Visitation

[Findingstrength]

How do you handle it when one kid doesn't want to visit dad? I have two kids. One is fine visiting dad, no qualms. The other is a thinker and very smart. Has ADHD and an iq over 120. Not in the top 1% but still a thinker. This one doesn't like going to dads house every other weekend. Dad isn't a bad guy just sort of not very smart about a lot of things.

[Learning_Mum]

How old are they? My policy has always been to say "This is your time with Daddy. Daddy loves you and misses you and wants to be able to spend time with you too". My kids are 7yo and 4yo however and if they were older teens my advice would probably be different.

[hillymum]

Sadly I have to agree with Learning_Mum, you have to encourage the kids to go to their fathers. Each state has their own age at which a child can decide for themselves whether to visit a parent or not.

[sparklefairy]

I don't get the "sadly" when it comes to a kid visiting/building a relationship with a dad who isn't a bad guy. His dad is his dad, even with an intellectual mismatch. I know I go in and out of compatibility with my kids in cycles -- navigating adversity together is part of what makes us close, imo. Relationships are not just for times when everything is easy-peasy perfection.

If he were abusive or dangerously stupid, I would have a different response.

[hillymum]

Sparklefairy, I say sadly because I have to almost push my children out of the door to go with their father, who honestly couldn't give two figs for his children. I tell them daddy loves you, daddy wants to see you, he misses you, he thinks of you and wants to spend time with you, and it is really all lies. I need to stop saying it I guess.

[sparklefairy]

Originally Posted by hillymum 

Sparklefairy, I say sadly because I have to almost push my children out of the door to go with their father, who honestly couldn't give two figs for his children. I tell them daddy loves you, daddy wants to see you, he misses you, he thinks of you and wants to spend time with you, and it is really all lies. I need to stop saying it I guess.

That makes sense. It is sad if he doesn't give two figs for his children.

And I agree that saying things that you don't believe are true is probably not a good idea.

I wish I had realized the enormity of what bringing children into this world with another person would mean for all of us. I really didn't get that. But then I also thought that becoming a parent would change both of us in predictable ways...

In retrospect, all of those things you say have probably always been  true statements about my ex, though they haven't looked on the outside as I thought they should.

[Findingstrength]

Mine are 7 and 9. One is very smart, a thinker, has ADHD. That one never wants to go and i tell him, he needs to go and dad loves him. But the kid isn't a kid that can be bought. Movies and gifts don't spell love to that kid. The other is thrilled to visit dad.

[Goodmom2008]

Originally Posted by Findingstrength 

Mine are 7 and 9. One is very smart, a thinker, has ADHD. That one never wants to go and i tell him, he needs to go and dad loves him. But the kid isn't a kid that can be bought. Movies and gifts don't spell love to that kid. The other is thrilled to visit dad.

At those ages, the kids don't get to decide whether they go or not.  They go to their Dad's for his parenting time, period.  And it really is parenting time, not visitation.   

My kids are almost 11 & 13 and they still have to go.  Even if it means that I listen to their complaining the entire time I am taking them to their Dad's.  The oldest will probably be allowed to have a say when he is 16.  But not until then.

Fortunately, once they are there, they are happy to see their Dad.  They just would prefer it if he lived in the same town so that they could still hang out with their friends. 

[Avani]

I don't understand what being smart has to do with visitation. It just seems odd that you are discussing your children's IQ as a base point for visits.
 

[thatgirliknew]

My son hates going back to his dad's. He begs me not to make him go. Since it's court-ordered, all I can say is, "Right now, the judge says you have to go to your dad's. I will miss you and see you again really soon." 

It hurts me so bad because his dad is one of those people that only has custody as a way to control my life (he was very abusive to me). We're in court now, so maybe soon I won't have to say it anymore...

[Sunshyn74]

We are having a terrible time with this. We have been separated 2+ years. My oldest DD cried nearly every single night because she didn't want to go to her dad's every other weekend. Sometimes she would cry for hours. I always consoled her, told her he loved her and missed her, etc. It got so bad last summer, that she would have panic attacks before having to go. Ex blames me and says it is all my fault, that I am bad mouthing him, which I have never done. Oldest is smart and understands how he is. It got so bad in August, that I had to physically put her (at 11 years old) into his car for his visit. It was a day visit. We were at a busy soccer field. She had a panic attack. Crying, couldn't breathe. I put her in the car, but I told him I will never do it again. If he is going to force her to go, then he is putting her in the car himself. She hasn't gone with him since. At all. She is in counseling, but even the counselor isn't sure what to do. DD says she will run away if he makes her go with him. Ex is not making her go right now, but he could force her as it is his right.

She is much happier now. No more crying, no stress. Does great in school.

The problem is now my 6 yr old DD has to go on the visits alone. She likes to go, and I am glad of that. I just hate that they are separated.

So we are just handling it the best we can and praying that oldest either outgrows it, or that he continues his current actions and doesn't force the visits.

[justmama]

Originally Posted by hillymum 

Sparklefairy, I say sadly because I have to almost push my children out of the door to go with their father, who honestly couldn't give two figs for his children. I tell them daddy loves you, daddy wants to see you, he misses you, he thinks of you and wants to spend time with you, and it is really all lies. I need to stop saying it I guess.

This is actually the reason I came on here tonight.  I needed answers to this situation.  I have 3 kids and the oldest is starting to hate going there.  None of them are thrilled but i've always said those things to them in the last 5  1/2 years and I KNOW they aren't true.  The kids are starting to see that.  They make negative comments about their times with dad all the time and I feel as though I have to excuse his behavior and soften it a little for them.  But is that really the best policy???  Then I look like a lying jerk when they figure out it's all lies.  I just don't know how to approach it anymore.  My kids are 12, 8, and 5.

[justmama]

It's funny you should categorize your child like that though because my oldest who doesn't want to see dad anymore is also a "thinker" and ADHD and has a total IQ score of 124.  

[floss&ferd]

I see this more as an age thing than an IQ thing.  As they get older, I think kids are increasingly more aware of the dynamics and quality of relationships.  Younger children, or at least mine, are more likely to be bribed/cajoled into going.   The older they get, the more they recognize it for what it is.   My youngest are 9 and 10 and there is still a big difference in their perspective regarding their dad.   He doesn't put their needs first.  He makes false promises, misses events, complains about money, makes underhanded comments about me, etc.   My 10 year old notices all these things.   My 9 year old is still just happy she has a kitten at his house, gets to stay up late and he buys her stuff.   

At their age, visitation isn't a choice and I tell them have to go and all the appropriate comments in an effort to lessen the struggle.

[Findingstrength]

They have now gotten over the initial pain. Now a few months later they are excited to visit dad because they ALWAYS do something fun and exciting. We will see if that continues after we figure out child support at medeation next week.