Queer, Pregnant, and Parenting! November, December, and January 2013!!! - Page 26

[Cananny]

I can only wear vans slip ons I bought a bigger size and they are easy enough to put on with my swollen feet!

Carmen so great to see your bean growing! August is a great month to be born !

Steph ...your LO is so cute! Love the expressions she makes... I hope your supply goes up! I've read it can take 12 weeks for supply to come in...I've done a lot if reading regarding bf lately because ill be attempting to pump and possibly nurse the boys...

Desert... As always ever is the cutest ever ! Love the photo course you gave! Lighting is my biggest issue

Pokey... Good to see u and Dp last night... Cameras Nikon slr are easy to use and not overly exp ... The 3100 or 5100!are easy and user friendly ... I highly suggest the slr with kids!

Max you getting excited? Nervous? Do you have names settled yet?
Love the pics in the baby room!

Sorry if I forget anyone else!

Afm... 27 weeks tomorrow ... The boys are kicking alot more and I love feeling them... Not at 4 am but most other times! They r funny babies I can feel them but every time DP tries they instantly stop... She has yet to feel them... It doesn't help that I truly hate my tummy being touched I tolerate it for a few minutes... But it's very stretched and super sensitive ....
I also have been having a lot of nausea after about 5 pm they dislike food from that point on.... But I'm trying diff things to see if it helps.
Our new local friends who were having triplets ( a lesbian couple) gave birth on jan 2 to two girls and a boy ... The girls were 4 lbs 10 4 lbs 6 and boy was 3lb 11... All doing well and she was able to try and bf the girls yesterday ... They were 33 weeks and look great and are doing well ! We are going to try and see them and see the nicu where our boys will be !

[Cananny]

Sorry double post love the iPhone! Lol

[DesertSunsets]

We use the Nikon 3100 DSLR, but the 3200 has the ability to connect with a smart phone and post photos to facebook, email, text messages. DW wishes we had that, lol.

[starling&diesel]

Planet... I nurse my babies to sleep, and I was so worried about napping and sleeping when I went back to work when my oldest was a year old. My mom was going to look after her for one day a week, and DP would be home with her for the other day, and occasionally my sister.
They all quickly and fairly easily found their own ways of soothing her to sleep. Turns out that when the boobs aren't there, sleep happens anyway! It's shocking, truly.
Now with our second, same thing. Grandma, auntie and DP have had no trouble putting him down.
They all do a variation of lying down with him and patting his back and singing to him. Takes them less than 5-10 minutes.

Originally Posted by planet 

Seraf, what if a non nursing person is taking care of them, what do they do? I'm trying to support my mom, who will be babysitting Wylie one day a week staying in February. There's no way she can hold and bounce him for 20+ mins to help him fall asleep. I have the magical power of nursing, but none of his other caregivers do.

[maxK]

Birthmother just texted me and she is 2cm dilated. She is having false contractions now so the baby may come early! If you all don't hear from all of a sudden you will know why! We are nervous and excited. Thankfully some friends came over and helped clear out the baby room today.:twothumbs

[wishin'&hopin']

Desert--I forgot to thank you for your amazing tutorial!!!  Awesome!

Max-baited breath and best wishes to your kiddo to be, his/her birth family and you and DP!!!

[DesertSunsets]

Max, I hope everything goes smoothly, if the birthmom is indeed in labor. Yay for you guys!

[seraf]

Max, I think I was 2 cm for weeks before I gave birth, I hope that baby doesn't keep y'all in suspense for so long!

Planet, Starling said it best, sleep happens. Rocking, patting, singing. My boys will also fall asleep in the sling, with a bottle, in the stroller or car. For a long time "Baby Beluga" was THE sleepy time song. I don't know that our non-existent babysitters would all know that song, either.

Wishin, speaking of babies trying to dive out of the sling, Shay pulled that today. And I made him wait while someone took a picture.

[outdoorsy]

Pokey - Sorry, not much camera advice here. We are still using an older model Canon PowerShot A40 that was our first-ever digital camera. But we are considering getting a new camera for baby photos. I personally endorse the idea of not dealing with the cost or complexity of an SLR unless you're a real photography buff. My sister has something like an Elf or one of the tiny things and likes it a lot, partly because it's so easy to take with you.

AFM - thanks to everyone who replied to my plea for advice. I realize after reading the responses that I'm more concerned (perhaps selfishly) about wifey not clearing out her bureaus than I am about having a nursery done before the baby is born. I talked to her about it Friday. She initially said she thought we'd have two bureaus in the baby's room with one for me and one for the baby. But when I told her I thought it was outrageous for me to be in the house over a decade and not have any drawer space in our room, she agreed she should make space for me (while also insisting she wasn't getting rid of anything, just moving it somewhere else in the house). It's a start.

[carmen358]

Did someone ask for camera advice? I used to collect cameras but more the film ones. I have a Nikon D80 SLR which is awesome - it was about 800.00 I think (with lens)? Maybe a bit less? I can't remember. The newer models have video too - mine was the last not to have it. I also just bought a Nikon Coolpix P310 pocket type camera a couple of months ago. It has fully manual controls if you want and other than having a less than ideal zoom I'm really happy with it. It was under 400.00 I think. I also bought a Flip video camera before DD was born and it's super fun and was super cheap!

I messaged the doula we had for DD's birth and she said she'd love to work with us again - hooray! She was actually the back up doula but she was there for the entire time and was amazing.

[planet]

Max, so exciting!  Keep us posted if/when you can!!

Carmen, that's great about the doula!

Cananny, you are getting close!  So exciting about the movement.  I'm sure your honey will get to feel them move soon! 

Outdoorsy, I'm glad you and DP had the talk.  As you said, it's a start! 

About the shoes, at the end of my pregnancy I was SO swollen; the only shoes I could wear was a pair of Crocs 2 sizes bigger than what I usually wear!  I even wore them to work, which I hated, but I really had no other option.  Fashion no-nos are definitely NOT overlooked at an all-girls middle school!!! Being pregnant made it excusable though. ;)

Thanks for the thoughts on napping without nursing...I appreciate it.  Wylie is kind of an unpredictable guy; sometimes (usually) I can nurse him down for a nap or bedtime, but sometimes he just gets all wiggly (he is a REALLY wiggly one!) and needs to burp and still needs to be rocked/danced to sleep.  So there are various ways he can go to sleep.  Nursing is my favorite, cuz I can relax and not get all tired out dancing him about. 

But I am realizing, from reading your responses, how anxious I am about leaving him with my mom.  She is loving and supportive, and (I feel like I can be honest here) REALLY hard to deal with ever since having a baby.  She wants to help so much, but when she comes over to "help," I end up feeling like I'm taking care of two people instead of getting any help! Sadly, friends have been WAY more helpful than she has been since the very beginning, which is super disappointing.  When we tell her how things are going, what we are doing, how Wylie reacts to different experiences (ie. stroller, rocking chair, bed, etc.) she ALWAYS contradicts what we tell her.  For example, when we were struggling (for the first 12 weeks!) to get Wylie to sleep laying next to us, as opposed to on top of us, she would say things like, "Well, you just need to lay him down."  Obviously, we had tried that, and unless we wanted to listen to him cry for hours (um, NO thank you) it was pretty certain that that method was not going to work.  We know Wylie much better than she does, so it is frustrating.  Now, she has graciously offered to babysit one day a week starting late Feb. when DP goes back to work (thank goodness he is on leave until then so I don't have to worry right away).  We are taking her up on the offer but are getting more and more nervous about how it will go.  She seems unable to do most of the things that we do to soothe Wylie and put him to sleep (she won't use the Moby or Ergo, can't bounce on the yoga ball, gets tired after holding him after a couple minutes, etc.).  I know she raised me and my brother and we turned out more or less okay (right?!); I'm just SO worried that my Wylie will just end up crying all day long.  He is a sensitive guy; he does not fuss that much with us because we know what he needs to stay happy and calm.  If she won't do the things that he needs to calm down, what's going to happen?  Will he just get used to her and her special grandma ways?  Or is this going to be a total disaster? 

Oh yeah, and I'm going back to work on Monday, for the first time in just about four months.  YIKES!  I think I've been in denial about this fact until today; it is all dawning on me now.  Thank you for listening.

[CascadiaMama]

Hmm, planet, that sounds like a tough one. Are you close enough to your mom that you can have a heart to heart in the next few weeks? I think it would be important to convey what a wonderful mom she is/was, and she's a wonderful grandma, but that you're also a mom now - and have certain ways of doing things that she'll need to respect if this is going to work out (and you want it to work out, because you think it's really important for Wylie to have grandma time, and because her offer is so wonderful!). I bet you could get her to try the Ergo, because he'll be six months by then and probably a bit heavy. Do you guys have a stroller? That's another nice option for movement for naps, and maybe one she's more comfortable with. Maybe you can lay down 'the law' that you don't leave him to cry - if he fusses and cries while she's with him and trying to soothe him, that's one thing, but you want to make sure she has enough options and tools to soothe him that are doable for her, physically.

Alex was pretty similar at needing movement for naps at four months (unless I nursed him to sleep). I was really anxious about him starting daycare - though I knew they'd love on him, they also had other babies to look after, and wouldn't have the capacity to bounce him to sleep. I was fine with them trying to lay him on his mat and to be with him and pat his back until he fell asleep, if that would work - but I was so sure it wouldn't work (it didn't work for us!). But on the first day, he was asleep within ten minutes - no crying, just some wiggling and squirming and grunting while his teacher shushed and hummed and figured out how he liked to be patted. The second day, it was five minutes. After a few days of this, we were able to (well, Sonia was able to) adopt school's nap methods at home. Sometimes it's great to have a new person give it a try - babies tend to respond differently, and you may end up finding out that your mom has a few tricks up her sleeve.

Can you do a test run with mom, leaving Wylie with her for a few hours while you and DP have an afternoon date?

MAX!!! SO EXCITED FOR YOU!! C'mon little baby...

[MidwifeStephPDX]

Planet, that sounds so hard! My mom is always a struggle but worse since L was born. She makes this voice for her and then says really negative things about us, as if the baby is saying them. "Leave me alone, you're bothering me!" Or "I'm hungry, why won't you feed me?" It drives me absolutely nuts and I confronted her about it on her last trip. She really had no response. At one point when she was saying things like your mom does about putting her down I said "you got to raise your baby your way; I'm going to do this my way." That seemed to penetrate. That being said, I wouldn't ever let her watch the baby alone. I think it's so important to trust yourself and listen to your mama-instinct on this one-- it you feel it's the right thing to do to leave him with her, then it will be ok! I second the test-run idea. Or, whet I've been doing to get ready to leave L for a few hours a week is to have my wife take care of her while I'm in my studio sewing or crafting. That way I'm in another room and they can do their thing but I'm still available if she really needs me. Could you try that with your mom?

Carmen, so great about your doula! How wonderful to have that continuity

Max, exciting!!

Cananny, so exciting about your boys! You're doing such a good job keeping them in Lucie didn't move much at night when she was in the belly, and she's a great sleeper!! Hope it bodes well for you too

Got sleepy as I was typing... More tomorrow

[lisedea]

Hooray Max! Update us when you can!

[seraf]

Planet, I have a few thoughts on that. I don't know if any of them are helpful!

1. Our moms are moms. They have the experience of what worked for them. They have a hard time watching their children struggle and they're used to being in a place to offer their advice. Both Sara's and my mom have offered advice that was common when we were young but doesn't jive with our lives/experiences/preferences. We are not always graceful with expressing that we are thankful for their attention and concern but we are going with different practices than they chose. I think I told my mom, "You had your chance to screw us up, now it's my turn." There will come a time when I will have to accept that I raised my kids as well as I could and they will make sound choices with the info they have, but I may not actually like the choices they make.

2. Kids are more comfortable expressing their displeasure to people they're more attached to. He may be totally comfortable yelling at you when he's tired but he may just yawn and go to sleep for someone he is less attached to. I experienced this a lot as a nanny. It was really hard for one mom when her babies stopped crying when I walked in. Not because I'm more fun, but because they weren't so comfortable expressing their frustrations to me.

3. Attitudes about babies evolve all the time. Here's a funny article about parenting infants through history.

[prettyisa]

Cananny--I hated DP touching my stomach near the end, too! I hope she gets to feel them, though!

Max! Fingers crossed for a quick and easy birth and you all on here in a couple days showing off your new sweetie!

Shoes--I bought a pair of fleecy clogs, against my better judgement, and that was all I wore for the second half of pregnancy. I kind of want to buy another pair to replace them...

Camera--we got a dslr (Nikon 3100, with the kit lens). I LOVE it, and all I can do is use the auto setting. It takes such better pictures than our little point and shoots (which we still use sometimes since they're much smaller). My theory was that the auto setting takes pretty good pictures, and as I get time and inclination I can learn how to use it more and take better ones. Or not. But the quality difference is really impressive.

Seraf--Baby Beluga is pretty much the only song (other than you are my sunshine and itsy bitsy spider) that I actually remembered from childhood. It was always my sister's favorite.

Outdoorsy--glad she is moving in the right direction! If you really want the stuff out of the house you could try marking the date on it and going back in 6 months (or whenever) to see if you've actually missed anything in there. But if you have the storage space, I would almost just let her leave stuff in boxes as long as you get the usable space where you actually live.

Carmen--great news on the doula! We were so attached to our midwife, but she was a student, so isn't going to be around any more. I get a little sad whenever I think about subsequent births without her.

Planet--I second the heart to heart idea--my mom was driving me nuts (and also doing that annoying whisper-displeasure-as-though-you-and-the-baby-are-alone-together kind of thing that Steph mentions. Ugh), but I generally love her and trust her with the baby, and wanted her to have bonding time. So I just straight up told her what was upsetting me and what I needed. She's still not perfect, and I'm sure your mom will work out her own ways with Wylie, but it might help you feel better about things.

Meanwhile, DP and I have been feeling a little trapped by the baby. She's amazing--sweet and calm and happy--but we also have to be more or less hanging out with her all the time. When do babies get big enough that they can amuse themselves without needing in-room supervision? Two? Three? Fourteen? We manage to get stuff done, but both of us feel like we never get any time to focus on things. It's such a minor complaint for all of the awesomeness that she adds to our lives, but having some kind of idea when she might be happy in a playroom (right off the kitchen, door open) so we can cook, would be amazing. That said, she has started having little rap-move dance parties with her short little arms that are the height of adorable.

[seraf]

Isa, Soren and Shay are happy to play in the living room with the kids for 20-30 minutes, but the kids at still their people. When the kids aren't home, the babes want us more. We have a little toy area in the kitchen and the boys also love to play in the sink while I get stuff done in the kitchen. When she really gets her crawl on, she will be happier in other rooms but that's when they seem to really start needing supervision.

[planet]

Cascadia, yes, a heart to heart is definitely in order!  She is a tough one to have a heart-to-heart with, but I plan to try.  The plan right now is that my sweet, amazing DP is going to "train" her to babysit for Wylie.  She is coming over on Wednesday while I am at work; he is going to walk her through his various routines.  He offered to take this on after seeing how anxious and irritated I felt after her visits.  The annoying things she says are much less triggering for him.  So we are going to assess, after his first day with her, if this is something that might work.  I think the plan is that, after going through everything with her, he is going to go into the basement and work on bikes, so he'll be right nearby and can listen in periodically to see how things are going.  He will definitely make sure that she knows not to just let him cry.  I don't think she would do that anyways.  I hope she will figure out ways to soothe him that work for her.  It is so stressful for me to imagine him so upset without being calmed relatively quickly!  It must have been hard to put little Alex in daycare when he was four months old.  I love your story about nap time; what a trooper!  He really is an easygoing guy, isn't he?

We do have a stroller; he clearly prefers the Ergo but we have been trying to practice more.  The last time we gave him a chance to try it out, he actually fell asleep in it!  So there is a lot of hope there.  We don't try it that often because it is the Snap N Go, and our car is usually parked far from our apartment (we live on Capitol Hill), and so we have to bring the stroller to the car and get the car seat to snap in.  What a pain.  But my mom is buying a nice simple stroller that we can just keep at home; I think that will make things much easier.

Steph, wow.  Those comments that your mom makes sound really annoying.  I'm so sorry.  And I'm glad, in a way, that I am not the only one in this sort of situation.  I find it really disappointing that I haven't been able to let my own mother help out more.  People often comment to me how lucky I am to live in the same town as my parents so they can help, and it makes me want to cry a little bit!  How are things going with the babe and the milk supply?  My good friend was just telling me yesterday that she had low milk supply at first, and at around 12 weeks it got a lot better!  How are you feeling?

Seraf, thank you for the perspective.  I didn't know that about babies being more fussy with people they are attached to.  That certainly makes me feel better!  We've left him with babysitters (close friends) a few times, and he's been pretty fussy each time.  But one friend was able to get him to sleep easily by rocking him in the Rock n Play.  So there ya go.  There is hope.  And it's funny, I had just been trying to remember the words to "Baby Beluga" right before I read your post.  I did say something to my mom similar to what you said, and it seemed to help at first, but it didn't last.  The thing is, when people like to talk more than they like to listen...things can be hard. ;)

Max, what's up??????

Isa, thank you for the encouragement.  I want her to have a sweet grandma relationship too..  I am really hoping this will work out!  And we don't have $ to pay someone else so that makes me hope even harder!!!  I guess our issue with my mom is not so unique after all. And about feeling a little trapped by the baby, we are right there with you!  We couldn't be happier to have him in our lives, of course.  Every day we are thankful to have him.  And I would be lying if I didn't admit that I miss many of the things I used to take for granted - watching a movie, drawing, washing the dishes, getting dressed, drinking a coffee while reading a magazine...Life sure is different with a babe!!!  I wouldn't trade it for anything, but DANG! It sure is a lot of work. :)

In other news, we've been having good luck with morning naptime these past few days.  We are soothing/bouncing him in our arms until his body relaxes, then laying him down in the Rock N Play while he is still awake but drowsy, and rocking him and patting him until he falls asleep.  It actually works!!! Amazing.  Gives me hope on the situation with my mom and also for my own aching arms and upper back.  He is currently sleeping in it; that's while I am actually able to respond to everyone thoughtfully.  Yay!

[starling&diesel]

Planet:  I had a come-to-Jesus talk with my mom before I left her alone with my children.  It went something like this.

"Mom, we are so thankful that you're willing to help us out,and I'm so excited that you and Wylie are going to have you're own special relationship.  I'm totally freaking out about it though, which is partly new mom nerves about not wanting to leave my baby, and partly because we want to know that anyone looking after Wylie is on the same page as us when it come to a couple of things.  We don't want our babies to cry it out, or be left to have to sooth themselves if they're inconsolable, so I just want to know that you'll call one of us if he's been crying for more than ____ minutes, or if you can't settle him for whatever reason." 

You could present the stroller as a good option.  Are you in a walkable neighbourhood?  Is there a mall nearby?  Coffee shop?  I told me mom to not hesitate to put the baby into the stroller and head out for a walk.  Babies usually settle with movement, and it's a great way for grandparents to help out without having to hold or carry the baby the whole time.  

Good luck! 

ps.  For us it was 10-15 minutes.  If the baby cried for more than 15 minutes and she couldn't console them with her strategies, then it meant that something more was going on (pain, fever, etc) or that whatever she was doing was just not working.  

[craftyvulpine]

Name/Username? craftyvulpine

Who is in your family? me, SO, and belly

What pronouns do you and your family members use? he and she

If you're pregnant, when are you due? August 21

If you already have kids, tell us two interesting things about each of them. no kiddies yet

If you work outside the home (or inside the home at something other than parenting), what do you do? I can't legally work in the country in which I live, so I am volunteering. Up until six weeks ago I was a student. I graduated the same week I found out that I was pregnant. 

If you stay home with your kids, what do your days tend to look like? Hm. Trying to figure this one out right now. It's the first week that I'm at home with no work. Clean, cook, laundry? I am also trying to write articles and find funding for volunteer projects and groups. 

What are your favorite things to do when you're not working/doing the grunt work of parenting? Hiking, walks around the city, reading. Knitting, spinning wool and making crafts or DIY projects. I love hanging out with my friends too.