Grandparents and secrets - Page 2

[limabean]

In theory, I agree that the word "secret" can raise a red flag, and I'm normally on board with the "surprises are okay, secrets are not" thinking. But really, I guess it depends on your relationship with the grandparents in question, and your level of trust with them. I trust my mom and my ILs completely, and both have done the, "Don't tell mom you got an extra cookie!" thing, and it hasn't bothered me a bit. For one thing, they've done it right in front of me, within earshot, while looking at me to make sure I heard, so it's obvious that it's a joke. But maybe they've done it when they're alone with my kids too, but it's not at all an authoritative, "You will NOT tell your mother about this extra cookie!" thing, it's a silly, conspiratorial joke, and my kids seem to get that. 

Theoretically, I understand crunchy_mommy's point, and agree with a lot of it, but in practice, at least with my kids' grandparents, it just has never raised even the slightest red flag for me to hear them joking around with my kids about stuff like that. 

[ilovemygirl]

Thanks for all the replies. This response from crunchy mommy says it best for what I was trying to get at. I had to set some ground rules ... again! I HATE that they keep making me out to be the bad guy who won't let them have fun with the grandkids but they just won't stop pushing the boundaries of what I feel comfortable with. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 


Privacy, yes. Child asking grandma to keep a secret, yes (within reason, using good judgement). Grandma asking child to keep secret? No, that's an unfair burden to the child, and would cause me to seriously question the safety of the grandparent involved.
See, a reasonable parent will not mind if the kid has ice cream before dinner on a special occasion, and won't micromanage your time. But what is the secrecy around it for?? To me it undermines the parents. It shows poor communication & questionable judgement. It teaches the child that if she's doing something mom won't approve of, she better not tell. What happens when something serious comes up, and this is the attitude the child has internalized? What happens when she's 16 & pregnant? Don't tell! Mom won't be OK with it, Mom can't handle even small breaches of the ice cream rules so she DEFINITELY won't be OK with this... Children need to learn that there are different rules with different adults and their parents can be OK with that. They need to see that they can break certain rules and the parents will still love them, & be glad they told. They need to enjoy their ice cream cone, not be in fear that mom or dad will find out & somehow "punish" them, or with guilt for going against Mom's wishes (because if it wasn't that bad, Grandma wouldn't say, "Don't tell!") Why not just say, "Hey, let's have a special treat, we'll have ice cream before dinner!" and leave out the "Don't tell!" part??? Why not enforce for the kid that she can tell any of the trusted adults in her life ANYTHING she wants or needs to, and they will always be there for her?

[journeymom]

What a shame you're still dealing with this. Is it possible to be (politely) blunt with your mil? Can you communicate those same points to her?  She has to know that earning your trust must come first. For the sake of making a concrete point, you might inform (warn) her that she's on notice.

She sounds childish. Does she hide or lie about other things? Hopefully she won't value 'getting her way' or getting away with it, over her grand daughter.

And where is your dh in this? Is he going to object if you insist his mom behave? Is he on the same page with you, so he can tell her the same thing? 

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by ilovemygirl 

Thanks for all the replies. This response from crunchy mommy says it best for what I was trying to get at. I had to set some ground rules ... again! I HATE that they keep making me out to be the bad guy who won't let them have fun with the grandkids but they just won't stop pushing the boundaries of what I feel comfortable with. 

Quote:

This is a red flag (among many others that pp have already commented on). They don't care about your silly rules. They don't care what boundaries you've put up. They just want you out of the picture so they can take your kids and do as they please.  If this is what they do right in front of you what are they telling/ doing with your kids when you are not around?  It's undermining your parenting, shoving you aside as if your preferences don't matter, and doing whatever they please. It could all be relatively harmless. Or it could not.  I wouldn't trust them a bit until they can show you that they respect your authority. 

I no longer trust the IL's to watch our children.  It was nothing major, just little things. The straw that broke the camels back was when they stayed over at MIL and FIL's house for two nights.  When I went to pick them up, I find out that they stayed one night at MIL and FIL's and one night at SIL and BIL's.  No one ever bothered to tell me, let alone ask.  I wouldn't have minded if they had asked, that wasn't the issue.  It was the fact that they didn't feel I needed to know where my kids were.  I also suspect they didn't think I would agree to it, so they just went ahead and did it anyways. That crap doesn't fly with me.

Over Christmas, we were eating dinner and MIL has this annoying habit of making sure everyone has everything they need at dinner. We're all adults, we're capable of finding what we need, and ensuring our children have what they need. MIL asks if DS would like some oyster crackers.  I said "he's fine, no thanks".  FIL takes it upon himself to grab a handful of the crackers and set it on his tray. I promptly picked them back up and tossed them on the floor to the dogs. Again, it's not that the oyster crackers were a big deal, it was the fact that I had said no and they did not respect my authority.

[Quinalla]

I can see silly "Don't tell mom I gave you an extra cookie" secrets being fun for everyone, but giving kids something food or otherwise you've said no to explicitly? That's about their lack of respect for you and would make me furious. It's ok if they think you are being overprotective, it is completely unacceptable for them to ignore your rules for your kids, they are your kids! I'm glad you had a talk with them, but I'd be on high alert for repeat behavior and if they can't respect your wishes, I wouldn't leave kids alone with them. Sorry you are having to deal with this!