Potential gender disappointment - feeling guilty

[vachi73]

I am 22 weeks with our (surprise) fifth child. We have four boys, incuding a set of fraternal twins (so, in other words, we REALLY make boys). I have intentionally NOT found out this baby's gender ... I have never found out before birth, and saw no reason to start being a "finder-outer" now :)

That said, I am pretty darned sure this is boy #5. More from the behaviors of the doctor/ultrasonographer than anything else, but I might've seen a hint of a boy part on u/s today (checking placenta for accreta - all clear, thank goodness).

I have fully expected this to be a boy the entire pregnancy...but when I left the appointment today, feeling like I had just learned that it is for sure a boy, I felt kind of disappointed. And I'm not sure why ... statistics were never in my favor! and it's not like we were "trying" for a girl (ha! that's ludicrous!) But I guess, deep down, I wanted a girl more than I admitted to myself.

Don't get me wrong -- I adore my boys, and truth be told, I'm probably far better suited to parenting boys than a girl!!  I would probably just mess up a girl psychologically. Plus this kid is already going to be such the family baby anyway - all we need is for it to be a girl, and be the only girl of seven first cousins on my side of the family, youngest, etc. Talk about potentially spoiled!! And not to mention, we have so many nice clothes for a boy, we would have to start from scratch with a girl. See, rationally, I should want a boy!

I think it's probably related to my two SILs having girls this fall, and the fact that I know beyond all doubt that this is it for me (vasectomy sealed that deal! and for sure we would never adopt a 6th just to have a girl.) ... And (this is kind of a dumb reason, but it's true) we have a beautiful family name for a girl, but NO NAME AT ALL for a boy. Sigh.

I'm just a little disappointed, I guess. Is that horrible? Should I call a therapist?! I don't want to admit this to anyone with whom I am close, if that makes sense, nor do I want to confess to my DH (since it's his "fault" anyway, ha ha ha). Truly, I am so happy that the baby looks to be healthy, and so far I am healthy, too, and we are so thankful for that!! I do not mean to be selfish or short-sighted or any of that. I know we are beyond blessed with four kids already and another on the way.

Anyone else ever feel this way? Will it get better once baby is born, or am I just going to be more depressed then?  I figured I would be so happy/in love after delivering the baby that I wouldn't care about his gender... right?! Should I call the doctor and find out for sure today so I can stop holding out any hope (they have it in my MaterniT-21 results, presumably)?

thanks for reading this long post!

Edited by vachi73 - 11/7/12 at 1:01pm

[Andreann]

I think your feeling is guenine and not all crazy. Boys, you know that well, but a girl looks like a fun new adventure. Some women experience disapointement at their 2nd baby because it's the same sex as the first and the couple had settled for 2. It's kind of sad, but I think it's a normal thing to want to experiment having both gender. That takes nothing out of being happy to have an healthy child in the end.

Once you get your baby breathing in your arm, you'll just savour the moment and then realize you should check what sex it is at some point...And you'll be happy, whatever it is.

That said, I know a women who had a girl after having 4 boys. Everyone was trully delighted for them, and so they were, even if they kept saying sex didn't matter, which I know was true.

Happy healthy pregnancy!

[pokeyAC]

I think it's perfectly ok to feel what you feel.  It doesn't matter if it's rational or not.  You may feel disappointed and have to grieve a little bit.  If it's really bothering you and affecting your life, then I would see a therapist.  I know people always say, "We don't care as long as it's healthy."  I don't think that's really true most of the time.  I think people often have a preference, but they don't want to say what it is because it seems wrong.  Of course, you would love your child just as much either way, but wouldn't it be nice to have a girl?  It would be a new experience for all of you.  We would love to have a girl, and we will probably find out before the birth.  But I can't say if it's better to know before or to have it be a surprise.  If you know before, you have time to mentally prepare, and you won't be surprised when the baby comes out.  On the other hand, if I were to let it be a surprise, I might be so happy to have my new baby in my arms that I wouldn't care what it is because I would already be falling in love.  My point is--don't beat yourself up.  It's not horrible to be honest about your feelings.  Good luck!

[CoBabyMaker]

I think it's fine to struggle with this and lots of people do!  It doesn't mean you will love your baby any less- It just means you were hoping for a girl and your disappointed which is a natural feeling when we don't get something we hoped for.  I know we are hoping this third baby is a boy for us because we have two girls.  Will be love and cherish another girl? Yes.  Like you, sometimes I wonder if I would know what to do with a boy.  I want one though and that's ok. 

We find out the gender of our babies so I don't know if I can answer this part as honestly.  If you feel like it will help you to process things then I would find out.  I am considering having the US tech right it down and put it in an envelope so DH and I can discover together in private.  This is our last baby (unless we adopt) and I know we will feel some sadness if it's another girl.  I want us to have the freedom to share our real feelings and thoughts with one another.   

[liberal_chick]

I have 3 boys.  Our third was a surprise baby and we hoped it was our daughter.  That is acutally one of the reasons we found out prior to birth; I wanted to have time to process any disappointment and get over it, especially b/c dh got a vasectomy during my pregnancy and this was IT.  The last hurrah.  As much as I knew I'd love a son, I didn't want some of my first thoughts at the birth to be disappointment.  And, knowing me, they absolutely would've been.

All that to say, I think you're normal but if you are worried about your reaction or feelings at the birth, go ahead and find out.

[LilyTiger]

Originally Posted by vachi73 

I figured I would be so happy/in love after delivering the baby that I wouldn't care about his gender... right?!

This was true for me, at least.  I know a lot of people find out the sex ahead of time to help deal with disappointment, but even though I really really wanted a boy, I chose not to find out.  I felt that knowing it wasn't a boy would simply make the rest of my pregnancy miserable, I'd be jealous of people who knew they were having boys, etc.  When my daughter was born, I had a flash of "I knew it" and then she was placed on my chest and I fell so in love that nothing mattered either way.  There was another thread where a mama in your position found out ahead of time because her husband was worried about her level of disappointment after the baby was born, and she really wishes she hadn't found out.  For some people, at least, handling gender disappointment is actually harder when you can't connect directly with the little person inside you.  For me, if I had had to get over my disappointment with only what was in my belly to help, it would have been much harder.  Instead, I got to hold the most beautiful little baby girl, which made all the difference.  Good luck in whatever you decide!  (And yes, I think these feelings are totally normal!)
 

[dayiscoming2006]

I know I really want a girl this time. I have 2 boys and a girl and really want a companion for my daughter later in life. I'm happy either way, but I'm sure I'll be a bit disappointed if it is a boy. I'm kinda feeling like there might twins this time (who knows - LOL.) 

So, basically, it's normal to feel some disappointment. It's not that you love your child any less.

[vachi73]

First of all, thank you all so much for your kind, non-judgmental responses. Truly, brings me to tears! (OK, it's hormones, too, but still!) Thank you.

Secondly, I am so glad I am not alone in feeling this way, and voicing my feelings has really helped. Especially since two of my kids woke up vomiting this AM, so it's a disaster zone around here. LOL - gotta love viruses!!

Regarding finding out, I have avoided it because I think it could make me feel depressed for the remainder of the pregnancy. I mean, I kind of know already that it's a boy, but the hard, fast facts could depress me. I think that's still the right choice for me, so I'll stick with it. I think. Ha! I think I would instantly regret knowing, as mentioned by Tiger Lily above (regarding another poster here).

Now my agenda will include:

1. Trying desperately to think of a name for our son that both DH and I can love (this is incredibly hard for too many reasons to list here!!!!!)

2. Making sure my mother, who is a wonderful human being but lacks a frontal lobe after chemotherapy, doesn't ask me 2 days post-partum if I am depressed because it isn't a girl. Yes, she did this after our twins were born at 32.5 weeks via emergency c-section and I was on death's doorstep - literally. Admittedly, I was very depressed, but it was because I felt like my body had failed my precious, tiny boys, NOT because they were both boys!!! Sheesh!

Any ideas on #2?! Maybe I should tell her directly, in advance, not to mention gender?! LOL, the things I worry about!

Thanks again for the kind words and support. Very, very aprpeciated.

[LDoulaSteph]

I think that is a totally normal way to feel. Just another one of those things that we never talk about in pregnancy and instead feel crazy inside for feeling it. We are not finding out this time but I'll be honest with you both DH and I are kind of hoping for another girl. We both feel better suited to parenting girls and we already have everything we need for a girl (we found out the first time so lots of pink). DH actually wanted to find out gender because he was worried he would be disappointed if a boy popped out, he has since realized he would never feel that way . Anyway I just wanted to say don't feel bad, I think a lot of women long for a little girl, I know I did!! 

Sending hugs :)

[Quinalla]

Yeah, just chiming in that it is totally normal and ok to feel gender disappointment. I know when we find out the twins genders if we are having two girls (I already have a DD), I will be disappointed as I do want at least one boy. For me, it is better to find out, grieve what could have been for a bit and then have lots of time to get excited for whatever I am having. But for others, it is better to be surprised at birth and it sounds like you are the latter. Heck, even with my first pregnancy when I wanted a girl, but thought it was a boy, I was a little disappointed once I realized she was a boy and also excited she was a girl. I'm glad talking about it a bit made you feel better, I know I felt better knowing that other people had some disappointment too.

[Georgetown HB Mom]

I am right there with you but on the flip side. I have had four girls. I am pregnant with my fifth. I REALLY HOPE it is another girl. My fourth daughter was a stillborn and I feel like if I have another little girl it would help my grief somewhat. And besides, I just adore being a mom of girls. We don't find out the gender beforehand and I have wondered many times if I will feel disappointed if this turns out to be a boy. Besides my MIL has wanted a boy since I was pregnant with my first and makes it a known fact that she is disappointed every time we have a girl, so if we had a boy it would please her and I just don't want to please her.

[sunshine28]

I also have 4 boys, and am hoping for a girl this time. I will not ask at the u/s, but wait. The girl I'll have, (whenever that will be) will be a princess!!

(Boys, by the way, are conceived when the mother releases the egg first, and girls, when the father releases first, so it's "our" fault  when it's a boy! )