This is my second post here and am not sure if this is where it goes...so if it needs to be moved...
I am feeling so deflated, sad, heartbroken... my h and I have always had our issues and every so often they creep up. We have always managed to over come them but its getting to be really exhausting. We survived infidelity on his part two years ago. Since then its been a roller coaster on my part. When he told me about it-I had my suspicions-he told me that he had done it because he was at the lowest part of his life...that he was suicidal...and that the ow made him feel happy. That I never provided him any attention...I was always busy with our children...I never made time for him. At the time our children were 1 and 4. I also worked fulltime. He worked long hours so when he did get home in the late evenings I was so exhausted. So pretty much it was my fault. He never took blame for any of it. I got past that by just blocking things out. Anyhow, children are 5 and 3 now. The three year old is very high maintenance. It is tantruming and crying what seems like all day long. He fights alot with the older one, picks on him, cries when he doesn't get his way. It's crazy. I just tell myself that this too shall pass and its his age. H gets totally annoyed with the crying and yelling...understandably but refuses to pitch in with any discipline. A couple of weeks ago he put him in time out and pretty much told me that he was done that I was in charge of all discipline and he wasn't going to have anything to do with it. He was really upset. The next day, he told me that we were not working out (which is what he tells me just about everytime we have an argument). We can't have healthy arguments because I am always wrong and we aren't working out. So I pretty much try to avoid arguing as much as I can. Fast forward to this day... I am just feeling so just sad. He wasn't kidding about not doing any discipline. When the little one is doing something he's not supposed to...H will literally call me over so that I can tell the little something...I could be cleaning the kitchen or putting a load in the washer...he will call me...Most of this takes place in the living room so he's watching tv and the kids are playing there... I just don't get it! Really?
I try my best to keep the little content and quiet but it's virtually impossible. Just so H doesn't get annoyed.
He has become very disconnected since we have had that argument. Doesn't really talk to us...doesn't spend time with the children...almost like he's annoyed we are around. That's the feeling I get anyway. He comes and goes as he pleases...out for drinks with friends, hunting, fishing...sometimes I feel like the only reason he sticks around is for the kids and because there's no where else to go...no money.
He says he's stressed out, he's unemployed and looking for a job but hasn't gotten any callbacks. He's going to college full time. We are behind on all our payments. I get the stress...I am stressed out too. My salary pays for health insurance (which is high), daycare, and utilities... totally not enough. I worry about bills, about groceries...but I don't block everyone out.
Sorry for rambling but I am just feeling so deflated...not really sure what I am expecting from here just needed to get it off my chest.
My H has revealed to me that the affair he had two years ago produced a baby that is now over a year old!!! OMG!!! I have been an emotional wreck all week. I don't even know what to think! I havent asked him everything I want to ask (we didn't get to finish talking). I plan to in the next couple of days. When he revealed this to me...he said it was up to me as to what I wanted to do...he also brought up the no affection on my part again. He stated that he does not know that if he wants to form a relationship with the child and that the ow has asked him to sign over his rights. He still has not decided.
He said that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said that he thinks that he has a mental illness (runs in the family) that he needs to get treated. I believe that he does.
Everytime I think about it I just want to throw up...he says that the ow now hates him but does not keep him away from the child. I do want to go to counseling as some of you have suggested but I have no money...not even for the copay...
Edited by chikeemomma - 10/20/12 at 2:55pm