My very angry child =( Can anyone help?

[CherryBombMama]

Hi everyone, I need some help and I am short on time, so hopefully I can get my point across - 

My ds (27months) has been getting very angry lately.  Well, he has always been high needs, fussy, cranky, clingy, etc but these last couple of months he has been lashing out at us/things/hurting himself because of his anger.  My dh and his family have an awful temper, so I'm sure that the "temper gene" has been passed on to him.  I need help focusing and redirecting that anger/energy. Any good books for that? I have the Spirited Child book, and oh does that fit him to a T! 

A few things he does when he is angry - Say I offer him a snack - 

Me - "Victor, would you like some pretzels?"

"NO! No pretzels."

Me - "Ok." (start to put them away...)

"I want pretzeeeeellsss!!!" then throws himself on the floor or makes fists and punches (as well as a 2 year old can) the air or tries to hit me, or his brother or anything near him, really.

He does this for all types of foods, toys, crayons, potty time, etc. Sometimes I feel like sticking to my guns ("You said you didn't want XYZ..") and sometimes I give it to him after all ("Oh, so you did want XYZ.") Sometimes I feel like he is stepping all over me. Where and how do I put up some boundries?

Also, lately, he will get so mad he will just pee.  Right then and there. Just a bit because he didn't full have to pee.  He isn't completely potty trained, though. I am sure it is because he is just soooo angry he doesn't know what to do.  When my dh gets this mad, he looks like he is going to explode.  My ds probably feels like he is going to burst, so he just lets go and ends up peeing a bit, but is this a sign of anything serious? Does anyone know?

He is sensitive to dairy, and we are milk and cheese free now, and working on replacing butter. This should help, I hope.

He is also obsessed with nursing.  It is all or nothing, there is no middle ground for him.  For a while, I had a "only when the sun goes down" rule and it was so nice, but then he got sick and needed to nurse, so that went out the window.  And now that he is much more verbal than he was just last month, it is hard to cut back on nursing, because now he tell me "I need num-num." I *need* to wean him, for my own personal sanity, (I nurse my dd as well) but I worry about the effects it will have on him.  If he had his way, he will nurse every hour and eat no food.  He does not sleep through the night, although when I have no dairy he sleeps better.  

I need some help with his anger.  Someone please direct me somewhere.  I am so tired 

[sassyfirechick]

Alot of behavior issues in young kids can be food related, and I would say if he isn't sleeping thorugh the night and *needs* to nurse that frequent then he's trying to tell you that his body isn't functioning properly.  I went dairy free with DD when she was 12wks when I suspeced it was a trigger for her fusing and major blow out poops.  Nursing and the sucking action are temoporarily soothing to the stomache but the down side is they continue to ingest the thing that aggrivates them in the first place.  It can take up to 3weeks to get it out of your system so if you don't go cold turkey it will draw out the amount of time it takes to clear your system and contiue to affect his.  Earth Balance is the butter we use and even DH can't taste the difference.  Most stores carry cheese alternatives, like Daiya.  Just beware that the issues in kids is the Casien (milk protein) and not lactose (milk sugar) so just buyuing things that are lactose free won't help.  We alternate between SO Coconut milk and almond milk in our house.  Also along those lines, if the dairy doesn't help completely the next thing to eliminate would be gluten as that also has a tendancy toward behavioral issues and tummy upset.  Many traditional pedis and dr's are clueless when it comes to food issues as nutrition is not something they are required to study.  My pedi insisted my daughter did not have a sensitivity to dairy, yet when I gave her a pin sized drop of plain yogurt, she vomited profusely 20mins later.  So for us we're seeing a naturopathic dr who specializes in kids and allergies since I believe DD also has a possible anaphylactic allergy to oats. 

You could do all the behavioral training in the world and your DS might never progress to his full potential if there is an underlying medical/digestive issue.

[newmamalizzy]

Just wanted to say that I just finished reading Your Two Year Old, and your quoted conversation with your son could have come straight out of that book.  I almost always ask my 2.5 year old 3 times.  The first time she says one thing.  The second time she says the opposite.  The third time she usually says the thing she actually wants. 
 

[mamazee]

That's very typical behavior for that age. It's just tantrums. They get a desire for autonomy and try to create power struggles where they can to get it. I like the idea of asking a few times to make sure he knows what he wants. I also would try to give as much autonomy as possible, and mabye give little jobs to do that he can handle. It doesn't take much but sometimes they're happier when they feel useful. But as for autonomy, if you could put his cups and bowls/plates where he can get them and get them out, that might be something he likes. Whatever you can do that makes him able to take care of things for him by himself. Maybe he could pick out his own clothes each day. To some extent he'll have to get past this age, and you're just at the beginning of it, but that can make it go a bit smoother.

[Blt178]

My 35 month old DD does THE EXACT SAME THING. We have good days and bad days, but the bad days are enough to drive a mama to drink! Everything is a battle right now which, as Mamazee said, I understand to be pretty typical of this age... I have been reading anything I can on how to minimize the behaviour at least and have become a big fan of Dr Laura Markham who is a proponent of connected parenting. I have had some success with her suggestions and the rest is prob just going to have to fade with the stage...

Good luck!

[pickle18]

 We deal with the exact same tantrums (although the angry peeing has gotten a bit better since I quit WAH) with 18 mo. old DS.  He is also the textbook High Needs Baby/Spirited Child, and (bless him) has two rather intense parents, too (ahem...).

Giving him control wherever possible (clothes, food, etc.) helps some, but also - when he starts with the hitting - I tell him, "NO, we do not hit Mama - we love Mama" (and walk away if need be).  Sometimes this helps him switch out of hitting and into hugging and being lovey dovey.  Other times, I tell him, "we don't hit people, what do we do when we're angry?  we find a pillow..." and then I go hog wild punching a pillow and yelling (I'm not sure who this helps more, him or me ).  Often, he cracks up laughing at me and snaps out of it.  Other times, he's still mad, but it buys me some time and he at least STARTS to calm down and not hit, even if he's still smoldering.  We do alot of "I realize you are frustrated because of xyz..." or "It's hard to be disappointed, it feels yucky..." etc.

Good luck, mama!