Sorry that thank you was meant to be a reply to a certain post. I didn't know it would't work that way.
Now I've got some time to respond...
I moved in here two weeks ago because living in the shelter was creating so much stress that I just couldn't handle it after three month. I was beginning to be very angry towards my daughter because of the strict schedule and the fast pace that everything had to be in the shelter. The kids were never allowed to be just kids and the other kids there were pretty mean and angry also. So my daughter had to go through a lot while living there. I'm normally a very patient mom and at the shelter there is just no time for patience.
And I wasn't doing very well in school because of the strict shelter rules, which meant that I had to study in a room full of people talking, eating, doing whatever, and watch my child at the same time. I tried staying up late but there are just people around all the time and no space for being alone and quiet.
I also don't have a car, only a bike, and absolutely no support. Having a serious lack in support, I'm finding, is a really crippling thing in my life.
So my mom said I could move us in with her and grandma, use her cars, go to school, and she would support me the best she could. I said that would be great and I would help out with grandma and bills and everything. I'd pay for my own gas and food and other personal bills. She said that would be great. That was the agreement when we moved in.
My grandma's house does belong to her. My grandpa died a few years ago and left it to my grandma, but she, of course, can't be responsible for it, so my mom has been in the sluggish legal system in this small town for a long time trying to get guardianship. I believe my grandpa left guardianship to my uncle, Rich, but he hasn't been around and has too many problems mentally to do it anyway. He's been a bum musician for all his life and hasn't been here to help with Grandma at all. He tried for a little while but couldn't take it, so my mom took over and moved in. So she's trying to get guardianship and she says it's just taking a long time. I don't really know all the details cuz she doesn't explain it all. I'm sure she thinks I don't need to know.
My mom is upset with taking responsibility for most of her life. She has these health problems that rule her life and having more responsibility makes things harder for her. She's doing it because there's no one else to do it. I'm hoping that she'll see how much I help and how much me and grandma really get along (mom and grandma don't) and how my attitude about it is a lot more laid back and she'll transfer more responsibility onto me over time. I know she wants to do the best thing.
My mom had an apartment before she moved in here. I don't think it's due to her not having a place to stay. Although, who knows. I don't know how easy it will be for my mom to get a job after this. Her health is just so terrible and she is becoming more and more reclusive.
I have always been a sort of caregiver for my grandma. I've been coming here for years and I've always recognized that she gets along best with me and my daughter and that it's important for her to have meaningful relationships. It's no big deal to me. I can be granddaugther and caregiver just fine.
My daughter and I have separate spaces for just me and her downstairs where we are not even bothered at all by my mom or grandma. My mom respects our needs and it seems to be working out where I can spend the time I need to with my daughter and also help out. My mom needs me most at night when my daughter's already sleeping. And I make sure to spend one on one time with my daughter almost every day. My daughter and I have a really great relationship. She also gets to run around our 1/2 acre of backyard and field, which is great for her! she's never had that before. I don't believe my daughter will come second to my grandma. My mom isn't planning on leaving. She'll stay until grandma dies. So I'm just going to be a partner, not sole caregiver. And I think it will be good for my daughter to see. Right now there are four generations of family in our house and that's a special thing. The house is big enough for all of us. My grandpa built it when they were planning on having lots of kids. They only ended up with two, my mom and my uncle.
My daughter is not feeling in lack of my presence and she is getting to see how you take care of your family when they need you. I think it's an important lesson to learn.
My mom wants to get Grandma into a home of some sort...she's just waiting on all the legal guardianship stuff and in this small town everything takes longer than usual.
The financial situation is this. My grandpa had a lot of money saved up and also invested in stocks, bonds, and other things. It's all in my grandma's name. So my mom uses parts of her savings and parts of grandmas allowance to keep up health and house. My mom doesn't work outside the home because my grandma needs constant care. And my mom doesn't have access yet to the money my grandma has because of the guardianship issue. She just has enough to live right now.
So no, my mom doesn't get any breaks. That's what I'm going to help with. My mom knows she needs a break and she's already planning to go out some weekend and stay in a hotel just by herself and relax and have me stay here with her. That sounds great to me. So far the past two nights she's gotten a break from staying up late with grandma and putting her to bed too. So she's finally getting the time she needs to relax.
Also, I don't homeschool. I just support it. Abryn goes to the elementary school right down the road. We ride our bikes there every day. :)
I know we need to set specific roles and expecations. We've already set up a date to sit down and do this together.
I think it will be fine to have my daughter here for a little while. I have had a hard life, but that's ok. I believe that it's ok to raise kids in circumstances that aren't perfect, as long as you have a strong, positive, lasting connection with your children, they will learn the best from it. And we have a great relationship. We've been in worse circumstances. She's happy to be here. And so am I.
My mom and uncle have had a bad relationship for years before my grandma needed care. So it's really no change now. Plus, he's not around anyway and doesn't keep in contact. It sucks, but it's normal and nothings going to change.
You're right, I AM treating my mom like a tantruming child. I think that's fine. I'm just trying to figure out what she needs and help her get it. That's the best way to handle my mom I think. It's hard work, but I think it builds character. I've always been very opinionated and now all my opinions are thrown out. It's humbling. I'm ok with it. There are other people I can get my need to be taken seriously fulfilled by.