divorce during pregnancy! hugs needed

[CalmCenter]

Hi mamas, I am 5 months pregnant with my second. My first is almost 3 and an amazingly wonderful little being. I love her so much. I am considering filing for divorce with my DH. He has basically been absent from our lives for 6 months. He is bipolar, and likely has aspergers, and likely head trauma. All of which he has never sought help for and self medicates with weed, which means he is checked out emotionally and physically a lot. The truth is he was wonderful as a home birth partner last time around. And my dd adores him more than anything. He is not a bad father, per se. But I guess he is a bad partner and I think as my dd grows up she will react more to his lack of consistency, reliability and so on. He is basically neglectful as a parent at this point as I can't rely on him for showing up at any given time or to be fully present when needed. 

I feel so fed up with him. I know it is pregnancy. But this is my life and I just don't have the tolerance or patience for him that I once had. I am seriously considering moving forward with a divorce, so that I can focus on myself and my growing babe and toddler and also get the support that we need. 

I am planning a home birth. And I am panicking now realizing I will not have a birth partner. I know I can hire a doula and that is probably the way I will go. But there is a lot of sadness and mourning at the same time. 

I have given him ultimatums about getting outside help, therapy, assessment, support groups. Anything that would give him some support and improve our communication. I think he would like to do that, in the future. But that future never seems to arrive. And I feel impatient to have some closure and stability in my life for my last 4 months of pregnancy and the newborn time too. 

I do have friends who are very supportive. But all are moms with young children and not so available to really help me out. My family lives far away and though I love my parents I don't have the kind of relationship where they would just step in and give me a lot of support in parenting and housework and so on. 

Oh, I am feeling sorry for myself and just needed to express. I live in a small, tight community and I don't want to vent too much publicly as my husband lives here too and I don't want to alienate people from either of us. 

[PrincePJ]

Can't really offer an advice, sorry.

[ella'smommy]

Vent away, that is a lot to deal with. Big hug for you!
 

[bobcat]

Hi,

Hugs to you. I really hope things get better.

I wouldn't panic too much about not having a birth partner, but that is just me. I am pregnant now and haven't ever given birth, so maybe it's easy for me to say? But it seems like that IS something that you could get taken care of with a doula, and it shouldn't be the reason for whatever decision you make.

Just out of curiosity, do you guys have access to healthcare? (asking because you are doing homebirth). Because being able to see a psychiatrist (medical doctor who writes prescriptions, not just a therapist) would probably be the most helpful thing for your husband....being bipolar and seemingly "needs" the weed to cope (which as someone with psych issues myself, I can understand). Well, the therapy might help too, but if he is bipolar, and he "needs" the weed, he will "need" something to replace that. I have a male friend with pretty debilitating psych issues that did successfully go from self-medicating with weed and other drugs to seeing a psychiatrist and taking various meds (it took a lot of pushing from his family, they may have even had him stay overnight one night or do all-day sessions at a center multiple days in a row? Because his depression was severe), and he is now doing MUCH better and is now surprisingly productive and happy. His life is just completely different now! Some people can just go off weed and move on with their lives, but others just really need psych meds to function and be comfortable and happy. No shame in that. I personally "feel" for anyone that has to self-medicate, but to me, there has to be a better way (and there is, it's called modern psychiatry).

I think in terms of "anything that would give him support and improve our communication"....my personal opinion (for what it's worth) is that asking him to get off the weed and simultaneously get real medical help (psychiatrist), is not too much to ask. Maybe you are being too vague with your ultimatums? Or maybe it's hard for him to take something like going to a support group seriously. It is less concrete and he may think it wouldn't make much of an impact, for someone like himself who's dependant on weed as a coping mechanism. So I would suggest having him go off it and getting on whatever a doctor recommends for whatever symptoms he has (anxiety, trouble sleeping, racing thoughts, etc etc).

Also, remember that you gotta be ready to actually follow through with whatever ultimatum you make...so consider that too before making them. I don't think ultimatums are bad, though. But it involves soul-searching on your part first, which it sounds like that's what your doing.

I think there are two ways to go about getting change from a partner: one is approching it by looking at it from the other person's perspective, and saying to them, "it must be so hard going through X, Y, Z, and I really want to see you live your best life, so _____ is what I think you should do. And I am here for you. I want us to be happy, that is why I suggest this." And just letting them know you see THEIR perspective, how hard it is. Tell them you will do whatever you can to help them through it, and tell them you want to learn what it's actually like to live a day in their shoes.

Or, there is the ultimatum route.

I think both have a place, and you can never predict which one is the right method......because sometimes people just need to be understood, and other times people need a clear choice. Of course for obvious reasons you should try the first method first, since otherwise one person could be packing their bags.

My hubby and I have been fighting lately too.....I came on here for support myself and saw this thread. Sorry for what you are going through. I hope my advice didn't insult you at all, because giving advice with tricky situations is rough. I'm not sure if you were asking for advice/opinions or not, but I figured I might as well give my impressions based on what you wrote. Maybe it'll help, maybe not. I figured it was worth a shot. Either way, I wish you the best, and I am thinking about you....sometimes you gotta do what's best for you and your kids, and it sounds like you are prepared to make that decision if need be.

Edited by bobcat - 11/4/12 at 1:05am

[Amor Rays]

I'm going to offer you my story and try not to offer any advice per se.  Your story sounds eerily similar to mine.  My ex was also heavily self medicating with weed on a daily basis, smoking 10-20 times per day, for many years.  He would sometimes work and we do alright, however we always had bills unpaid and my credit is now shot.  I'm not blaming him for my problems as I did choose to get married to this man and have children with him.  Other then his unreliability he was a decent partner, we didn't fight often and the kids love him, He was also a great birth support person and we had three lovely daughters together.  He just never could show up for me in ways that I needed in a partner,  I have work to do around attracting the wrong kind of men. 

I put up with him for over 8 years and I wish I had left him sooner, however I do still love him but I don't need to be with him.  I can love him from a distance.  I am not in love with him.

Leaving him was one of the best things I ever did for myself. My life improved a lot, and i get no support from him. 

I think the question to ask yourself is if you will be better off without him or with him, and make a choice from there. 

I also was pregnant when I made the choice to maybe leave, starting thinking seriously about it. 

I did wait until 4 months after the birth of our last daughter before I left him and I'm glad that I did that. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through the pp period by myself.  I did not tell him my plans to do that because it just would have created more drama.  However I have grown more as a person and probably wouldn't do that now but I would have no judgements for myself for doing that. I wouldn't judge you as well. 

I thought long and hard about it.

I will share more of my story if you want, Hugs to you whatever you do decide.

[amlikam]

I know with my partner I told him "Look I don't want you to be anything you don't want to be, however I am realizing that being in this relationship I am not being true to myself. But more importantly I am not setting a good example for our daughter as to what a healthy relationship looks like. I want to make this work but as of right now I am only willing to try if you are and I would need you to take action this week. This would look like you scheduling and keeping a series of appointments with a therapist and setting some goals for yourself." My DH has been going to therapy and found it to be incredibly helpful. Additonally he went through something called the ManKind Project which has helped him to maintain his accountability in actions.

Good luck mama! It is soooo hard to go through this even when not pregnant. No doubt bregnancy adds to the mix.

[pokeyAC]

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It's a lot to handle.  It sounds like you are approaching the situation very thoughtfully.  You have to take care of yourself, your child, and your future child now.  That may mean making some tough decisions.  When someone shows you over and over again that they aren't willing to get help or change then there's not much you can do.  You can't make someone change or want to change.  He has to decide that for himself.  I hope you and your family are ok, and I hope that one day he does get the help he needs.