bit ashamed to admit she wasn't my first pick from the litter so I was a bit disappointed to find someone else got my top choice of one that looked to me at the time a bit cuter.

Well a year later and lots of support from friends, online sources, and advice from books etc. I'm pretty smitten with her. I learned some dog training techniques that I still don't fully understand, (it still isn't my forte), and she listens to me more often than not and I adore her because I live with her and she's mine. She doesn't chew our stuff anymore and does her business outside and that has helped me warm up to her. I still have moments when I have no idea what she wants, what she is trying to tell me, but I do my best and she seems happy and healthy. And I LOVE her now. She is a member of the family and I would be devastated if anything bad happened to her.

I know, I know, a baby is not the same thing. But I thought a dog lover might get my comparison. I'll bet you could imagine loving any dog that you spent enough time with and I promise you, it will be the same with your child. And it sounds like you have all the qualities of a great mom already. Your kid is lucky to have you and one day you will laugh when you think of the way you felt before having your child. Think back on all the dogs you've ever loved and think specifically of your favourite one. Imagine if it were possible to love something even more than you loved that dog because that is what you are about to experience. You may not believe it now, but it will happen.

[Indian summer]

Forgot to mention one more thing. I read your concern that your kid might not be nice to your dogs, but exactly because he or she is being raised by you, in a home filled with dogs and dog activity and dog love, the child will likely be a natural with dogs and with some gentle guidance from you will love them as much as you do. The old expression children learn what they live is true.

[Nightwish]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat 

I just want to hit this a little, because I know if I had read this advice when I was pregnant, it would have straight-up terrified me, and I haven't changed so much that it doesn't.

Birth is not entirely under our control.  We make choices that we hope will give us the best odds, and in the end, we get the births we get.  It is not possible to "make sure you have a gentle birth."  I'm sure we all wish it was, but it's one of those things that cannot be guaranteed.

With my first baby, I went back to school very early (he was ten weeks old) and was very happy.  I stayed home much longer with my second, and by the end of the third month, I was basically climbing the walls.  Some people are extremely happy and fulfilled being at home with their children, others are not, either path is okay.

How long to breastfeed is another incredibly personal thing.  Some people love it.  Some people find it makes their skin crawl.  There are alternatives.

And Ina May Gaskin... oh, I know she's the mother of modern midwifery, and loads of people love her books, but I find her just incredibly offputting.  She has this insistence that if the birth isn't progressing, it must be because the mother needs to process some kind of emotional issue or ambivalence about the baby.  An astounding number of the non-progressing labors in her book are "resolved" by a quick relationship counseling session, or clitoral stimulation, either of which is about the last thing I would want anyone to try with me during  labor.  And it bugs me that she refers to female genitalia as the  "taint".  It bugs me a lot.

My advice was: give yourself permission to enjoy having a baby, giving birth, breastfeeding. By "make sure you have a gentle birth" I didn't mean to say you MUST have a gentle birth. Or you MUST breastfeed for X years. Just make sure you open up to the experience.

I asked for an epidural in my 7th month of pregnancy.

I planned to breastfeed only because it was cheaper. I loved breastfeeding and it made my skin crawl, sometimes at the same time.

I was back to my PhD courses 2 weeks after the birth of my first. I was ok with it and proud of how much I can accomplish.

I wish I wouldn't have fought so much against mothering. Just embrace the experience. Enjoy my baby. And see where it takes me.

I too was given the advice to have a natural birth with my first on a public forum and childbirth was described as being "empowering". I thought the woman was nuts. But it was intriguing enough as to make me look for more answers (and ask the right questions).

Edited by Nightwish - 10/17/12 at 1:24pm