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Queer, Pregnant, and Parenting! November, December, and January 2013!!! - Page 35

post #681 of 912

Darcy - it sounds like you are doing everything right. I know it is really frustrating to have such a wide range of dates you are surging. We have also BTDT when it comes to going in for a scan and being disappointed by size/number of follicles. Maybe you could push your first ultrasound to a later date IF you end up needing another cycle? Hopefully it will be a moot point!

post #682 of 912

Darcy -- Our clinic also believes that lube is detrimental to the sperm if its in the vagina around the same time, so they do their ultrasounds around insem time with lube inside the wand condom, but nothing on the outside. It was pretty uncomfortable when I didn't have enough CM, but around O time, it really is not a problem. Also, you could offer to bring in some sperm-friendly lube for that ultrasound - Preseed is fertility-friendly and they sell it at Target. 

post #683 of 912
Originally Posted by DarcySD View Post

seraf - Thanks! Wouldn't the sperm die off (frozen) if I inseminated 24 hours before ovulation? I've heard it's best to insem 6 hours on either side of ovulation. I asked about doing an ultrasound the day of an insem but they told me the lubricant on the wand would kill the sperm. Thanks again for your input. 

Maybe you could bring some pre-seed to the u/s??

post #684 of 912
Bigfoot, I hope you share the picture.

Darcy, did I do bad math? I will blame hormones if so. 18 hours? And the crosshairs on FF friend don't mean you ovulated the minute you took your temperature, shoot, I'll have to look at your chart. If you're doing IUI, the lube will not interact with the sperm, since they're shot into your uterus and the lube isn't. I may be over thinking or under thinking something. I totally agree with Bigfoot. Some months you do everything right and just don't get pregnant. I felt like our timing was great for most of the months we tried with Shay. Perhaps he just wanted to be a Scorpio.
post #685 of 912

bigfoot - Yes, we pushed our first ultrasound to a later date last month and I surged 4 days earlier than normal -  the day I was supposed to go in for the first ultrasound! My cycles have been crazy the last two months so the timing is pretty hard. 


mrs&mrs - I will talk to them about that option tomorrow morning and check out the sperm friendly lube. If they could do an ultrasound tomorrow what would that tell them about timing of insem of that day vs the next morning? 


Carmen - That's a good idea! Thank you!


A crazy little thought just popped in my head that I could go with the insem tomorrow and do an additional insem the following day at the clinic where we buy our sperm from. The sperm bank is a two hour drive but that might save my sanity this month to know I tried both days. 


ETA - Seraf it is me with the crazy math. The Brill book states that 90% of women ovulate between 4-7pm (July-Feb). If I got crosshairs on a certain date because my temp went up the following day then wouldn't that mean that I probably ovulated that afternoon?

post #686 of 912

darcy - i'm a terrible person to mention that idea to. i am totally a a double-inseminator enabler b/c i got pregnant on the one cycle we did 2 inseminations. maybe we would have gotten pregnant on one, but we will never know. it kind of depends on how much you're willing to spend to "cover the spread" so to speak....

post #687 of 912
Darcy, if they do an ultrasound and you have a nice fat egg, can you trigger? Then you know 24 hours or 36 is perfect. Trigger shot was cheaper than a vial of sperm for us. Lol, you just said no trigger this month. Never mind. I always said, "Ok, next month I will try -________." So I felt like I had a plan to help deal with my anxiety.

In other words, Yes, I would wait a little longer than last month.
post #688 of 912
Darcy - do you have, or could you get ASAP, a speculum? Sounds like cervix observation could give you really useful info for future cycles (which I hope you won't need!). Amazon sells them; it's possible you could get one from your RE. You might want to go nuts and check your cervix every few hours (or before work, after work, before bed) in the runup to O to get a more precise sense of how long post-OPK you ovulate. In my experience, the cervix closes up pretty quickly after O, which helps you figure out your body's general timing more precisely than by temp alone.

FWIW, our little guy was IUI conceived, at about 32 hours post-positive OPK (we were aiming for 28--the afternoon after positive OPK--but had a comedy of errors that day, and had to track down DIY supplies I had sworn we already had on hand; we ended up insemming in the evening, about 7/8 pm, when we finally got our act together).

Max, any news? I hope your quiet means you're meeting your new little lady!!
post #689 of 912
I just have to share/vent here... I am so incredibly LIVID with DSp right now that I can't sleep and it is all I can think of. Earlier this evening, we were discussing a video that we saw with DD pregnancy. It was of Brazilian women giving birth squatting. Watching that video, I FREAKED out, having realized for the first time that my vagina was going to be birthing a baby..... Well, it has been a joke between us since then. DSp mentioned the video tonight and asked if I was going to get freaked out again. I told him that I wasn't and I needed to watch it again since that is how I would like to give birth. I guess DSp had a totally different idea than I did and basically flipped out on me! I guess he thought we would labor around the room in various positions and then when it came time to push, I would hop up on the bed, lay on my back and spread em? Not sure. Well our conversation was cut short by DD and when I got back to him after putting her to bed, I read a relatively mainstream article on why delivering on the back is not ideal. I was hoping that the mainstreamness of it would reassure him that this was okay. Well, it certainly did not and he proceeded to come up all kinds of crap why I would not be delivering in any position other than lying down... Like, what if the cord is wrapped around the baby's neck, is the midwife going lie under you like a car and see? That happened to my brother, he was blue and almost died. Or what if your pelvis breaks, are you going to be to be squatting and not drop on top of the baby? My shoulders broke my mother's pelvic bone when I was born... Or what if you need an episiotomy, they going to lie under you like a car? I was born in a third world country and my mother was lying down. It wasn't even a hospital, it was a clinic.

Well, first off, I will not be having an episiotomy. It's my shit and no one will be cutting me... Second off, you mother is tiny as a stick to begin with and lying down will reduce the opening by 30%, so maybe that is why it was broken? Third, let's ask the midwife before we commit to any delivery positions... I only said the last one in our argument though.

He also said some other stuff about him being supportive about this and that, but there is a point where he gets a say too. I wanted to say that I was delivering the baby, and it was my body... But it is also his child too and if there is a safety concern then he does have a say. I wasn't prepared with anything that said there wasn't really any safety concern, so I didn't say anything to that. This past week he has been commenting on how much I was turning into a "hippie" or how he didn't realize that he married a hippie... And tonight he went into how I couldn't just have something "normal"? Which is what mostly infuriated me. So, I am supposed to go along with something just because it might look weird to other people????????? He asked why I wanted to give birth all "tribal"... mentioned how "weird" cloth diapering was... It was just a whole long argument with one ridiculous comment after the other. WTF.

Sorry for the insanely long post, I just to get that out somewhere. I imagine most of it wasn't read by most of you all, which is understandable. Thanks for the ?screen space? -the online equivalent to a listening ear???
post #690 of 912
esenbee- If my DP said things like that to me we would be in a very big fight. While TTC I know we had some fights until he realized that the process was very different for me as the person going through it and taking all the hormones, etc. It took us some time before we got into a groove of, this is your thing, and this is my thing and we have our feelings and differences about certain things. For example DP insists and naming the baby middle names with people from his family. My thing is that I get to rule all things having to do with my body. I believe this should be respected but every couple figures it out on their own. I wish you luck.

AFM- Still no word of labor. On Monday she was 4 cm dilated. I've been pumping and producing about 2ml a day now. redface.gif
post #691 of 912
Esenbee, hugs. It sounds to me like you're both feeling surprised by the ideas of the other and some really hurtful things were said.

I think many families have different ideas about how their children will enter the world. Many home birth partners are less than willing when they first learn about the idea.

Maybe your DSp needs to meet some real hippies? Some give-birth-alone- in-the-woods - and -cut-the-cord-with-my-teeth mamas. Who needs cloth diapers, lets potty train at birth! He will come away thinking how perfectly sane and normal you are.

Any safety stuff should just be addressed to your midwife/doctor. The nurse at the hospital showed us how to use the squatting stool on the tour. Squatting isn't really fringe, it's just not what you see on TV.

I totally agree with Max. Whoever has to poop out the human gets to be in a comfortable position. For me that was squatting (with Shay I was squatting on the dashboar horizontally, so I'll still claim it). For Sara, that was on her back with an epidural.

I hope y'all can kiss and make up quickly.

Max, yay for more milk!
post #692 of 912
Originally Posted by seraf View Post

Maybe your DSp needs to meet some real hippies? Some give-birth-alone- in-the-woods - and -cut-the-cord-with-my-teeth mamas. Who needs cloth diapers, lets potty train at birth! He will come away thinking how perfectly sane and normal you are.

yeahthat.gif Yes to this!

I totally understand your frustration...if D said those things to me, I would probably punch her. Especially being extra sensitive while pregnant! Obviously the two of you are going to have to meet in the middle about some of these things--or at least negotiate the things that you are feel are most important to you. You have a while though so I wouldn't stress too much...just be aware that you will definitely need to start really talking about it.

We have been going rounds lately about toy guns in the house. I am so against it and she doesn't see what the big deal is. Sigh. Maybe by the time the babies are five we will have it worked out...
post #693 of 912
Speaking of real hippies, I have friends who did not use a diaper with their baby. The idea is "we are the only mammals who teach our young to defecate on themselves." I think they just put the little one on a little potty every now and then and they went in it. The little one ran around naked most of the time anyway. The baby is a year old now and they are just starting to use diapers when she goes to grandma's house. The entire tribe breastfed the baby, about four people, although I think it was only mama who produced milk. Just in case you need to give DSp a little perspective.treehugger.gif
post #694 of 912
Lise, we have nerf guns and squirt guns. It took us years to end up at that point. They don't look like real guns and my kids build catapults, projectiles are fun but violence is not tolerated. Wrestling has to be consensual. I grew up in a house of guns (hunting and my step dad was a sniper), I don't think of them as toys at all.
post #695 of 912

Esenbee ... When you are both fed, rested and feeling calm and you know that your DP is in an approachable mood, you can start the Very Important Conversation that you must have with him.

Your side goes something like this:

"That conversation the other day gave me oogy feelings.  How about you? [insert DPs take on things here].

Hon, I know that you want me and the baby to be safe.  Of course you do!  Of course that's what we both want.  I've been researching and investigating and talking to people who have been there done that and I'm so excited about everything that I'm learning and I want to share all this awesome information with you, so that we can make a wicked great birth plan.  I'm the one who is delivering this baby, using my body, and my muscles, and my mind, so I need to be 100% on board with all of our choices.  You totally get a say, but imagine if the table was turned.  You'd need to feel secure in your decisions, right?  And so do I.  Hippie or not, some things make sense when it comes down to the research AND my gut instinct."

And then you can invite him to do all the research he wants, and present it to you so that you can go over it together.  Tell him that you will do the same.  With every. single. thing. you. come across.  This is what I did.  I inundated DP with the research, and at some point she was so exhausted by my passion and all the information that I was throwing at her, that she threw up her hands and let me take the lead on the whole birthing process. 

She never wanted us to have a homebirth, but by the time it came around, she was on board in a supportive role.  She was quietly elated when we ended up in the hospital.  Same with the second one.  She was on board, but relieved when we transferred.  Had we had a homebirth and something had gone terribly wrong, I know that she would've had a very hard time with my choices, so thank heavens both babies came safely. 

Best of luck!

post #696 of 912
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by DarcySD View Post

seraf - Thanks! Wouldn't the sperm die off (frozen) if I inseminated 24 hours before ovulation? I've heard it's best to insem 6 hours on either side of ovulation. I asked about doing an ultrasound the day of an insem but they told me the lubricant on the wand would kill the sperm. Thanks again for your input. 

That's BS. I've had ultrasounds the same day as insems. They should be using sperm-safe lube! (You could offer to bring your own?) :)


eta: Sorry- just read everyone else's very good suggestions on this topic!

post #697 of 912
Thread Starter 

esenbee - I'm really sorry you guys had such a blowout. My DP and I are both very stubborn, and can occasionally lock horns in very big ways. One thing that sounds kind of cheesy but *really* helped us was a communication method we learned in couples counseling. It's from the Harville Hendrix book "Keeping the Love You Find". If you can get past the embarrassment of buying a book from the self-help section of the bookstore (along with the very annoying heteronormativity), there's some useful stuff in there, including the script for the Couples Dialogue. Might be worth checking out.


Bigfoot and mrs - I love your little owl twins! And yes, I want to be the twin mentor! (Though I'm hardly an expert since mine are still inside. But at least I'll have a six month lead on you guys!)

post #698 of 912

tigers - that's our hope. you go 6 months before us, so it will all be fresh in your mind. 

post #699 of 912
Knitting—I hope you have good luck with the school lottery! One day we’ll have to deal with a similar lottery system, too, and I am not looking forward to it. I will say that I went to Montessori kindergarten and then regular public schools, and all of the Montessori kids started and stayed way ahead of the pack. She’s probably already gotten tons of benefits from that style of learning!

Mrs and Bigfoot—Owl! What a sweet picture of your two little beans! Also, please post cake pictures when you get them. I hope he thinks it’s funny (since it IS).

Esenbee—Oh, I’m sorry. That’s a really tough argument to have with your partner. But it’s good you are having it now—we had ours in labor. Our problem was that although I had always said I wanted no epidural before I was in labor, when we got to the point that I had rationally weighed my options and decided that I did want one in the moment we had to step way back and work through DP’s resistance to (and fear of) me getting one. We did it, but it added a couple hours of unpleasantness to the birth that we both could have done without. For what it’s worth, I’d recommend keeping all birthing positions on the table until you get there and see what feels good—even with the epidural I was able to try squatting, kneeling, and some other positions and was completely surprised to find that the stupid textbook flat-on-my-back position was actually the one that felt best for me. But if I hadn’t been encouraged to try out the other options I would have been terrified of being forced to use it against my will. I think that if you can get to the point where you have a plan but are both willing to be flexible and open to what is happening in the moment it will serve you well. And, like everyone else says—in the end, you get to make the decision. Your DSp can say what he likes and prefers, but until it’s his body doing the work, your desires and needs are automatically going to take precedence. And you will weigh the fears about safety when they come up—until you have a reason to worry (and I sincerely hope you never do) there is no reason to plan your birth around those kinds of concerns.

Lise—we’ll probably end up with some approximation of Seraf’s rules—that’s how I grew up. Things that shoot can be fun, but not if they are designed to look like weapons. And you NEVER point something shaped like a gun at anyone. Ever. That said, we had pop guns and super soakers and all kinds of things—it never felt like we were being denied anything, but we were both girls. I don’t know if boys would have pushed harder for gun-toys.

Seraf—so weird that he doesn’t react when Sara has dairy. I wonder how that works. Hoping for you all that it’s something he grows out of though—I know people are happy and healthy without wheat and dairy, but they are two of my favorite things in the whole world, and I hope that Soren gets to enjoy them too, one day!
post #700 of 912

esenbee-I'm sorry you are fighting about this.  How a woman births is very, very important!  I think DSp may just need a little educating and calming down on jumping to the worst case scenario.  It's perfectly natural to be worried about your spouse's safety and the baby's safety, but I'm sure the midwife wouldn't allow you to do anything that's unsafe.  Will you be able to take a tour of where you will be delivering?  I think seeing the setup and asking questions will help.  The beds they have for labor & delivery go into all sorts of positions so you can be on all fours or squatting and the midwife will be able to see and access everything without a problem.  The beds come with a squatting bar that you attach so you can be up on the bed and squatting and still at eye level of the midwife.  A lot of "hippie" things are becoming more common in hospitals.  Plus, episiotomies are much less common than they used to be.  Breaking your pelvis sounds extremely rare! 


How did you give birth the first time?  I have been studying and interested in birth for a long time, and I'm a newish doula.  I was afraid DW would think I was a weird hippie when I told her my ideas about birth.  We watched The Business of Being Born together, and I was surprised when she totally got it.  After that she didn't think my ideas were weird.  We don't agree on everything, but watching that helped get us on the same page.

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