Just wanted to stop in...

[thatgirliknew]

Not sure if there is anything similar on here already. I've lurked around a bit and haven't seen anything yet.

I am both a birth mother and an adult who was adopted. If anyone on here has any questions that might be suited for someone on another part of the adoption triad, let me know. I'd be happy to help.

:)

[MountainMamaGC]

Welcome!!!

[lauren]

Hi that girl. Welcome. This forum has a focus mostly on support for adoptive and foster parents in their parenting, but it's good to know you are here as a resource!
 

[SpottedFoxx]

Originally Posted by thatgirliknew 

Not sure if there is anything similar on here already. I've lurked around a bit and haven't seen anything yet.

I am both a birth mother and an adult who was adopted. If anyone on here has any questions that might be suited for someone on another part of the adoption triad, let me know. I'd be happy to help.

:)

Welcome!  I'm 2/3 of a triad as well (adoptee and adoptive Mom).  First mothers always have a special place in my heart.  Thank you for offering yourself as a resource.  

[thatgirliknew]

Glad to be here ladies.

I was just thinking about if anyone ever had a question about "how would xyz feel for a child who was adopted/a firstmother" or "what could I do to make xyz easier for the child/firstmother" I might be able to give input.

I have had a very positive experience with the open adoption of my son and a mostly positive experience being adopted. :)

[kayleesmom]

welcome i am a  birthmom also my adoption is open and he is 12 yrs old. so glad to see other birthmoms on here. 

[christophersmom]

Welcome! I am an adoptive mom and a sister to an adopted sibling. Each little piece of the pie we can get more info on is helpful.

[pattimomma]

Hi, I am a birth mom too. I mostly just lurk on this board. My DD was adopted 14 years ago this November. It was suppose to be an open adoption but the parents shut me out as soon as the adoption was finalized and I of course couldn't/can't do anything about it. It was a very bad experience so I don't say much about adoption but I do read about it.
 

[SpottedFoxx]

Originally Posted by pattimomma 

Hi, I am a birth mom too. I mostly just lurk on this board. My DD was adopted 14 years ago this November. It was suppose to be an open adoption but the parents shut me out as soon as the adoption was finalized and I of course couldn't/can't do anything about it. It was a very bad experience so I don't say much about adoption but I do read about it.
 

Patti- I'm so very sorry for your situation.  I hope your daughter finds you in a few years so you can both heal.

[MountainMamaGC]

Originally Posted by pattimomma 

Hi, I am a birth mom too. I mostly just lurk on this board. My DD was adopted 14 years ago this November. It was suppose to be an open adoption but the parents shut me out as soon as the adoption was finalized and I of course couldn't/can't do anything about it. It was a very bad experience so I don't say much about adoption but I do read about it.
 

I am so sorry, as well. I think the mothers that do that are horribly insecure, and feel threatened by the situation. If that was the plan all along then that is a million times worse. 

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx 

Patti- I'm so very sorry for your situation.  I hope your daughter finds you in a few years so you can both heal.

Originally Posted by MountainMamaGC 

I am so sorry, as well. I think the mothers that do that are horribly insecure, and feel threatened by the situation. If that was the plan all along then that is a million times worse. 

I don't want to totally thread highjack so here's just a quick version of what happened. I choose a couple while I was pregnant. It was a private adoption with only one attorney involved. We discussed that it would be an open adoption. My DD would know that she was adopted and we would have some contact. The adoptive parents and I went out to lunch frequently, they visited me at my home, they came to all the prenatal visits, they were there for the birth and the mother cut the cord. The first red flag was when I had signed the papers and it was time to leave the hospital. They told me that they couldn't give me a ride home and they left me sitting at the hospital trying to call around to different friends for a ride home. About a week later I received DD's social security card in the mail. I called the parents to see if I should mail it to them (I had not called them at all until then). I got their voicemail and left a message. They did not return the call, their attorney did. I was then instructed that all contact would have to through the attorney. I tried calling one more time several months later and again the call was returned by the attorney. I just gave up at that point. About nine years later I contacted the mother's sister. She called me back and was thrilled to hear from me. She said that she thought her sister would be happy to talk to me. A few days later the sister emails me that her sis and brother in law don't want contact but that she would send me pics. Since then the sis has continued communication with me but I still haven't heard a word from the parents.

[queenjane]

That is terrible.

I know there are issues with having open adoption agreements be legally binding (and i think they only are in a few states) but to me this is a clear case of fraud and they probably had planned all along (before birth possibly before match!) "Tell the birthmom whatever she wants, agree to anything to get the baby, its not like she has recourse"...i also wonder if their lawyer had anything to do with it, if this was HIS legal advice.

I dont know how someone could live with themselves or look at their child without guilt after doing this to the birthmother. Its awful.

To me thats totally different than an open adoption being flexible and needs changing over the years. To actively keep you away, from the moment the papers were signed...i just cant imagine doing that. Obviously they never wanted an open adoption to begin with. And it sounds like the sister got a stern talking to from them (possibly "if you have contact with her you wont be having contact with us either!") I just dont get it. How can people be so fearful of the mom that gave their child life??
 

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by queenjane 

That is terrible.

I know there are issues with having open adoption agreements be legally binding (and i think they only are in a few states) but to me this is a clear case of fraud and they probably had planned all along (before birth possibly before match!) "Tell the birthmom whatever she wants, agree to anything to get the baby, its not like she has recourse"...i also wonder if their lawyer had anything to do with it, if this was HIS legal advice.

I dont know how someone could live with themselves or look at their child without guilt after doing this to the birthmother. Its awful.

To me thats totally different than an open adoption being flexible and needs changing over the years. To actively keep you away, from the moment the papers were signed...i just cant imagine doing that. Obviously they never wanted an open adoption to begin with. And it sounds like the sister got a stern talking to from them (possibly "if you have contact with her you wont be having contact with us either!") I just dont get it. How can people be so fearful of the mom that gave their child life??
 

I really don't know or understand. I only contacted them twice in the first year after the adoption. I figured maybe they were nervous and everything was new so that's why they were insisting that I go through the attorney. I had been able to call them directly while I was pregnant. When I contacted the sister, after nine years, I found out that the parents had a biological child. The mother had gotten pregnant one year after the adoption. I thought 'it has been so long and they have a bio child now, maybe they wouldn't be so scared anymore' but nope, no contact. I am married and have 5 other children. I have a master's degree and employed full time as a professional geologist. I would understand them not talking to me if I was some crazy, unstable drug addict or something. Hell I haven't even approached the issue of wanting contact with the child. I just wanted the parents to talk to me. I think the sister feels sorry for me and the way things turned out. I have no idea if the rest of the family knows that she sends me photos or stays in touch with me (I am betting not).

[SpottedFoxx]

Patti - that just breaks my heart.  I know another first mother that happened to and when the child learned what happened - the truth - she stopped all contact with her adoptive family.  They are "so confused and don't understand why this child would turn her back on them" - unreal.  

[Smithie]

Wow, Patti. I would give anything (anything!) for our soon-to-be-adopted-son's mother to end up with a graduate degree and 5 kids she gets to raise. I'm sorry you were cheated this way. 

[Mom31]

I am so sorry for this Patti.

Thank you for sharing.  I am an adoptee and I hear it so often from first mothers and on some forums I participate in I hear it from adoptive moms when discussing open adoption.

I am so terribly sorry.  I hope that your daughter contacts you when she can.  I have a few people I know that this has happened to as well and could put you in touch if you would like.

[WifeMomChiro]

I haven't been here in quite a while, but I just wanted to tell Patti that I am so sorry that happened to you.  I'm an adoptive mom in an open adoption and I'm appalled that anyone would treat a birthmother that way.  

[pattimomma]

Originally Posted by Mom31 

I am so sorry for this Patti.

Thank you for sharing.  I am an adoptee and I hear it so often from first mothers and on some forums I participate in I hear it from adoptive moms when discussing open adoption.

I am so terribly sorry.  I hope that your daughter contacts you when she can.  I have a few people I know that this has happened to as well and could put you in touch if you would like.

Originally Posted by WifeMomChiro 

I haven't been here in quite a while, but I just wanted to tell Patti that I am so sorry that happened to you.  I'm an adoptive mom in an open adoption and I'm appalled that anyone would treat a birthmother that way.  

Thanks for the kind words. The hardest part right now is that my children are interested in meeting their sister and they don't understand why they aren't allowed to talk to her. I raised them knowing about her so there wouldn't be any surprises later in life. She is 14 and my children are 15, 12, 9, 6 and 20months. The 15 yr old has asked about her for years.

[sesa70]

Thatnewgirl... welcome! Thank you for offering us your side of the adoption experience :)

Patti... I am so sorry your adoption experience was so awful. It must feel like a slap in the face to have someone your trusting with pretty much the most important thing in your life lie to you and trick you :(

I am a somewhat adopted adult (raised by family but did not know my birthmother or her side of the family until I was a late teen) and I am an adoptive mom of two, one open and one closed, both based on the birthmothers wishes. In our open adoption I love knowing my childs birthmother and feel like I can understand my child so much better because of it. I wish I could know my other childs birthmother, and often wonder and think about her. Its sad, because the parents who adopted your child are really missing so much by not knowing you.

Thankfully your daughter will be old enough soon to make her own decisions about knowing you and her siblings, and I am sure she will be really upset with her adoptive parents when she finds out how things went. It would be one thing if no contact was mutually agreed upon, but instead it sounds like they told you what you wanted to hear and then just disappeared. I just don't get how they could live with themselves and feel good about raising a child under those circumstances.