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Do you ever feel trapped?

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 

I do. I'm a young SAHM to an 11 month old daughter. My partner (together but not married... that's another issue!) is 28 years older than me and obviously much more established than I am. In short, he owns a very successful business and makes a lot of money. He owns the house we live in and the car I drive. The majority of the time we coexist peacefully but there are the times when he is just downright emotionally abusive towards me. At these times I feel like I have to stay with him because there is no alternative. I have no friends or family that I can really turn to that could help me out substantially. I have limited education (an associate degree in liberal arts) and the last person I worked for was him, my partner. I have just less than $10,000 in my savings account and that is my only lifeline. I have no idea what we would do. I just feel so hopeless and that makes his words sting even more, the fact that I HAVE to take them. If I did leave him, I don't feel like it would be a wake up call to him. I don't even think he would care very much. I do not believe that he loves me and I do not believe he would miss me. It's a horrible, horrible feeling to know that you live with someone who doesn't love you. It's not something I ever wanted for my life. He's a good father and he plays with our daughter well but he is not a loving person towards me. We're like very good friends with benefits. If we didn't have my daughter, I know I would have left long ago. I've never been one to put up with this type of thing. I've never had awesome self-esteem but I've never been this little submissive mouse in a relationship, so afraid of making waves or upsetting a man. He doesn't say these horrible things to me every day or very often but the fact that he says them at all makes me believe that I can't live like this forever. I can't live with someone who harbors these feelings towards me or who could say these things to me. I can't sleep next to this person for the rest of my life knowing that he could think so poorly of me.

 

Basically, what I'm asking, is does anyone else feel trapped like this? Did you ever get out of a situation like this? Just knowing that there's an escape hatch out there somewhere would make me feel 1,000x times better. I could deal with out situation much better just to know that I COULD leave if I wanted to, even if I never did.

 

I'm sorry if this is really confusing or my thoughts are disjointed. I just need to get it off my chest, you know? I've never said these words before.

post #2 of 12
I do. And I have no savings (financial abuse is another issue of ours) sorry you have to go through this too.
post #3 of 12
Thread Starter 

Thank you. I feel like the finances are why he never married me. I feel like if we were married then there would be actual consequences for him if he pushed me to the point where I have to leave. Since we're not married, he doesn't have much to worry about.

post #4 of 12

I would start slowly doing something for yourself.  Do you have a degree?  If not, I would take an online course or something.  Perhaps try to work in a small job for yourself somehow?  Write a list of your strengths and start networking to make your own money.  Having your own money and a job sounds like a way out for you.  Any family around to help with childcare?

 

You could also look into domestic violence resources in your area to speak with a social worker about your issues.  There are often hotlines you could call to just talk to someone about it and see if they have any resources to assist you. I found a national hotline (thehotline.org)... the phone number is (1−800−799−SAFE(7233)).  Verbal abuse and financially feeling trapped are valid issues.

 

You could also look into SAHM groups in your area.  MOMS Clubs are all over the US (momsclub.org).  Even just building your community network may make a big difference for you.

 

Best of luck.  Believe in yourself.

 

post #5 of 12
Thread Starter 

Thank you, I've been thinking about taking an online course so I can work towards finishing my B.A. I only went through 1 semester before I became pregnant.

 

The biggest and maybe only reason I stay is because I'm able to stay at home with my daughter. I feel like that's the most important thing for me to do as a parent, right now, while she's so young. The bad times are not often enough that they outweigh my desire to be with her. Does that make sense? Maybe not, maybe I'm just being spoiled or sleep deprived and not thinking clearly. I feel so lucky to be able to stay at home with her for as long as I have but that same "lucky situation" is what has me feeling trapped. A catch-22. 

post #6 of 12
I can relate to your situation. My partner is twenty six years my senior. I stopped work and university for this pregnancy. As a previous poster mentioned, working on building our own resources in any way, no matter how small, is worth our focus.
Thanks for sharing your story. I struggle with a spectrum of emotions with this partnership. The key for me has been to work to eradicate the shame and disappointment I have about the relationship I am in. I keep the integrity of my mothering relationship with my son at the centre of my focus and keep strong.
And protect those personal savings.
post #7 of 12

If you leave him he would have to pay child support, wouldn't he? I have no idea how much that is forgive my naivete. Would it be enough to get out on your own? Tough situation! Good luck. Keep trying to find solutions-

post #8 of 12
Sorry you're in such a hard situation. Since I don't know much about it I'm just throwing this out there... have you possibly tried or thought of counseling? I mean it sounds like you may not even want to work things out and maybe it's too bad to even try (verbal /emotional abuse is a real thing! No one should have to endure!) I'm just suggesting bc it really drastically changed the relationship I have with dh to a point I couldn't have even imagined. We didn't even realize we were doing things to hurt the other, and once we were able to talk it through, with the pain and a lot of time... things became so much better. Anyway, just giving it as an idea but if he's too abusive to you then nevermind.
post #9 of 12

i hear you!

 

to make a long story short i have felt very trapped as the one without a degree. when i got pregnant i felt really stuck and then when my husband lost his job i felt helpless because no one would hire me at a decent wage.

 

i am not a complete success story yet because i just finished my degree and am waiting to get my states certificate to become a teacher and the struggle to actually be employed in this economy BUT i did it. and tasting freedom and self reliance so so close is beyond fantastic!

 

i did a unique way to get my degree and hope to someday start a business helping others do the same. it took me exact 12 months of very focused work to get my whole bachelors. my degree is fully accredited and i took out no loans. i did this while caring for two very young children.

 

you can be free, if i can do it you can.

 

xxoo

post #10 of 12
Find out the laws where you live. If you've been together long enough you may have a common law marriage.
post #11 of 12

I agree with the advice of finishing your course and at the same time saving some money for yourself.

But, I am wondering if he doesn't love you why did you too get to be together? I am just worried for you that if you stay there for long their is still a possibility of having another baby meaning having additional reason for you to stay and be more trapped with him. 

 

My sister had been living with the father of her 2 kids (3y.o, 2y.o--also unmarried for 5years), when they lived with us I have known they have problem in finances and third party, but why are they still together?? Financial and baby sitting problem. But as of now, my sister had receive a job interview and I am quite sure that if the father of her son won't stop what he is doing 99% they will be separated the moment my sister receive her first check.

post #12 of 12
Sorry to hear your pain.
You have the power and ability to set yourself free. Right now, your job is to be there for your baby.it is hard to focus on self at this v early stage of parenting. Stay strong and focussed on your baby, but do not lose your sense of self. If your partner is being abusive, that really is his problem. You hv just given birth to your beautiful baby, and if you could have accomplished that magnificent feat, the sky is the limit in terms of what you can.change about your life.
Think back to the person you were before you got involved with your partner. Think of the person you want to be, and work towards that goal one step at.a time. The pp have provided some v good practical advice. Adopt what suits you best. If you keep your baby and then yourself front and centre of your existence, you will be able to achieve your goals and also be immune to verbal and.emotional.abuse.
Good luck!!
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