Help Please!!!! I'm beside myself and don't know how long I can take it (Baby crying in car) - Page 2

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by hippiemombian Sometimes you just have to focus on driving. Taking a stressed out mom with a crying baby and adding the responsibility of driving a car with traffic or high speeds is enough. Some of us can multi-task and sing, hush, soothe, keep our hand in the backseat on baby etc and some of us can't. 

This is important advice. I had a similar thought when it comes to the advice to stop every time a child cries in the car. A stressed out parent pulling over frequently seems like it could be a dangerous situation.  

OP, when your have done everything you can think of to limit time in the car while keeping a sense of balance in your family life and you have tried everything you can think of to find ways to sooth your child you are looking at two options: try to remain calm in the hopes that your driving is safer and your calmness rubs off on your children or you can pull over. I think both of these choices are good enough but they are very personal and have to take into account a lot of personal factors. 

For me, my child who hated the car would NOT have done better with me pulling over. It would have just postponed the inevitable and would actually have been a fairly cruel thing to do to her. I never did manage to relax when my first child was crying in the car but I wish I had gotten that advice from someone I trusted because I think it would have been better for both of us if we could have managed it. My second child does not get car sick so she just "regular old" hates the car. I do think when all else fails my relaxed state helps her. 

OP, how is your pre-school aged child with the baby? Can you move their seats side by side so they can interact? 

[NiteNicole]

My daughter was the same way.  All the singing, talking, toys, and mirrors in the world did not help.  She just had to out grow it.  If I had tried pulling over every time she cried, we'd still be sitting on the side of the road somewhere.  She just hated the car seat (till I turned her around...two LONG years later, although it did get slightly better when she could sit in a convertible seat). 

Sometimes you just have to accept that this is something you can't fix.  The stress of thinking, "If I could just figure it out LIKE A GOOD MOMMY, then baby wouldn't have to suffer," is both wrong and unnecessary.  The baby is not hurt, the baby is not hungry, wet, or soiled.  The baby just hates the car.  You have to be in the car.  What are the options?  Continuing to flay yourself over something you can't fix does not help your baby but it deeply, deeply hurts you.

This is a far cry from say, strapping the baby into the carseat and driving around in an attempt to "teach" the baby not to cry in the car.  That is CIO.  Not mentally beating yourself up over something you can't fix is not.  It sucks enough without the guilt.
 

Edited to add:  this is something about which I am DEEPLY touchy.  My daughter cried in the car seat, she cried in my arms, she did not sleep through the night till she was 3.5 and I sat up with her every one of those nights.  I am  NOT a fan of CIO because I believe, most of the time, it's kind of pointless.  It's needles suffering for both parent and child.  But I ALSO deeply believe that just because you can't "solve" your baby, this doesn't mean that you are, by default, letting them CIO.  Sometimes babies just cry and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.  If you are doing everything you can, let the guilt GO.  I spent SOOOO many nights rocking a screaming baby only to have people here (not all, or even most, but a righteous few) tell me that if walking all night, or driving around in the car (ha), or singing while standing on my head would make her stop crying then I should just suck it up and do those things all night, every night, forever or I was essentially practicing CIO and damaging baby who would never learn to trust or form healthy personal relationships - well, the guilt of that can crush you.

Edited by NiteNicole - 11/24/12 at 6:30am

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole But I ALSO deeply believe that just because you can't "solve" your baby, this doesn't mean that you are, by default, letting them CIO.  

Here is a beautifully written article about the benefit of in-arms crying. It doesn't apply well with making us feel better about the car but I suspect it will go a LONG way in alleviating some of your concerns regarding your baby crying in arms in those early months.   

http://www.mothering.com/community/a/crying-for-comfort: 

Quote:

There are numerous advantages to allowing your baby to release stress by crying in your arms. First, you will help him heal from trauma, thereby avoiding the possible lifelong impact of prenatal or birth trauma. He will also heal regularly from the minor upsets of everyday life. Releasing pent-up stress from daily overstimulation or frustrations will allow him to have a longer attention span and greater confidence in learning new skills. He will probably also be more relaxed, and less whiny or demanding.

Quote:

Most important, by practicing the crying-in-arms approach you will enhance your emotional connection with your baby. She will learn that you are able to listen and accept her entire range of emotions, and that nothing can damage the loving bond between you. If you continue to be an empathic listener, your child will grow up with a feeling of being loved unconditionally, which will lead to high self-esteem.

[pickle18]

Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama 

I also wanted to suggest you consider nursing when you're able to sit in the back. Depending on your body type it can be easier than you think. Of course, with two, you have probably already tired that. 

  This is THE ONLY thing that helped DS stop screaming/crying in the car - pacifiers would not fly.  Also, I often had to sing to him on top of it - or his Dad would sing to him from the front seat.  He did eventually grow out of it, but I have to say - the other main thing that helped was turning him front-facing.  He is GIANT - his legs were bent up around his ears before he was a year old when rear-facing, and he was well above the weight limit (for a 2 year old), so we switched him.

FF may be more risky in your situation - plus, I often breastfed (and still do, when needed) without a seatbelt when he was FF, so that's another risk.  It was one I was willing to take, however. You have to do what works for you!

[pickle18]

Originally Posted by hippiemombian 

I guess I read that comment differently. I don't think its close to encouraging CIO, at all. From the stand point I read it as, I agree. The OP sounds stressed out and helpless because she can not make her son stop crying. I think the advice of letting it go and knowing that you can not control whether or not he will cry is valid.  She clearly has tried everything to stop him or soothe him, it isn't working and it is stressing her out. Sometimes you just have to focus on driving. Taking a stressed out mom with a crying baby and adding the responsibility of driving a car with traffic or high speeds is enough. Some of us can multi-task and sing, hush, soothe, keep our hand in the backseat on baby etc and some of us can't. So accepting that he might cry and as a parent you just have to let him because you are driving and because everything else you have tried hasn't worked, just might be what the OP needs. Not the same as CIO at all, IMO.

  In spite of my last post (saying how I bent the rules of safety, haha) - I did frequently remind myself of this.  Especially if I had to drive DS alone.  I would limit the distance as much as possible, do everything (bring music, toys, snacks, water, etc.) I reasonably could, and after that - I just had to take deep breaths and focus on keeping us safe (maybe check in for a second at red lights).  Focusing on helping the baby calm down at the expense of focusing on driving is potentially much, much worse for the babe.

[mamazee]

I would do what you can and keep trying to find solutions, but don't make yourself feel horrible. It isn't safe to get too upset when you're driving.

I remember for one child, it was hot out and the air conditioning was on all the time, and it occurred to me at some point to put a light blanket over her, and that made a huge difference. At first I thought she'd get too hot, but maybe the AC was bugging her. So if you keep trying different things you might at some point hit something that helps. Playing music on the CD and singing seemed to help some too. Now these weren't perfect solutions. She really just wanted to be held, and I did what I could and sat back with her when I wasn't driving, I didn't drive when I didn't really need to go somewhere, and I kept trying different soft toys for her to hold onto, but that doesn't mean she stopped ever crying in the car. It just means it wasn't constant and it wasn't as bad. Also, I had PPD with my first and I went to a support group and I include that as a place I really had to go. My mental health counts. (She ended up loving the support group - everyone had babies/little kids.)

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. Do what you can do, only drive with her in the car when you need to, and try singing to her or talking to her so she can hear your voice and knows she isn't home alone. Do your best, and know you've done your best. Have some snuggly re-connection time when you reach your destination. I had PPD with the first so obviously I had a hard time remaining calm and not beating myself up, but that was my goal, and I think that's where you'll be best off. Try to control what you can and create the best environment you can, but OTOH, really try to not blame yourself for things outside of your control.

[EmilyZ25]

sorry to hear that. it's always tough for me to hear my lo cry and not know how to help :(. The pp's all had good suggestions - i would try a cd of familiar songs, or maybe a doll or blanky that smells like you. other than that, you might just have to wait out this phase. it's tough, but i have found that baby phases tend to change so quickly. hopefully this will pass.

[Kaydove]

We have a infant car seat so I could grab the handle and rock the car seat. That would settle her down. Or let her suck on my pinky when she was really tiny. She finally grew out of it at 7 months and now FALLS ASLEEP! I was shocked! Classical music helps a lot actually. 

[cattmom]

Oh, I remember this. It is awful. And it is tiresome when everyone around you seems so mystified/filled with judgment. Everybody prefers the carefree mom who makes it look effortless, but oh well. Nuts to them.  I tried not to go anywhere in the car and if we had to, I tried to take surface streets rather than highways to make pulling over easy.  As another poster said, it gets better as they get older. Please - don't take any advice from people who haven't experienced it, or whose memories of it are so old that they've forgotten what it was like.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by Kaydove  Classical music helps a lot actually. 

I how could I forget! My now 18 month old (who admittedly does not hate the car the way my DC#1 did) falls asleep to NPR. It's hard for her to sleep to music but NPR does the trick...and it allows for a lot of funny jokes about how boring NPR is.