Anyone had surprise pregnancy under challenging circumstances?

[bobcat]

Just looking for words of encouragement. I posted something long in Personal Growth that I probably will end up deleting because it is just a ridiculous spilling of all the things I see wrong with my life, and in reality, it made me feel worse, not better, so I won't dwell on the specifics.

I am 8w5d right now, and just having a hard time with the pregnancy, not all the time, but maybe 1 day per week, because there were things I wanted to do first, like a surgery I needed. I know that sounds selfish, but I guess if you knew me more, you would understand, so please don't judge.

Don't get me wrong, some days I am overjoyed/beaming. But other days, I don't know how to feel. I am wondering if this is normal? I don't think it is, necessarily, but I'm sure it happens. I guess if I have some encouragement or hear from other women that they were sort of lukewarm at times (because of the shock and the change, not prepared) and now they are very happy with their baby that they are in love with, I will feel better. Honestly, I don't deal well with change AT ALL. While hubby and I were engaged, I was soooo nervous about getting married, and even on my wedding day, I told my dad I was scared, not happy. I question everything (it is a fault) and I am a very anxious person. But now hubby and I are SUPER strong in our marriage and happy together. It's almost like once the engagement was over and we got past the first year, I was more relaxed. I guess I knew I was making the right decision, but it didn't feel good at the time, because I am so OCD about my life and change.

That is perhaps how I feel about this baby....I know it is the right decision to keep the baby, but it didn't happen when I planned it and it's not ideal, so I'm having a hard time with it. And that feels awful. :( I guess I just need a big hug and to be told it is normal to begrudge the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy. That all Moms will go through challenges, but that it's worth it in the end. Again, I feel I "am" making the right decision, I just wish I felt better about it. I have a hard time letting go and enjoying things. If I would have gotten my surgery first, I'd be fine with it, but the surgery was for my sleep quality so now I wonder if I'll ever sleep.

I don't know if any of that makes sense....I am not expecting a lot, just a few words of encouragement, letting me know what a blessing it is to be a Mom, even under not-ideal circumstances..... maybe share an experience, like if you were scared too or if a pregnancy happened at a bad time but you got through it. I don't want to be in this negative mindspace forever, I just need encouragement I think. It is hard to talk to family/friends about this. I just need to hear others' experiences.

[bobcat]

Also, if you guys think this belongs in Personal Growth, please let me know and I will figure out how to move it. I don't want to bring the "I'm Pregnant" crowd down....maybe this isn't on topic.  My thread in Personal Growth was more about my problems, and this is moreso about dealing with pregnancy, so I dunno.....but now that I re-read it I feel maybe it doesn't belong.

[Adaline'sMama]

First of all, there are very few ladies who become mama's under ideal circumstances. If everyone waited to have kids until every single thing was perfect, then we'd all be waiting a long time. I think most people wish they made more money, had moved into a different house, had a stronger marriage, had lost weight first, or something.....before they got pregnant if they werent actively ttc. 

My DS was an unplanned pregnancy, and for the first few weeks I felt very similar to you. After the first ultrasound, I was immediately attached. But, DD was just 13 months, I wasnt ready to stop nursing, DH and I werent in a fantastic place, we didnt really have room in our house, and I honestly was hoping to have a few girls nights out between the two kids. The feeling passed pretty quickly.

This time, these babies were planned (actively ttc), but under very less-than-ideal circumstances. I have had a really hard time feeling attached, and now that Im getting bigger, Im planning to do a belly casting and a belly mapping session to hopefully draw myself a little closer to the pregnancy and the babies. I try and find things to get more attached, but it's not easy. 

Just try to remember that you will be a great mom, and that you wanted to have a baby. You wont stay in a negative mindset forever :)

[kikimamaofmany]

Hi Bobcat,

 I understand how you feel completely! I have experienced 6 unplanned pregnancies (including my current pg) and each time there were challenges to overcome. Despite all the negatives feelings I experienced, I loved my children from the day I knew that I was carrying them. My love for them led me to keep each pregnancy inspite of the challenges that I was facing. You will make it through this! You're not selfish at all. I think you seem to be very honest and responsible. There is nothing to be ashamed of for wanting to take care of your own health before having a baby. Your decision to ride out this "storm" is evidence that you have excellent maternal instincts. Your baby is already blessed to have you as a mom. We're moms, we are not immune to feeling tired, scared, or unsure. Discouragement comes. I always tell myself not to stay discouraged....to keep on keeping on. Btw, is this your first child?? Either way, Congrats!

Of all of my unplanned pregnancies, the 5th was the real shocker. My husband was active duty Army, we moved to Hawaii in 2009. I had to move over 5k miles away from my family and friends. That was totally depressing. We had 4 children all under the age of 6. 2 of my children were ADHD. I was a stay at home mom and completely overwhelmed because my DH doesn't "do well" with young children. So, the DH and I decided that 4 (2 boys and 2girls) was perfect and we should take drastic measures to prevent any more pregnancies. Well, I couldn't get my tubes tied. So, he decided to have a vasectomy. In Novemeber the vasectomy was completed, he was told it would take at least 3 months and 10 "eliminations" for all the swimmers to be out of his system. In other words, we needed to have a "back-up" plan for birth control until the procedure took. Two months later, the DH was sent to training to get ready for his upcoming deployment to Iraq. I was already extremely stressed and depressed. When he left, my oldest son's ADHD became uncontrollable and I had to agree to put him on meds for his safety and the safety of the other children (he was 5 years old and threatening to kill himself). The DH returned in April of 2010, and things were really good between us. Our son's behaviour had improved drastically and much of the stress in the home was alleviated. To be honest, we assumed that 7 months post vasectomy was long enough for my husband to be sterile. So, we had a second honeymoon and did not think about birth control. 1 week later, we were fighting like cats and dogs! I couldn't stand him all of a sudden. My emotions were all over the place and I told him "I feel pregnant....I better not be pregnant...." Well, he gave sample to his urologist for a sperm count, to confirm that the procedure had worked. We got a call back 2 days later. They told him to call the dr right away. I remember pacing the floor while my husband was on the phone with the urologist for over 30 minutes. It couldn't be good news. Finally, he hangs up the phone and says to me "You're pregnant". My mouth hit the floor. The dr told my husband that his vasecetomy did not work at all, in fact, his sperm count had increased! I cried. 3 days later, on Mother's day, I got a BFP. And I cried again. What was I going to do?? My husband was leaving for a year long deployment in 2 months!! I had very smalll children and no help! No family, no real friends, no daycare....who would watch the kids so I could go to appts? I was literally distraught at the timing of that unplanned pregnancy. And worst of all, it was our first deployment, I had no clue how me and my kids were going to make it through and entire year and pregnancy and birth by ourselves.

Well, I won't write any more details, I should just write a book about that year. Let's just say, I survived, I thrived and I grew as a woman. My kids survived and thrived and we grew closer. The baby, whom I named Faith, survived and blessed us all tremendously! I wouldn't change anything if I could go back and do it all over again. Challenges make us stronger. You would be suprised at how much you can handle! I believe you will get through this tough time too, if you keep in mind that it's "pain with a purpose". I hope you find some encouragement from my post. I know it's long. And I'm only 11 weeks, I hope we can share this journey if you like.

[bobcat]

Thank you both!

Kikimama, wow, thank you for sharing all that with me. Your story was really interesting. I think I needed to hear stories of women who were also experiencing doubt that they can handle this, and also feeling like it's bad timing. Because I feel both of those things. What was really good to hear, though, was when you told me that my decision to ride the storm shows good maternal instincts, and that my baby is blessed to have me as a mom. I think I needed to hear that. Honestly, I think I do know that deep in my heart.

This seems to be my first pregnancy that is doing well, but I had two miscarriages before this, and no children on earth. I felt very bonded with the first pregnancy, but there were a number of ultrasounds that gave bad news. So honestly, I expected bad news with this one, and was shocked when I was told this baby was a keeper. When I got the BFP, I experienced what you described, just kind of upset/scared (though I think love was somewhere in there). I hoped the baby would survive, the maternal instinct to protect the baby, but I also kind of doubted it would work out based on my past. Then when I found out that this pregnancy was likely "a keeper" as my OB said, it was strange....I went through all the emotions: beaming, in love with the ultrasound pic, but then all of a sudden the worries hitting me when I got the BFP weeks earlier were now realities. And for some reason that shock shook me to my core and caused a lot of stress, moreso than when I got the BFP.

I read what you had to say and I had some thoughts come to me. I guess I am not so much upset I am pregnant, as I am upset I am dealing with all this other stuff. So to me, dealing with the other stuff was too much already. I guess if I have to be upset with God about anything, it's that I have these sleep issues. I think maybe I need faith and trust to get through this, especially now WITH a baby. Both of the posts also got me thinking that being a Mom is never easy, and there will always be "something." Even if I got over my sleep issues and got the surgery before getting pregnant, there may be something else. I think it is always "something" and your love as a Mom just needs to trump all the other bull*$%# going on. I guess that is the challenge of loving.

I think with this baby, I have almost felt nervous to love, because I was letting my upset-ness trump everything. But what you said made me feel better, that I am a good mom still and have good instincts. At the end of the day, I decided somehow not to have an abortion.....and I think I made that decision based on trusting God. I am a little scared that I might not "love" the baby yet....I am just not sure. I do know that I hope the baby survives and am very protective. I suppose that is love.

One interesting thing I learned when my husband and I went to a marriage retreat is "Love is a decision." Well, it's a quote they liked at the retreat. Very unsexy, and not exactly a fuzzy thing to think. It's almost insulting....like, do I have to brainwash myself to love someone? But in the end, I think it makes sense. The point is that people are not always easy to love. Sometimes you will not "like" your spouse, but you make the decision to continue to love them in hard times. Yes, love IS a feeling. But it is also, in challenging times, a decision. I had forgotten about that until reading these responses, and something made it come back to me. I guess maybe my decision to keep the baby is love? I think maybe I don't "feel" it yet; it's there, but not felt. I do feel the baby is "cute" but I am struggling to overcome my anxiety.

Adaline's Mama, thanks for sharing. I think hearing how others felt is reassuring to me. It is also good to hear that I will be a great Mom. Just all the things you guys have said have helped. I didn't necessarily feel SUPER attached after my first ultrasound, but I think it's because I might not have fully believed in the pregnancy until that moment, so then it was just shock. I am hoping that things will get better from here. I think at a certain point, things will just click into place. I guess motherhood is truly a "ready or not" sort of thing. Not everything we "hope" will happen first is going to happen. I need to keep remembering that.

SORRY SO LONG and thanks. :)  I might take a break from this thread for a couple days, just to clear my headspace. I am making progress, but I think I need some time for prayer.
 

[bobcat]

kikimamaofmanny,

We are also living very far away from any family, or really even friends that we trust. We are in CA and everyone else is in the Eastern half of the country. And yes, first baby! I can understand how worried you must have been living in HI with your husband leaving. Very inspiring that you were able to handle it! Yes, these are all growing opportunities.

[phatchristy]

After 4 very planned pregnancies, this one was a surprise.  Basically thought we were done after four, and DH pretty much proclaimed it at the last birth LOL.  Oh well.  

I can say for the first month or two I didn't really believe it.  Then I started wondering if 'something would go wrong' or something.  

This was at a highly stressful time, probably in the top #3 stressful times of my life (and I've had close family members die and I put this up there just under those situations).  I feel like God has put this little one here to make me focus on what is *really* important and to get me to really take care of myself in a time of stress.  Funny, but true.  Even though I didn't pick the timing after the initial shock I'll admit there is a lot of joy.  I thought the child bearing years were over, so this was both unexpected and an extra blessing I didn't anticipate.  

You'll get through all of the crud...seriously...especially when you have kids after many years you just learn somehow to go with the flow of things.  Life doesn't happen the way we expect it most of the time.  And, that's OK.  We learn to roll with the punches.  :)  Try to stay optomistic and believe there is a reason the way things happen the way they do.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by bobcat 

This seems to be my first pregnancy that is doing well, but I had two miscarriages before this, and no children on earth. I felt very bonded with the first pregnancy, but there were a number of ultrasounds that gave bad news. So honestly, I expected bad news with this one, and was shocked when I was told this baby was a keeper. When I got the BFP, I experienced what you described, just kind of upset/scared (though I think love was somewhere in there). I hoped the baby would survive, the maternal instinct to protect the baby, but I also kind of doubted it would work out based on my past. Then when I found out that this pregnancy was likely "a keeper" as my OB said, it was strange....I went through all the emotions: beaming, in love with the ultrasound pic, but then all of a sudden the worries hitting me when I got the BFP weeks earlier were now realities. And for some reason that shock shook me to my core and caused a lot of stress, moreso than when I got the BFP.

I think after having a miscarriage, or losing a baby it's so, so very normal to have a harder time being attached. I want to make sure that you know we have an ongoing thread for mama's expecting their rainbow babies. Please feel free to join us here:

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1364651/expecting-our-rainbow-babies-october-2012-thread/0_50

[rainface]

I couldn't read and not reply...I actually found out I was pregnant while I was in pre-surgery to get my tonsils out. I had absolutely no idea. My boyfriend and I were not exclusive at the time, I was pursuing steps to get pregnant within a year or so (I was 30 and feeling my clock) but it was not my plan at that time. I told my boyfriend and he proposed and we were married within a week. I was told I have a rare marker on my blood type that can lead to severe complications in pregnancy and I stressed out about that for the first 15 weeks until problems were ruled out. I had such profound nausea I wanted to die at points during my first trimester. I had also had a miscarriage 3 years before that had put me through the wringer.
Long story short, I had a very hard time celebrating my pregnancy. I wanted a baby so bad but I felt anxious and it was so hard to feel connected when I was so sick and trying to protect myself emotionally against another miscarriage.
The things that helped were; finding out I was having a girl so I could start to picture her as a person, singing and talking to her, and feeling her move around once she got bigger.
Right now I'm typing this on my phone while I nurse my 12 month old daughter to sleep. She is the light of my life and the center of my world. It will get easier! Hang in there and trust yourself!

[bobcat]

Thanks for the additional replies.

I guess I am just feeling discouraged again. Maybe it comes in waves or phases. Sometimes I wish I wasn't pregnant, and it's hard to be excited. I am now at 12 weeks. Is that completely ridiculous???? :( :(  That I can't even be happy and excited? I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I am just sad and nervous about all the changes that I know I'm not ready for. I do have chronic fatigue syndrome, and it wasn't going well before I got pregnant....lots to be improved upon.  I just feel that now with the added responsibility of a baby,  I have no hope that I'll be able to do anything to take good or better care of myself, to get myself out of this chronic fatigue. And really, I was at my wit's end with it before.

I don't know what to do. Right now, I go through phases where I am "disappointed" that I am pregnant. I think the real problem is my health, and I know that taking care of the baby will impede me from doing anything to make my health situation better. And I just can't really see a future, with me staying this sick, especially while trying to care for an infant. I can't imagine being happy or being a good Mom. And I worry I will take the unhappyness, and blame the baby, because I didn't have a chance to recover more from the CFS, before the stress of a baby was added.

I guess, again, the real problem is my health, not the pregnancy. If it wasn't for my health, I WOULD be excited. But because of my health situation, I just feel that any hope I had of getting better is wiped away. So I am bummed, and just feel literally like there's no hope for me.

I guess the only logical thing to do is change what I can, which is work on making my health situation more bearable. The problem is, there isn't much that can be done. :(  I am going to try to hire personal assistants to help me take better care of myself (exercising, etc), but it's costly. :( Hard to stomach, esp when we have no money for the baby, or barely even the money to move to a larger apartment before the baby comes, which will be necessary. I don't have any family nearby that can help at all. :( I guess that's another reason i feel hopeless. This is going to wipe me out, just like my CFS with no help already has.

Does anyone have words of encouragement? I am not thinking anyone is going to solve these issues, but does anyone else just dread all the challenges while pregnant? And do you then hold it against the baby, when he or she is born? I hope I won't, but I am worried...

[bobcat]

Just wanted to update that today I am feeling a little better. Sorry to take everyone through the ups and downs. :( It's been hard.

There's not a lot I can do about certain things in my life like my health, but I need to step back and realize that I am still lucky despite everything (gratitude, something I'm learning). There are even some positive things in my life that have happened because I have this ongoing illness. I spoke with someone else with similar health issues as me, and it gave me perspective.

I am going to try to take it easier on myself. Rest more and stress less. That will help.

Today my nausea suddenly got worse, and it reminded me that I am actually pregnant (when you aren't showing much, with hardly any symptoms, you tend to almost forget changes are happening). So that also reminded me that I need to go easier on myself and take care of MYSELF, for the baby and me.

[nettster]

i definitely know the "bad timing of pregnancy" though me and my DH were thrilled to have a baby i had just moved back out of the country to my grandmothers! bit of a shocker when i found out i was pregnant an he was almost a full 24 hours away. lots of ups and downs emotionally. i started into a threatened miscarriage got put on bed rest and 9 weeks later lost the baby. 

NOW we are on pregnancy number 2 all is going great this time, other then hubby's work is dwindling, hours are getting tight and the possibility of a layoff. i agree with the above who say there is no perfect timing for a baby some great divine source out there pretty much goes yep baby for you. (i was on birth control and we were using barrier methods when i got pregnant this time!) 

My mother in law found out she was pregnant with her youngest when she was heading into surgery to fix her feet. (work related injury) you can imagine her shock she had 3 kids and there is a 13 year difference between my hubby(the second youngest) and his little brother (yes he was born with downs) 

and i know what you mean about the early stages and the nausea, I'm 18 weeks now and once i started showing my morning sickness was just wearing off bit by bit now its almost non existent only if i happen to get an empty stomach do i get it. 

it's good to hear you are going to try and take it easier on yourself. relaxing and taking care of yourself is the best thing you could do not only for your baby but for you in general.