my marriage - Page 2

[pek64]

I hope you remember you have value, always. I wish you happiness. It may take some work, whatever choices you make, but you deserve it. And so do your children.

[Pr3ttyPrincess]

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Edited by Pr3ttyPrincess - 1/17/13 at 4:53pm

[Sativarain1]

This sounds like the typical cycle of good times until the next bad time... He sounds emotionally abusive. I'd encourage you to read about emotional abuse and maybe sit down with someone in your own local dv  womens center for more information..hugs.

[Laura87]

oh my dear pretty princess ( i like that user name) you are so abused and the most common result of any abuse is to turn on ones self. it's always your fault, right? you made him act out, right? you attacked him and took things wrong, am i hitting home?

my husband was at one time emotionally abusive. he had a truly horrific childhood and had never admitted his pain much less got help. when we had a baby i said my child will not live with a crazy person! no child deserves that, no one ever does.

when i got ready to leave he got help. with intensive therapy and much self motivation he did a 180 BUT that is by far the exception not the rule.

i don't know you and you dont know me and we will probably never meet but from the bottom of my heart GET THE KIDS AND RUN, PLEASE this IS abuse

((((((( HUGS))))))

[MissLotus]

I am an optimistic person, extremely so.  But I am here to tell you that the cycle of abuse will continue, until you leave.  If you posted this on the "Single Parents" and/or "Parents as Partners" forum, I guarantee there are people (including me) who've been there, done that with spouses whose behavior is exactly as you describe.  The cycle of abuse you're describing is very, very common, unfortunately.  It's textbook and it does not get better.  Because those aren't "just" marriage problems, there's a deep lack of respect going on that no apologies will help.  I can also just about guarantee he's a  narcissist; their narcissism allows them to act this way and that's why their behavior is so textbook the same.  And narcissists never change.

He doesn't care about you, what he cares about is control.  So naturally the moment you assert your own indepenence he's either threatened - or threatening.  He'll "hunt you down"?  That phrase alone would be enough for me to leave him forever.  Besides, unless he's a psycho killer (in which case of course you should definitely leave!) that's not how "leaving" works.  Any adult is allowed to decide if a situation is working for her or not.  Living with abuse is a situation that's not working.  And if your kids grow up thinking that's the norm, they're much more likely to end up in such relationships. 

So you are entitled, like any other adult, to seek legal advice, a lawyer to protect you from the sort of person who would "hunt you down".  If he really does physically threaten you, you go to the police and ask how to get a restraining order.  These are things you can do because your husband has no more right to treat you like this than he does any other woman out there. 

I'm guessing he controls the money so it seems impossible to do anything.  Well, when he isn't around, call an attorney who does family law.  They have consultations, a half hour or hour.  Some charge for them and some don't, just ask.  Even meet with more than one (like, say, a doctor - some are better than others).  I guarantee they've heard stories like yours many times and are familiar with the dynamic you're describing.  You probably know this but if you get divorced, you're entitled to part of the assets and a percentage of his monthly income.  And it's possible he'd also be ordered to pay for some of your legal bills.  So don't let the lack of money stop you, nor his threats.  Very many of us have gotten out of situations like you describe. 

And try not to even engage in his idiotic conversations - it doesn't matter if you have a sandwich stacked to the ceiling, or if you want to sleep late, or whatever.  When they want to pick a fight, they will, and it doesn't matter what you say or do.  So don't bother.  He doesn't deserve any more of your emotional energy. 

[Sativarain1]

how are you doing today? I hope your well  

Edited by Sativarain1 - 12/11/12 at 10:19pm

[Pr3ttyPrincess]

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Edited by Pr3ttyPrincess - 1/17/13 at 4:53pm

[Mittsy]

I am very glad to hear that. Please be very careful though, this sounds very typical to me of the cycles of a emotionally abusive relationship.

[Pr3ttyPrincess]

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Edited by Pr3ttyPrincess - 1/17/13 at 4:53pm

[MotheringBliss]

I fled an abusive man some years ago and found a warm, loving man to build a life with.  

Should you find yourself at a place of hopelessness (with him) and need to relocate, we have room here!

We live in a quiet, small, town with a protective 20 hour drive (or so) from your state (not the location on profile ;)  the entire second floor of our 2600 sq ft house is unoccupied.

Know that there are always options and his threats can only hold you in fear for so long.

I was in such denial, that when things finally reached a breaking point (after 7 years of cycles) I failed to gather important irreplaceable things (photographs, documents, ect).  He prevented me from leaving the house to celebrate my birthday.  We had a standoff in the driveway and he nearly ran me and the baby over with his car when I insisted he allow me to use it.

Good to have a legal plan too so he can't pull that custodial interference BS and bind you to him (criminally) through the courts.  Document abuse, collect  statements, video & audio may help your case as well.  Set up a confidential residence while you file protection orders & parenting plans.  Our system gives him parental rights regardless of his actions towards you and the children.  Do your research for your state, COVER your tracks and don't look back!  

Read through this book  http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656  To gain some objective perspective.

Any man who is threatening to hunt you down (while demeaning, subjugating, and hurting you) is not EVER going to change no matter how devoted you are.  

I know how trapped and alone you must feel.  

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by Pr3ttyPrincess 

i really want/need to talk to my dad but i can't husband took the cell phone upstairs with him and hid it. i feel awful

Why would you want to talk to your Dad after all he has said/done to you?

Both of these men are abusive. Your husband may hold you while you cry (according to your other thread) but he also cusses at you and throws his ring away... (mine ripped up our wedding pic, since he never did get a real ring ~ his job doesn't allow it).

You should try therapy so you can sort through all these things that have been done too you <3

Oh, and after re-reading this thread, I would also get the hell out. Something one of the people on the abuse hot line told me (stbx hurt me exactly twice ~ once he pushed me when I didn't want him to drive away because he was upset, and once he grabbed my arm and left bruises when I wanted him to look at me) was that I had gotten good at knowing when to back off and play nice so that stbx wouldn't hurt me again.... get that? I was SMART ~ I had LEARNED TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIORS to not get him to hurt me again... that doesn't mean he's not an abuser.

Emotional and mental abuse is still abuse.... keep in mind, your DH is acting the way your Dad did at first, which got worse and worse... get out now, while it'll be easier.

[Pr3ttyPrincess]

Originally Posted by BabyMae09 

Why would you want to talk to your Dad after all he has said/done to you?

Both of these men are abusive. Your husband may hold you while you cry (according to your other thread) but he also cusses at you and throws his ring away... (mine ripped up our wedding pic, since he never did get a real ring ~ his job doesn't allow it).

You should try therapy so you can sort through all these things that have been done too you <3

Oh, and after re-reading this thread, I would also get the hell out. Something one of the people on the abuse hot line told me (stbx hurt me exactly twice ~ once he pushed me when I didn't want him to drive away because he was upset, and once he grabbed my arm and left bruises when I wanted him to look at me) was that I had gotten good at knowing when to back off and play nice so that stbx wouldn't hurt me again.... get that? I was SMART ~ I had LEARNED TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIORS to not get him to hurt me again... that doesn't mean he's not an abuser.

Emotional and mental abuse is still abuse.... keep in mind, your DH is acting the way your Dad did at first, which got worse and worse... get out now, while it'll be easier.

Because he knows what it's like to be on the opposite end, of what the issue was. The issues I described above, are not what our relationship is like today, and hasn't been since a couple weeks after I posted this. Things have been improving everyday. I am very happy with where our relationship is now.

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by Pr3ttyPrincess 

Because he knows what it's like to be on the opposite end, of what the issue was. The issues I described above, are not what our relationship is like today, and hasn't been since a couple weeks after I posted this. Things have been improving everyday. I am very happy with where our relationship is now.

Are you talking about your Dad, or husband?

[Pr3ttyPrincess]

Originally Posted by BabyMae09 

Are you talking about your Dad, or husband?

My husband I have very limited contact with my father.

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by Pr3ttyPrincess 

My husband I have very limited contact with my father.

That's good, considering how abusive he was. Didn't you say he had changed in recent years, though? Kinda like what you are saying about your hubby now...? It may be that your husband is just a little immature, and having three kids that are such young ages is stressful. Just make sure that you are feeling like you get what you need from this relationship too <3

[pek64]

Things were bad, for a while. I'm curious, has the ring been replaced?

[Pr3ttyPrincess]

Yes, we replaced it the next day. I am the only one that doesn't wear one. But I took mine off for different reasons. I have really dry skin, and I can't seem to find anything that is helping, so with my ring set on it is making my skin peel off my finger,

[pek64]

I know you have dry skin, but maybe you also have a zinc allergy. My son has one, and can't wear a watch without painting the back with clear nail polish.

I hope you will continue to write to us, and keep us updated on how things are going! I'm going through a rough patch in my marriage, so I'd like to know what you did to smooth things out in your marriage. Do you mind sharing?

[Pr3ttyPrincess]

Originally Posted by pek64 

I know you have dry skin, but maybe you also have a zinc allergy. My son has one, and can't wear a watch without painting the back with clear nail polish.

I hope you will continue to write to us, and keep us updated on how things are going! I'm going through a rough patch in my marriage, so I'd like to know what you did to smooth things out in your marriage. Do you mind sharing?

I did alot of talking, I statements work best. For example, "I feel like I don't matter to you when I'm talking and your staring at the tv screen and don't hear anything I say. It really hurts my feelings." I think all men have that problem though LOL. I explained to him how I didn't want to just argue all the time and that I just wanted to go back to enjoying being around him not being miserable and wanting to smack him upside the head to knock some sense into him. I have trouble being open and being vulnerable, so I think showing him that I could be really helped.

Zinc allergy is possible, the ring set I have is sterling sliver.. Time for an upgrade :)

[pek64]

Zinc is added to silver, gold and platinum, to make it hard enough to handle everyday wear and tear. All precious metals are too soft to not get dents and dings. Twenty four carat gold is the most gold there can be for jewelry, but it's not pure. 100% gold is so soft that it has been pounded as thin as tin foil by hand.

I'm glad things are so good that you feel your husband would agree to a new ring set, even though it wouldn't solve your skin problem. I also get dry hands in winter. Is that your problem, too, or is it year round? Have you tried Shea butter for your hands? That's what I plan to try next.