"Leave Me Alone!"

[nwatt]

My 3yo DD is having some MAJOR behaviors that I would like to help her work through, but I have no idea how. 

The main one I am having problems with is that when I am trying to talk her through a situation, like not being able to take a toy from her brothers, she starts screaming, tantruming, and yelling "Leave me alone!".

I have no idea what the best way to handle this is.

I would also appreciate any recommendations for resources on how to deal with all the typical behaviors that come with 3yos.

Thank you!!!

[Xerxella]

I read an article (I think it was on MDC) about how sometimes a child just needs to tantrum. And, sometimes when they give you an impossible answer... (Do you want your shoes on or off? NO!!!!) ...then the only answer is to step back and just give them the "permission" to lose it and tantrum.

So, you need to say, "I know you don't want me here right now, but in this family we treat each other kindly. Now, you need to give the toy back to your brother." Insert tantrum. Sit with her and wait it out. I'm always surprised that when I just open my arms at this point, my 3 year old will climb in them and let me hug her and rock her while she screams her head off. She'll usually keep saying how she doesn't want to give the toy back. And, I'll parrot back to her, how she really, really, REALLY doesn't want to give the toy back! And, how it's so sad that we don't have 2 toys so that they can both have one, but we don't. And, in this family, we are always kind to each other and we don't take things from other people. You wouldn't like it if he took the toy from you and I wouldn't let him do that, either. And, I know you're really, really, REALLY sad/mad about how she has to give the toy back. Etc.

These things can take awhile. But, in the end, IMO, you have to sit through it all and make her give the toy back. I think that's one of the most important steps. The message being, it's ok to feel the way you feel, but there are rules in our house and we all must follow them.

[crunchy_mommy]

Have you read up on right brain/left brain? There is a theory (that I have found to be true with DS) -- when your child is operating in right-brain mode, you need to connect with them from the right-brain side, as in provide comfort, empathy, etc., THEN you can try to talk through it logically (left-brain). It sounds like you are trying to appeal to her logical side when she is just incapable of accessing that part of her in the moment, since she's too caught up in emotions.

Here's the book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies/dp/0553807919

It's kind of like if you have a bad day, and all you want is a hug, but your DH insists on problem-solving every aspect of it and coming up with solutions. Sometimes you don't want logic and solutions, you just want a good cry, and you want your DH to just hold you.

There was an article on MDC awhile back, Cry for Connection, that might help you too. http://www.mothering.com/community/a/cry-for-connection