Oh my goodness, all of you. I just got a BFP. Digital test. CD 25. Guessing 13-14 DPO (if my O guess was right).
I am sort of terrified but *trying* to maintain some zen. I just don't know how to go through another loss so I really need this one to stick.
A BFP!
beingmommy: YAY! As Xerxella mentioned: we were due for some BFPs! I wish you all the best! And I'm sure you know all this: take it one day at a time. I can understand that you would be hesitant to let yourself get excited after a loss but the event in itself is a reason for joy and celebration, so give yourself permission to be fully present to that! You cannot predict the future so enjoy the present!
BeingMommy, yippee!!!!!!! I know you can't see me, but I'm doing a little happy dance in my desk chair... :)
(And that's an interesting theory, Xerxella, I will have to keep that in mind if we're back at it next month!)
Thanks, Xerxella and Dakipode! I find I am more zen than I might have been if I hadn't found this thread. One day at a time, right? So glad I have a therapy appointment today. Oh and now my SIL and I are pregnant at the same time! So hoping for sweet little cousins next summer.
Xerxella, I like what you said about having no expectations. That sounds pretty healthy. I think I should've explained right from the start that I was swaying WAY to far to the sad/angry side with my expectations and that is why my therapist had given me her suggestion. It is good for me. Yay for your trip planning! That sounds like so much fun! And my fingers are still crossed for you!
Dakipode, I am sorry there are some not sure what to do feelings. I have had those so much too. I think, give yourself time. You are in a high emotion time right now with the TWW. After we found out about our missed m/c I was adament that that was it. We were done trying. But over time, after the rough patch I started wanting it again. And no matter what, it IS great that you are letting yourself feel what you feel. Hugs hugs!
GISDiva, my DH has some libido troubles too. Whew, it can be difficult trying to plan a best BD time when you feel like you have to pick the one or two best times! Fingers crossed for you!
Edited to add: Thanks GISDiva, we posted at the same time!
beingmommy - Congratulations! I understand the fear. Keep the faith! Sending sticky healthy vibes your way. 
xerxella - Awesome veggie parade!
Congrats beingmommy! Sending you very sticky vibes too....
xercella- Yellowstone is amazing! What a great trip to plan. I went as a young teen and would love to go as a adult....
dakipode - 
I am totally going through the same thought processes. I'm definitely approaching my threshold of how much I can take. Unfortunately, If we don't have kids I don't know that becoming a bitter person is irrational fear for me though.
Maybe I'll go back to school, or maybe the dogs will be enough, idk....
Gisdiva- good luck this week!
AFM- Depressing post alert- 9 dpo. Not excited at all. I thought it would kick in but I have no pregnancy signs and I'm just waiting for disappointment. After last month's bfn I've been very depressed. I started taking Sam-e again to lift my mood and its helped a bit. I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I have to face not having children. Dh has seen the change and asked for one more month of trying before testing. Honestly testing is the only thing keeping me hopeful at this point. Sorry I'm in such a horrible headspace. That's why I haven't been around to much.....
JustJenny: I went for testing fairly early on in the process to put my mind at ease and to confirm that my hopes weren't based in fantasy. Given your history with a loss you know you can get pregnant, testing might give you some more insight on your specific situation so you know what to base your hopes and expectations on...
I think one of the hardest things for me is the constant why. I seek to understand a situation in order to gain control over it and to have no good reason for failure makes you feel so powerless. It might be a silly analogy but TTC is sort of like predicting the weather. We understand weather patterns and can predict to a certain extent whether it's going to be hot or cold, dry or wet, but you never know and ultimately you have to dress for whatever weather decides to show up that day and no amount of complaining about it will change it...
Hi all! Sorry I've been MIA for a bit. I've been keeping up with posts though. Congrats to beingmommy! What a wild ride we are all on. Its so awesome to see women expressing themselves and working through these tough issues though. I wish I had more opportunities like this face to face.
What do all of you think about the possibilities of energetic or emotional imbalances preventing conception? I study midwifery and am often astounded how many pregnancy complications can be traced to emotional stuff, including stress. And not sure if this is too out there for some of you or not, but do any of you feel like you have communicated with your babies before conception? I really enjoyed reading Spirit Babies last month, which was about pre-conception communication and how to make sure a baby's needs are met for the conception contract. I have had many vivid dreams, always about the same babies, and it is one of the things that makes me feel better in moments of wondering when I'll ever get to meet the little ones.
I'm due to ovulate today or tomorrow which is always exciting, especially with the full moon and Halloween upon us! I hope everyone has some fun tonight - halfway to the winter solstice already!!!!
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beingmommy I am SO excited for you I am doing a happy dance for you!
I hope to join you, and do a happy dance for myself, very soon.
This whole process, much like labor, is very much a metaphor for parenthood in so many ways. You get pushed to your limit in all ways possible, it is exhausting and you have little control over what is happening, so much so that at a certain point you think, I'm done. That's it. I'm outta here! And then you realize, SH*T! I can't leave. I can't go anywhere. I've got to keep going. And you search within yourself and find a strength that perhaps you didn't even know you had and you push through it, literally and figuratively. So much of life is digging deep to find that reserve of strength within yourself to make it through, and amazing yourself in the process. You realize, wow, I really am that strong. I am powerful. The main difference with TTC is that you can leave, you can decide it is enough. The journey is challenging and for some of us very challenging. I am continuously amazed by how strong you all are, how brave. What a powerful group of women!!
Happy Halloween!!
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Beingmommy I am SO excited for you I am doing a happy dance for you!
Thanks for all the congrats! I am very happy AND very nervous but doing my best to be zen. This may be the more challenging time for me.
SparkleMaman, I LOVE what you wrote. It is so true.
JustJenny, I think testing could be really helpful too. I am sorry it is rough for you right now. I know how that feels. Hang in there.
Margo, I had a Maya Abdominal massage earlier this month and I was telling the practitioner about how I felt like I hadn't ovulated in the two months we'd been trying after my loss and how frustrated I was that it wasn't happening. She asked me if I had any fears. I said, yes, of having another loss, of how can I manage a new baby and my DS (who has autism among other health issues). And she said to look at that. I did a bit, felt I made my peace BUT the biggest thing that came up for me as I did that was a new surge of grief about my loss in June. And I realized, I hadn't let go of that baby. Of who that baby was going to be in our family. So I worked on that. And then I had a clear O and now a BFP. I don't know if this one will work out but I hope so. So I think it IS entirely possible that there can be emotional things can affect conception or pregnancy.
Dakipode, good luck with starting Nanowrimo tomorrow!!!!
Dakipode,Xerxella,Beingmommy- Thank you for the encouragement and moral support. It means a lot to me. I wish we could meet in real life. I'm feeling better after I purged to you guys, lol. I guess I just had to get it out. I don't have anyone besides dh to talk to this about since we haven't told anyone close that we are ttc. I was really shocked when he suggested earlier testing since it has been difficult to get him to agree to the tests in the first place. We had a agreement that we would start tests and stuff after the first of the year.
Dakipode you are so right about the wondering what is wrong. Its the not knowing that is making me nuts. I'm usually a very proactive person and not being able to do anything to help the situation has been making me crazy.
Beingmommy- your response to margo was really interesting. Maybe some fears on both dh and I's parts are holding things up. Great conversation starter 
Thanks guys
Sparklemaman: thank you for your beautiful words of encouragement! Also, I noticed you're in New York: I hope you're doing ok and staying safe.
Margo: I certainly believe that your emotional state can influence TTC/pregnancy though I'm not sure to what extent. Feelings of happiness or stress flood our systems with different hormones and I do believe some people are more sensitive to certain imbalances than others. At the same time I would not ascribe difficulties solely to emotional states. That being said, there is an interesting story of a man who froze himself to death even though he was locked in a room that didn't go below 60F, just because he believed so fervently that he was going to freeze to death...
Now as far as the spirit babies go: I don't think I communicate with my unborn child(ren?). I have dreams in which I'm a mom but I don't believe that those kids are the ones to come.
Lastly, have fun tonight!
beingmommy: so are you still doing NaNo or have your plans changed since you got your BFP? I'm attending a kick-off party tonight, so excited!
JustJenny: I'm glad you're able to confide in us. We all share these frustrations and it's good to get them out!
AFM: I'm starting to think I am nuts for signing up for NaNo, but I've already told a ton of people so I can't back out (which was the reason I wanted to tell so many people). I'm still very much aware of which CD/DPO I'm on though but the writing will be a welcome distraction.
Hugs, JustJenny! Glad you are feeling a little better.
Dakipode, I am planning on doing Nano but we'll see how it goes. Besides it just being hard to find the time to do it (with my full time stay-home-mommying and homeschooling) I could also end up with bad morning sickness again (it was wretched and 24/7 this past spring) so that could also make it hard. BUT I am going to take it a week at a time and really try. I am excited to see how it goes for you too! I have signed up many years but only managed to do it once. It's most fun if you let it be fun. One of my writing group friends is close to submitting a manuscripts to publishers and she started it as Nano project. She said there were several scenes in the Nano original where characters wound up going to get coffee because she got stuck and had to have them do something. It helped her keep the writing flow go and she was able to drop the scenes later. So just remember it's not about product it's about just writing so much, so fast that you have to let go and see where the story and characters take you.
GISDiva, sending vibes for a clear O soon for you. And I hope you feel better sickness-wise too!
Thanks, beingmommy! I felt much better by late afternoon yesterday and then and guess what...O cramping happened too. At least that's what i chalked it up to anyway, positive thinking and all. ;) So for good measure, we sealed the deal hopefully. I woke up in a really good mood today, that hardly ever happens! 
Aaaand now the TWW. Hope you all have a glorious weekend! Thank you all for just being here - I may not respond much to what's written here, but I sure do think about it a lot.
Yay, GISDiva!
How is Nano going for you Dakipode? I completed my word count yesterday and am still on track for today. Whew, I have not written this much since I last managed Nano in 2005!
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