"How to tell a doula no thanks" Advice appreciated! « Back to Group Discussions

[scarletsmiles]

Storytime

Enter this young grandma type doula we met at the beginning of our hospital tour last month. Talkative and totally fits the stereotype of an overbearing Jewish mom.  She got our story and seemed to reeeeeeeeeeeealllllllly want to be our doula. We hadn't started looking for doulas at the time so we gave her our info. Said she get reimbursements from insurance companies, so she'd even be willing to work something out with her fee. Ran into her again at another birth professionals event and she bee-lined for us and said she thought about it and wants to be our doula for free. She'll accept whatever payment my insurance co pays.

The thing is, I had previously called my insurance company with the CPT code and they said they don't cover doula services whatsoever. This did not seem to phase this doula. She was wanting to pioneer payment from insurance cos in our area. She also made it very clear that she was expecting rave reviews from us and to refer her to all our friends.

As of this point my husband and I didn't get the best vibes from her, but she seemed experienced and were willing to have a sit down meeting with her at our place in December.

She called and I set the time up and she kept me on the phone for at least 30 minutes. By this point, I'm starting to get uncomfortable that she will be just waaay to chatty and overbearing during our birth.

Straw that broke the camels back. My midwife asked about doulas. I told her about our options we were considering and mentioned this lady in particular. Midwife's immediate reaction was "Don't go with her, she's crazy."

Soooooo. Is there a tactful way to tell this doula, "sorry, I know you offered your services for free to us, but we don't want em." Phone call? Email? I imagine she will push further and try to convince us our other options are subpar to her.

I feel really akward about this whole situation but both my husband and I do not think she will be a good fit at our birth. We have 2 other options that seem promising. So another doula is definately in the works.

Any advice is very much appreciated since we seem to keep running into her at events in our area.

[cabbitdancer]

Part of me wants to say go with the honesty route. "I like you, but, from our interactions so far, I realize that you will definitely not work out as a part of our birth team. You are making me very uncomfortable and, unfortunately, I fear that will affect our relationship during my birth. Thank you so much. I appreciate the offer. But I can't accept at this time..." Seems like blunt and to the point is the only thing that is going to deter her.

[firespiritmelody]

Any doula *should* understand that they aren't going to be the right choice for every one and not take offense. If it were me on the receiving end of that conversation, I would prefer a short and sweet email - "while we greatly appreciate your offer, we have decided to go with someone else." End of story. No need to engage her further then that if she tries to get back in touch after that.

[cocoanib]

I would not contact her, but if she contacted me again, I would be pretty honest with her.

I would tell her that we appreciated the offer, but our still meeting with people to see who is a right fit for us.

If she get's upset that's on her. A good doula understands that not everyone is a good fit. 

[GranolaMama09]

I agree with the other ladies. I would just tell her that you appreciate her offer but have decided to go with someone else. Hopefully she'll understand!

[Melany]

All the advice has been great, so I know I won't add anything to the discussion.

I'm not sure how I would handle someone who was this aggressive. I'd cancel the meeting in December sooner rather than later since you are not planning on using her. I think I'd avoid over explaining your reasoning because it sounds like she isn't listening to you. For example, the insurance issue where you've called insurance and she is disagreeing with you. 

[LDoulaSteph]

I've had people let me know they are going another route by both phone and email. Honestly either way was fine. She should understand that she isn't going to be the right Doula for everyone so just let her know you won't be needing her services but Thanks anyway :)

Good luck!

[maydaymom10]

I agree with the PPs on this. As a new doula, I've had more rejections than clients and that's fine. Not everyone is a good fit and she should be OK with that. My guess is that she has other couples that she's pursuing as well. Shoot her an email, but let her know sooner than later. If she keeps contacting you after that, then I would just ignore her. 

[scarletsmiles]

Thank you so much for all the advice! I went ahead and emailed her about 3 weeks ago - short and sweet. No response back. So I guess that means she got the email.  Thanks again for the input! It worked!