Recovery « Back to Group Discussions

[nhklh]

Posting this here so as not to drag down the golden month thread.....

I need to know more about normal birth recovery times. I realise, of course, that it's going to be different for everyone, but assuming everything goes normally, I don't tear much, if at all, and everyone is fit and well, what's the minimum I can expect to be out of action for? I know resting is ideal and so on, but that's just not realistic in a household where the only other adult is not able-bodied and requires my care, and with 2 other children, and no support.

[Mamabeakley]

The problem is that even with ideal physiological circumstances as you describe, your body is going to be healing the site of the placental detachment and that takes time.  Fortunately, your body will probably give you very direct feedback about whether you are doing too much or not: if you are, your lochia/bleeding will increase; if you aren't, it will slow down and gradually stop.  In ideal circumstances, I'd put an average time of about 2 weeks to be back to somewhat normal levels of functioning?  But it really depends.  Recovery will be slower if you hemmoraghe (sp?), etc.

Remind us how old the other kids are?  Will they be able to help to some extent?  What CAN'T they help with?  Who could help temporarily with those things?  Even once? 

[cieloazul]

Not sure you can predict that; so many factors at play.

I like what Mamabeakley said about bleeding and placentas. My doula put it this way when I had DS: "You can't see it but you basically just lost a limb." Her point was that, under those circumstances, you'd take time to recover and no one would expect you to be 100% right away.

FWIW when I had DS it was physiologically awesome (vaginal, no drugs, no tears, normal bleeding, etc) and I still felt like I'd been hit by a truck afterwards. I was up and walking around within hours but felt shaky and weak for about a week I'd say. The physicality of labor was draining, many hours with lots of pushing on very little sleep. The only thing I can compare it to is the feeling after a grueling hike at high altitude.

I think though we do what we have to do and find a way to make it work. Can you line up all the support that you'd need in the worst case scenario? It sounds like there are some tasks that must be done to keep your family running. If you couldn't do those who could? Everything else can go a little haywire for a few weeks but I think if i were in your shoes I'd be most comfortable knowing there was a back-up in place to cover the essentials.

Last thought, I would bet this is one if those things where rushing it and overdoing it will actually make recovery longer. Probably better to get a longer period of real rest and then get back to life at full capacity, rather than getting a shorter amount of rest followed by many weeks of operating at 50% capacity, KWIM?

[themothership]

Honestly for me, I didn't really get a chance to "rest"- I was in the hospital for a total of 4 hours after birth because I chose to follow my dd to the NICU (2ish hours away). My version of "rest" was to have valet parking at the hospital (after driving myself there from the ronald mcdonald house down the road and when we needed to go shopping for food/snacks I let my husband push me in a wheel chair for the first 4 days. Otherwise I did mostly sit, but I didn't get the rest (emotional or physical) that I know I needed. 

We came home at 6 days postpartum and then I was up around cleaning the house, going to the store, etc. I would say other than being tired (and going to bed at night when baby did instead of staying up a few hours with my husband, I was "recovered" by 2 weeks pp. By that I mean my bleeding had stopped, and I wasn't in physical pain. 

my advice if you need to be able to be the primary caregiver for the entire family- plan meals that are quick and easy, even if they aren't the healthiest. use disposable plates/cups/silverware etc as much as possible, pick a few things that are important (like having the floors clear, and laundry done) and let everything else slide. it will only be for a short time and it will give you a little peace of mind to have a little less to do. you will spend a bit more time playing catch up, but it will be worth it in the end. (also depending on the ages of your other kids they can have "helping jobs" like keeping the floors clear of toys and other things that don't belong) and maybe your partner could be in charge of filling out the bills (even if you have to be the one to take them to the mailbox) so that it will free up a few minutes of your time.

[phatchristy]

Just like the other ladies said, you may feel 'great' however don't overdo.  You'll find yourself passing clots, etc. because internally you're not yet healed.  I did that with my second.  Felt so great, and then like 3 days in passed a clot the size of a tangerine.  Called up the mw and she cautioned me to take it easy.  I'd say one week of seriously taking it easy, then another week of lighter activity.  Probably minimum.  Your midwife can give you advice as well on it.

I felt SO good after the last baby I had to stop myself to take it easy.  They told me that the more kiddos the easier the recovery, and I believe it here as that has been the case for me.  

[mamaharrison]

Originally Posted by nhklh 

Posting this here so as not to drag down the golden month thread.....
 

I don't think the two topics are the same, TBH, and so the two threads will both hold pertinent information. I lovingly asked for the Golden Month thread to be kept positive and within the topic and I don't feel like that was rude or out of line and I am sorry if you didn't feel the same. My apologies. I can't read your tone, but I can say that this definitely doesn't feel like it was meant to be nice and it did hurt my feelings.

[Lilac11]

Aside from the physical recovery:

 

- Establishing breastfeeding took a lot of time out of my days!  Mw from last time warned us at the beginning it takes 8 full hours a day all added up! which I think was more than I actually spent myself, but helped to prepare me psychologically!

 

- Sleep - I found I needed to spend a lot of time in bed at night during the newborn period!  After a while he could latch on quickly and I barely had to wake up and I'd fall asleep before he was done nursing, so cosleeping and bfing was not very disruptive of my sleep, ie I didn't need to spend an inordinate amount of time in bed to get enough sleep.  BUT with a newborn I had to really fully wake up and latch him on (cosleeping side-lying nursing) and sort of manage the whole bf thing each time in the night. So I was spending 12h a night in bed in order to get enough zzzs... which I don't think will be possible this time! so I think I'll have to grab some naps during the day.

[mamaharrison]

Originally Posted by Lilac11 

Aside from the physical recovery:

 

- Establishing breastfeeding took a lot of time out of my days!  Mw from last time warned us at the beginning it takes 8 full hours a day all added up! which I think was more than I actually spent myself, but helped to prepare me psychologically!

 

 

I wish someone had told me it would be that much or had said it in that way. I definitely spent that much time, if not more with baby at breast for the first 4 weeks. My DD was an avid nurser. I even went to LLL meeting before birth and although I was a bit prepared for it living it was intense! I expect to nurse around the clock again, so anything less would be welcome ; )

[mamadiamond]

i know for a fact i didn't get enough recovery time with dd, or rather i did too much while i had help who could have done it. i bled heavilly for a month, and then off and on two more weeks. i had help the first 10 days, but then parents had to go home and dh had to go back to work (12 hour nights at that point) and it was just me. i will have about that same amount of recovery time this time, but i know this time to *not do anything* during those days and actually take full advantage of the help i have for the time i have it.

the age of your older kids can make a big difference. a 9 or 10 year old can make sandwiches or wash dishes. a 7 or 8 year old can be shown how to run a load of laundry. a 4 or 5 year old can help with folding. even a2 or 3 year old can fetch a clean diaper and pick up their own toys. i would delegate as much as possible. kids can handle a surprising amount of responsibilities, and often get a sense of pride out of getting to help mom/the family.

[tropicana74]

Originally Posted by nhklh 

Posting this here so as not to drag down the golden month thread.....

I need to know more about normal birth recovery times. I realise, of course, that it's going to be different for everyone, but assuming everything goes normally, I don't tear much, if at all, and everyone is fit and well, what's the minimum I can expect to be out of action for? I know resting is ideal and so on, but that's just not realistic in a household where the only other adult is not able-bodied and requires my care, and with 2 other children, and no support.

In my experience a lot of it depends on the baby. My first was very high needs from the get go and it caused me a lot of anxiety and made sleeping/relaxing hard. So for me it was all a blur of just plain tiredness and getting done what little I could when she would actually let me put her down. I remember DH went back to work after 1 week and then it was just me 100%. I really don't remember when I stopped feeling tired but I do remember being at the mall when she was 8 days old (because her belly stump fell off when I was changing her diaper)....but it was summer time.

By the time DS was born I had 3 kids (between my bio, adopted and foster). He was an easy baby and I think it made my recovery easier. I did have a second degree tear but I don't remember it slowing me down at all. I know that after the first week I was back on 100% mom duty (and DH was back to working 2 jobs) but I don't remember it being a problem physically.

I agree with a lot of what mothership said...pick the couple things that are biggies/high priorities and let the rest go. For me that is always dishes and laundry...the rest has to wait. I know I gave the kids things for dinner that I probably would not have otherwise and that they didn't all get a book before bed and those kinds of things if DH was working his night job. 

As far as the bleeding and rest part I guess I never put the two together. For me it was kind of like having a month long period (heavier in the beginning and got lighter). I don't remember feeling like I needed to slow down because of it. 

I think having to stop during the day to nurse a baby 6-8 times is forced rest enough (for me)! I agree with you, rest is great but just not a reality in a lot of homes.

[nhklh]

Originally Posted by Mamabeakley 

Remind us how old the other kids are?  Will they be able to help to some extent?  What CAN'T they help with?  Who could help temporarily with those things?  Even once? 

They are 8 and 4.  They can't do things like get dinner, deal with pets, do and hang out the washing, deal with dishes (I will be stocking up on paperplates etc of course), go get stuff from the shops, vacuum, clean the toilet floor (they pee on it daily and it stinks if I do not deal with it daily).  They can't deal with DP's catheters of course either.

We really don't have anybody to help, not even once.  DP's cousin was supposed to come here today to help with something and he hasn't turned up, hasn't called, nothing.  I've asked her mother previously to come watch the kids for short periods of time occasionally so I can get housework done and she has refused.  

[nhklh]

Originally Posted by mamaharrison 

I don't think the two topics are the same, TBH, and so the two threads will both hold pertinent information. I lovingly asked for the Golden Month thread to be kept positive and within the topic and I don't feel like that was rude or out of line and I am sorry if you didn't feel the same. My apologies. I can't read your tone, but I can say that this definitely doesn't feel like it was meant to be nice and it did hurt my feelings.

Separate thread is not about you at all, no hurt feelings intended whatsoever.  I just no that my life tends to be very depressing, and I know that I can't get friends IRL to even LISTEN to me because they don't want to hear about it, so I honestly did not want to drag it down.

[nhklh]

Originally Posted by themothership 

my advice if you need to be able to be the primary caregiver for the entire family- plan meals that are quick and easy, even if they aren't the healthiest. use disposable plates/cups/silverware etc as much as possible, pick a few things that are important (like having the floors clear, and laundry done) and let everything else slide. it will only be for a short time and it will give you a little peace of mind to have a little less to do. you will spend a bit more time playing catch up, but it will be worth it in the end. (also depending on the ages of your other kids they can have "helping jobs" like keeping the floors clear of toys and other things that don't belong) and maybe your partner could be in charge of filling out the bills (even if you have to be the one to take them to the mailbox) so that it will free up a few minutes of your time.

I had a talk to DP about it last night, and said that I needed her to be extra patient.  That things will go to shit for a while, and that getting stuff done will take me longer, but it will eventually get done.  And really, if the cats get fed a couple of hours later than usual they are not going to starve, and if the dog poop piles up for a week or so people will just have to watch where they step.

[nhklh]

Originally Posted by tropicana74 

In my experience a lot of it depends on the baby..

This worries me.  A lot.  DS1 was high needs, never ever ever slept, and cried literally all of the time.  Plus there was the projectile vomiting.  DS2 was probably more "average" but seemed SO easy by comparison.  It was like "OMG he slept for 20 mins IN A ROW (on me, boob in mouth)!!!

[cieloazul]

Originally Posted by nhklh 

They are 8 and 4.  They can't do things like get dinner, deal with pets, do and hang out the washing, deal with dishes (I will be stocking up on paperplates etc of course), go get stuff from the shops, vacuum, clean the toilet floor (they pee on it daily and it stinks if I do not deal with it daily).  They can't deal with DP's catheters of course either.

We really don't have anybody to help, not even once. ...

N, I'm confused. I read your original post as asking about recovery from vaginal birth since both your boys were cesarean births. You're a total pro with newborn life, I'm sure. And I would think recovery from cesarean would be more intense than recovery from vaginal birth. (Any experienced VBAC mamas wanna weigh in on that?) Point is, I think you've totally got this. You can do it! It may feel daunting, hell it may *be* daunting, and yet you *will* make it to the other side. I believe in you. We're a pretty useless bunch when it comes to helping you with chores, but this group will surround you with whatever virtual emotional support you need. (((hugs)))

Also, about kids helping out at home, maybe start now with giving each child a couple responsibilities. Every child is different and you know yours better than any of us do, still I agree with mamadiamond that children of every age can do something helpful even if it's not making the mess any worse. Maybe spend this month before baby arrives working with your boys on aiming pee and wiping the floor after each use Or practice making sandwiches and other no-cook meals. Or delegate cat-feeding to them and show them how/when. Any little thing they can do themselves will lighten your load. Around here I'm working with DS (5) to get dressed on his own, and to clear his plate and wash his hands by himself after meals. We turned feeding the dogs over to him a few months ago. We're about halfway there with gettig him to carry his own bookbag/lunchbox/etc to and from school. I have a friend who says, "It is a disservice to do anything for a child that he can do for himself." I have to remind myself of that, that letting go is the whole point of raising kids. They eventually do everything for themselves and my job is to let them.

[mamaharrison]

Originally Posted by cieloazul 


N, I'm confused. I read your original post as asking about recovery from vaginal birth since both your boys were cesarean births. You're a total pro with newborn life, I'm sure. And I would think recovery from cesarean would be more intense than recovery from vaginal birth. (Any experienced VBAC mamas wanna weigh in on that?) Point is, I think you've totally got this. You can do it! It may feel daunting, hell it may *be* daunting, and yet you *will* make it to the other side. I believe in you. We're a pretty useless bunch when it comes to helping you with chores, but this group will surround you with whatever virtual emotional support you need. (((hugs)))
Also, about kids helping out at home, maybe start now with giving each child a couple responsibilities. Every child is different and you know yours better than any of us do, still I agree with mamadiamond that children of every age can do something helpful even if it's not making the mess any worse. Maybe spend this month before baby arrives working with your boys on aiming pee and wiping the floor after each use Or practice making sandwiches and other no-cook meals. Or delegate cat-feeding to them and show them how/when. Any little thing they can do themselves will lighten your load. Around here I'm working with DS (5) to get dressed on his own, and to clear his plate and wash his hands by himself after meals. We turned feeding the dogs over to him a few months ago. We're about halfway there with gettig him to carry his own bookbag/lunchbox/etc to and from school. I have a friend who says, "It is a disservice to do anything for a child that he can do for himself." I have to remind myself of that, that letting go is the whole point of raising kids. They eventually do everything for themselves and my job is to let them.

I completely agree with this! especially the bold. I operate under that notion--not for the kiddos, but for YOU--when you do things for others that they can and should be doing for themselves you are turning yourself into a martyr and that never feels good! There is a difference between lovingly taking care of your family and doing everything for them! Only you can set that boundary for yourself and it isn't easy when you are used to 'doing' it all and it sure sounds like you are, but that isn't fair! No one will do things the exact way that you do them, but that is ok. They will find out how to do them in a way that works for them and you just have to allow that and see how much it really does help to have the kids do some of this stuff on their own. 

My DD is 3 and she feeds the cat 2x a day, of course when I ask her to, she doesn't remember on her own, but I say, 'derby is hungry he is meowing he needs his food, please' and she get his dish and scoops it out--everything is at her level so it is easy for her and she loves doing it. it took some work to get her into it, but now she tells me,'everyone has to help and teamwork in a family and I feed derby all by myself!' I know boys bathroom habits can be atrocious, but i would NOT be cleaning up pee on the floor from them at this age, honestly! 8 and 4 is definitely old enough for them to be taught how to do that themselves. Make up a squirt bottle with vinegar and water and your favorite essential oil and hang it right next to the toilet and let them know that they are to squirt the floor anytime they pee on it--show em how! DD loves to 'clean' the floor when she spills something on it. And at 8 years old I was certainly doing the dishes and laundry on my own! My mom was a single parent and those wee two things I did daily for myself and for her. Of course, I understand that every child is different as cielo mentions, but I would definitely take the time to start showing them the importance of their role within the family especially since you will be doing infant care now.

[Mamabeakley]

Another difference between children that I will just mention is willingness.  DS1 is 8.  I am sure that mechanically he is perfectly capable of doing dishes and laundry, etc.  But emotionally he is not, he is not willing and I think that's mostly because frustration is so difficult for him.  But we do insist that he do SOME stuff and even though he still fights us on it 95% of the time, it is good for him to have to because he learns (gradually) that he actually IS capable.  Every day he has to help clean up the floors at night (our house is very open and toys go everywhere - kids don't have rooms or even a playroom to contain them).  He also often feeds the dog and walks the dog (he is a physically big 8 year old and nobody is going to mess with someone with a 50 lb dog in our neighborhood).  He is also capable of clearing the table, emptying the tub (our shower arrangment leaves much to be desired and has no drain currently), putting in a load of laundry, putting away dry dishes, starting a fire in the wood stove, carrying in wood, etc.  He could do dishes but he takes forever so usually I prefer to do that myself.

DS2 is 6.  He isn't allowed to walk the dog by himself (he's lighter than the dog!) and he's not really physically capable of emptying the tub, but he can do most of the other stuff his big brother can.  He is also a much more detail-oriented, organized kind of person so he is also able to put clean clothes away and will sometimes demand that I let him put the dishes away because he'll put stuff where it actually belongs whereas DS1 is more haphazard.

DD is 3.  She CAN tidy up toys although she doesn't like to.  We're just starting to work with her on actually helping out with that.  She also likes to feed the dog, although she needs help to get the rodent-proof bin of dog food open.

Just sharing to give some ideas of what real live actual not terribly naturally helpful kids might be able to do.

Nkhkl - might there be a local teenager who would be willing to come in and be mothers' helper for an hour a day for the first week or so?  I agree that you know a lot about dealing with the newborn period and that recovery from a vaginal birth will likely be easier than recovery from a c/s, so I don't know that you especially would need a dedicated post-partum doula, even if you could find one.  But a teenager who you could pay a nomial fee to for some minor household tasks might be worth his/her weight in gold . . ..  I think that is what I would do if I didn't have the kind of support I (very, very luckily) will have.

[nhklh]

Originally Posted by Mamabeakley 

Another difference between children that I will just mention is willingness.  

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head right here.  DS2 is helpful and willing.  DS1 is absolutely NOT.  No way, no how, no matter what.

[kel]

Check out this article nhklh:

http://www.keeperofthehome.org/2012/02/natural-ways-to-recover-from-pregnancy.html

xox

[segolilymama]

I agree that all kids are different - in their abilities, their willingness, etc. When we moved into our home about a year ago, and the 12 kids were interacting a lot more (without the 'I'm just gonna go to MY house to get away from you' as an option), we made this huge chart - it's a circle, and each kid has a little section on each side. One side says 'needs' and the other says 'contributions.' (I'm actually remembering we started this even before the move). Each child said what they need or get from our family - love, food, clean laundry, hugs, you name it. Then on the other side is a list of what they contribute to the family - sense of humor, smiles, hugs, feeding pets, helping with dishes, etc. We also had a list of what the grown-ups need & contribute. now, of COURSE the grown-ups do a LOT more work. We are the adults. But seeing - in full color so to speak - how much work it takes for the adults to have our household work was a huge eye-opener for many of the kids. We don't speak of it in terms of what is 'fair' or not, but rather, we are all in this together - how can we support one another? Everyone, from my 43 yo DH down to the 2 yo helps out, in the ways s/he can. I'm mentioning this here because I think it could be helpful for other families where willingness to help out is an issue.