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OMG. She had his baby.

post #1 of 29
Thread Starter 

Hello All,

 

I have posted a thread about this before and for some reason got nervous about it and deleted.  I had just found out about the whole thing so I was feeling very emotional and vulnerable.

 

I am not sure how to handle this.  I am not sure what I want to do.  I do know that I am exhausted in all ways...physically, emotionally, and mentally. 

 

My story.  H had an affair in 2010 that lasted 8 months (to my knowledge).  It was a very serious affair.  They had plans to live together...even got an apartment.  At the last moment, not sure why, he decided that he wanted to work things out with me.  Maybe he got cold feet?  Nervous?  IDK.  He confessed the affair to me first week in October.  I am not even sure how I processed it all...its all a blur now.  Weird how that is.  But in my eyes, he was not very remorseful for what he had done.  He started out by saying that the reason for it was that I did not give him any affection...  while he was out having his affair I was at working full time, raising to young children, and taking care of the house.  He said that he felt suicidal because of it and that the OW made him feel wanted.  Whatever.  He has never been an active participant in the care for our children.   Especially not at that time.  I did a really bad thing by not dealing with it like I should have.  The affair was kinda just swept under the rug and never spoken about again.  I told him that I wanted us to stay together - be a family.  Its been about two years since all of this and it has been a long, anxiety filled two years.  I do not trust him. He gets very defensive when I even ask him anything about OW.  There was never any "transparent phase" as I have read about in many blogs and boards.  So I have kind of dealt with this all on my own.  Which hasn't been very well.  I still have thoughts of them being together, about why I wasn't good enough, about how can he be so cruel to me (he treated me very badly during that time).  I guess I never really forgave him completely. 

 

I had just started having more "peaceful" moments recently.  Even though I still didn't trust him fully I was feeling better.  The "visions"(of them together)  were not coming so often.  Well about mid Oct. he dropped the biggest of all bombs.  He admitted that they had a child together!!!  This child, a girl, according to what he has told me is 15 months old.  So all of this time, he has been visiting and picking up this child.  I am not sure what made him tell me.  Maybe he was tired of having that monkey on his back so to speak.  It was getting to hard to keep her a secret.  IDK. 

 

I do not know how to deal with this.  I am sick to my stomach.  My anxiety is through the roof.  I have lost ten pounds in three weeks.  I am sick with worry, disgust...  How can he do this to me?  Doesn't he love me?  Should I feel happy that he chose me and not her.  He gets so agitated when I ask him anything pertaining to Ow or OC.  He will say "why do you wanna know" Even how old she is is sketchy.  For all I know she was conceived after he admitted the affair to me.  He has been very vague with everything.  He also claimed that he only saw her every 4 weeks or so...but I don't believe that either.  This child calls him da...she has no qualms about leaving with him.  Nothing.  I totally believe that he saw/sees her more often than he is telling me.  IDK what kind of relationship he has with OW.  He claims that she hates him but she has no qualms about calling him either when the OC is sick. 

 

I have only known about this for a few weeks and i am so torn, so heartbroken, my soul is so shattered.  I am not sure if I can pick up these pieces and make it work.  I am so sad and hurt...and I wanna be angry...

 

This is not the man I married.  I feel like I dont even know him anymore.  He is this person who has broken me into so many pieces...I am just trying to keep myself together for my boys.  They are young.  What are they gonna think?  How do you even explain this?

 

In some ways I am so hurt not only for the obvious but I feel like that should have been our little girl.  For some time I wanted to try for a girl but wouldn't because I felt our financial situation was just not able to support another child.  Now here he is.  Getting to experience having a daughter.  Ugh.

 

I just don't even know where to start.  Why am I not enough?

post #2 of 29
Holy cow. That is so off the charts. And I am so sorry you're in this situation. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, but if it were me I would end things with him immediately and put as much distance between you as possible. What he's done is just so... I don't have words. How on earth could he even live w himself all this time?

Big, big hugs for you, mama!
post #3 of 29
The way I see it is there are basically only two options: 1) Either leave him for good or 2) Acceptance & making peace with the situation.

Its a very emotional situation. Maybe try to put emotions aside to get a fresh view on things. I think you really have to make a choice on what to do, actually make a choice to do something whatever that something is because from what you said this is really taking a toll on your health and I'm sure that you don't want to be living stressed out like this long-term. It seems like this has already been negatively affecting you for way longer than enough.

Also remember that everyone has control over their own emotions. Everyone has the ability to create their own happiness. Let go of the past. Its done & it cannot be changed. How you feel about the past can be changed though. Live in the present moment. Plan for the future but do not worry about it.

I know its easier said than done, but try to take a deep breath & just relax & do not stress out about it all. Instead, make a decision on what to do in order to overcome all of this, relieve your stress and give yourself peace & happiness. Remember that this all comes from within yourself; it does not come from other people.

The answer may be as simple as just accepting the past and changing the way you're thinking it and to just "let it be" and "let go" and find peace.

Also don't be so hard on yourself asking why you aren't enough as if there is something wrong that you did. You know you didn't do anything wrong & there is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes relationship don't work out. Actually a lot of times they don't work out and that is ok.
post #4 of 29
Quote:
I just don't even know where to start.  Why am I not enough?

 

YOU ARE TOO MUCH for him!!!!! NEVER doubt that. You have been raising his children, working full time...what does he have to complain about? The man you describe sounds like a patholgoical liar, with no morals and integrity, there are no limits to his poor behaviour!

 

Don't dwell on thoughts like that, you're making it all about HIM. Steer all your thoughts on what you want and DESERVE and your children!

post #5 of 29

I'm going to ramble and admit some stuff here and maybe it'll help, I don't know.

 

Before my ex and I seperated I was pretty low. I was very shy around guys and socially awkward (who would have thought? a computer nerd?) so the first guy I kissed or held hands with was when I was 20. I moved in with him and moved to texas in a big part for him. He "gaslighted" me (told me I didn't read enough, or didn't read the right things, didn't talk enough, talked too much, talked about unimportant things) he always had a complaint that ended up in tears and me apologising and promising to be better and him holding all the power. During the ehh...1.5yrs we dated he would withhold sex....FREQUENTLY. I'm talking a nightly *look down* "can you stop that? i'm trying to read/sleep/play games/whaterver" for weeks at a time before giving in.

we broke up and I started dating my now ex. pretty much from the get go I was lucky to get sex once every 2 weeks....by the time my first son was born (only because I woke him up out of a sound sleep and he was unable to say no before his body took over the thinking part) I gave up asking and 18 months went by before I caved and begged.

It was humiliating to tell my midwife i couldn't possibly be wrong with my dates for #2 as we'd only had sex once in 18+ months. twice in over 3 years because I cornered ex and got him drunk and again....before his brain kicked in and he refused.

now, picture ex being 6' tall, 350lbs, showering once every 2 weeks and no longer wearing deo, refusing to cut his finger and toe nails for long periods because he was convinced it would cause him to get nail fungus. we live in texas.....so he REAKED, had long(ish) nails always rimmed in black dirt, and kept getting mrsa staph infections.

You couldn't talk to him either because everything...EVERYTHING was me somehow insulting him "did you burp the baby?" was somehow a slight against him. What wasn't an insult was greeted by some illogical reasoning "we can't open the windows because of ____" "I can't shower because it makes my skin itchy" "I won't wear the dove deo the doc you forced me to go see reccomended because I've always used degree, but degree is making my pits itch" etc.

If you google hard enough you can find a pic of me, but I have been told I stand out in a crowd, i'm 5'9 and maybe 140lbs, pale skin and nearly black curly hair.

I gained 70lbs with both pregnancies and lost it. I have a very curvy figure and long legs.

 

To be turned down by a man like this every day for months at a time (until I stopped asking) as well as gaining 140lbs and baby weight etc for a girl with already shaky self esteem, added onto the fact I was 2 for 2....you can imagine what a bad place I was in.

 

I met a married coworker at a yearly company meeting when I first started. baby was 6-7m old at the time (flew mom there to watch him for me during meeting) and I was still holding onto baby weight. he was ALL over me. tried to booty txt me after a night of drinking and he was back in his hotel room....I didn't know who it was since I didn't have his number.

I didn't know he was married at the time btw.

 

The following 6 months or so (still married during this time) we ended up talking for a good 30+ min every day on the way to work respectively, and on the way home. talked all day via IM and txt. He lived on the other side of the country and I found out he was married, but at the same time I was SOOO hungry for affection, conversation, and to be honest I was to the point where I never thought any man would find me sexually attractive. i mean if my ex didnt......

I ended up going to his city about a month before a very dramatic seperation with my ex (he never knew btw) and sleeping with said married man.

 

I always ALWAYS said that i'd never sleep with a married man because I wouldn't do that to another woman....etc. But I had the argument with myself because I DID like him, I was beyond starved for that sort of attention, and I realized that if it wasn't me....it would have been someone else.

 

His wife keeps TIGHT tabs on him. She's constantly wanting to know where he is and what he's doing. She suspects he is up to no good. But she is completely blind to the fact he is bold as brass. I made (atleast that he's admitted to me) number 5 in the long list of women he cheated with physically. One was a good friend from college that he slept with before me, and she flew down to her babyshower and he skyped me while she was away.

He spent many a night out drinking late and chatting up strippers (i'm told by other coworkers) and after I broke off communication with him he was still posting msgs on my facebook trying to get back into my pants.

she was pregnant with a surprise second baby and when he got the call to rush to the hospital because she was in early labor he spent the next 3hrs texting me because he didn't want me upset because he wouldn't be able to call me after work per usual.

 

I assumed that given his history (not knowing the full extent mind you) I could have a no strings attached relationship. he was across the country and unavailable to me, but fed my ego that was diminished to the point of no return. He was the one proclaiming his love for me several months into this nearly 2yr relationship.

I was the one he called when he was sick (and I mean REALLY sick without going into too much detail here) for comfort. He told me he wished he'd met me before his wife...etc.

 

When in a fit of emotional S+M I asked him how they ended up together, as they were so very different. He said that they were setup by coworkers and HATED eachother prior. they dated for awhile but she broke up with him (presumably for his partying ways) and 6m later called him out of the blue to see how he was, and shortly thereafter her proposed.

He figured if she would put up with him, he should marry her. besides everyone on both sides of the families were expecting him to.

 

They had been married for 14 or 15 years at the time of our affair. I'd bet money he's had atleast 1 or 2 since that point.

I think he cares for her in a sick way, but he's entirely selfish and acts like a child most of the time. He likes the thrill emotionally and physically. And I think he likes the reassurance that no matter what he does or she suspects he's doing....he continues to get away with it. bolstering his ego that she "loves him that much"

 

Do I think he'll EVER leave his wife for anyone? nope. Will he fight to keep her? absolutely. Will he continue to keep it in his pants? I highly doubt it. I would see him trying to win her favors back and romancing her while having sex with another woman.

Do I think he loved me when he said he did? I really think he did. We certainly had a very deep connection emotionally, but it's like when you are a kid....it's easy to develop an emotional connection with someone when you don't have the overhead of adult life (bills, house, etc) in the way. It's easy to have an emotional connection when you are talking to the person 10hrs a day itching to be together physically.

If I had ended up pregnant and giving birth, I would bet he'd be doing the same things your husband is doing now. Lying about pregnacy and birth until he was caught and then making it seem like it was wife's fault for not knowing or being upset. He would continue to sneak around to see said child and be offended if she asked about it.

He would probably continue to have sex with me all the while saying how he liked my home better and wished he could live life with the baby and me.....etc.

 

The point of the story is that it's NEVER about you, it's about him.

It has nothing to do with whatever you brought to the table, or how much you ment to him.

 

Seems like a lot of men who do this are like the married man I dated (? is that even possible? whatever it was anyway) where they often have low self esteem they try to compensate with swagger and big talk. They enjoy the fact they can keep the women they abuse hanging on no matter what bad stuff they do to them.....and enjoy the thrill of the chase and the "new" love and relationship.

It is NEVER the wife.

Doesn't matter what excuses he has. Thats the part that makes me the angriest....the excuses. "you were not affectionate" or "we only have sex once a week!" its a way they justify their actions...plain and simple.

 

if there was a problem with you, he would have (And should have) divorced first. Married men that are unhappy with their wives get divorced. Married men that need their egos stroked cheat.

 

Its up to you how you proceed, but as with my cautionary tale told from the OW perspective - generally once a cheater always a cheater.

And even if he doesn't cheat, it'll be really really REALLY hard not to expect the worse all the time.

post #6 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by Basylica View Post
The point of the story is that it's NEVER about you, it's about him.

It has nothing to do with whatever you brought to the table, or how much you ment to him.

 

I think this is correct. it's about him. There's another saying... when people show you who they are believe them.

 

He's showing you he can't be trusted. She cares if you 'won' him. He is lying, disrespectful, cheating, etc. I know you have a history with him and children but honestly if it were me I'd be saying to the other woman "you can have him" and find someone who will actually respect and love you like you should be treated.

 

I can tell your self esteem is in tatters over this man. It's nothing you did. He's showing he doesn't have the same values as you and it's not going to work. He had no remorse. No reason to change. He's going to keep doing this over and over to you until you put up a boundary and tell him this is not how you are to be treated. You can only do that by leaving him and moving on with your life. Cutting contact as much as possible (even though he will still have access to the children) and move on. It will not be easy but looking back I think you'll be in a better life in the long term. A lot of us didn't want out marriages to end, it can be a difficult road as a single parent, but we are better out of these demeaning, anxiety-riddled relationships that are not adding to our lives.

 

I think this site is worth a look. It's a lot about self esteem and boundaries and healthy relationships. Also how to identify horrible behavior you should not be putting up with. Tons of articles there and free. It's been very helpful to me to move on.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

post #7 of 29
Quote:
A lot of us didn't want out marriages to end, it can be a difficult road as a single parent, but we are better out of these demeaning, anxiety-riddled relationships that are not adding to our lives.

This is very well put, and very true. Keep it in mind, even if its hard for you to imagine. Now that I'm separated, I can see how true this is.

 

Quote:

Do I think he loved me when he said he did? I really think he did. We certainly had a very deep connection emotionally, but it's like when you are a kid....it's easy to develop an emotional connection with someone when you don't have the overhead of adult life (bills, house, etc) in the way. It's easy to have an emotional connection when you are talking to the person 10hrs a day itching to be together physically.

If I had ended up pregnant and giving birth, I would bet he'd be doing the same things your husband is doing now.

I also think this is very true.

post #8 of 29

On the self esteem aspect, i've gone somewhat full circle - in part I think due to the affair. I'm certainly not proud of it, but I also don't regret it personally.

I thought it was my fault, what was I doing wrong, was I so horrible that even a stinky dirty 350lb man who married me didn't want to have sex with me?

I'd dated only two men and both refused me sex.

 

I came across an article one day several years ago that talked about passive agressive behavior in men and withholding sex and it clicked. I never thought of him as PA...the first yes, but I then realized that it had NOTHING whatsoever to do with me or my attractiveness level. That infact intelligent attractive men think I am as well.

 

Its almost a form of torture to expose someone to something like that mentally. For me, the last 4-5 years have been the BEST and most secure i've been my entire life. My ex took off with the kids and left me holding bills, had ransaked the house and bank acct, etc and it cost me 30K just responding to him in court (he probably spent 40+ of his parents money)

 

now my income has quadrupled since 6 years ago, doubled since the seperation 5yrs ago. I have money in savings, I am paying for the house and a brand new car and the kids and I live in relative comfort and I no longer feel like atlas holding up the weight of the world.

He worked, but only 8hrs exactally and would come home and sit and play video games in his socks and undies and leave piles of trash (some of which I wasn't allowed to throw out, another logic deal with him) and ignore me and the kids.

I did all the cooking/cleaning/bills/babies/earned majority of income, auto work for both cars, mowed lawn....etc

it's actually LESS work being a single mom to a 5 and 8yr old than mom to a 30yr old and two babies.

 

It was really rough for the first year, and he still likes to play power struggle games to punish me, but i am SOOOOO much happier. I feel lucky that I learned that lesson in life.

 

Hopefully whatever direction you choose you can look back at this as a really good chance to learn and grow mentally/emotionally.

for me, it taught me the value of myself. I hope this ends up doing the same for you.

 

You are a GOOD PERSON who doesn't deserved to be treated this way.

Repeat that to youself about 10x a day....you need to hear it. a LOT.

post #9 of 29
I'm with the rest. Run. While I know affairs are hard to get past, having to see the child and ow on a regular basis, is going to be extremely hard to get past.

Also believe once a cheater always a cheater.
post #10 of 29

I thought a lot about this thread over the weekend.  First, big HUGS to you.  I cannot even imagine what you're going through.

 

Basically, this is how I look at your situation as an outsider...the affair is one thing.  I think couples can get through affairs if BOTH parties are willing to work on the marriage.  However, one person forgiving the "offender" and the "offender" exhibiting no remorse?  I don't see how the marriage can survive.

 

Having a child with another woman and NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT IT?!?  OMG.  I can't believe he thinks that you don't deserve to know anything more about the situation.  Unbelievable nerve!!!

 

Is his name on the birth certificate?  Does he pay child support?  Is there a legal agreement in place?  It is most likely that he will be held legally responsible for this child until she is 18.  If you stay married to him, then you are certainly entitled to know (and have input in) how this situation affects your life.

 

And I want to reiterate from PPs, this has NOTHING to do with you.  This is all about him; not you.

post #11 of 29

Wow, mama. I'm so so sorry you have been through all of this.

 

I have not been through an affair or anything of that sort (that I know about). But I spent all of yesterday going through almost a decade of posts I wrote here on MDC about my life and struggles with X. I had to write an affidavit about the many ways in which X was abusive.

 

Reading your post reminded me of so many of my old posts. The similarity is a way of thinking. It is a mental framework common among abused women. "Why am I not good enough?" "Why did he do this?" "Doesn't he love me?" It is all so painfully familiar. The problem is, this is simply how you (I, and so many of us) think. It is how he has chiselled away your self-confidence, your sense of self-worth, leaving you begging to know what you did to deserve this.  

 

I have been physically separated from my X for just 2 months now. It took me all those years of posting about my misery and struggles and inability to take control of MY life before I finally managed to end the marriage. But each day I get a better sense of just how entrenched I was. When you are in the thick of it, you feel so torn and you just can't seem to figure out what is the right thing to do. It feels impossible to know what to do. You have acquiesced for so long that you no longer have the confidence in yourself to KNOW what to do. (you may on one level 'know' what you should do, but you are unable to trust it). You will read/hear so many people tell you what you should do, but you will not be able to KNOW that is what you should do because your framework does not allow you to have so much conviction.

 

You sound so hurt and confused. I wish I could comfort you and ease your pain somehow. If you're not already, please get yourself to a therapist or counsellor. Your mental health is worth debt at this point. I would suggest that he sounds abusive and you may benefit from meeting with a domestic violence counsellor. Violence is not defined solely by physical violence. Violence is words, power, control, deceit. No DV counsellor would tell you you should not have come if the power dynamic of your relationship was so skewed that all of this happened. So, call your local shelter and ask to meet with a counsellor.

 

Then, as awful and strange as it may feel, have a consultation with a family lawyer. Call several, tell them you are thinking about ending your marriage and considering hiring a family lawyer and would like an initial consultation. I don't have too much experience canvassing lawyers because I qualified for Legal Aid Services (if you're not working and you guys don't own your house you might be eligible), but some may provide a free initial consultation. For me, it was so helpful in my decision to speak to a lawyer. It began my process of discovering just how walked all over I had been.... You have significant rights!

 

Then, take care of yourself. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Is there anyone who can take the kids for a few hours while you go for a walk, go shopping, go to the gym, out with friends?  One of the best things you can do is build yourself a network. This includes professional, but also friends and family. Reach out, and I'm sure you will be surprised by how many reach back to help. 

 

I had my first panic attack going to see my lawyer for the first time. I got a prescription for that and I carry them in my pocket at all times.... just in case. It's a small security blanket, but it helps to know it's there.

 

Please let us know how you are doing. I worried about you after seeing your deleted post. I'm glad you got the courage to share. It's the first step. You are stronger than you realize. Really. You have way more inside of you than you know.  You're going to be ok and you will get through this and you will heal and you will be better than ever.

 

xoxoxo I'm thinking of you.

post #12 of 29
Thread Starter 

Hi Everyone.  Thank you all so, so, so much for your replies and kind words.  I have set up an appointment with a therapist for next week and am looking forward to going.  I am hoping to gain some clarity about this situation so that it can provide me some strength.

 

He has continued to be vague about this whole situation.  Anytime I ask him anything about it - the smallest of things - he gets irritated and upset.  He feels that "why do you wanna know?" and "it doesn't concern you".  When I know it most definitely does.  I have told him so but he doesn't see it that way.  Since his news of the OC, he has seen her on several occasions.  I don't know if he let the OW know that he has finally told me about it but it seems since she has called him several times to pick up the baby from DC because shes sick (an ow is at work) and once he spent five hours at the emergency because the ow called him to tell him she was on her way there with the child because she was running a really high fever.  I think to myself...the three of them (perfect little family) sat in the emergency room for five hours together.  What did they possibly talk about? 

 

I have no idea if they are still seeing each other in that way.  But I have my suspicions.  I am most certain that if I were to leave and he told her she would do everything in her power to see that he goes with her. 

 

He has tried making arrangements twice for the child to come to our home.  As much as that pains me, as much as anxiety and knots in my stomach that gives me, I have to see her more so out of curiousity and because I feel like I should so that I can see how old she is...so that I can find out for sure when she was concieved (before or after he told me of the affair).  He will not tell me her age.  He says he can't remember.  Can't remember her birthday and can't even remember the month she was born.  I heard from a third party she was 15 months.  I gotta see it for myself.  This probably sounds silly and like I'm setting myself up for more hurt but its just something I have to do.

 

Since he told me he has gone about his business as if nothing.  He actually looks much more relaxed...he's gotten the monkey off his back so no more secret visits over there.  Like he's told me so let just go back to normalcy like nothing has happened.

 

Once again, thank you for "listening".  I do not have any friends to confide in.  My whole life has been about him and raising my kids.  I will update again at some point.  I really hope going to therapy helps and gives me the strength that I need.  I feel like the biggest doormat ever and like I have Stupid written on my forehead. 
 

post #13 of 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by chikeemomma View Post

He has tried making arrangements twice for the child to come to our home.  As much as that pains me, as much as anxiety and knots in my stomach that gives me, I have to see her more so out of curiousity and because I feel like I should so that I can see how old she is...so that I can find out for sure when she was concieved (before or after he told me of the affair).  He will not tell me her age.  He says he can't remember.  Can't remember her birthday and can't even remember the month she was born.  I heard from a third party she was 15 months.  I gotta see it for myself.  This probably sounds silly and like I'm setting myself up for more hurt but its just something I have to do.

 

Just one thought to add to this. First, you're not silly for feeling the need to see her. I can't help but feel, though, that you should give yourself more time to have support in place. My thought, though, is that I am concerned about your children and what bringing this other child to your home would mean for them. Do they know? Again, perhaps that is another reason to be sure you wait before doing this.

 

You are not a doormat. You are a valuable human, a strong woman, and a devoted mother. He is the one most aptly described with labels such as "loser". You have done nothing wrong. He has done everything wrong. 

 

I am really really concerned about your emotional wellbeing. To have this in your life and and in your face every day is not healthy. Is there family you can go visit for a while? His lies and aversions and aloofness are all very dangerous to your health. It is great that you have an appointment with a therapist next week. I'm worried about you from now until then. I don't know where you live, but I'm guessing somewhere in the states. I know there must be several national hotlines in the states available to call for support. Again, your local shelter could really help you right now.  I did not reach out to my dv shelters for a very long time because they were called "The Battered Women's Support Services" and "The Rape Relief Crisis Centre".... none of these seemed to apply to me, I thought.  But once I was pushed to contact them, I realized that their names are misleading. These dv shelters, centres, etc. are for all women who have experienced or who are experiencing the consequences of gross imbalances of power within their intimate relationships. That is definitely you, mama.  All I did to start the process of contact was make the initial call. They will know how to handle your situation and how to give you support. Just call and tell them you are in a really difficult situation and you need some support.  You need to reach out.  You need to do it for yourself and for your children, because they need you right now, too.  I know how fragile you must feel right now, so I hope I'm not putting so much pressure on you that you feel even more like crumbling. I just want you to know that there are people out there who have committed their lives to help women like you. Sadly, you're not alone and there are far too many men out there who take advantage of women in awful ways, like your H has done to you. 

 

At the very least, keep posting here. We're here. I'm here. If you want to be more private, private message me instead. Feel free to rant here. Get it out. 

 

Big huge hugs, mama. You're going to be ok.  xo
 

post #14 of 29
How are you doing, mama? I've been thinking of you!
post #15 of 29
Thread Starter 

Hello Ladies,

 

I am so thankful to you all for your kind words and support.  It's amazing how people who don't even know me can be so kind...I'm not used to that. 

 

I am hanging in there.  I did have my first therapy appt. this week.  It felt good to vent to an unbiased person who would not pass judgement.  I am so confused.  He has opened up a little more since he first told me and has answered some more questions that I was having...now whether or not he is being truthful is a different story.  Basically he said that at this point he is pretty much at her beckon call as to when he can see the OC.  He never knows when she is going to call and "offer" her for a visit.  He pretty much just has to wait around the phone and hope that she calls.  He has seen her quite a bit since he told me about her.  I asked him about it and he just said that the OW has called him more often since the OC is now starting to ask for him more.  Ugh.  He did tell me that the OW knows that I know now and all she is worried about is that she not be alienated from her brothers (MY sons).  That "B" all of a sudden is being so self righteous about things.  That she better know that she has brothers and she better be a part of them.  My ass.  The homewrecker she is.  IDTS.  I told him that my boys are not ready to meet her that they are too young and his idea of lying to them as to who she is (he wanted to bring her to our house) was not in the best interest of my boys.  I also told him that I was not ready to meet her.  I'm not sure when or if I ever will. 

 

My heart breaks for me and my sons.  When he came home from his last visit his face was glowing and he was grinning ear to ear.  I couldn't help but feel sick to my stomach.  I don't think I've ever seen that face with my boys. 

 

He's interested in establishing visitation so that he doesn't have to depend on her on when he can see the OC.  As my first posts states, he is currently unemployed so he is not paying CS.  Nor has the OW filed for it.  I told him that it was probably because she likes having him under her control.  If he established visitation I'm not sure how that is going to work out.  She's gonna spend the night at our house?  I am not sure I can handle that.  Please don't flame me for feeling this way...I know the OC is innocent but it is all so painful.

 

I am still processing and thinking about what I am going to do.  My heart breaks for my children...how will the endure the change if we were to go our separate ways...

post #16 of 29

Wow, what an asshole. Insisting this doesn't concern you? Your sons' half-sibling whom he is actively parenting doesn't concern you?

 

I believe marriages can survive infidelities. But this is much more than that. You don't deserve this treatment.

post #17 of 29
Have you thought about asking him to leave? You work and pay the bills, right? If he was just gone tomorrow, would it mess you up in terms of having a roof over your heads and being able to cover childcare? I looked back through your first post and couldn't find whether you had said if he's got a good relationship with your boys. If so, I could see that that could slow you down.

Are you still entertaining the idea of making a marriage/family with him work? If so, why? Do you love him?

I'm asking bc I cannot imagine how he could possibly still be there treating you like crap after all this. OTOH, maybe there is something I'm not getting about the relationship, like maybe he's really lovely with your children. Did he expect that he'd tell you and then go on life as usual?
post #18 of 29
Thread Starter 

Yes, I believe he expected to tell me and that all would go on fine and dandy.  He has an okay relationship with our children.  Not like he ignores them or anything but it's not like he sits on the floor and plays with them or read them books or anything.  Sometimes he's here but we can't tell.  He says he is very stressed about being unemployed.  He's been to many interviews but no call backs yet.  He mentioned yet that it pains him that he can support the OC....or anyone for that matter.  He wants to find a job and be able to help maintain our household and pay CS.  I'm not sure how that's gonna happen.  Where we live, good paying jobs are scarce.  Now that a percentage of his check will eventually be going to the OC...where does that leave us?  How is he going to help support his family?  There won't be enough left.  This just pains me in all ways. 

 

I cannot maintain this household by myself.  We are currently receiving help from family members - his side.  I thank God for them everyday.  They have been very generous in helping us out to keep what we have otherwise I don't know where we would be.  I myself cannot afford both childcare, vehicle, and mortgage.  Theres no way. 

 

Probably to you all surprise, I do love this man but am so hurt by what he has done.  I feel like he has changed the person that I am forever.  I have put up severe walls of protection, I don't trust him whatsoever, and I feel like what we had (even after finding about what I thought was JUST the affair) is never going to be the same.  Like I could forgive the affair but I am not so sure I can endure the pain that this is causing me.
 

post #19 of 29
Well, that sucks. I wish you were independently wealthy and didn't feel like you we're depending on him.

I am wondering if there's any way that the OW could get child support payments from you. He doesn't have income personally but it could be seen as a debt incurred during the marriage, so I think it's possible.

I can't imagine how you can be living together as a couple. It seems like that has got to be making things harder on you. I have to tell you I am really disliking this guy.
post #20 of 29

You are in a very painful situation. I honestly can't comprehend how you are coping day to day. Trust is the foundation of love. Please keep seeing your therapist as regularly as possible. One thing I've learned from the breakdown of my marriage is that the tensions that I thought were oblivious to our children were, in fact, deeply felt by them. We are still transitioning, but it has become clear that the children were suffering.... not to mention my own realizations about my own suffering. While this transition period is very difficult and painful, it has become a healing process. I feared so much the pain I would inflict upon my children by ending our marriage, when really I was making them suffer by staying.  

 

I know your story is yours, not mine, and it is very unique. But I hope that some 'been there, done that' insight might help you on your journey. Can you and your children heal within the status quo arrangements? What is best for you?

 

When I started my journey to single parenting, I had just started Al-Anon (for people affected by the alcoholism of family/friends). At each meeting we meditate on the serenity prayer. The first time I heard it, I KNEW what I had to do.

 

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Consult a lawyer or get legal advice as soon as you can. You need to know what your children's rights are and what your rights are. If you are struggling financially then you must be able to access free legal advice. I know that seeking legal advice likely makes you feel like you need to have made the decision to separate already, but it doesn't. Legal stuff is actually much more empowering and open and flexible than I had anticipated. Regardless of your decision, you need to protect yourself so that you and your children do not end up paying for his lies and cheating, let alone other things. You can't trust him. If you can't trust him now, I firmly believe that you haven't seen anything yet. Men who can cheat on their wives and lie and manipulate them are capable of extreme deceipt that us morally-grounded women cannot even imagine. You need to take charge of things for your sake and for your children's.

 

Another strong suggestion: Document everything! I know it will feel so cumbersome to write anything down when really you just want to go to sleep. But do it. Write the date and things he said or things he did related to your marriage, trust, the OW, the child, your children, the future, the past, etc. Document the phone calls - how many from the OW. Document his visits with the child. Document any questions your children ask about your H and how much time he spends with them. Document what he does around the house - the chores. If you can keep a log for a couple of weeks of chores and time spent with the kids, that would be excellent. Those details will be powerful in many ways. First, if any legal action arises, you will have extremely strong documentation to refer to. If a custody legal action arises regarding your children (say H decides he wants to live with OW instead and wants your children most of the time), you will have the documentation to show his level of involvement in their lives versus yours. There are legal actions that could arise that you couldn't possibly predict right now.... that happened to me. I posted on MDC a ridiculous amount and from that I had copious amounts of documentation to put into my personal affidavit (a personal statement about a particular issue related to a legal action.... in my case it was a legal action to get court ordered medical consent so that my ds1 could get psychological treatment because his father was refusing to give his consent and both parents had to consent).

 

Also, documenting as much as you can provided me with a reference. I was able to look back and be reminded of all the many little things that X did that were unhealthy, mean, excessive, etc. Documenting gave me clarity when I kept getting sucked back into believing that maybe he's not really that bad, or maybe I'm exaggerating, or maybe I'm being too critical, or....  It can also help your children. If you document things they say that may be related, you can return to what you wrote a few weeks or months down the road and notice a pattern, or re-listen to something they said with new ears, etc.

 

I've got to go, but I hope you are being kind to yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

 

Take care, mama. Please keep posting. It is

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