Introduction and need help easing my worries please?

[elliemae8]

Hello everyone,

I have so much respect for the strength of the women on here, and also for all mothers regardless of where/how they choose to birth.

I am currently 33 weeks pregnant and my (now ex) husband walked out on me when he found out I was pregnant (I had just missed the first period and he left and said it was not his, that I was not even pregnant).  He is in now back in another country, and has been trying to contact me lately saying he wants us to get back together but I do not feel I can trust him to be at this birth.  I am also worried so much that I am 'safe' as long as I am still pregnant but that as soon as the baby is born he will start a major custody/visitation fight with this poor child that he didn't care about (and denied) before as the pawn.  I am terrified that he will raise all kinds of evil if I don't put him on the birth certificate or give the child his last name or whatever, but I am afraid if I do he will try to take the child to his country overseas.  I care about him and was contemplating reconciling with him, but I don't believe he is capable to be a father and husband who will keep his vows since he left us so easily and lied so much to everyone including me before.

My family is VERY into the establishment mentality that I 'should' go to the hospital ('like everyone else' as they believe) so the idea of even a homebirth is not going over well with anyone around me except with myself.  I will say that my ex has said he might be able to help with a midwife so at least he is open to that, but he seems to feel I NEED one.  He would freak out about a UC.  They keep trying to get me to get on Medicaid 'just in case' and see an OB but I do not want governmental and medical establishment interference on top of all these other people judging me.

I have a young child already and want that child present at this birth, I had a HORRIBLE hospital birth experience with that one (my first and they would say his birth was a 'natural' one!) and always said that I would rather give birth by myself out in the woods than to ever repeat that awful experience.  Mind you, I labored mostly at home but transferred due to nerve pain and no support at the time and fear because this was my first and I was overwhelmed at the time, and was not given drugs to my knowledge although they could have slipped whatever into the IV I guess.  The ER doc threatened to cut me because I kicked her out of reflex when she kept hurting me and pushing and prodding while I was trying to push the baby out.  I had horribly mean nurses and judgmental people all around, they took my child immediately to the NICU for 'observation' and kept them for four days.  It was only when we threatened a lawsuit that lo and behold they determined the child to then be ready to go home.  There was nothing wrong with my child and they refused to let me visit except certain hours and times and refused to let me breastfeed (they sent me home with a WOODEN assemble-it-yourself breastpump that didn't even work and even after my mom bought me a real one the hospital was still giving my child formula and who knows what else against my wishes).  It was so traumatic on so many levels for me.  Immediately after the birth he ER doc pulled out by hand parts of the placenta and of course I bled a lot due to that, then they tried to tell me that they supposedly saved mine and my child's life because I had 'partial placental abruptio'.  I had no bleeding and no problems before, but early in that pregnancy I was smoking cigarettes due to the extreme stress I was under from the abusive relationship I was in, so I could have had that, but I still think that they caused a lot of extra trauma and bleeding that should not have happened.

I quit smoking a LONG time ago and don't drink, try to eat well, and take prenatals.  I saw a midwife in my previous area who would have worked out a payment plan but just moved out of her state after the divorce and honestly I have very little to NO money for a midwife or even a doula, although I don't think a doula would help me for a homebirth since they are not midwives obviously.

I do NOT want to go to another hospital, and really want a homebirth more than anything, and have been thinking more and more about a UC this time.  Of course if I told anyone they would think I was crazy and try to thwart my hopes of one, and if my ex was here or even my mom I am so afraid they would call 911 and try to force me to go to the hospital or otherwise to make more trouble and stress for me. 

I feel much more ready to deal with birth this time since this is my second child but I need support emotionally.  I am not convinced I could get a midwife with me not having an income at the moment (not able to afford $1500-5000 right now since we have very little in savings that we are surviving on).  I am afraid a midwife might still freak out if I went over my due date, if she was too much into interventions, etc.  I honestly am feeling like a mama cat or dog who is frantically trying to find somewhere to 'nest' and feel safe to give birth naturally without spectators and interference this time.

People around me would say I was being irresponsible and unreasonable if they knew I was seriously wanting a homebirth, not to mention contemplating seriously giving birth alone.

Do you mamas out there have any words of encouragement or suggestions for me?

I don't want to feel so under attack and unsafe in this time because I know it is not good for me or the baby, and I really need to feel less stressed about all of this.

Thank you!

[babycatcher12]

I read this last night and it's taken me some time to process. I'm going to give my 2 cents here and it may not mean diddly squat. Take it for what it's worth. 

First, do what you feel like you need to do. Talk to a midwife or doula and see if you can work something out with them if you want something like that at your birth. If you want to do it unassisted, prepare to do so and don't call anyone when you go in to labor, or call a friend you can trust. If it were me in your situation, I wouldn't tell a soul I planned to UC. Not my mother, my ex or anyone who wouldn't be 100% supportive of me. You don't need to be bathing that baby in stress hormones. It's not good for you and it's not good for your baby. Stress can have an adverse affect on your labor and your birth. 

Second, you have to decide if you want to let your ex in to your life. He walked out on you. He hasn't supported you (from what I can tell in your post) financially or otherwise. He doesn't get a say. Don't put yourself in a position to rely on him to financially or emotionally support your birth choices. In my opinion, pregnancy especially at the end, is a terrible time to reconcile a relationship. Mostly because the emotion is tied more to the baby than it is to you and the kid ends up being a manipulation tool. I've seen it happen enough that it's just not something I would do. If he wants to establish paternity, then so be it and he can help support the child financially otherwise I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate. If he feels strongly enough about it then he'll be willing to sign a paternity statement or take a DNA test. Again, my opinion. 

I think you're in a tough spot. You job in the next few weeks is really to grow your baby, prepare for birth and be as stress free as possible. I would suggest you do what you feel like needs to be done regardless of what other people in your family think. You are the one giving birth. 

[queenrilly]

I fel that if you want to have a UC then you shoudl. You're the only one who knows how you feel and what you can truly "handle". Women were made to make babies.

As for your ex husband, stay away from him and I wouldn't even allow contact between you two or tell him about the baby and definitely don't put him on the birth certificate - this one I know from personal and friends' experiences.

you're such a strong woman!

I would definitely go get food stamps and medicaid, if not for yourself then at least to help care for your first child. there is no shame in asking for help, and don't forget about WIC programs either. Those things are there to help you get through hard times.

hugs mama!!! stay strong!
 

[Lynann]

The home birth CNM (Certified Nurse Midwife) I had for my last birth takes Medicaid patients. I think it varies State to State, but it might be worth finding out if you do want a home birth WITH a midwife.

I do agree with the pps that you really should NOT involve your EX. He has already shown himself to be unreliable and manipulative. I have a friend having a terrible time with the family court system because of an unstable and unreliable Ex using their toddler as a revenge tool against her. Please protect yourself and your baby, get a lawyer if he does decide to fight in court over the baby. In the meantime tell him NOTHING. Right now your priority is growing this baby and staying as stress free as possible until this baby is born.

If you feel comfortable with a UC, and you prepare yourself for it, then I see no reason why you should not do it. Don't listen to what your family says. Listen to your heart and intuition. You are the one birthing this baby, so you need to do whatever it is you need to do for that birth.

We don't plan on telling our families that we are UCing until it is all over, as we already know that they will get all stressed out about it and try to fill us with fear too. I'd rather not hear them go on about what essentially is none of their business.

I do hope you get some peace over your decision and the support you need.