How do I protect my kids?

[mamajama]

Hi everyone! Boy, it's been a long time since I've been here. What a great help this place was for me in the past I can't even tell you. I was pregnant with my second child and had a three-year-old when I found out their father had been having an affair with a nineteen year-old girl for two years. She was seventeen when it started (puke). Anyway, since then I feel I've come a long way in coping and rising above the murk. Exposing all the dark places of our relationship to myself and realizing that the abuse and general disrespect are not acceptable to me and I'll be damned if I will expose my kids to it anymore. Which brings me to now (about two years since that fateful day of discovery). Trying to make a long and twisted story short here. He is taking me to court to have access to the children which I had to deny him for safty issues. I am worried that he will get access (visitation) and I don't know how to protect them. My lawyer says that it is really rare for a judge to deny access although I lucked out the last time I went to court to get a restraing order and custody. Their dad wasn't there and the judge took it upon himself to say that there should be no access to the kids supervised or not. Anyway, last wednesday was to be the court date but after gathering my friends and arranging child-care (not easy when you don't know how long it will be for) we showed up only to be asked by his lawyer if the case could be adjourned for a week. This is so stressful...evrything from feeling weird about seeing their dad again after so long to worrying that the judge will order that he gets the kids every weekend or somesuch nightmarish scenerio. What do you do if the judge does order visits like that? How do you ensure that your kids are properly looked after when they're with their dad and his girlfriend (yes, still her: ). I'm still nursing my year-and-a-half year old...do they take that into consideration? Any advice or similar stories (commisseration welcome) would be greatly appreciated. I feel such a need for support right now as I am trying to be so strong for all of us. I'm sure you all understand.

[L.J.]

I have no experience or help to offer.
I hope the courts see what is truly in the best interest of your children. I hope that nursing a babe is taken into account, but I don't know.
I wish you peace & hope it all turns out well for them.
~ L.J.

[comet]

Wow, what a tight spot. I don't know how you protect them, except to say that it will be up to you, not the courts. They will probably not offer much help.

Unless the dad has committed a serious crime, or is a drug addict or is seriously mentally ill, he will likely be granted visitation and/or partial custody.

You mention abuse in the past. Food for thought - in some states, if domestic abuse is an issue in a marriage, only sole custody will be awarded. No joint custody. Something to check out if you are interested.

Document the abuse any way you can now. Document his affair with a minor, if you can.

In some cases, a dad has gained custody of young children bcs he has remarried and the new wife promises to stay home with the children. I'm not trying to scare you, but you should be prepared for this possibility. Is this what your ex is proposing? Do you have any idea? Are they planning to get married?

It is excellent for you that he was already denied access and that you got a restraining order on him. The burden will be on him to show that he's changed. But a word of warning - judges adn courts are too generous in believing that an abusive parent has seen the light and changed.

Seriously, my best advice for you would be to thoroughly research lawyers in your area and get the best one that handles divorce and domestic abuse cases. If you don't have that now, save yourself a lot of heartache and switch.

If you want to stay with your lawyer, make sure you have a detailed strategy for keeping custody and so forth.

[charmarty]

WoW. I read your post and really wanted to give you this.
I will pray for you and your dc in hopes that things will work out with thier safety in the best interest. You are one strong mama!

[SingleDad]

I agree with everyone in the respect that he will probably gain access rights. If this does happen, I would make sure that your lawyer doesn't grant overnight visits though. I would think if there was abuse in his history that they would want supervised visits at least to begin with. I know that in the states they always take the breastfeeding into account, and I can't imagine a judge taking the baby from you if you're doing that. Its such a tight spot for you to be in, and I'm so sorry for you. I'm hoping that the courts will see that in the past two years he hasn't fought for this too. And I would definately bring up the fact that this girl was 17 when he began dating her, and bring it up in court so that there is record of it.

Best of luck to you, and keep us posted!

[mammastar]

If you're comfortable saying, can you be more specific about the safety concerns? What has he done in the past? Maybe then people can be more specific with their suggestions in return.