Creative 6 year old's imagination being discouraged in school - Page 2

[serenbat]

I would be more worried in how the teacher is handling this and that effect on your child.

Psychology Today (not to mentions several other sources) has several articles on this and the BENEFITS- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/childs-play/201102/imaginary-friends-more-common-you-might-think

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/geek-pride/200911/magic-moments-and-imaginary-friends

Quote:

imaginary friends can be a red flag

children that do not have imaginary friends also make up stories-BIG ones and that does not mean a red flag

[One_Girl]

I think you need to have a meeting in person to find out what is really happening. Kids distort and misunderstand things so easily and it really isn't common for a school psychologist to get involved so it sounds like something that needs to be looked into first hand face to face. School counselors rarely even get involved so the school psychologist being asked in is a big deal imo.

I don't think it is bad to gently help kids distinguish reality from imagination. I did this with my dd and it helped her with honesty while doing nothing to her imagination, which is still very present to this day. If the teacher did this at recess I would be concerned but not about it happening during class when discussion should be about classwork not imaginary sibling games.

[Linda on the move]

I very sorry for your miscarriage.

Originally Posted by lyzamay 

My daughter actually has very strong social skills, and while I think that was the initial concern with the head teacher, I don't believe it is really affecting her with her peers. I think in the beginning of the year she talked about her "sister" more but quickly realized that it was something to keep quiet with only her close friends. I asked her what she says to the kids that don't believe her and she said she doesn't talk to them about it, so she's taking care of herself socially. She has her circle of friends and they quietly talk about it.

To complicate things more, she has an older 1/2 sister who she never sees, and we had a late miscarriage last year. So, this "sister" is a very healthy way of her dealing with her losses.

Or it is a sign that she needs additional help and support to process those losses at this time.

You really aren't able to see what the interactions are like with the other children to the degree that the teacher can. It's a fun thing to have an imaginary friend or animal (one of my DD's had an entire litter of coyote puppies), however, I'm not so sure that having imaginary conversations with your dead or missing sibling is fun or healthy.

[Friday13th]

I'm also sorry about your loss and I'm sure it must be incredibly hard for the entire family.

I was an only child with an elaborate imaginary family. I had them for years, added on as I went, drew pictures of them, wrote stories about them and spent pretty much all my free time pretending to have adventures with them. Somewhere along the line I learned to keep the imaginary siblings out of the classroom and stuck to imaginary games that my friends also liked (horses, mostly) but at home, my default play was imaginary family. I was aware they were imaginary and my mother mostly left me to my own devices and nodded and smiled when I talked about them. This went on well into middle school, maybe even later, i just got better at hiding it.

Now, as an adult I get that I was really lonely and I wish my mother had made more of an effort to encourage me to not spend *so* much time in fantasy land. I still, now, tend to slip into stories in my own head when stressed, bored or overstimulated and I wish I had developed some other coping skills earlier in life.

I don't know if my experience is at all helpful to you and I certainly understand your initial reaction is to defend your child but I think it's worth sitting down with the teacher and finding out exactly how much this is impacting your daughters school life and why the teacher finds it so concerning.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by serenbat 

I would be more worried in how the teacher is handling this and that effect on your child.

Psychology Today (not to mentions several other sources) has several articles on this and the BENEFITS- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/childs-play/201102/imaginary-friends-more-common-you-might-think

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/geek-pride/200911/magic-moments-and-imaginary-friends




children that do not have imaginary friends also make up stories-BIG ones and that does not mean a red flag

I feel completely misquoted here. I said:

On one hand, kids still have imaginary friends at that age. I know my older daughter did. Lots of them. People and animals. On the other hand, I know that some behavior surrounding imaginary friends can be a red flag at various ages and might prompt a teacher to look into things more to make sure everything is OK

Yes, there are other red flags as well.

[lyzamay]

Forgive me, I don't know how to do quotes correctly, very new to the forum—

Quote:

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I very sorry for your miscarriage.

Originally Posted by lyzamay 

My daughter actually has very strong social skills, and while I think that was the initial concern with the head teacher, I don't believe it is really affecting her with her peers. I think in the beginning of the year she talked about her "sister" more but quickly realized that it was something to keep quiet with only her close friends. I asked her what she says to the kids that don't believe her and she said she doesn't talk to them about it, so she's taking care of herself socially. She has her circle of friends and they quietly talk about it.

To complicate things more, she has an older 1/2 sister who she never sees, and we had a late miscarriage last year. So, this "sister" is a very healthy way of her dealing with her losses.

Or it is a sign that she needs additional help and support to process those losses at this time.

You really aren't able to see what the interactions are like with the other children to the degree that the teacher can. It's a fun thing to have an imaginary friend or animal (one of my DD's had an entire litter of coyote puppies), however, I'm not so sure that having imaginary conversations with your dead or missing sibling is fun or healthy.

wow, I don't know how you got to that point? My DD is not having imaginary conversations with a dead or missing sibling.

My point here, and I really do appreciate everyone's feedback, is that I know that imaginary friends are normal/common. Anyone that knows my DD knows that she is well-adjusted and happy and imaginative. Her friends play along with her games. She is feeling her way out of this one and says that she really doesn't talk about it at school, perhaps in the beginning she raised her hand to say she had a sibling and the teachers thought she was referring to the doll, but she in fact does have a sister— a real, living sister who doesn't live at home.

My concern is this assistant teacher that feels the need to tell my daughter that she's pretending and it's not possible. This hurts my daughter. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by serenbat 

I would be more worried in how the teacher is handling this and that effect on your child.

Psychology Today (not to mentions several other sources) has several articles on this and theBENEFITS- http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/childs-play/201102/imaginary-friends-more-common-you-might-think

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/geek-pride/200911/magic-moments-and-imaginary-friends

 

Thank you for the links. I think what my daughter is doing is very healthy and she is not necessarily mourning a loss, but has decided that if we can't give her a sibling in the house then she will make her own. She is headstrong. 

I'd also like to make the point that the head teacher doesn't tell her she's pretending, she doesn't feed into it either, but my DD feels supported by her because she doesn't make out that this is all in my DD's head. 

I will ask the head teacher what her observations are, but I really do think it comes down to one teacher hurting my daughter's feelings.

I have asked the teacher if my DD was being hurt socially and she never said so. Obviously, without further talking to the teacher it's all conjecture.

Quote:

 I just wanted to give you a "teacher" perspective on it.

Thanks for that, tbone_kneegrabber, I don't think my DD is doing all that! But, I'm glad that the teachers didn't squelch that imagination!

[serenbat]

Quote:

I feel completely misquoted here. I said:

On one hand, kids still have imaginary friends at that age. I know my older daughter did. Lots of them. People and animals. On the other hand, I know that some behavior surrounding imaginary friends can be a red flag at various ages and might prompt a teacher to look into things more to make sure everything is OK

Yes, there are other red flags as well.

I could have quoted your whole statement and it would not change it one bit.

Red flags (usually meaning some sort of abuse) is simply unfounded.

You did not indicate what your were alluding to but there is nothing that would indicate nor should it be suggested that this would mean "red flags". This is an assistant teacher that does not seem to understand what is NORMAL. What red flags do you think she is seeing??? Abuse of some type? And this would warrant that they should see the school psychologist? I can't see a reason why.

The OP's DD seems quite NORMAL and healthy.

Quote:

My concern is this assistant teacher that feels the need to tell my daughter that she's pretending and it's not possible. This hurts my daughter. 

an uneducated teacher does not mean your child need to be the one seeking help!

[serenbat]

Quote:

I'm not so sure that having imaginary conversations with your dead or missing sibling is fun or healthy.

since it is very clear that this is not what the OP's child is dealing with it should be noted that many families do in fact have conversations with dead and missing sibling and they do view it as healthy and as a coping mechanism and it is view by many doctors as healthy and part of the grieving process 

many families are letting siblings hold dead sibling (stillborn, etc) and talk to them- to assume it is not healthy is very subjectable 

[mamazee]

Red flag simply means a potential concern. Like if you were to literally place a red flag on something so you could further look into it. Abuse is one of many, many issues that could be potential concerns. Dealing with grief well could be another.

[serenbat]

imaginary friends are NORMAL and HEALTHY and does not constitute a "red flag" of any kind, this is NOT schizophrenia! this child does know what is real and what is not

lack of understanding of what is normal is a red flag that the assistant has a problem/issue not the child, I would be greatly concerned that the assistant lacks basic understanding of abuse and lacks the knowledge to properly asses a situation to know what is and is not a real issue, if this is how the assistant deals with this, one must wonder how the assistant deals with real issues-IMO

Many schools are training facilitators to identify what is and is not a real issue. Given what the OP has said on how the teacher views her child this clearly is a situation that the assistant is not dealing properly with the child.

this child is well within the developmental guidelines to have an imaginary friend (s) and does not warrant seeing a psychologist, it is not viewed as a condition that needs correction

Edited by serenbat - 10/30/12 at 10:39am

[lyzamay]

Originally Posted by serenbat 

imaginary friends are NORMAL and HEALTHY and does not constitute a "red flag" of any kind, this is NOT schizophrenia! this child does know what is real and what is not

lack of understanding of what is normal is a red flag that the assistant has a problem/issue not the child, I would be greatly concerned that the assistant lacks basic understanding of abuse and lacks the knowledge to properly asses a situation to know what is and is not a real issue, if this is how the assistant deals with this, one must wonder how the assistant deals with real issues-IMO

Many schools are training facilitators to identify what is and is not a real issue. Given what the OP has said on how the teacher views her child this clearly is a situation that the assistant is not dealing properly with the child.

this child is well within the developmental guidelines to have an imaginary friend (s) and does not warrant seeing a psychologist, it is not viewed as a condition that needs correction

I really appreciate this serenbat.  we are not concerned about our daughter except for how this assistant teacher is making her feel by her dismissive statements.  I called my DD's pediatrician today to get her opinion. She said that it is perfectly normal at this age and even older to have imaginary friends and that there is no concern in regards to my daughter. She said it sounds like the teacher is sticking her nose in where it doesn't need to be and then she said good luck with the school. Obviously, the pediatrician knew that a school that can't support a "normal" and healthy, creative kid was going to be a challenge for us. Anyway, we have a meeting with the head teacher and the principal on Friday. Knowing that we have our DD's doctor on our side makes me feel much better. I will continue to look for articles that will show how perfectly normal this is and will make sure the school knows we expect for them to do what it takes to support our daughter.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama 

So...some creative kids leave their imaginary worlds at home and just take them out at the "acceptable" times -- late afternoons, evenings, and weekends. I get that.

But I really empathize with those who feel a need to carry those worlds around with them everywhere, because I was one of those kids.

What's weird is that despite all the schools' aggressive attempts to "socialize" me and make me fit in, I never did fit in. And I'm sure that if they'd just let me be myself, I still wouldn't have fit in, but at least I could have been a lot happier than I was.

Reading that made me so sad. I think I'd have just sat down and cried when they took away my book...

What gripes me is that socialization seems to be so much more about getting the most unique individuals to abandon some of their uniqueness and fit in with the group, than it is about helping children learn to accept others just as they are.

And I think kids are a lot more able to accept differences than we give them credit for. But I think they look to the adults around them for guidance on how to respond to differences, so it the adults are all acting like it's a major problem for children to have imaginary worlds, kids are going to absorb some of that attitude.

I tend to agree with you.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by serenbat 

imaginary friends are NORMAL and HEALTHY and does not constitute a "red flag" of any kind, this is NOT schizophrenia! this child does know what is real and what is not

lack of understanding of what is normal is a red flag that the assistant has a problem/issue not the child, I would be greatly concerned that the assistant lacks basic understanding of abuse and lacks the knowledge to properly asses a situation to know what is and is not a real issue, if this is how the assistant deals with this, one must wonder how the assistant deals with real issues-IMO

Many schools are training facilitators to identify what is and is not a real issue. Given what the OP has said on how the teacher views her child this clearly is a situation that the assistant is not dealing properly with the child.



this child is well within the developmental guidelines to have an imaginary friend (s) and does not warrant seeing a psychologist, it is not viewed as a condition that needs correction

Once again, I said that it is normal for children that age to have imaginary friends, and that mine did. I said that some behavior surrounding imaginary friends might be a red flag. The teacher suggested seeing the school psychologist, who would know if this particular behavior is, and if it isn't who could calm down the teacher. I never suggested it had anything to do with schizophrenia, or that the child didn't know what was real or not.

[lyzamay]

I din't mean to say the teacher suggested our daughter or us see the psychologist. She just said in our initial meeting that she had never experienced this and she wanted to talk to the school psychologist about our DD's sister doll. I thought that was a "red flag" since it is perfectly normal for a 6 year old to have an imaginary "friend". Since she mentioned it then and has since asked how our conversations at home were going even though she hasn't heard the doll mentioned as much and we have another teacher telling our dd what is real and what is not we are fed up. It's very concerning to me what a big deal the teachers are making out of this.

There is not a red flag with my DD. I'm not saying you said that there was, but imaginary friends shouldn't be considered red flags. I think that serenbat was trying to make that point. Red flags might be withdrawal or lashing out, not a happy kid with an active imagination. Maybe there are too many red flags.  

It's nice to know there are many moms out there that can relate to this.

[serenbat]

Quote:

 I said that some behavior surrounding imaginary friends might be a red flag. 

What are you referring to? What kind of red flags do you know of here? Just saying it doesn't make it so. Red flags surrounding behavior of imaginary friends means what to you? No where did I read the doll holds a knife or anything.

Having personally spoke to a psychologist about this I can't grasp what you are talking about in this context. Any so-called "behaviors" would not be related to imaginary friends and would be a totally different disorder- I can't believe this would even be suggested here! 

Quote:

The teacher suggested seeing the school psychologist, who would know if this particular behavior is, and if it isn't who could calm down the teacher.

NO parent should take their child to see a school psychologist to appease a teacher- that is crazy! It never is the parents responsibility to clam down a teacher. Again what particular behaviors does THIS child have?

This is laughable really, a school psychologist?

[serenbat]

Quote:

Reading that made me so sad.

the whole thing is! This poster and the OP's. The idea that somehow this is to "fixed" is just WRONG!  

[lyzamay]

It's funny, an article I found last night said that imaginary friends used to be seen as a red flag, but it is not so. I found another article too—even Super Nanny says that it is healthy.

Really our issue here is with the school and their mishandling of the situation. There is no issue with our daughter. She is creative and intelligent and kind.

[meemee]

this is an example why i feel any professional working with children - be they teachers or doctors - should have to take mandatory classes in childhood education.

it is frustrating that you have already had this conversation with the head teacher, and you would have thought she would have passed on this information to the assistant. 

i would have thought the assistant could have researched this online or directly spoken to the school psychologist for her own information. or maybe that's what i would have done. i've known teachers to do the darnest things though...

so i am confused why this whole huge hue and cry.

there must be more to it i'm guessing than you know now OP. 

good luck friday. OP please post an update.

perhaps print a couple of articles where it is considered normal and where they are considered red flags, to the meeting just in case you need to flash them out.

i hope this is a productive meeting and you come home feeling something had been accomplished. 

please go in with an open mind, making no assumptions because our children can behave so differently at home, as opposed to school (just like my dd does). 

[serenbat]

Quote:

It's funny, an article I found last night said that imaginary friends used to be seen as a red flag, but it is not so. I found another article too—even Super Nanny says that it is healthy.

Really our issue here is with the school and their mishandling of the situation. There is no issue with our daughter. She is creative and intelligent and kind.

 as a society most do not understand and while it is viewed as "cute" when the child is small it it not when they are older, mostly due to adults lack of education and misinformation on the subject, but as a teacher in this case, that is where I don't get it!! Just think of so many "disorders" that we once classified and now are not viewed as such. Most see a form of mental illness with "friends" not what it really is,,,,,,,,,so sad 

society sends many mixed messages to children- we read mostly fiction (with many stories about dolls that come to life and anthropomorphism) to young children yet we go crazy when the enter formal schooling and the still live in the world of fiction (so to speak) but turn right around and have them start by writing fiction stories BUT again we only want it take so far............there are countless examples of great fiction writer and how they had nightmare childhoods because adults were "concerned" over their vivid imaginations and once again, we turn around as adults and LOVE vivid fiction....we as adults talk endless about fictitious characters....that is OK---as a child to find comfort in this yet be told such mixed messages is simply so misplaced-IMO

[lyzamay]

Thanks meemee,

We want to go in prepared with articles and our first question will be what the teacher's observations are, and then we'll break it down form there. I really don't know that there is something more than "we" know. My feeling is that the school does not understand this and has made this an issue. If it isn't interfering withe her ability to learn and make friends then there is no issue.  If she draws a picture of her family and draws her doll, and her cats, the doll and cats are a part of our family. Her doll goes everywhere with us, sits at the table, has a "car seat" in the car. I even sewed a halloween costume for her— my dd was over the moon.

Id there is an issue with a kid teasing her then the issue is with teasing not with the reason why.

My DH and I are pretty clear here, that the school is not giving our DD the right kind of support and we are going in to advocate for her— with an open and clear mind.

I hope we can resolve it on Friday, I think no matter which way it goes we will know what we have to deal with.