I'm partnered but my partner is tired. Yeah, I know.. Aren't we all? I'm the resident breastfeeder/rocker/putter to sleep-er/everything when it comes to babies. My 7mo DS is becoming a real pain the rear end - and that's putting it lightly. I have three older children WHO. REALLY. NEED. MY. ATTENTION. RIGHT. NOW. and not for me to constantly shush them because their light sleeper brother is asleep in my arms and regurgitate ad nauseam 'I can't go and see what you're doing right now/sit with you right now/talk to you right now'. It's pathetic. Three children are being neglected emotionally day and night because one child refuses to sleep. And to top it off, I'm getting reaaaaaallly touchy these days and just want five minutes to myself. I don't want to nurse the baby for the 5th time in an hour!!! He doesn't even nurse properly.. just sits there clamping down on my breast from the side of his mouth like it's a freaking toy.
It's 3am and I'm not asleep. Why? Because DS just went to sleep now - And I had to force him. I refused to take anymore sh*t and just cuddled/rocked him without nursing. He kicked up a stink and I'm sad to say that there wasn't an ounce of guilt in my mind. I really can't take the popping on and off the breast every goddamn minute (literally) anymore for 2 hours at a time. That's it. My boobs officially hurt. My brain hurts. I just want to sit alone.. Hey, sitting with my other kids would be great too.
Tonight the second DS left my lap, my 3yo DD climbed into my lap asking for hugs. She had been trying to go to sleep for over an hour (to a movie) with no luck. Within a few minutes she clonked out in my arms with a smile on her face. Then the guilt struck. She has been having sleeping and behaivoural problems for a few months now and even regressed with pooing on herself.. Why? Because mommy no longer has time for her. She will do anything to get Mommy to give her some attention these days. Mommy is always either feeding baby or putting baby to sleep or holding baby while he sleeps.. Mommy often tells her to be quiet and go play with her siblings so said baby can STAY asleep.
I held my little girl tonight even long after she went to sleep. I held her and cried and apologized for my 'absence' mentally and physically. This is not right.
I'm over it. I'm over the BS that has come with nighttime parenting alone. I envy those parents who whine that their child wakes up once or twice a night and needs a feed (AND they have the priviledge of the parents alternating with night wakings). I want to slap them stupid when they tell me they're so tired and they 'had' to resort to CIO. No, you don't know what sleep dep is until you've met my kid and gone at it alone. Sh*t up idiots. I would pay for my DS to wake up once or twice only in an 8 hour stretch!!
I'm over how tired I am, how irritable I've become and how neglecting I've been of my three other children. Something needs to change.. Unfortunately, it can't be my partner.. He's got enough as it is and I'm at this alone... So... Anyone else in this boat? As in, do you have a completely non sleeping baby (day or night) and other children to look after? If so, how do you cope?
To put it plainly, I don't have a baby sitter nor can I hire one right now. I don't have family/friends who can take the kids and my dh comes home from work, cooks, works on the stupid house (we're renovating) and is exhausted come 12am. He can't stay up with a baby who thinks it's fun to play until 5am.
Suggestions? I'm sooooo ready to just carry on with rocking DS to music with no nursing (because it results in a baby that ACTUALLY sleeps for a whole hour), whereas if I nurse him to sleep, he seems to wake up after a very short period (15-20 minutes) over and over and over again. This is after I've spent hours putting him to bed. The only problem with no nursing while rocking is that he doesn't think it's such grand idea and cries in my arms for about 10 minutes. Anyone have a better solution? I don't have time to read books, so please just give me your ideas instead.
Also - We co-sleep. I'm cool to continue with that, so if you have any good co-sleeping techniques that help in allowing babies to sleep for longer, that would be great. I really don't want to put baby in his own crib (I know a lot of sleep techniques rely on this).
If you've made it this far, thanks a thousand times over. And apologies for the rant. If I don't say it here tonight, I may yell it out tomorrow morning at unsuspecting minors. That would be totally uncool.