bed sharing - 8 year old

[myk]

a little history about my family. when dd1 was born i was on my own, and she slept in a cradle next to me and transitioned to her own crib. that was fine until she was a toddler and then it was hell, so i started bed sharing. which was awesome. fast forward to age 3, i got engaged and just before she turned 4 we got married. she gets along GREAT with my husband. she went to her own room at that point and it was a rough transition. but she kind of got used to it eventually.

then i had DD2. i have never bed shared with her due to safety reasons (medical) and she slept in my room until 1.5. i transitioned her to her crib, which works fine for her except that if both girls try to go to bed at the same time, they keep each other up and nobody sleeps.

so, here's the issue. DD1 has behaviour issues. i took her to a therapist who diagnosed attachment disorder, which doesn't quite ring true in that she said it occurs when parent and child aren't well bonded in infancy. we were VERY attached in infancy and toddlerhood, my family says too attached. so i don't know if it's an incorrect diagnosis or just a late-onset attachment disorder. the things we did in therapy didn't seem to help much but due to cost we didn't keep it up for long.

when DD2 keeps her up too much she comes into my bed to sleep. if i was to compare a typical good night sleep (ie, dd2 not keeping her up) in her own room and a night of sleep in my bed, i'd say they were pretty similar, she sleeps the same hours either way. if shes sleep deprived because of dd2 she's overtired either way, obviously.

what i'm toying with is the idea of bringing her to my bed on a regular basis, cause honestly, it seems like her behaviour/emotional problems are better on days where she's slept with me. most of the stuff i read about in terms of cosleeping/bedsharing involves preschoolers. she's 8 but is emotionally immature. does anyone have any thoughts on this? would bringing her to my bed help with attachment, or will it reinforce the immaturity? i don't know what to do. DH thinks she should sleep in her bed and so does my family, but if attachment is an issue, maybe this would help solve it?

[SweetSilver]

I think bedsharing with my nearly-8yo does indeed relieve so much stress from the day.  It is not ideal, but for what I am trying to achieve, it works very nicely.

Mine, too seems "emotionally immature".  There is so much that we work on from day to day that I feel like I shouldn't have to be dealing with in an 8yo.  But there it is.  I wouldn't balk at describing her as "failed attachment" in some ways, because as attached as I tried to be, it has just never seemed to be enough for her.

I think our bedsharing does reinforce *some* "immaturity", but immaturity is not just *one* thing, is it?  It is many traits which we lump all together.  I think what I do does *help* but does it fix it?  No.  I do give bedsharing credit for making our days manageable, though.

I say, go for it-- you will see an improvement, I can almost guarantee it.  Just don't expect it to be a panacea for your troubles.

[KSLaura]

I think its normal and a great idea.    My kids sleep in our room on a regular basis (our bedroom has both a queen bed and a double bed).  This seems to be the only way that everyone gets enough sleep in our house.

Also, I shared a bed with my younger sister until I moved away to college.  She was ten when I left.  She slept in my mother's bed every night for about a year after I left. 

I think its normal for humans to want to sleep next to one another.  For kids with emotional/attachment issues, it might allow them to work through past issues easier. 

Most of all, if you say she has less problems when she shares your bed, then I think you have your answer.  Just remind your husband that it won't be forever.  Once kids hit puberty they tend to stay as far away from the parents as possible!