A Saner TTC: Hunter's Moon - Page 3

[SparkleMaman]

Thanks, beingmommy! I can already feel the warm welcome and sense of calm. So sorry about the costume - I totally know how that goes. Every time I try to extend myself and attempt what seems like a simple creative task for a special occasion (whether cooking/baking/sewing/etc.) it explodes into something way beyond my capabilities. Makes me feel so inadequate and like such a failure. Those moments make it difficult to keep perspective but I am sure your DS will not remember it the same way.

AFM, AF arrived 2 days early this morning - so much for my very regular 28 days!! This is very weird. I am having my own little pity party tonight. I am letting myself feel sad and disappointed before I pick myself up to start over tomorrow. I thoroughly enjoyed a few glasses of my favorite wine and I made my favorite pasta dish, with a decadent creamy tomato sauce. The magical thinking is so powerful. Last month I figured out that if we were successful, I'd be due on my birthday. Meant to be, right? This month both my partner and I were super sick with bronchitis when I O'd (I mean coughing so bad I was peeing my pants, and sadly not just a trickle, TMI, I know!). It made the BDing a little tricky or I should say, just not happening. I was just very hopeful it might have happened when we did, though I knew the timing was not ideal. So...

Thank you all for being here and for sharing yourselves. It helps keep the calm and the perspective clear. I have so much to be grateful for. Sleepytime for me. Good night!
 

[beingmommy]

SparkleMaman, so sorry for AF arriving.   I do a lot of magical thinking too. I kept seeing pregnant women everywhere during my recent Oing week. So of course that is a positive sign, right?  Heh.  Oh and you described me exactly with creative projects.  I always envision this beautiful outcome and then my skill does not match my imaginationand I am disappointed.  Sigh.

[fateme]

Hi every body.Is here any one?

[JustJenny]

Hi Fateme.    We're here :)  Weekends are a little slow sometimes. Glad to have you here....

[dakipode]

GISDiva, I hear you. A while back I had an AF that had me suspicious but since I never tested I don't know... And you sound like me: needing to feel like there is at least something under your control if only knowledge

Sparklemaman: I love Downton Abbey! Have you seen the season 2 Christmas special? *swoon* Sorry about AF arriving, though it sounds like you had a nice relaxing evening. Good luck on this next cycle!

beingmommy: so the sheet with two eye holes is not an option? I already feel inadequate... My children, when I have them, will be going as Waldo, or any "costume" that can be made out of everyday clothes.

AFM: seems my body changed its mind about O. I'll call the clinic tomorrow to see what's up since the instructions said to call if I didn't O by CD16. I do O on my own so I'm not worried, it'll happen eventually, though I do find it strange that the Clomid didn't seem to have any effect on hastening the process. I'm in a wait and see kind of mood though so I'm ok.

How's everyone else doing? There must have been some BD action with 4 of us on the same cycle.

[SparkleMaman]

Dakipode Love love love the Christmas special! I have been watching Upstairs Downstairs Season 2 on PBS Masterpiece in the absence of Downton Abbey. Also pretty good but I am loyal to DA

Beingmommy Totally. I have found a few fun costumes on Ebay. My DD usually wants to dress up as some obscure character so we always have to make it or find an alternative source. We've been reading the How to Train Your Dragon books and she wants to be Astrid the Viking dragon trainer this year. It has actually been a pretty fun costume to put together. I have used this site for ideas too http://familyfun.go.com/halloween/best-last-minute-kids-halloween-costumes-798475/#Bag%20of%20Gross-eeries;1 I wanted to try the lego guy.

AFM, it has been an up and down kind of weekend but right now I am doing okay with accepting that it is not meant to be this month. I enjoyed a fun day with my family today and am looking forward to a busy week.

Hope you all have a great Monday!

[Xerxella]

coffeebean - Yeah! Hi girlfriend!!!! (I want a jumping up and down and waving smilie, but I can't find one.)

Hi sparkle, coati and all the other new comers! Welcome! I'm glad you decided to join us.

GISDiva - Hugs. Sorry af found you.

dakipode - Sorry you're still waiting to O. I'm in the same boat, see below.

AFM - Work's crazy, sorry I haven't been around much. No O yet here either, I think and today is cd 15. I'm pretty sure the OPK last night was negative, but I don't trust the cheapie dollar store ones. I don't think I've ever seen a positive with those. Oh well, sorry, I guess I'm not being very zen. I guess we'll bd tonight and Wednesday night and hope for the best. I hope today isn't O day, because dh really didn't have a lot to give Saturday morning. (Sorry, honey, but it's true!) Any one ever get pregnant from a lackluster performance?

[coati456]

Dakipode, I am better at staying sane when I am really busy at work, but I'm not sure I really keep calm otherwise. I'm normally okay the first 9 days or so. After that, I start getting my hopes up no matter how hard I try not to. This last one, I was really tempted to buy early pregnancy tests. I was in Target, and they were on sale.

Beingmommy, I used OPKs for two cycles. I liked using them. It's nice to see some test show up positive. But they're too expensive for me to buy all the time.

AFM, I am feeling jealous right now. A former coworker of mine just had a baby. Anybody have any tips for reigning in jealousy?

[beingmommy]

Originally Posted by Xerxella 

Any one ever get pregnant from a lackluster performance?

Hee!  I wonder this myself too with my DH sometimes.  Sigh.  Sorry for the not feeling so zen. I am with you there.  Trying hard but I just want to be pregnant already. 

SparkleMaman and Dakipode, yeah, I know I could do something less involved.  I guess it's just my DS has autism and this is the first year he has really REALLY understood the whole dressing up thing.  And he asked for a certain costume and I wanted to make it for him. And I COULD have if I had started earlier but I procrastinated and then it all went wrong and there is no time to get new fabric and all that.  He has tons of sensory issues so his costume has to be super comfy and basically just feel like his regular clothes. Luckily he was flexible enough (which was a huge phew for me because he can go into instant meltdowns at the drop of a hat) to agree to change his costume to something I could make more easily.  I am not very happy with it but it will do.

Coati, thanks for the info on the OPKs. I might try them next cycle.  No tips for jealousy.  It's hard.  I just try to suffer through it.  But there must be a better way too.

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by Xerxella 

Any one ever get pregnant from a lackluster performance?

LOL! I totally get you! Like the swimmers won't try their best to get to the egg if DH didn't do his best either...

Coati: the jealousy gets me too. I try to remind myself that I have a lot to be grateful for in my life and that we each have different paths. It's a start. I try to imagine being the other person and what I have that they would be jealous of because ultimately don't we all think the grass is greener...?

beingmommy: don't be too hard on yourself. I'm a big procrastinator too. I read once that perfectionists procrastinate and then we tend to beat ourselves up over the not-so-perfect result of our procrastination...

AFM: feeling a bit frustrated after the call to the clinic yesterday, the girl wasn't helpful at all and basically I could have an optional ultrasound to see where things are but I don't want to spend the money and I know I will O on my own eventually, just was hoping Clomid would speed things up. I have been exercising more vigorously lately so maybe my body is just very sensitive to activity? I guess I'm just a bit disappointed right now. BD'd last night just because I felt we should and I was a bit short with DH about it. Also not wanting to buy a whole new batch of OPKs but thinking I might run out before O...

So my plan for peace today: I'm going to enjoy ballet class this morning and this afternoon I'm going to write at Starbucks and make some progress on my story.

[beingmommy]

Thanks,Dakipode!  Sorry things are a bit frustrating.  Sometimes it feels like the world is fighting against our desire for zen. Hoping your O comes soon.  And you know, I must have missed it at some point earlier but I had no idea you write too (or I completely spaced on knowing it).  So neat.  I hope you had a good ballet class and productive story writing.

Edited to add:  Whew, just found out my SIL is pregnant again.  She's at 6 weeks.  She had a missed m/c a few months before I did this year and is very nervous right now and also so deserving of this baby (will be her second).  I am so happy for her but also feeling a twinge of jealousy and not liking that.  I really AM happy for her and it means another niece or nephew for me which is wonderful.  So working on trying to calm the twinge.  Or accept it or whatever.  Ack, feeling a bit off kilter actually.

Edited by beingmommy - 10/23/12 at 5:41pm

[dakipode]

beingmommy: it feels like a punch in the gut doesn't it? You want to be happy for them, you know you should, but you can't help feeling sad that it's not you... I think that's the hardest part for me: I end up feeling guilty about being jealous. It's silly but I picture my 5 year old self throwing a temper tantrum saying: "What about ME?!"

BTW, I don't think I've mentioned writing before. I've always wanted to write, starting as a little girl, but never pursued it. One day a couple of years ago I decided I should just do it, even if it never gets published, it'll be a story that I created and I'll be proud of that accomplishment.

Ballet class was good, it does take my mind off things. And I think I'm going to order that new batch of OPKs on Amazon now. I don't want to run out before O, even though I'm fairly good at reading the other signs, it just gives me that reassurance and it helps keep me sane.

[beingmommy]

Dakipode, it DOES feel like a punch in the gut.  I like that image of a 5 year old self having a tantrum.  That is exactly how I feel.  I guess, too, I still have some stuff to work around with our DS having so many issues.  I would NOT want any other kid. He is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to us.  But still it can be hard and exhausting, dealing with the health and development issues.  And my SIL's first daughter is a perfect, neurotypical, precocious 3 yr old. It's wonderful but I do keep thinking, when is it our turn for a little ease?  That's all I want.  Not perfection.  Not for things to be different in the life we have already.  Just for something not to have to be a struggle.  Not to HAVE to be an occasion for growth and all this reaching for zen.  I am growing, Universe!  Okay!  I am growing!  Can I get just a tiny break?  Yeah, ranting a bit.  Sigh.  BUT moving on.  About the writing!  I have also always wanted to write since I was a child.  I did write lots when I was younger but the last 10 years not much at all.  Have you ever done (or heard of) Nanowrimo (http://www.nanowrimo.org/)?  If not, it's this great thing that happens every November where people around the world sign up to write an entire 50,000 word novel in one month.  Super fun and crazy AND a great distraction.  I have signed up every year for years but only manged to do it one year.  I am signing up again this year and hoping to succeed again.

[Xerxella]

Hugs dakipode The waiting is horrific. Do you feel ovulation coming? It's got to be soon. Hopefully the clomid is helping make a great well developed egg.

All - I've never been a writer, but I'm a big reader! So I'm always impressed with you writers!
Me- o day was probably yesterday. It felt good, but I really have low expectations. Oops gotta go.

[dakipode]

Originally Posted by beingmommy 

Have you ever done (or heard of) Nanowrimo (http://www.nanowrimo.org/)?  If not, it's this great thing that happens every November where people around the world sign up to write an entire 50,000 word novel in one month.  Super fun and crazy AND a great distraction.  I have signed up every year for years but only manged to do it one year.  I am signing up again this year and hoping to succeed again.

OMG! That's exactly what I need! Thank you for letting me know about it! I want to do it and it'll be a great distraction as you said, during the 2ww which should get me halfway through November.

xerxella: so another lackluster performance? Best of luck to you!

[beingmommy]

Originally Posted by dakipode 

OMG! That's exactly what I need! Thank you for letting me know about it! I want to do it and it'll be a great distraction as you said, during the 2ww which should get me halfway through November.

Yay!!!  

Xerxella, fingers crossed for you.  I've got a little more than a week left of my TWW.  I also have low expectations but at least I seemed to have O'ed this time. 

[dakipode]

A quote by the artist AlphaDesigner:

Nobody can measure pain. What we can measure is how much we obsess with it. If you choose to indulge in pain, even the smallest discomfort may drag you into the deepest depression. It's striking how many people don't understand that. The solution is not to discard pain but to try to understand where it comes from and recognize that apart from suffering, every moment contains a grain of hope, which can germinate only if we water it. It's that simple.

[beingmommy]

Originally Posted by dakipode 

A quote by the artist AlphaDesigner:

Nobody can measure pain. What we can measure is how much we obsess with it. If you choose to indulge in pain, even the smallest discomfort may drag you into the deepest depression. It's striking how many people don't understand that. The solution is not to discard pain but to try to understand where it comes from and recognize that apart from suffering, every moment contains a grain of hope, which can germinate only if we water it. It's that simple.

 Thank you for this.  Just what I needed today!

Edited to add:  Oh and my therapist shared an interesting idea with me.  I am a "prepare for the worst" kind of person. And I am currently super "protecting" myself about my chances for this cycle or even a baby at all by assuming it will never happen.  But she said, when you prepare for the worst too much you end up putting yourself through all the pain of disappointment anyway. And maybe needlessly. Sort of obvious but I never thought about it that way.  So I am "trying on" a little hope and vulnerablity to see what happens.  Feels weird, to be honest.

Edited by beingmommy - 10/25/12 at 8:34am

[Xerxella]

beingmommy - Wait, I'm a prepare for the worst sort of person. How does that cause pain along the way? When you prepare for the worst, you're not disappointed when the worst happens... it's what you expected. Right?

[dakipode]

I don't know that I agree, Xerxella. I think expecting the worst has a way of coloring your point of view and you end up experiencing more negativity because you are constantly looking for evidence of negativity. So I think the experience leading up to the disappointment might be equal to or greater than getting all the disappointment at once...

beingmommy, I don't know where you are but I think especially in the US there is this attitude of "toughness", which usually includes not showing any emotions. I think we grow up learning to shield our feelings from others, trying to be less vulnerable that way, and in the process we lose a connection with our self. We are taught to control our feelings, but often we take that to mean suppress them. Letting yourself hope and feel is a vulnerable position but you wouldn't put yourself in a position you couldn't handle. Ultimately being zen is being at peace with that vulnerability because you accept each feeling as it comes and then let it go.