I have so much respect for the strength of the women on here, and also for all mothers regardless of where/how they choose to birth.
I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and my (now ex) husband walked out on me when he found out I was pregnant (I had just missed the first period and he left and said it was not his, that I was not even pregnant). He is in now back in another country, and has been trying to contact me lately saying he wants us to get back together but I do not feel I can trust him to be at this birth. I am also worried so much that I am 'safe' as long as I am still pregnant but that as soon as the baby is born he will start a major custody/visitation fight with this poor child that he didn't care about (and denied) before as the pawn. I am terrified that he will raise all kinds of evil if I don't put him on the birth certificate or give the child his last name or whatever, but I am afraid if I do he will try to take the child to his country overseas. I care about him and was contemplating reconciling with him, but I don't believe he is capable to be a father and husband who will keep his vows since he left us so easily and lied so much to everyone including me before.
My family is VERY into the establishment mentality that I 'should' go to the hospital ('like everyone else' as they believe) so the idea of even a homebirth is not going over well with anyone around me except with myself. I will say that my ex has said he might be able to help with a midwife so at least he is open to that, but he seems to feel I NEED one. He would freak out about a UC. They keep trying to get me to get on Medicaid 'just in case' and see an OB but I do not want governmental and medical establishment interference on top of all these other people judging me.
I have a young child already and want that child present at this birth, I had a HORRIBLE hospital birth experience with that one (my first and they would say his birth was a 'natural' one!) and always said that I would rather give birth by myself out in the woods than to ever repeat that awful experience. Mind you, I labored mostly at home but transferred due to nerve pain and no support at the time and fear because this was my first and I was overwhelmed at the time, and was not given drugs to my knowledge although they could have slipped whatever into the IV I guess. The ER doc threatened to cut me because I kicked her out of reflex when she kept hurting me and pushing and prodding while I was trying to push the baby out. I had horribly mean nurses and judgmental people all around, they took my child immediately to the NICU for 'observation' and kept them for four days. It was only when we threatened a lawsuit that lo and behold they determined the child to then be ready to go home. There was nothing wrong with my child and they refused to let me visit except certain hours and times and refused to let me breastfeed (they sent me home with a WOODEN assemble-it-yourself breastpump that didn't even work and even after my mom bought me a real one the hospital was still giving my child formula and who knows what else against my wishes). It was so traumatic on so many levels for me. Immediately after the birth he ER doc pulled out by hand parts of the placenta and of course I bled a lot due to that, then they tried to tell me that they supposedly saved mine and my child's life because I had 'partial placental abruptio'. I had no bleeding and no problems before, but early in that pregnancy I was smoking cigarettes due to the extreme stress I was under from the abusive relationship I was in, so I could have had that, but I still think that they caused a lot of extra trauma and bleeding that should not have happened.
I quit smoking a LONG time ago and don't drink, try to eat well, and take prenatals. I saw a midwife in my previous area who would have worked out a payment plan but just moved out of her state after the divorce and honestly I have very little to NO money for a midwife or even a doula, although I don't think a doula would help me for a homebirth since they are not midwives obviously.
I do NOT want to go to another hospital, and really want a homebirth more than anything, and have been thinking more and more about a UC this time. Of course if I told anyone they would think I was crazy and try to thwart my hopes of one, and if my ex was here or even my mom I am so afraid they would call 911 and try to force me to go to the hospital or otherwise to make more trouble and stress for me.
I feel much more ready to deal with birth this time since this is my second child but I need support emotionally. I am not convinced I could get a midwife with me not having an income at the moment (not able to afford $1500-5000 right now since we have very little in savings that we are surviving on). I am afraid a midwife might still freak out if I went over my due date, if she was too much into interventions, etc. I honestly am feeling like a mama cat or dog who is frantically trying to find somewhere to 'nest' and feel safe to give birth naturally without spectators and interference this time.
People around me would say I was being irresponsible and unreasonable if they knew I was seriously wanting a homebirth, not to mention contemplating seriously giving birth alone.
Do you mamas out there have any words of encouragement or suggestions for me?
I don't want to feel so under attack and unsafe in this time because I know it is not good for me or the baby, and I really need to feel less stressed about all of this.