I'm going to ramble and admit some stuff here and maybe it'll help, I don't know.
Before my ex and I seperated I was pretty low. I was very shy around guys and socially awkward (who would have thought? a computer nerd?) so the first guy I kissed or held hands with was when I was 20. I moved in with him and moved to texas in a big part for him. He "gaslighted" me (told me I didn't read enough, or didn't read the right things, didn't talk enough, talked too much, talked about unimportant things) he always had a complaint that ended up in tears and me apologising and promising to be better and him holding all the power. During the ehh...1.5yrs we dated he would withhold sex....FREQUENTLY. I'm talking a nightly *look down* "can you stop that? i'm trying to read/sleep/play games/whaterver" for weeks at a time before giving in.
we broke up and I started dating my now ex. pretty much from the get go I was lucky to get sex once every 2 weeks....by the time my first son was born (only because I woke him up out of a sound sleep and he was unable to say no before his body took over the thinking part) I gave up asking and 18 months went by before I caved and begged.
It was humiliating to tell my midwife i couldn't possibly be wrong with my dates for #2 as we'd only had sex once in 18+ months. twice in over 3 years because I cornered ex and got him drunk and again....before his brain kicked in and he refused.
now, picture ex being 6' tall, 350lbs, showering once every 2 weeks and no longer wearing deo, refusing to cut his finger and toe nails for long periods because he was convinced it would cause him to get nail fungus. we live in texas.....so he REAKED, had long(ish) nails always rimmed in black dirt, and kept getting mrsa staph infections.
You couldn't talk to him either because everything...EVERYTHING was me somehow insulting him "did you burp the baby?" was somehow a slight against him. What wasn't an insult was greeted by some illogical reasoning "we can't open the windows because of ____" "I can't shower because it makes my skin itchy" "I won't wear the dove deo the doc you forced me to go see reccomended because I've always used degree, but degree is making my pits itch" etc.
If you google hard enough you can find a pic of me, but I have been told I stand out in a crowd, i'm 5'9 and maybe 140lbs, pale skin and nearly black curly hair.
I gained 70lbs with both pregnancies and lost it. I have a very curvy figure and long legs.
To be turned down by a man like this every day for months at a time (until I stopped asking) as well as gaining 140lbs and baby weight etc for a girl with already shaky self esteem, added onto the fact I was 2 for 2....you can imagine what a bad place I was in.
I met a married coworker at a yearly company meeting when I first started. baby was 6-7m old at the time (flew mom there to watch him for me during meeting) and I was still holding onto baby weight. he was ALL over me. tried to booty txt me after a night of drinking and he was back in his hotel room....I didn't know who it was since I didn't have his number.
I didn't know he was married at the time btw.
The following 6 months or so (still married during this time) we ended up talking for a good 30+ min every day on the way to work respectively, and on the way home. talked all day via IM and txt. He lived on the other side of the country and I found out he was married, but at the same time I was SOOO hungry for affection, conversation, and to be honest I was to the point where I never thought any man would find me sexually attractive. i mean if my ex didnt......
I ended up going to his city about a month before a very dramatic seperation with my ex (he never knew btw) and sleeping with said married man.
I always ALWAYS said that i'd never sleep with a married man because I wouldn't do that to another woman....etc. But I had the argument with myself because I DID like him, I was beyond starved for that sort of attention, and I realized that if it wasn't me....it would have been someone else.
His wife keeps TIGHT tabs on him. She's constantly wanting to know where he is and what he's doing. She suspects he is up to no good. But she is completely blind to the fact he is bold as brass. I made (atleast that he's admitted to me) number 5 in the long list of women he cheated with physically. One was a good friend from college that he slept with before me, and she flew down to her babyshower and he skyped me while she was away.
He spent many a night out drinking late and chatting up strippers (i'm told by other coworkers) and after I broke off communication with him he was still posting msgs on my facebook trying to get back into my pants.
she was pregnant with a surprise second baby and when he got the call to rush to the hospital because she was in early labor he spent the next 3hrs texting me because he didn't want me upset because he wouldn't be able to call me after work per usual.
I assumed that given his history (not knowing the full extent mind you) I could have a no strings attached relationship. he was across the country and unavailable to me, but fed my ego that was diminished to the point of no return. He was the one proclaiming his love for me several months into this nearly 2yr relationship.
I was the one he called when he was sick (and I mean REALLY sick without going into too much detail here) for comfort. He told me he wished he'd met me before his wife...etc.
When in a fit of emotional S+M I asked him how they ended up together, as they were so very different. He said that they were setup by coworkers and HATED eachother prior. they dated for awhile but she broke up with him (presumably for his partying ways) and 6m later called him out of the blue to see how he was, and shortly thereafter her proposed.
He figured if she would put up with him, he should marry her. besides everyone on both sides of the families were expecting him to.
They had been married for 14 or 15 years at the time of our affair. I'd bet money he's had atleast 1 or 2 since that point.
I think he cares for her in a sick way, but he's entirely selfish and acts like a child most of the time. He likes the thrill emotionally and physically. And I think he likes the reassurance that no matter what he does or she suspects he's doing....he continues to get away with it. bolstering his ego that she "loves him that much"
Do I think he'll EVER leave his wife for anyone? nope. Will he fight to keep her? absolutely. Will he continue to keep it in his pants? I highly doubt it. I would see him trying to win her favors back and romancing her while having sex with another woman.
Do I think he loved me when he said he did? I really think he did. We certainly had a very deep connection emotionally, but it's like when you are a kid....it's easy to develop an emotional connection with someone when you don't have the overhead of adult life (bills, house, etc) in the way. It's easy to have an emotional connection when you are talking to the person 10hrs a day itching to be together physically.
If I had ended up pregnant and giving birth, I would bet he'd be doing the same things your husband is doing now. Lying about pregnacy and birth until he was caught and then making it seem like it was wife's fault for not knowing or being upset. He would continue to sneak around to see said child and be offended if she asked about it.
He would probably continue to have sex with me all the while saying how he liked my home better and wished he could live life with the baby and me.....etc.
The point of the story is that it's NEVER about you, it's about him.
It has nothing to do with whatever you brought to the table, or how much you ment to him.
Seems like a lot of men who do this are like the married man I dated (? is that even possible? whatever it was anyway) where they often have low self esteem they try to compensate with swagger and big talk. They enjoy the fact they can keep the women they abuse hanging on no matter what bad stuff they do to them.....and enjoy the thrill of the chase and the "new" love and relationship.
It is NEVER the wife.
Doesn't matter what excuses he has. Thats the part that makes me the angriest....the excuses. "you were not affectionate" or "we only have sex once a week!" its a way they justify their actions...plain and simple.
if there was a problem with you, he would have (And should have) divorced first. Married men that are unhappy with their wives get divorced. Married men that need their egos stroked cheat.
Its up to you how you proceed, but as with my cautionary tale told from the OW perspective - generally once a cheater always a cheater.
And even if he doesn't cheat, it'll be really really REALLY hard not to expect the worse all the time.