Deflated (Update)

[chikeemomma]

Hello All,

This is my second post here and am not sure if this is where it goes...so if it needs to be moved...

I am feeling so deflated, sad, heartbroken... my h and I have always had our issues and every so often they creep up.  We have always managed to over come them but its getting to be really exhausting.  We survived infidelity on his part two years ago.  Since then its been a roller coaster on my part.  When he told me about it-I had my suspicions-he told me that he had done it because he was at the lowest part of his life...that he was suicidal...and that the ow made him feel happy.  That I never provided him any attention...I was always busy with our children...I never made time for him.  At the time our children were 1 and 4.  I also worked fulltime.  He worked long hours so when he did get home in the late evenings I was so exhausted.  So pretty much it was my fault.  He never took blame for any of it.  I got past that by just blocking things out.  Anyhow, children are 5 and 3 now.  The three year old is very high maintenance.  It is tantruming and crying what seems like all day long.  He fights alot with the older one, picks on him, cries when he doesn't get his way.  It's crazy.  I just tell myself that this too shall pass and its his age.  H gets totally annoyed with the crying and yelling...understandably but refuses to pitch in with any discipline.  A couple of weeks ago he put him in time out and pretty much told me that he was done that I was in charge of all discipline and he wasn't going to have anything to do with it.  He was really upset.  The next day, he told me that we were not working out (which is what he tells me just about everytime we have an argument).  We can't have healthy arguments because I am always wrong and we aren't working out.  So I pretty much try to avoid arguing as much as I can.  Fast forward to this day... I am just feeling so just sad.  He wasn't kidding about not doing any discipline.  When the little one is doing something he's not supposed to...H will literally call me over so that I can tell the little something...I could be cleaning the kitchen or putting a load in the washer...he will call me...Most of this takes place in the living room so he's watching tv and the kids are playing there...  I just don't get it!  Really? 

I try my best to keep the little content and quiet but it's virtually impossible.  Just  so H doesn't get annoyed.

He has become very disconnected since we have had that argument.  Doesn't really talk to us...doesn't spend time with the children...almost like he's annoyed we are around.  That's the feeling I get anyway.  He comes and goes as he pleases...out for drinks with friends, hunting, fishing...sometimes I feel like the only reason he sticks around is for the kids and because there's no where else to go...no money.

He says he's stressed out, he's unemployed and looking for a job but hasn't gotten any callbacks.  He's going to college full time.  We are behind on all our payments.  I get the stress...I am stressed out too.  My salary pays for health insurance (which is high), daycare, and utilities... totally not enough.  I worry about bills, about groceries...but I don't block everyone out. 

Sorry for rambling but I am just feeling so deflated...not really sure what I am expecting from here just needed to get it off my chest.

***Update***

My H has revealed to me that the affair he had two years ago produced a baby that is now over a year old!!!  OMG!!!  I have been an emotional wreck all week.  I don't even know what to think!  I havent asked him everything I want to ask (we didn't get to finish talking).  I plan to in the next couple of days.  When he revealed this to me...he said it was up to me as to what I wanted to do...he also brought up the no affection on my part again.  He stated that he does not know that if he wants to form a relationship with the child and that the ow has asked him to sign over his rights.  He still has not decided.

He said that he loved me and wanted to be with me.  He said that he thinks that he has a mental illness (runs in the family) that he needs to get treated.  I believe that he does.

Everytime I think about it I just want to throw up...he says that the ow now hates him but does not keep him away from the child.  I do want to go to counseling as some of you have suggested but I have no money...not even for the copay...

Edited by chikeemomma - 10/20/12 at 2:55pm

[Momsteader]

Sounds like huge stress in your life right now. Just couldn't not read, and not comment. Does your employer offer EAP? Many do, and the first initial counseling sessions are free. It might give you some clarity for decision making. You could go with your husband or on your own. 

[tropicana]

why are you keeping hum around??

i'd be inclined to just agree with him. it's not working out. sounds like you'll be better off on your own...

[Emaye]

He might be doing you a favor by suggesting that you two are not working out.  Tell him he is right and ask him to leave.  He does not seem to be adding anything good to your life so why keep him? He sounds like an entitled jerk!  

Let him go.  You pull your life together and raise your kids in peace.  This is hard in the short term but is the right decision in the long term.  You are currently doing it alone any way, so why not kick him to the curb and really do it alone without having the worry and the walking on egg shells in your own house?

[Kaydove]

First counseling. Start there before making any decisions. Also, its okay to be sad or feel however you're feeling. The affair was not your fault. Hugs!

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Emaye 

He might be doing you a favor by suggesting that you two are not working out.  Tell him he is right and ask him to leave.  He does not seem to be adding anything good to your life so why keep him?

I tend to agree, though I think he sounds depressed. I don't think we are responsible for baby sitting or fixing depressed people, even the ones we marry.

This guy screwed around, blamed you, doesn't work, doesn't help with the kids, and says mean things to you. I think removing him from your life might be like removing cancer -- painful and scary while it's happening, but then you can heal and move on without it eating away at you.

[nerissav]

I think if he is not working, then he's got to take over some of the duties of the household.  I wouldn't care that he is going to college or whatever else he is doing.  A man realizes that his first responsibility is his family.  

Maybe things could have gone differently, maybe not.  It might have just taken longer to get to this point.  At the end of the day, he made the mistake of infidelity and he should still be attempting to make it up to you, in my opinion, and should be on his absolute best behavior.  I think the not paying enough attention to is just a lame excuse that people use when they cheat.  You did nothing wrong enough to make him cheat, please believe that.  If he had been adult enough, he would have brought up the issue and would have attempted to work through it before cheating.

[LLQ1011]

I feel your pain. I am in a simillar situation minus the job issue. Every thing is my fault. Whether its a house plant that died or him not getting enough sleep. It sucks. You are strong to get over his infidelity but he should be trying to make it better. SO LAME!

[~Adorkable~]

im really bummed by how quick folks suggest to complete strangers that they should leave their partners and parent of their kids with so little info to go on!

yeah it sounds really sucky, but as Kaydove said, counseling should nearly always be a first step, and may he needs to check in with a doctor.  having been around folks who are clinically depressed or worse, it can be very hard, but it is even harder to be that person trapped inside of that!  We dont know the details the long term here, for that matter we dont know what role the lady plays here, she is probably a great person, but it is never 100% one sided.

chikeemomma, Welcome to Mothering.com, i hope we can be a safe place for you to work thru this, as you see you have lots of support here! Do you think you guys could get some one on one time in? it is really hard when partners have lost time to be with each other. He may be giving up, simply because he is overwhelmed and does not know how to fix anything right now, if he had some small first step that showed him that he can in fact make a difference, there is a chance that he would take to that. some folks, and often men, deal with it very hard when they are out of a job, often to a very strange level, the sense of self worth gets really pummeled.

is your heart telling you a specific goal? do you feel like this is your correct partner and worth working on? or is your goal just to focus on yourself or your kids at this point? they are all valid goals, but all also have their own downsides. 

[journeymom]

Let me repeat it.  Redirecting the blame away from himself is just his lame excuse. It has nothing to do with you.  He did this. Nothing you did caused this to happen.

It's very clear that he's already left the marriage, he's already walked out on his family.  Now he's mooching off of you.  You already know this, right? That's what your post indicates, and we're simply summarizing. 

I suggest you go check out the Single Parenting forum.  You're already a single mom.  Start doing the research necessary to successfully live on your own.  It's going to be (more) hard work, but you and your children are eventually going to be in better shape. 

Many, many hugs to you.    You don't deserve this. 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by ~Adorkable~ 

im really bummed by how quick folks suggest to complete strangers that they should leave their partners and parent of their kids with so little info to go on!

yeah it sounds really sucky, but as Kaydove said, counseling should nearly always be a first step, and may he needs to check in with a doctor

it's very, very difficult to heal a marriage from infidelity. It can happen, but it takes tremendous work on the part of both partners and the two people are never the same.

This guy has shown zero remorse, told her the relationship doesn't work, and he doesn't want to parent the kids. 

From the OP: " He comes and goes as he pleases...out for drinks with friends, hunting, fishing...sometimes I feel like the only reason he sticks around is for the kids and because there's no where else to go...no money."

He could easily be screwing around right now. He is sponging off his wife and using her income for drinking.

At what point would you recommend a woman call it quits and make an exit plan? After she catches an STD? When he starts coming home drunk? When the kids realize that daddy is a bum and drunk?

(BTW - I get the part about being unemployed, the economy sucks. But he could choose to parent the kids, do the house work,etc. Watching TV while his wife does everything is really low. Most parents manage to work and parent -- this guy chooses to do neither.)

I don't see the point of her wasting her money on counseling because there is nothing in the post to pin a hope on.

[Kaydove]

I agree with Adorkable, I think its incredibly inappropriate for strangers to suggest divorce. It would be one thing for a friend or sibling, but not strangers on the Internet. We got a small glimpse of the story. Infidelity is incredibly hard to heal from but we cannot give her that advice. Counseling is the first step. Even if they do end up divorcing, counseling can help her heal from the infidelity and move on in the most healthy way. 

Hugs to you OP. Sounds like you could really use some support. Is there a friend who could listen or lend a hand?

[lilyka]

Before you get a divorce you need counseling.  All kinds of counseling.  If nothing else you need to be ready to make a calm and sure decision about the next step in your life.  Don't rush into any decisions.  You are free to take as long as you want, take whatever you need and do whatever you need to make this decision.  

Are you worried about losing him?  If not start putting your house in order, stop walking on egg shells, and just get on with things.  He needs counseling, obviously.  But if he refuses to get it, by all means get it for yourself.  And you need to address the affair.  It was not your fault.  It was his.  Entirely his.  There is nothing wrong enough that you can do to excuse cheating.  Even if you cheated on him it would not be your fault if he went out and found someone.  Stop letting him make excuses.  Stop letting him cop out on parenting duties.  If he walks out on this marriage is he ready to pay child support and fly solo with parenting every other weekend?  Sounds doubtful.  

I wish I could give you some good advice on how to make him step up but I have got nothing.  Therefore you need to make taking care of yourself a priority since he isn't going to do it.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Kaydove 

Counseling is the first step. Even if they do end up divorcing, counseling can help her heal from the infidelity and move on in the most healthy way. 

Counseling is not recommended when one spouse is emotional abusive. Although there isn't enough information in the post to say for sure that he is emotionally abusive, this is very troubling:

Originally Posted by chikeemomma 
 The next day, he told me that we were not working out (which is what he tells me just about everytime we have an argument).  We can't have healthy arguments because I am always wrong and we aren't working out.  So I pretty much try to avoid arguing as much as I can.

I'm a fan of counseling, but I don't think that that is a required prerequisite to getting out of bad marriage with someone who treats you badly.

[tropicana]

you are deflated because he is an energy vampire. he is sucking the life right out of you. 

you already have a job, your kids are already in daycare. 

HE is the one who stands to lose in a divorce... who will support him, an unemployed student? 

ask yourself WHY is he cheating on you, blaming you for not having enough hours in the day to be the breadwinner and only responsible parent to your children AND have time to goof off with him on the couch. WHY does he keep telling you it's not working out? 

yes, by all means, get counseling FOR YOURSELF. please, make the time for this. i know you are very busy, but you need to start thinking straighter.

if you can find it in yourself to let go... even if it's just to let HIM be the one to walk away... i will predict that your super energy and enthusiasm for life will return full force. you are already essentially a single parent, sole breadwinner, sole nurturer, sole disciplinarian to your kids. when you can stop walking on egg shells so as to not piss him off, you can be authentic to your OWN SOUL, and this will reward you with the resurgence of the bountiful energy of being truly ALIVE.

best of luck! 

[hillymum]

Hugs! I strongly recommend you post on the single parents forum again. I am sure there is a lot more to how you are feeling and you have only hinted at a tiny part. Infidelity is a relationship crusher especially if it has happened more than once or is still  part of his life. Please feel free topost, you will get so much support!

[K1329]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

Originally Posted by Kaydove 

Counseling is the first step. Even if they do end up divorcing, counseling can help her heal from the infidelity and move on in the most healthy way. 

Counseling is not recommended when one spouse is emotional abusive. Although there isn't enough information in the post to say for sure that he is emotionally abusive, this is very troubling:

Originally Posted by chikeemomma 
 The next day, he told me that we were not working out (which is what he tells me just about everytime we have an argument).  We can't have healthy arguments because I am always wrong and we aren't working out.  So I pretty much try to avoid arguing as much as I can.

I'm a fan of counseling, but I don't think that that is a required prerequisite to getting out of bad marriage with someone who treats you badly.

Not to hijack, but, can I ask why counseling is not recommended for individuals with an emotionally abusive spouse? I find this to be an interesting concept & am curious about the logic behind it...

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this & know personally how devastating infidelity is to a relationship. I don't have any good answers for you, but, am wishing strength & clarity for you while you sort it out.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by K1329 


Not to hijack, but, can I ask why counseling is not recommended for individuals with an emotionally abusive spouse? I find this to be an interesting concept & am curious about the logic behind it...
 

Couples counseling is not recommended because it simply gives the abuser more information to use against their spouse. It can escalate emotional abuse.

Individual counseling can be very helpful.

I should have clarified in my post that I meant couples counseling is a bad idea. I wasn't clear.

[chel]

Totally agree with Linda. Abusers love to use your weaknesses and fears against you. It is how they get their power.

[journeymom]

Marriage counseling is supposed to be about the relationship, and how to make it work better, how to make it last. Abuse is a problem in the abuser, not a problem in the relationship. Abusers/controlling spouses can use what's said in the appointments to retaliate against their partners.