OMG. She had his baby. - Page 2

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

Many years ago, I knew a married couple (just acquaintences) where they had been separated for a brief time, and the husband got a woman pregnant during that time.  The woman had the baby and the couple got back together, working out their differences.  The wife treats the child the same as her own.  The husband has some custody/visitation, so the child comes over and is loved exactly the same as their other two children.  I've seen it with my own eyes.  It is possible. 

However, chikeemomma, it sounds like your DH is abusive and you have a horrible relationship.  I strongly suggest you start making a plan for yourself to get out on your own.  Go talk to your county agency where you can get foodstamps/ subsidized housing/ subsidized childcare.  Move into a cheap apartment.  Sell the house if it's in your name.  File for child support - even if you can't expect to get any.  The child support agency will go after him on your children's behalf.  He'll end up in jail for not paying.

[motherhendoula]

I didnt read every word of all the above responses so please forgive a repeat - BUT, felt i had to say :

ANYONE WHO BLAMES YOU FOR HIS AFFAIR - is not really remorseful......     i say leave him to his OW and new baby daughter and get your sons and get this guy out of your life.   None of this is your fault.  These are HIS actions that you, your LO's and possibly other women and children are suffering from now.   Even this title - "She had his baby"   not "He got her pregnant" ???   because he did.  

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by chikeemomma 

My heart breaks for me and my sons.  When he came home from his last visit his face was glowing and he was grinning ear to ear.  I couldn't help but feel sick to my stomach.  I don't think I've ever seen that face with my boys. 

He's interested in establishing visitation so that he doesn't have to depend on her on when he can see the OC.  As my first posts states, he is currently unemployed so he is not paying CS.  Nor has the OW filed for it.  I told him that it was probably because she likes having him under her control.  If he established visitation I'm not sure how that is going to work out.  She's gonna spend the night at our house?  I am not sure I can handle that.  Please don't flame me for feeling this way...I know the OC is innocent but it is all so painful.

I am still processing and thinking about what I am going to do.  My heart breaks for my children...how will the endure the change if we were to go our separate ways...

Um, wow. He is an asshat. Your kids will be MUCH better off for you leaving this man.

You have a complete right to not want the OC to be at your house. You have a right to not want to have ANYTHING to do with this man, the OW or the OC. Really and truly.

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by motherhendoula 

Even this title - "She had his baby"   not "He got her pregnant" ???   because he did.  

Yes, this.

[beautifulnm]

What state are you in? 

[chikeemomma]

A no fault state

[A&A]

The OC won't ever have to spend a night under your roof if your h (ex-h) doesn't live with you, either.  He and the child can live/visit SOMEPLACE ELSE.  

[lilgreen]

Originally Posted by A&A 

The OC won't ever have to spend a night under your roof if your h (ex-h) doesn't live with you, either.  He and the child can live/visit SOMEPLACE ELSE.  

Yes. The other child will be taken care of. You do not have to have a relationship w her. Over time maybe, sure. But really, this is the best way to deal with this situation in my opinion, as well. I know he's not working (right?) but the logistics of the separation will sort out. Get a therapist,get a lawyer and the rest is on him. You are not responsible for worrying about where he'll live etc.

This really is the best solution. The transition will inevitably be tough for your kids but you all will get through it. And your home will be peaceful and content and honest and loving. No matter what, your kids will always have you and your love.

[rebecca_n]

what about marriage counseling? I don't think the OC is reallt the main problem, your husband is. Since you love him see what he says about counseling together. I know people have said churches offer it cheap or free. I just saw your other post and I started reading through your other ones. I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who did that but if you are going to then it would be in your best interest to get him communicating (and I know you've tried but I didn't read anything about counseling together). In the future is you stay together I can see talking (all the adults, maybe his family could watch the kids?) together and getting everything out in the open regarding what happened/what you will all have to do for these kids/boundaries ect). I am very very sorry you are going through this and wish you peace and happiness. Could you think of a backup plan for if you choose to split up like could you find a cheaper place to live (do you own- if so who's name, could you sell), when is your lease up if you're renting ect. Do you have your own bank accounts. I feel for you and am so sorry, but for a chance at making things work there has to be honesty. Trust can be worked on but without honesty it's not going to be there.