2.5 Year Old Development/Behavior questions

[Mittens]

I've never had a 2 (almost 3) year old before so i feel so in the dark most of the time. What is considered "normal" at this stage in terms of tantrums and testing boundaries and power struggles? My DD is driving me a bit mad. I feel like she is actually provoking me to get upset with her in the sense that i am gentle/respectful and try many positive ways of dealing with things until it gets to a last straw (could just bang my head against the wall) feeling for me because, and i may be an overly sensitive mama but, who likes to feel walked all over by their child? Or anyone for that matter. So then i raise my voice and say things i regret. It sucks so much!!! Because i do try so hard to do things in a positive, meaningful way.

[lactatinggirl]

That's a prime age for testing boundaries. Pick your battles and stay firm on the things that are the most important. As for tantrums, toddlers have a very undeveloped prefrontal cortex. This is not only why they have a tantrum out of nowhere, but why they suddenly walk away from it and act like it never happened. I don't like that our society sees tantrums as something bad. Small children have intense emotions. Teach her ways to deal with them and let her do her thing when she gets overwhelmed. It may be embarrassing to have her having a screaming fit in front of all the neighbors (like my DD1 did 2 days ago), but if they're offended that's their own problem. Teaching your daughter that emotions are okay, even the "bad" ones, is your priority.

As for getting upset and saying things you don't mean, I often have that problem myself. Admit when you are in the wrong and apologize to her. Keep working on ways to keep your cool, but everyone has bad days and bad moments. You're showing your daughter that her mama is human and has all these emotions too. Try to use the techniques you have shown her (e.g. Last night I was feeling very angry so I stomped my feet as hard as I could on the ground. Made me feel quick foolish, but it really did help.) Make sure to apologize and tell her when you're in the wrong. This is one of those situations where intent is the most important part.

[Mittens]

Thank you lactatinggirl! I appreciate your suggestions.

I know about the prefrontal cortex and also do not think children are being bad when they have tantrums. I just feel sort of out of ideas after trying everything in my gentle discipline tool box, so to speak. I don't actually think she's provoking me on purpose, it just "feels" like that sometimes after i've tried everything positive to move through it and that's when i lose my cool. For tantrums, i hold her and tell her to let it out and that it's okay, and it always works. It's more about the power struggles i am realizing. I definitely think i talk too much, try to reason too much for where she is developmentally. Simple sentences and understandable boundaries are my goal. I'm also trying to work on not taking things personally, as i am a pretty sensitive person and so is my husband. I am trying not to project my own stuff onto my kids. I also always apologize immediately and then talk to her about it after we've all had time to cool down, though sometimes i wonder if i should just leave it alone after the inital apology so as not to drag out remembering the sadness?

If anyone else has any suggestions, i'm all ears!! Thanks again!
 

[lactatinggirl]

I think that whether you apologize again later is a case by case thing. For little freak outs I'd leave it be, but when I have an especially bad one, I think it helps to talk through it later. Also to talk about generalized things like how I sometimes have bad days or how I react more kindly when she asks me things nicely.

What kind of power struggles are you getting into. We've had that issue a lot too. A lot of it is just letting go for me (e.g. She won't put on her coat, so we just bring it with in case she gets cold). The big things, which are mostly for safety, we just say it's a rule. We always hold hands when we're in parking lots. We aren't allowed to touch the tv. We don't stand on tables people eat on. That kind of thing. Saying it's a rule seems to change it in her mind.

[Mittens]

Oh, i like that distinction! Thank you!