Help with Poo misses

[smileyjb]

Hi, we've been practicing EC since my son was 3 months old. He wore a cloth diaper but used either a baby potty or sat on the toilet with a seat minimizer most of the time. We have regular misses, but in the past they were usually just a pee. Lately we seem to be having a lot of misses. I'm used to having more misses when he is teething or coming up to a major milestone. But this seems different because it has been going on for quite awhile now.
I'll take him to the potty and he won't go, he'll sign that he is all done and whine to get off the potty. Then just a couple minutes later he will pee or poo in his underwear. We rarely catch a poop these days I'm getting frustrated and feel like we need to go back to diapers. Except that I found diapers to be a pain taking off and on all the time. I find myself telling him Uh oh you pooped or peed and telling him he has to do it on the potty. Another part that I find hard is that he used to sign potty when he had to go, but since about a year old he stopped and doesn't do anything to let us know. Does anyone have any suggestions? HELP! Lol Thanks Mommas

[seraf]

How old is he now?

I'm no use, our guy has been in the same boat lately (1 today). He is my third, so I'm just planning to keep offering and talking about it, I know we'll come out fine on the other side.

[smileyjb]

Oops sorry forgot that! He is 17 months.

[smileyjb]

And sorry for the multiple posts! I just seen them all now! I kept getting a notice saying to try agilent later, but I guess it was working. Oops

[pokeyAC]

smileyjb - New member's posts are sometimes held until a moderator can validate them.  Please do not try to post the same thing more than once.  After a few days and a few posts, your posts will show right away.  Thank you.

Welcome to Mothering!

[flyrabbitfly]

Any chance he is constipated? We had some of these issues when DS became constipated. Unfortunately, just about everything he likes to eat is on the "constipating" list of food: cheese, bananas, pasta, yogurt, apples- all toddler favorites! We switched to whole grain pasta and brown rice, made sure bananas were really ripe before eating, snuck some extra probiotics into yogurt, TRY to limit cheese, give him a little bit of juice now and then, make dairy free smoothies, etc, and he is back on a pretty regular poop routine and no more poop coming out in odd places. When small children have a hard, painful poop, they can get a lot of fear about pooping, and about the potty where it took it place. Maybe this isn't your DS's issue at all, but just something to look at.

ON the other hand, at that age it became all about independence for our DS- it could NOT be my idea to use the potty. I could sneak in a suggestion that his bear or truck or whatever might need to pee or poo, and could he help them out?, but he would absolutely rebel to any offering of mine. Very tough to back off and let him take the reigns when it is poop you're talking about! But that is what we had to do, and it was actually the cusp of graduation. If it becomes an autonomy struggle between you it can turn into a long boycott. Try try try to remain relaxed, never to seem angry, just to talk about hey you put your poop in your undies. Where does poop go? In the potty! Try to back off and let him come back to it himself. He may have just realized that his pee and poo is something only HE can control. And he's right. If you don't try to control it for him, he will probably want to start putting it where everyone else does before very long.

[skycheattraffic]

We went through a high miss/resistant phase about 15 to17 months or so. I still had/have her in diapers since we have sooooo much light carpeting everywhere but I just kept saying "you peed/pooped in the diaper. Pee and poo go in the potty. Next time tell mommy and we will get your pee and poo in the potty. She's 19 months old now and in the last week started saying "bum" when she needs to potty or after she goes in her diaper. It's tough to take it easy and step back but as pp said, it's the way they put it all together. We are on the cusp of training; I just know it. Once she tells me "bum" more than once or twice a day I will get the carpet cleaner out, ditch the diaps and take the plunge. Your LO is working through the autonomy phase and while frustrating, I think he needs it. Don't worry, he hasn't forgotten and as long as you're there to support and communicate, he will come out of it with more awareness. As for diapers, I don't know what you use but a compromise might work.... I've done a flat folded into underwear while DD went through her "standing only" for diaper changes phase and it soaked up a good chunk of pee. It meant her clothes got wet but she didn't make a puddle. if you don't have flats, you can just use a receiving blanket. Good luck!

[smileyjb]

Thanks for the encouragement! He isn't constipated, and it doesn't even seem to be a certain firmness of stool that he misses with. At one point today I knew he had to pee, but he was refusing to go on the toilet or his little potty, so I held him in the tub and he peed right quick. Maybe I just need to shake it up a little if he isn't feeling the potty.
I was over at my mil's tonight and talking to her about it and she said well maybe you need to start rewarding him when he goes. I'm really not a fan of that, but she did give him a small cake decorating candy when he peed. But it just feels so wrong to me to do that with him. So I think we'll just try holding him if he doesn't feel like going on the potty, and try not to get frustrated! Thanks again everyone

[flyrabbitfly]

I agree with disagreeing on rewarding something that is just part of what we all do.

As far as when he refuses- definitely try other places- tub, sink, outside, yogurt jar while he stands, get a baby urinal for pees (my son loved his from about 18 mo until about 28 mo, when it had to be how daddy does it- in the toilet with the lid up for pees), but if he isn't interested in going any of these places, or if he is REALLY adamant about his refusal- just listen to him, even if you KNOW he has to go. Avoid any kind of coercion...talk about the miss when it happens, but be willing to accept his answer as valid. You might know he needs to go, but what he wants is the responsibility of making that choice for himself. He may be feeling too much pressure to put it where you want it to go. Also be sure to encourage his autonomy in other non-potty areas- let him choose what to do today, where to go, to take a long walk with no destination, wether or not to get in the carseat, let him make some serious messes in the kitchen, let him have some freedom to choose for himself. Play some "power games". If he gets plenty of that in other areas of daily life, he may not feel so strongly about choosing differently in this one.

[smileyjb]

I hadn't really thought of his independence playing a role. But it makes sense because he is a very independent little boy. For the most part we did baby led weaning and both Grandmas still want to feed him, but he won't have any part in it! He just wants to feed himself So I'll just have to come up with a more absobant option to the underwear, and take a step back.

[AndreaOlson]

Hey there! This is totally not easy to be in and I'm sending you lots of support. At 17 months, it sounds like he is nearing the point of needing to do things himself a little bit more, so what I would recommend right here is teaching him some of the building blocks to potty independence. It sounds like this potty pause is just purely due to the fact that he's at that age where his brain is connecting with everything else and he's really independent and wanting to do it himself. I would teach some things such as how to sit on the potty, how to pull his pants off and on, how to help you flush the toilet, things like that.

At 17 months, you're nearing the end of when EC is actually effective with a child. Good for you for ECing from 3 months to 17 months; now I would really highly recommend that you look into non-coercive potty training. I send all of my EC readers who have finished ECing for about 18 months at the max. So at about 18 months to 20 months old, if they haven't had much success in sort of wrapping up the EC process, I send them to my friend Jamie Glowacki. You can google her. She teaches a process that lasts about 3-7 days average and she has a whole section in her book about how to potty train non-coercively and gently, but firmly.

If you have done some sort of EC in the past, I absolutely would not recommend you go back to diapers. This is actually a really good sign. This is a huge sign from your son that's saying, "Hey mom! I'm ready to do it by myself." So you can also visit my site and check out some of the blog posts I have about potty pauses - it's under the troubleshooting section. I've got a lot of recent stuff that I've been doing and researching and helping people with, so hopefully that can get you through this last month, but I would also go ahead and get Jamie's book. I think it's only about $15 right now and it will tell you exactly how to wrap up the process because EC is not developmentally appropriate when you get into toddlerhood, and I'm talking 18 months and above. In toddlerhood, they need mastery. They thrive off of mastery and they really need a good set of boundaries. I mean, I love EC! I did with my son. EC is wonderful for ages 0 to 18 months and once you get to the point where you're at where things are really hard and he's having poop misses even after never doing that before, it's really time for a firm closure to the whole process, if you will. So good luck! I hope that helps you and I'm sending you lots of support.

[flyrabbitfly]

Originally Posted by AndreaOlson 

Hey there! This is totally not easy to be in and I'm sending you lots of support. At 17 months, it sounds like he is nearing the point of needing to do things himself a little bit more, so what I would recommend right here is teaching him some of the building blocks to potty independence. It sounds like this potty pause is just purely due to the fact that he's at that age where his brain is connecting with everything else and he's really independent and wanting to do it himself. I would teach some things such as how to sit on the potty, how to pull his pants off and on, how to help you flush the toilet, things like that.

At 17 months, you're nearing the end of when EC is actually effective with a child. Good for you for ECing from 3 months to 17 months; now I would really highly recommend that you look into non-coercive potty training. I send all of my EC readers who have finished ECing for about 18 months at the max. So at about 18 months to 20 months old, if they haven't had much success in sort of wrapping up the EC process, I send them to my friend Jamie Glowacki. You can google her. She teaches a process that lasts about 3-7 days average and she has a whole section in her book about how to potty train non-coercively and gently, but firmly.

If you have done some sort of EC in the past, I absolutely would not recommend you go back to diapers. This is actually a really good sign. This is a huge sign from your son that's saying, "Hey mom! I'm ready to do it by myself." So you can also visit my site and check out some of the blog posts I have about potty pauses - it's under the troubleshooting section. I've got a lot of recent stuff that I've been doing and researching and helping people with, so hopefully that can get you through this last month, but I would also go ahead and get Jamie's book. I think it's only about $15 right now and it will tell you exactly how to wrap up the process because EC is not developmentally appropriate when you get into toddlerhood, and I'm talking 18 months and above. In toddlerhood, they need mastery. They thrive off of mastery and they really need a good set of boundaries. I mean, I love EC! I did with my son. EC is wonderful for ages 0 to 18 months and once you get to the point where you're at where things are really hard and he's having poop misses even after never doing that before, it's really time for a firm closure to the whole process, if you will. So good luck! I hope that helps you and I'm sending you lots of support.

I'm not sure where you are getting this information, with respect to toddlerhood and EC at 18 mo and above, but I disagree. In fact, my BS alert is ringing off the hook right now. IMO 18 mo is on the early graduation scale of EC- many EC'd children don't graduate until close to their 2nd birthday or even 30 mo.

EC may not be "developmentally appropriate" to START with an 18 mo old, but to say you have to quit and buy your friend's book at the 18 mo mark is pretty extreme. EC develops as a means of communication between you and your child. Communication is always developmentally appropriate. EC is not just a way to get your kid potty trained early. I think you miss the whole boat. It's not "follow this recipe to get your kid out of diapers."

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

[AndreaOlson]

Easy there, mama. I don't mean to cause any kind of wars here. What I do wanna say though is that I've had several conversations - as a DiaperFreeBaby mentor myself - with the Associate Director of DiaperFreeBaby.org about the appropriateness of EC for toddlerhood. In toddlerhood, it is absolutely helpful to give the toddler a chance for mastery. So I'm not saying that anybody should or should not buy any type of book but lots of people who EC, yourself excluded, would like to be done with the process at some point, and I feel it is my duty to let people know that there are other options out there. We are all free to have our own opinions and I appreciate yours. Thank you.