My 9 Year Old Boy is extremely challenging and throws tantrums

[raksd28]

Hi I been having real battles with my son started at 8 a year ago when we migrated.  I thought by now he would have settled, but everyldayis a constant shouting screamin match, he never listens, cant hear the word no without throwing a tantrum, is very cruel to his sister..  I have tried taking away stuff he likes playing away, talking reasoning nothing works.  I feel like ia m failing as a mother, I knew resetlling would have been hard but didn think it would be this hard.  He never listens and is so disrespectful I am really not sure what to do again.  I feel like i am loosing my son and messing him up emotionally.  Help any advice!  Raque

[whatsnextmom]

Are there any support groups for your native country in your area? I know in our area, there are such groups and they can be a real comfort. You might also look into some family therapy. a therapist may be able to give you some tools specific to your child's personality. Hugs to you and hope things start to turn-around. My little brother was a very difficult personality (and we never moved) and life can be incredibly stressful for everyone involved.

[mamarhu]

I am curious where you moved to and from. No need to answer specifically if this is too personal - but is it a big cultural difference? Language change? School differences? Loss of family connections? Was the behavior different before you moved? Moving is always a major transition, but a year is often long enough to adjust. What kind of services are available in your area? My county has a mental health crisis line where a family could start to look for help and support. Are you in the US? I could recommend directions to look for help.
 

You might read The Explosive Child. It offers a good point of view on the lagging skills that bring on tantrums, and how to teach the skills, rather than punishing the resulting behavior.

[Gr8Dane]

I am a male. I have had both of my parents growing up. My father was away at times for school/etc, but he was always in my life. Niether my mother nor father would ever have tolerated this from me. I tried. It didn't work. My parents were loving, but strict. I knew they loved me, but would ont tolerate insolence from me. If I back-talked them or talked bad, I got my mouth slapped or a bar of soap in my mouth. If I threw a tantrum, I was spanked, not as punishment, but for disobeying my parents when they told me multiple times to stop. Do not play in to his tantrums: if he throws a fit, because you won't let me watch TV, and then you finally give in to get him to stop.... he just won. Don't cave. A few times, I will let my girls throw their tantrums. My little one will cry when I say, "No." then run to her room and pout. (She's 5 y/o). She knows better than to slam the doors, and she also knows better than to ignore me when I call her. I don't enforce this control often and let her cry in her room, since she doesn't do it often, and she knows she lost. Both of my daughters know that when they test me, they lose. They don't do it often. Overall, my girls know that if they relaly want something, and there is no reason for me to deny their want, then I'll allow it. When I say no, they may beg some anyways, as children do (I know I sure did), but they don't throw hissy-fits. THAT will DEFINITELY not get them whatever it is they asked for. I have explained to them before, that I said "No", not as a permanent thing, but more as a "Not Now". However, they ruined that for themselves by throwing their temper tantrum. Now, they won't get it at all. However, I do not always mean "Not Now" with my answer. They know that if I say No, then No is the answer. If it IS to come later, then it will later.

Do not let the Resettling aspect make you feel guilty. When I was growing up, I moved every year to a new school, city, and sometimes state. It was because of my dad's job. I never hated my parents for moving every year. I may have hated the MOVE, but not them for moving. Rather than dwell on losing my new friends, I always dwelt on making new friends wherever we moved to. Because of this, I am an excellent people person, and am not afraid to meet new people all over the world when I travel. My friends call me a social butterfly, as I seem to attract friends and groups wherever I go.

As far as your child never listening, you must be sure you are disciplining your child. I am a single father of two girls.  (15 y/o & a 5 y/o) At first after I was kicked out, I spoiled them both every time I had a visit. I wanted to make sure they WANTED to come visit me. Then I started realizing that is not what they needed. They needed  a father, and I was denying them that. So, I am now their daddy again. Yes, I still punish them when they err, but I now focus more on the lesson to be learned from their mistake. I do not spare them discipline. I VERY rarely spank them. There is no need. When they mess up (spill grape juice on the carpets of my apartment) I ask who did it. They will initially say they don't know, just like I did growing up. However, I will look at them both and ask again, "Who did this? Girls, you both know telling me the truth will be MUCH better for all of us." Then, whoever did it will say, "I did, Daddy." I don't beat them. I don't scream and punch the walls. I simply tell the one that did it to go get the carpet shampoo and a rag and clean it up. Either way, I will help them clean it up. Yes, they are still punished. They lose their TV, Cell phone, etc for spilling in the living room (or whatever the incident was) but because they were honest, I drastically reduce their punishment. They girls know that lieing to me is unacceptable. Also, they know not to talk back, swear, etc, as I will not tolerate it. If they do talk back, they get a warning. If they continue to do it, I'll slap their mouth. I haven't had to do this for years. My girls are now mostly well-behaved when they are with me.

Raksd28, if I may say so.... I think he acts this way because he is not being disciplined effectively. Do not get into shouting matches with him. By getting into a shouting match, you are cutting off your own authority as his mother. There should be no match. When my girls try that with me, I simply look/speak at/to them in a manner that conveys there IS no discussion. You state, "He never listens and is so disrespectful..." May I ask what he does in specific, that is disrespectful? If he doesn't listen, don't let him have what he would have normally had. (i.e. If you tell him to wash his hands for dinner, and he doesn't... then don't let him eat.) When he gets hungry enough, he will cry that he is hungry, then you simply tell him: When you wash your hands, like I already told you to do, then you can eat. I'll bet within 15 minutes, he'll be washing his hands. Things like that. Don't get into, for lack of better terms, a "pissing match" with him. You are the mother, you ARE the boss. Period!

When I was dating a serious girlfriend of mine, after my first tour of service in the army (I was about 21 or so), I was visiting her and her family at their house. Her dad was at work, and her younger three brothers will constantly harass their mom. I mean blatant disrespect. They'd tell her to "Shut the F*** up."or even "Noone's listenting to you." Things like this happened all the time. Finally I got her three bothers together (my gf was 19, and her brothers were 17,15, and 14 or 13. I told all three of them, if I ever heard them disrespect their mother like that again, I'd personally beat their a$$es, and then I'd STILL tell their dad what they were doing when he wasn't there, and HE'D beat them too! I didn't just leave it there though. I also talked with their mom. I helped her understand that she WASN'T helpless with the boys. She was MOM! Man, when I was growing up, MOM and DAD was almost synonimous with God! (figuratively, of course). My dad was knock me through a wall if I ever talked to my mom like that. She would do the same! A lot of the problem came from their mom's own insecurity. I helped her gain that back. The next time one of them mouthed off to her, she cracked him across the mouth. The son was stunned, that their mom stepped up to the disciplinarian plate, they all backed off. They were starting to respect her as Mom.. not just some nanny. I was watching this from the side-lines to so speak, to make sure the boys weren'tgoing to do something stupid, but she took charge and became Mom again.

Do not show your son any insecurity, regardless how you feel. He needs you to be his mother, and I don't know your situation, but speaking from a single parent perspective, you may need to be both the consoling parent as well as the disciplining parent. We will make mistakes as parents, I know I have. However, if I have any insecurites, or questions, I ask my friends. I don't show it to the girls.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

GR8Dane-

Welcome to MDC. We advocate for attachment parenting and gentle discipline.  We do not allow posts that encourage or condone violence against children, this includes spanking, crackcing them across the mouth, and any other violent actions.  Please keep this in mind when posting at MDC.  You may want to review the user agreement and statement of purpose, as well as visiting our gentle parenting forum for some other ideas regarding discipline. 

[Gr8Dane]

Just to make sure I understand properly.... MDC considers discipline as violence? I will try to remember this for future posts.

[Cyllya]

Originally Posted by Gr8Dane 

Just to make sure I understand properly.... MDC considers discipline as violence? I will try to remember this for future posts.

No, it considers hitting as violence (because it is) and discipline as teaching (because it is). That's literally what those words mean.

[Commanda13]

My 9 yo son has thrown tantrums since he was a baby.  He's been more moody lately and I'm guessing both my son and your son might be starting puberty and the emotional swings tied into that.  I found a good thread on here with some resources that might help us....

http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1365178/who-is-this-child

It's certainly difficult!  Hang in there!