Question about your child being introduced to a girlfriend

[amw19]

I know all single moms deal with this but I would like some help on how others have handled it.  First, of all the girlfriend is the one that my ex cheated on me with so this makes it hard enough. (plus this was the 2nd time he cheated on me - I gave him another chance because I wanted my daughter to have a family)  So, I'm really not ready to be friendly with her but I know I will eventually have to get over that.  But here is my problem, my ex's girlfriend has two kids of her own and doesn't have them they live with a grandparent.  I've asked my ex and depending on how he is acting he sticks up for his girlfriend and says its because she doesn't have a place of her own and sometimes he doesn't make any excuses and just says she sees them every now and then.  I'm not sure why she doesn't have them but it bothers me to let my daughter to be around her right now.  Not sure how to handle it?  Any sugguestions or advice?

[anon_abroad]

First of all

In my eyes the situation you are facing would be a challenge to any woman.

it causes hurt and anger on too many levels:

1 - this is the woman that your husband cheated on you with;

2- when you ALREADY had major trust issues, given his PREVIOUS cheating;

3- she's already someone you don't care to know AT ALL but are forced too because of your daughter;

4- you now learn that she may be an unfit mother, and therefore unfit to be around your daughter;

5- THIS IS WHERE I THINK YOU HAVE A SAY IN THE MATTER, BEFORE YOUR DAUGHTER AND THIS WOMAN INTERACT.

Are you obligated by law to allow your husband to introdue this woman to her? In your separation agreement have you outlined how new partners are 'introduced'? Are they living together? Can you ask him to NOT introduce them for a period, (many mamas here say 3 - 4 months) and in the meantime evaluate the situation? Some mamas here have background checks required for new partners, in their separation agreements, so look into it!! If it turns out she doesn't have custody of her own child, it's a huge red flag!!!

As a Mama in a similar situation I have personally said NO meeting the girlfriend for 3 months, which means I do not let my kids sleep over at theri dad's anymore because the girlfriend lives with him. This woman came out of nowhere, from a different country..saying she was employed but actually isn't, saying she was 37 but apparently she's much younger....she moved in within 48 hours of getting together...too many red flags and I don't want to expose my kids to a red flag situation!

I will be following this thread.
 

[hillymum]

I agree with Anon_abroad, this really sucks. I was in the same position though ex moved her in without talking to the kids which made me really angry. if you have a court ordered visitation plan there is nothing you can do. This is something I would really say go talk to a lawyer, I am not sure you can keep your ex from seeing your child. I would try talking to him, and gently express your concerns about the woman's ability to care for your daughter, and enforce how you do not want her left with the woman alone.

This is a great forum to come to for support so please keep returning! Many of us have been through similar trials!

[amw19]

I don't want to keep my child away from her father.  He does not have a place of his own and neither does his girlfriend.  They both live with his brother and sister-in-law (his sister-in-law and his gf happen to be best friends) and in our divorce papers I do not have to let my daughter spend the night with the gf until they are married but I cannot stop my ex from introducing her unless I can prove she is a threat   I don't think she would ever hurt my child physically but I just don't like that she doesn't have her own kids, I'm sure its because she doesn't have a job or a place of her own.  Honestly, he has stopped pushing my daughter being around her because a couple of weeks ago he was texting me again trying to get me to sleep with him again behind his gf back.  So, I told him this is exactly why our daughter shouldn't be around his gf yet because it isn't that steady of a relationship.  I really hope she isn't an unfit mother and something in my gut just  tells me she isn't that good of a mom - she barely sees her kids and no matter if she doesn't have a place of her own - you would think she would still have her boys.  Don't you guys think or am I just being hard on her because its my ex's gf?

[ZoeyZoo]

I think you listed a few red flags...besides her being the other woman.

1. You are broken up and he wants to have sex with you while he already has a new GF.

2. The new GF already lives with you ex and he is looking for other women

3. The woman doesn't have much of a relationship with her kids.

I know it's hard but I think you will be in a much better position to get this guy out of your life. He's cheated (or attempted to) on both of you and you will never be able to trust him.

[provocativa]

It's hard not to be in control of these issues...my X is on girlfriend #2- the first one was 22 years old and he is 45!  And he had her hang out with them...she gave my 9yo totally inappropriate teenage stuff- because she is not much more than a teenager.  And he took them to the bar where she works!  Girlfriend #2 is actually a friend of mine, and even though she is an alcoholic, like him, she is safe to be around.

I think the only thing you can worry about is the unsafe parent issue, and I don't know if you have any power to control it.  You could call your lawyer, and call social services for advice if need be.  In my experience, people who can't hold down a job or a home are usually addicts.
 

[amw19]

Thank you ladies for all the help.  Right now he isn't pushing for my daughter to be around his girlfriend, but he trying to string me along right now.  If I let him he hasn't pushed it but I'm so tired of him stringing me along and acting like he might come back.  So, I know because I've put my foot down about him doing this to me.  He will start pushing again to have her around.  I'm just so nervous about all this and it scares me.  I hope talking and reading on all of this will help me get through this!