Keeping shoes on in the car - Page 2

[salr]

I think the ribbon idea is a great idea to help her learn that shoes stay on in the car, while giving her an outlet for boredom, if you can handle that extra step or two.  But if you're just at the end of your rope I'd go ahead and buy some tall shoes with laces that she can't undo herself.  That would be a quick solution and the only thing you'd have to do is explain that those are the shoes she wears when you're going places now because she was taking the others off, and deal with whatever whining ensued.
 

[skycheattraffic]

I'm sorry you didn't find my approach helpful, I was genuinely trying to help. I'm a "pick my battles" type mom and this would be a situation I would handle by removing the problem. There were other posters who made suggestions about how to help keep the shoes on (shoe covers/legwarmers, ribbons) and I also remember a post about how this may be an automatic habit that is not done on purpose. We are brainstorming and chiming in, suggesting different approaches that could make travel with a toddler and newborn twins a little easier. If this was a simple matter of learning how not to do it like other things in the past, I'd imagine she would have stopped by now. I don't think anyone said you were being ridiculous. It's a tough nut to crack and we are trying. Hugs.

[mama2soren]

Ooof, that sounds like a frustrating situation.

My son had a similar-ish faze around that age.  Except, he would refuse to put his shoes on when it was time to leave the house.  He is a pretty independent guy, and he loved having the freedom to walk next to me and explore at the store or wherever we were going on errands.  His natural consequence for not putting on his shoes was that when we got to where we were going, he had to ride in the Ergo on my back, or in the stroller, or in the cart.  Of course he'd complain about being confined, but I'd remind him that he isn't allowed to walk through the store without shoes on.  It eventually sunk in.  Would an approach like this be an option for you both?  I know the back carry in the Ergo would be a no-go for you now, but perhaps being confined to the cart or stroller would work?

Hang in there!  

[nextcommercial]

I would just not put the shoes on her in the first place.  You take the shoes and set them next to you in the front seat of the car, then have her put them on before getting out of the car.  Unless you park a block away from home, she can walk to the car in bare feet.

Sometimes if you take the option away, they will make a different choice later on.  Some kids just like the control they have, and if you keep giving her the option, she will choose the same option each time.  Especially if you engage her every 20 seconds with "don't take your shoes off...mommy doesn't like it when she has to reach your shoes".  It's practically begging to be disobeyed.  That's like saying "put those in your rooom  Okaaaaaay?"  The answer is "no" because "Okaaaay?" makes it optional.  

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by skycheattraffic 

I'm sorry you didn't find my approach helpful, I was genuinely trying to help. I'm a "pick my battles" type mom and this would be a situation I would handle by removing the problem. There were other posters who made suggestions about how to help keep the shoes on (shoe covers/legwarmers, ribbons) and I also remember a post about how this may be an automatic habit that is not done on purpose. We are brainstorming and chiming in, suggesting different approaches that could make travel with a toddler and newborn twins a little easier. If this was a simple matter of learning how not to do it like other things in the past, I'd imagine she would have stopped by now. I don't think anyone said you were being ridiculous. It's a tough nut to crack and we are trying. Hugs.

Sorry, this wasnt really directed at you. Im glad for the helpful advice, but really soon, she is not going to be in a spot in the van that is easy for me to get to, and she is going to have to keep her shoes on. Period.  But I like your rainboots idea for quick situations. 

As to the bolded, while I agree that some things havent worked so far, typically when she is continuously doing something over and over again and wont listen to reason I make a consequence that seems to go best with the behavior and within a week the behavior is no longer happening. I havent done that yet- which is why I feel like she hasnt stopped yet. I would have already made her walk barefoot from the car to the store, but DH asked me to come up with another consequence because he thought it was "too mean".

I'm a pick my battles sort of mama too, and this is one I just cant let go, because it's just not going to work for us to go anywhere if she keeps doing it. Bending over, fighting her to get her shoes on, her telling me she doesnt like her shoes because she didnt get to pick them out, it just cant happen every single day. Its not a matter of her needing to grow up, its a matter of her needing to understand that this is one of the rules of the car that she has to follow- just like how if throws her snacks in the van, she gets no snacks. We don't live in the car- we dont get comfortable enough in the car to start removing all of our clothes. She also knows how to unstrap herself and get out, but she has learned not to do that too. (after not going to playgroup two times when she knew we were on the way there and she unstrapped and stood up in her carseat). 

I know that with some guidance and with a consequence that this is something DD is capable of doing. If after a few weeks isnt, then we will put the issue on hold or try something else. But for now, Im likely just going to go with my gut and make her walk while it's still only just a bit nippy. Also, she hates to be carried to the store.She always wants to walk herself, so it may be that I just dont let her walk because she has no shoes and then she has to be in a cart the whole time we are in the store. I do keep a pair of crocs in my purse for this purpose, and I guess I will switch those out for some rainboots.  I want her to associate her shoes with the freedom to do things on her own, because that seems to be the most important thing to her right now. 

Puddle:

Honestly, while I stand by my statement that often when I see people asking for advice in this forum, they are basically told to let it go, which is why I almost never post here, the real thing that made me grumpy was being told how much easier having a second kid is. This isn't my first go-round having a second baby. I've already had a second baby. I know how much easier it is to nurse, and I know how to "be a mom" to a second child. Twins will be hard, and Im going to be dealing with a lot. I took care of DD when she was 20 months old when Charlie was born, and I know that with TWO kids and with my current life situation this time is going to be even harder than it was last time.

[puddle]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

Puddle:

Honestly, while I stand by my statement that often when I see people asking for advice in this forum, they are basically told to let it go, which is why I almost never post here, the real thing that made me grumpy was being told how much easier having a second kid is. This isn't my first go-round having a second baby. I've already had a second baby. I know how much easier it is to nurse, and I know how to "be a mom" to a second child. Twins will be hard, and Im going to be dealing with a lot. I took care of DD when she was 20 months old when Charlie was born, and I know that with TWO kids and with my current life situation this time is going to be even harder than it was last time.

I'm sorry my post offended you! Twins are definitely going to be difficult to adjust to, and I completely acknowledge that.  I was just trying to relate my own experience about being stressed before my son was born, and how for me, the problems were not as big as I'd made them out to be when it came down to it.  I was not trying to say that you didn't know what to expect or that you were being ridiculous, and I'm sorry for my failure at communication!  Sometimes when I jump in, in snatched moments of down time, I don't have time to fully think through the possible interpretations of my words, and I'm sorry for that.  That part of my post was about my experience only, and I'm sorry it didn't translate well.  I was really worried about how things were going to change when my second was born, since most of my friends had really tough times with that transition, and it ended up not being as rough for me as I anticipated.  And while adding twins to your family is going to be an exponentially larger transition, I have no idea what you are anticipating and what your babies will be like and what things you're worried about, so I was just trying to add in that perspective, because some people do tend to overworry (and others don't worry enough), and I have no idea what your tendencies are.  Obviously you should disregard any suggestions that don't resonate with you--none of us know you or your child or your family as well as you do.

I hope the transition goes as smoothly as possible for you, and I hope that your family finds a solution to the shoe problem that works and reduces your stress!

[Adaline'sMama]

It's okay :) Im just super sensitive to being told how a second child is going to be for me. I get it all the time, when people see me pregnant in public or having a difficulty with DD and then they notice Im pregnant and say something like, "It's so much harder once the second one is born." and I want to scream in their face that I've had a second baby and he just isnt here anymore. But I dont. So, sorry Im being so sensitive, stuff is just really hard and not about to get any easier. 

[puddle]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

It's okay :) Im just super sensitive to being told how a second child is going to be for me. I get it all the time, when people see me pregnant in public or having a difficulty with DD and then they notice Im pregnant and say something like, "It's so much harder once the second one is born." and I want to scream in their face that I've had a second baby and he just isnt here anymore. But I dont. So, sorry Im being so sensitive, stuff is just really hard and not about to get any easier. 

If there's one time in your life that you're entitled to be super sensitive, mama, this is it. 

Sending good thoughts to you and your family.

[P.J.]

Hi there,

I only skimmed the thread but one point which I didn't see and I wanted to remind you of is:

You seem worried about what this situation will be like when there are twin babies added into the mix.
You know that everything is a phase. You know this will pass, no matter what you do or not. You have had kids long enough to have seen these sorts of things play themselves out.

I am not saying you shouldn't do anything; by all means you need to try various solutions and see what works or not.

I just want to remind you that there is every chance she will have moved on to the next thing and be over the shoe removal by the time the twins arrive. So at the very least, you can stop imagining how much harder this is going to get with the twins in the picture. Maybe it won't, because maybe she won't be removing her shoes every time by then. Maybe because one of these ideas will work, or maybe she will just get over it and move on to the next thing. Not only maybe but most likely. You know how much can change in a few months in the life of small kids.

I hear how worried you are about the intense demands of having twins and a young girl. I hope you can find some respite from that.

Best of luck, I hope the shoe thing passes on its own or with your guidance asap!!!!

[lillymonster]

I skimmed through the posts...my second child was a heck of a lot harder then my first in a different way. Both were different...not easier at all. Both of my kids took their shoes off...I know you say kids don't... but after 9 nieces and nephews on top of my own..I have never seen a kid who hasn't taken shoes off. In fact my youngest I never put them on because while my first did it in silence my second will scream the entire car ride until she vomits because she cant take them off (if I put on shoes and socks she is unable to get off) id rather ride in peace and put on her shoes in the cold (it gets very cold here) then hear her cry because she cant take a shoe off. Don't let her walk barefoot out in public...with cameras in every shopping center someone could see it and decide to report it to cps. Also it doesn't work. My daughter would have thought it so cool to be barefoot and carried around even if it was snowing.

So here is a crazy thing..my first was diagnosed with spd. My second has eczema on her feet and it itches. My first was always taking her coat off and that annoyed me...she also grew out of the shoe phase but takes her pants off and will go outside to play on her underwear because she is always hot. She also always picks at her crotch because she says her underwear bothers her. She is 5 by the way. Treat it like its a physical issue and not something she is doing to annoy you. Don't put shoes on her...let her wear slippers she puts on herself before you get out of the car. My 2 year old is going through it now. If I make a big deal she laughs because it is now a game. If I work with her...then it is over. .maybe she says she doesn't like the shoes she gets to pick out because the ones you pick hurt her feet? I am not trying to be mean or anything but my child still wont fully tell me things bother her and she is 5. Between being a worrier and wanting to please us and having spd she still cant tell us if something is bothering her until we really really dig with lots of questions.

[JoyLoveandLearning]

Why not just pre-empt the shoe take-off?  When she gets into the car, take them off and place them in the front seat with you.  Then you have them at the ready to put back on her at the next stop.

If you make it into a struggle, it will stay a struggle.  She will discover that it is a way for her to get attention (even bad attention) from her very busy mom.  So, if you are already spending 2 minutes at each stop frustrated and upset, why not spend 2 minutes at every stop happy and engaging with her?  What if you putting on her shoes for her were a special time that you shared with her when you told her how much you loved her. 

It's true that other kids are able to keep their shoes on.  But every kid has some "issue".  Be happy she hasn't chosen to grab your attention by spitting or screaming or unbuckling her car seat.  And there are probably plenty of things that your child can do that others can't.  So just enjoy the things she's good at.  This phase will pass and you'll be looking back with a smile years later (and she'll have fond memories of you, instead of sad memories of being made to walk barefoot in the snow).

[crunchy_mommy]

I'm afraid to suggest this because I don't want you to think I'm telling you to just ignore it, but what about giving her more responsibility, and the reward is she can keep her shoes off in the car? So you could say something like, "If you take your shoes off, you need to put them right here [somewhere accessible & convenient], & you need to put them back on before we get to our destination." Then remind her a minute or two before you park that she needs to put her shoes back on. She can be comfy with her shoes off, and you don't have to deal with the hassle of it.

Aside from that, I don't think it's cruel to ask her to walk barefoot, it seems a reasonable consequence to me, but yeah, you might have trouble with stores requiring shoes, or nosy strangers making comments. An alternative consequence might be that if she can't keep her shoes on, she doesn't get to choose her shoes -- she will have to wear a pair that laces up high, double-knotted, & can't be removed.

[mum2threeboys]

Hi there, I get your frustration and boy, have I been there ...not necessarily with shoes but other things along the road ...even into teenage hood I have to tell you. You have had enough input from other people obviously - so please ignore this if not helpful. One good thing about input is that if it doesn't fit with you , it is still helping you affirm what does sit right with you. My suggestion would be to  approach it from a number of angles...

Eg: 

*make keeping her shoes on more fun than throwing them around (make up a song about it, ,we had a song called "do you put your ...(hat).... on your ...(ears...) ?"  ....leading up to, "No , we put our  (hat) on our head" , or maybe you could make a game of how long can she keep the on )

*if it's realistic change the goal and focus from not throwing shoes around to  having shoes on by the time you stop the car. Whatever your goal, have loads of positive reinforcement for it, explain how it helps you and how much you appreciate it

* consider some special shoes that are not for throwing around the car (that she can put on herself). Maybe she doesn't get to wear them unless they stay on her feet or whatever...

*make time in the car really fun with shoes on (or not thrown) 

*can you work out what drives her to do this throwing etc? can you provide another/apropriate outlet fro this either in the car or at another time? 

*take the emphasis off solely shoes eg are you ready when we stop - shoes, hat, etc, - does doll have shoes and hat on too? It's an exciting stage to be able to get shoes off - make it fun at home and encourage the putting on of clothing too- you might need to be prepared to go out with odd socks etc...

*reward small steps towards the goal , be really encouraging of her efforts

*be patient with her and yourself -  it takes us all a while to change patterns

*have a strategy if it doesn't go to plan. If you're sitting in the car and it's snowing and one shoe is in the trunk and you can't find the other, and you're late from something, and you're worrying how on earth will I cope with this when I have three children.... try to look at it from another plane, take a deep breath and see the funny side of it if possible. I have a friend who chooses particular songs to sing/hum to herself at times like that.  

*Allow yourself to take the time you need to support your child (and yourself) in this. Don't worry about being late  -your relationship with your child is more important and how you deal with these day to day issues is what lasts and contributes to defining your relationship.

*As a mother a long way down the road, I would say be kind to yourself wherever you can (we say 'chill out' in NZ) . In a few years you'll look back and laugh as your remember how stressful these moments were (and there will be plenty more) , but you'll have a different perspective. In my experience each successive child has given me an exponential challenge in 'letting go".  All the best for your journey. Well Done for recognising this hotspot and seeking gentle discipline.

[sahmpaw]

I'm sorry you didn't get any help from the posts.  :(  My DD does this too.  She's rear facing so I thought her rain boots were just too clunky and she wanted them off.  I only have her and am not pregnant with twins so it hasn't gotten to me yet.  I just put them on and we go on.  I am probably too gentle of a parent.  At least that's what my other mom friends say.  There are other things she does that really tick me off.  We all seem to have our own things that tick us off. 

One thing that is hard for me to remember when I'm mad at her is if she's not feeling attached to me/connected to me/loved by me she definitely will not cooperate with anything I say.  Her behavior usually makes me not want to attach/connect/love her even more.  It's a vicious cycle.  I have not figured it out yet...how to get my self together and continue to do the job of loving and connecting in the face of her behavior.  Because unfortunately it's our job to connect/attach to our kids.  We can't put that responsibility on them.  I also think my daughter just simply hasn't developed the receptive listening skills that other kids her age seem to have developed (she's 32 months).  A lot of my questions she doesn't seem to "get".  It is quite frustrating and I do empathize with you!!  This is really really tough work we are doing. 

[crayfishgirl]

Originally Posted by skycheattraffic 

I would just go with rain boots. Strap her in, whip them off in a second and put them in a cup holder up front. At the destination, slip them on in two seconds and then het her out. Since she is a smart girl, the consequence of only being able to wear the boots instead of the pretty shoes she likes should help. If she REALLY wants to put them on herself then the rain boots again are super quick. Since you take them, you won't have to hunt for them. I know it's more work than having her keep them on but it's less work than reminding her and fighting with her.

This. 

I've not read the entire thread, but my daughter hates shoes and a typical Saturday of errands would easily be an hour longer than necessary with putting shoes back on (she has to do it herself).  Also, my daughter would not be phased by needing to walk barefoot.  We don't have snow, but cold and rain, and I honestly don't think it would bother her one bit.  Rainboots to the rescue!

[supapfunk]

Duct tape! ;)

(kidding! don't flame me)

I don't have much advice other than GOOD LUCK!

[sassyfirechick]

Does she weight enough to go front facing?  My DD went front facing at 9 or 10mos when she hit 22lbs bc it was too crammed in our car to have her rear facing, and she was beginning to wail on even short car rides when normally she loved the car.  Now she can see me and interact more with me and not feel secluded.  I also have an activity panel on the seat with flash cards and things that hang for her to play with otherwise she too would have her shoes off.

[Greenlea]

What about taking her shoes off for her once she's in the carseat. That way at least you know where they are and you can put them back on once you get to where you're going.

[Boot]

Originally Posted by sassyfirechick 

Does she weight enough to go front facing?  My DD went front facing at 9 or 10mos when she hit 22lbs bc it was too crammed in our car to have her rear facing, and she was beginning to wail on even short car rides when normally she loved the car.  Now she can see me and interact more with me and not feel secluded.  I also have an activity panel on the seat with flash cards and things that hang for her to play with otherwise she too would have her shoes off.

O.T. but I feel this should be addressed. I know the OP knows this, but for anyone else reading this thread, it is MUCH safer to keep your toddler rear facing beyond the legal minimum of 1 year. These days some car seats can rear face to 45 pounds. I just turned my 2 3/4 year old as she has maxed out her seat but I would have kept her rear facing to 3 if I could.

For anyone interested there are lots of ladies hanging out in the Family Safety forum who are car seat techs. Also, check out YouTube for crash tests of rear facing v. forward facing. It's quite an eye opener.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Boot 


O.T. but I feel this should be addressed. I know the OP knows this, but for anyone else reading this thread, it is MUCH safer to keep your toddler rear facing beyond the legal minimum of 1 year. These days some car seats can rear face to 45 pounds. I just turned my 2 3/4 year old as she has maxed out her seat but I would have kept her rear facing to 3 if I could.
For anyone interested there are lots of ladies hanging out in the Family Safety forum who are car seat techs. Also, check out YouTube for crash tests of rear facing v. forward facing. It's quite an eye opener.

Right.

DD will be RF until she's probably 4 years old. She weights 24 lbs, and is only 34 inches tall. Not turning around any time soon :)