I've had three losses. One before I had my kids, and now two this year trying for this pregnancy. I definitely still have work to do around the grief. I definitely sometimes get swallowed in the anxiety and grief, especially at night and it leads to insomnia.
I don't know. I've kind of decided that I want to celebrate and find joy in this pregnancy no matter what happens. Last pregnancy, I tried to avoid getting attached, and then I hit twelve weeks, and it was like, I gave myself permission to admit all the excitement and attachment I already felt, and then I ended up miscarrying anyway, and I'm still grieving; sometimes, I think the second loss I had this year was harder than the first one this year, because I thought I was safe by then. I'm seeking prenatal care way early to watch my hormone levels and to get an early ultrasound this time, because I need answers as to why I'm having so many losses. Maybe this sounds messed up, but I actually feel more at peace with a possible miscarriage scenerio than I did during my last pregnancy. No matter what, by checking hormones and using an ultrasound, I will have more information, and if I miscarry again, I will be referred to a recurrent pregnancy loss specialist and learn what's going wrong. I'd love a squishy baby, but no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy, I will be able to move forward in a way that I haven't in the past. Also, I like to craft, and I've been working on cloth pads to either use postpartum or with a miscarriage. Either way, I feel like with such a project there's the hope that all will be well this time, but also there's the back-up plan and either way, I will be nurturing myself. I need something tangible around this pregnancy, no matter what. I didn't realize how hard it was on me not to have something I could put on my dresser that was of this pregnancy, and I want to make sure that this time, I do have something physical that's of this pregnancy to make the loss feel more real.
Also, in the pregnancy after loss thread, there's a monthly chat thread. Check it out!