I wrote a really long post, and I deleted it and am going to try to condense it.
Basically, I have chronic fatigue syndrome as it is, but before hubby and I started a family, I reallllly wanted to get surgery to correct my sleep apnea. I have been in the process of planning the surgery, and was thrilled to be getting it, because the apnea really affects my energy during the day, and my quality of sleep (I use the machine but it is not working out). I kept telling hubby, "we just have to make it until after the surgery and recovery" before conceiving. Sure enough, I ended up unexpectedly pregnant recently.
First of all, I felt I "deserved" some good sleep (which the surgery would help with) before the next 18 years of being a Mom, because I am exhausted from all these health issues and exhausted from how the apnea affects my sleep/energy.
Then there's the problem of getting the surgery after giving birth..I don't think I'd get it in the first few months because the recovery is rough (worse than adult tonsilectomy) and involves a liquid diet and painkillers. Then I'll be a Mom of an infant anyways, so will I really be able to "catch up" on my sleep at that point? Then what am I gonna do with my new-found energy? Certainly not start running, like what I was planning. I wanted to get back to running, at least for a little bit, without having to worry about finding a sitter, etc. It was something I was gonna do for me, because I used to run and loved it....but I've been so sick and lacking energy the past few years.
Anyways, I am sure there are a lot of Moms who go through an unexpected pregnancy and have to deal with thinking about all the things you meant to do, but now won't be able to. There are the cases worse than mine, like teen moms who never got to graduate, etc. Of course you can still "do" these things, it just becomes a lot harder, and sometimes you just don't know if you have it in you to do it WITH a baby.
How do you get over having to change your plans? Especially when you are really disappointed, how are you then able to just be happy about the pregnancy and go with the flow? (this from an extreme control freak) I guess those that go with the flow will think this is silly, but I have a hard time adjusting to change and adjusting to my plans not working out.
I just want to be happy...I owe it to the baby. I was so disappointed when I found out I was pregnant and couldn't get my surgery, that I thought about having an abortion. I just couldn't imagine 9 more months with the CPAP machine and waking up feeling like crap, couldn't imagine not killing myself from lack of good sleep. Couldn't imagine being a smiley, happy Mom while STARTING the baby's life with me running on empty. I needed that surgery for my own sanity, I felt.
I dunno, does anyone have advice? Was there anything you had to get over? And when you saw your baby, did that not matter? That is what I'm hoping. I believe in God and I am trying to see this as a gift....maybe there was something I didn't know, like maybe the surgery would have failed anyways. I am just having a hard time staying upbeat. How will I not resent the baby if I am exhausted?
I'm guessing it's normal, when confronted with a pregnancy that changes your plans, to feel like this? How do women get through it? I want to be happy about the pregnancy. I just have a hard time coping with big changes....... I envy those Moms that become first-time mothers when they feel "ready." And then they can just beam at their ultrasound pictures, instead of not quite knowing how to feel.
I know no one is truly ready. But just to give you an idea, I woke up the other day, sobbing that I can't get my surgery for another 9 months, sobbing from just pure exhaustion of dealing with this so long, and being so close to a solution. It was after another sleepless night, and then sleep-binging all day and missing hubby's day off. :( I don't want to start my life as Mom like this.
Are there any words of wisdom about dealing with unplanned pregnancies, and not being resentful? Just being happy? How do I roll with it? I'm sure there are worse situations than mine....
I need to be reminded that things happen for a reason. Right now it's hard to see beyond what I wanted....and I feel so selfish saying that......I want to focus on welcoming the baby. I hate talking about this. It's like, "oh, the surgery...again! When will she stop talking about the pregnancy messing up the surgery?" I guess I'm hoping that if I can get advice from other women, I'll be able to better get over it.
Edited by bobcat - 10/23/12 at 1:35am