Afraid of "gender dissappointment" but from a differnt reason « Back to Group Discussions

[firespiritmelody]

So, this is going to be kind of rambly, so please bare with me... I'm 20 weeks now and was supposed to have my ultra sound this week but because of insurance issues, we had to reschedule. This is baby number 4 and we have 3 girls already. I LOVE my girls. I'm an only child, no close cousins, etc and always saw myself as a mom of girls so even with baby #3 being a girl, I wasn't the least bit disappointed that she was a girl. I know what I'm doing with girls, my kids are great - sweet, kind, adorable, good people and I couldn't be happier with them.

THIS TIME, I'm having a hard time connecting with the baby, even though we were actively trying to get pregnant. I was over the moon when I got my BFP but almost instantly, I started to worry. I don't have a history of bad out comes but I've been plagued by the irrational fear that since everything has gone so well with my girls, I'm doomed for something to go wrong this time. I spent the whole first trimester checking the tp every time I went to the bathroom sure that something bad was going to happen.

Things are going really well for the most part, I'm feeling better, feeling baby move more regularly, etc. But I was really looking forward to my u/s. I was hoping finding out the gender would help me wrap my head around the fact that there IS a baby in there and it's not all in my mind (any body else have the fear that this is all a dream and you're going to wake up and not be pregnant any minute?)

BUT,this is our last baby. On one hand, I'm afraid that if the baby is a girl, EVERYONE is going to be disappointed - my girls are all hoping for a brother, my husband would like a son though he insists he wont be disappointed, we've got all girls for grand kids... and honestly I really would like experience raising a son. If this is a girl, I will never have a son. The ship will have sailed so to speak. I think that's why it was never a big deal to me with my other kids - I always knew we would have more kids so it didn't matter if this one was another girl, there's always next time lol.

BUT if this one IS a boy, we'll need some new stuff - we've got 13 years worth of girl stuff as hand-me-downs, more clothes then we could ever need but it's all pink lol. (Not that I have a problem putting boys in pink, but an entirely pink wardrobe might be a bit much!) and I'm way too sentimental with clothing - some of them are so sweet and the thought of not having another little girl to put in the clothes actually makes me sad (kind of stupid, I know!) Plus, I know what to do with girls, I'm a great "girl-mom". Neither me or my husband is very athletic and (although he's perfect for me...) he's not very masculine, and 3 big sisters to boot! What would we do with a boy!

So it boils down to, I will be ecstatic with either gender, I don't have a preference, but knowing this is my last baby has me a little concerned that I'm going to be a bit disappointed either way. Does that even make sense?? It's probably coming across as a big blubbering mess but I needed to get it out there. Any feed back would be greatly appreciated, especially for those of you who are planning on this being your last babe. This is uncharted territory for me.

[bmcneal]

Oh my! While I'm not sure whether this will be our last or not, I completely understand what you are saying. I don't think it's a big blabbering mess, either. It makes perfect sense to me.  I'm crying reading this, actually, because I can see how painful/hard of a situation it is/could be. I don't have any advice, or any experience in this department, but I couldn't read and not let you know that someone understands. I hope someone has something more helpful for you...

[TIFF4NY]

I completely understand your feelings on this and think they are totally valid. I had always said I wanted two kids and hoped for one of each. Now that we're expecting a 2nd girl, the possibility of a third attempt for a boy is on the table. I told DH that either we'll end up with three girls or two girls and a boy but that will be IT. 

My BIL/SIL found out that they are having a boy (due in May) and DH actually got a little bummed out about it. He said he wanted to have the first boy and was mad because BIL is totally not a manly man and DH wants someone to do all his guy stuff with him. Who knows... We may not get that little boy but he might be surprised to find one of his daughters is totally into his hobbies. 

[Oliver's Mama]

I can understand, but from the opposite end; I've got two boys, and this will be my last.  We're both hoping for a girl, as is everyone else, but I'm not the frilly girly type so I am a bit worried about how to raise a girl.  On the other hand, a boy might be easier because "it's what we do".  And even though I'm hoping for a girl, if that's what the ultrasound tech tells me, I KNOW I'll be paranoid and skeptical the remainder of the pregnancy, that there's just no way it could be true, because it's how I really wanted it to go.

As for not knowing how to raise boys- don't worry, boys are fully capable of being crazy boys all on their own! My husband is not the typical macho sports man, we're both calm, quiet people, but our boys are hyperactive noisy stuntmen.. they certainly don't need us for that kind of guidance! And we don't have to be good at sports to just kick around a ball with them! We sign him up for lots of park district sport classes to get his energy out and be a rough boy, with other boys, and learn all about sports from people who know a bit more than us!

And don't worry- I STILL check my tp every time, even at nearly 19 weeks. I've been blessed with two textbook pregnancies, and great births, it just seems like 3 is pushing my luck, so I do worry.

well I guess I don't have too much helpful to say! We have the appointment on Monday, so our plan it to settle on names this weekend.  I'm hoping the combination of knowing the gender and name will make it more real and personal.

[Georgetown HB Mom]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have four girls. I am pregnant with my fifth baby. I am HOPING it is a another girl. I am scared to death I will be disappointed if it is a boy. My fourth daughter was a stillborn. So, part of the reason I want this baby to be a girl is because I miss her so much and I was also hoping for another girl when I was pregnant with her and then we found out she was gone and it through my world into a tailspin. I am a great "girl mom" I love being a mom to girls. I do not have a good relationship with my father and my brother and I have gone back and forth. So, I am afraid if I have a boy, one day I won't have a relationship with him. I know that is not really logical thinking but it is a fear. I also get so sick and tired of hearing how we must be trying for a boy, how my husband needs a boy and my MIL is the worst. She has stated we must have a boy each time I am pregnant and is very disappointed when we have had each girl. My fourth girl was never even acknowledged by the in-laws. And of course the first thing she said when DH told her I was pregnant, was "well, lets hope this one is finally a boy." After the tragedy of losing our last baby, and she has the audacity to say that. So, part of me wants another girl just to tick her off.

And don't worry about checking the TP. I do that too, especially with this baby.

[alaskanmomma]

Deep down, I really want this baby to be a girl. I LOVE my son to the moon and back(and ask anyone in person and apparently he's my "favorite"--he isn't, I honestly don't have a favorite child.. he's just a mama's boy)... but he is WILD, and idk, I don't think I can handle 2 Sylas' running around. I also always wanted a sister to grow up with(I got a sister.. at 11... lol). 

I don't have as deep feelings as you do towards how I want the gender to sway, but I'm definitely afraid I'll be disappointed if this baby is a boy, and I feel so GUILTY for that considering we have two healthy kids, we suffered a miscarriage, some people can't have kids, blah blah blah. 

[JollyGG]

I joined this DDC just to say I totally understand. It's the reason that I find out the gender while pregnant. There is a part of me that morns the loss of possibilities no matter which gender it ends up being. It's good to hear that someone else does the same thing. Before you know there are is all this anticipation of all the possibilities. Once you know the gender some of those possibilities go away. I'm always a bit disappointed when that happens.

[firespiritmelody]

Originally Posted by Oliver's Mama 

I'm hoping the combination of knowing the gender and name will make it more real and personal.

Yeah, that was what I was hoping for too. That's why I was extra dissappointed that we had to reschedule it. No idea when we're going to get to do it at this point yet either.

Originally Posted by bmcneal 

Oh my! While I'm not sure whether this will be our last or not, I completely understand what you are saying. I don't think it's a big blabbering mess, either. It makes perfect sense to me.  I'm crying reading this, actually, because I can see how painful/hard of a situation it is/could be. I don't have any advice, or any experience in this department, but I couldn't read and not let you know that someone understands. I hope someone has something more helpful for you...

Thank you <3

Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom 

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have four girls. I am pregnant with my fifth baby. I am HOPING it is a another girl. I am scared to death I will be disappointed if it is a boy. My fourth daughter was a stillborn. So, part of the reason I want this baby to be a girl is because I miss her so much and I was also hoping for another girl when I was pregnant with her and then we found out she was gone and it through my world into a tailspin. I am a great "girl mom" I love being a mom to girls. I do not have a good relationship with my father and my brother and I have gone back and forth. So, I am afraid if I have a boy, one day I won't have a relationship with him. I know that is not really logical thinking but it is a fear. I also get so sick and tired of hearing how we must be trying for a boy, how my husband needs a boy and my MIL is the worst. She has stated we must have a boy each time I am pregnant and is very disappointed when we have had each girl. My fourth girl was never even acknowledged by the in-laws. And of course the first thing she said when DH told her I was pregnant, was "well, lets hope this one is finally a boy." After the tragedy of losing our last baby, and she has the audacity to say that. So, part of me wants another girl just to tick her off.

And don't worry about checking the TP. I do that too, especially with this baby.

I didn't have a relationship with my bio dad until just a couple of years ago either and while my stepdad and I have a good relationship, it's not the same. Add to that, none of my grandpas have been alive my entire life and I don't have any uncles or anything... so yeah, not a lot of male relationships either. 

No one has come right out and been overly disappointed with our girls, but pre-pregnancy and up until we found out the genders, everyone has been quite vocal about it - " so are you guys going to have another baby to try for a boy... when are you going to try for that boy... Michael must feel really out numbered.... boys are so XYZ (fill in the blank) you'll really be missing out... " and flat out assuming we'd prefer a boy. It's gotten worse each time.

Originally Posted by JollyGG 

I joined this DDC just to say I totally understand. It's the reason that I find out the gender while pregnant. There is a part of me that morns the loss of possibilities no matter which gender it ends up being. It's good to hear that someone else does the same thing. Before you know there are is all this anticipation of all the possibilities. Once you know the gender some of those possibilities go away. I'm always a bit disappointed when that happens.

Yes! This exactly. Knowing this is our last baby, means we will either never have a boy, or never have another girl. It's so FINAL.

Thank you guys for all your kind words and understanding. It's such a weird and complicated thing and the few people I've tried to talk to about it don't get it. It's nice to know I'm not alone.