I just don't understand. I have incredibly healthy pregnancies, a scary level of fertility- we make the most beautiful babies after only 10 minutes of thinking 'now's an okay time to try'. However, it it were totally left to my body, we would have to watch them all starve to death. I thought I was 'over it' after the last disappointing experience- that I had at least come to terms with the limits of my body. However, once again, I am to the point of tears any time I think about it. How do I make peace with myself and my body?
So, when do I give up pumping? When do we move from the SNS to bottles? How long do I keep pumping myself full of pills? I've done the bottle + formula thing for 2 full years. It was always such a joy to pack it all away the week of their first birthdays. I have prided myself on the fact that my boys never learned to hold the bottle for themselves because there was always someone who loved them to cuddle and feed them. There are so, so many things I am able to give to and do for my kids, yet I feel broken and incompetent.
It doesn't help that every formula on the US market has some glaring deficiency, but I don't yet have it in me to go the homemade route (yet). My midwife had hoped to get some breastmilk donated from the home birth community, but the timing didn't work out and none has been available.