When is it time to give up on a marriage? - Page 2

[A&A]

Is he having one drink and then driving, or is he drinking enough to put himself legally over the limit?  If he's legally over the limit, and you know when he's driving, I'd call the police and report him.  Then when he has a DUI, it will be much easier to divorce him and get custody.  (And you will have spared whomever he may have hit that night).

[rightkindofme]

I would report him for DUI. He isn't putting *your* children at risk. He is putting everyone else on the road at risk. My brother was hit by a drunk driver. I think that drunk drivers are only worthy of being spit on.

[schoolmom07]

Originally Posted by whatdoido 

I have never thought of him as an alcoholic and I'm not sure that he is one.  He literally only drinks 2 or 3 times a month.  We don't keep alcohol at our house and he never orders one at a restaurant or when we go out.  It is only on the occasions that he goes out with his friends at night.  Also, his drinking has never put my children in actual danger and that is something that I would NEVER allow. He does not interact with them or drive them or anything like that when he's been drinking.  I should also say that the only times that he goes out are after they are in bed and he is home before they get up.  

LoveAndGarbage - That's what I'm wondering about...does he enrich my life?  I've been thinking about this off and on for a couple of years now.  I think he does, and when it's good, it's really good.  The tough part is trying to figure out if the good outweighs the bad, or vice versa.

Yes, he's Racist, and that is not OK.  I will never accept that, but if he were to never mention it in my presence or say anything in front of my children, can I deal with that?  I know that he's not the only one out there, so I keep asking myself how do other people deal with it.  I've searched the web and never find a resource or a thread where anyone seems to be having the same issues that I'm having.

The laziness and the Peter Pan complex...I just don't know. It feels like when it rains, it pours.  We'll go months without any issues or arguments, and then they seem to happen one after another and it's the same things over and over again.  I know that marriages are cyclical, but is there a point when you just stop trying because you don't seem to be able to solve the issues.  Why can't he see that it is just not OK to do some of these things and that when you get married and WILLINGLY have children, it's time for you to grow up.  

OK, and here's an even tougher question:  if I were to decide that I'd had enough, how on earth do I leave?  He would never move out, which means that I would have to.  I don't think that he has done anything that would cause a court to grant me sole custody, which means that we would have to share custody and I would lose several days a week with my children.  How do you live without your children?  They are my life and I just don't know that I can do it.  I want to be there every night and every morning and every minute in between.  I guess that's why I haven't considered leaving before...

The things you talk about in your last paragraph are some issues that I would also deal with. I have problems in my marriage as well and like yours, mine seem to keep coming back to the same issues around and around. Like you, I also enjoy many times with my husband, and we have also been married 12 years. Please let me know what you have decided upon doing and how you came to that conclusion. Hugs...

[Katilee08]

Hi! So, how are you doing now? I just read this thread and my heart goes out to you! My husband and I have some issues that are similar to yours, and some that are not, however, we have been in counseling/therapy for about a year and I often wonder this same question. However, everyday I continue to *choose* to stay married and try to find our way back to one another through love. We have been married about 8 years and together for 10. We have 3 young kiddos and it's been a really rough past year or two. I did want to say this to you though, marriage is hard and usually not 'fun'. One of my 'mentors' who is happily married for 25+ years told me this. She said to me; "K, most of the time marriage is just not that fun. BUT, then you get to the sweet spot, it is alllll worth it!" I'm not saying that this will just happen miraculously,  but I think by you reaching out (online, through therapy, and other support groups) you will find your way. There is simply no GREAT answer. But, I just wanted to respond to let you know that many marriages struggle with 'issues' and I believe that the more we share and talk about it the easier it is for each other to accept whatever shortcomings our own marriages may have. Hope this helps and my heart goes out to you!

[skycheattraffic]

A couple of thoughts. I would make it clear that racist comments, even the "milder ones" he thinks are ok are absolutely unacceptable as is asking the kids what their friends look like since it comes from the same place. You can't change his thoughts but exposing your kids to racism even in a tangential way is not ok and he needs to keep his prejudices to himself, period. No discussion, no excuses; it simply will not be tolerated.
About the drinking and driving, he has demonstrated time and again that he is not responsible enough to take the car on these outings so he needs to ask a friend for a ride, then take a cab/public transit home or simply take cab/pt both ways. He's welcome to go but is simply not trustworthy to take the car. That way he can't complain that he's not "allowed" to go. He's welcome to go, just can't take his own life and the lives of others in his hands when he does. If he doesn't agree, tell him flat out that you don't want to see him dead and will call the police on him next time to save his life with a DUI.
The other issues are more subtle but these two would be absolute deal breakers for me and require immediate change. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I hear your love in your posts but sometimes we have to be firm with the ones we love to prevent them from harming themselves or others.

[2babies2kidsmom]

whatdoido, did these issues all just crop up after you were married?  I can't believe he would suddenly become a racist and a drunk driver only after the wedding.  You chose to build a life with him knowing about those things.  Is it really fair to ask him to change after you vowed to love him through good times and bad?  The other things (laziness, immaturity) are really not such a big deal in the long term.  Sure they are annoying but if he is contributing to the family's financial situation, an otherwise good father, and you love him, then I can't imagine leaving him.    What would your life look like without him?  What would your children's lives look like, bouncing from house to house?  Would it really be easier to do it all by yourself?   

My father-in-law is racist and my husband has friends of many backgrounds.  I really wouldn't worry too much about your kids picking up that same attitude, especially where they are exposed to all kinds of people every day.

One last thing: I read somewhere that in most marriages there are some issues the couple will just never resolve.  I agree with the others that the drunk driving has to stop (really like the idea of not letting him take the car), but the other things sound pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.  Just my two cents, not trying to beat up on you.  I hope you can come to peace with whatever decision you make. 

[erigeron]

Originally Posted by 2babies2kidsmom 

 You chose to build a life with him knowing about those things.  Is it really fair to ask him to change after you vowed to love him through good times and bad? 

In my opinion--yes. Making a marriage vow doesn't mean vowing to tolerate your spouse no matter what level of scuzziness they achieve. And if he were holding up his half of the vow, he would be trying to do his best by her too, and it doesn't sound like he is. Even if these issues did happen before marriage and she married him anyway, that doesn't mean that, now that she's really opening her eyes to see big problems in her marriage, she has to just ignore them if he won't change because she promised to love him no matter what. Marriage should be a two-way street.