So, this is going to be kind of rambly, so please bare with me... I'm 20 weeks now and was supposed to have my ultra sound this week but because of insurance issues, we had to reschedule. This is baby number 4 and we have 3 girls already. I LOVE my girls. I'm an only child, no close cousins, etc and always saw myself as a mom of girls so even with baby #3 being a girl, I wasn't the least bit disappointed that she was a girl. I know what I'm doing with girls, my kids are great - sweet, kind, adorable, good people and I couldn't be happier with them.
THIS TIME, I'm having a hard time connecting with the baby, even though we were actively trying to get pregnant. I was over the moon when I got my BFP but almost instantly, I started to worry. I don't have a history of bad out comes but I've been plagued by the irrational fear that since everything has gone so well with my girls, I'm doomed for something to go wrong this time. I spent the whole first trimester checking the tp every time I went to the bathroom sure that something bad was going to happen.
Things are going really well for the most part, I'm feeling better, feeling baby move more regularly, etc. But I was really looking forward to my u/s. I was hoping finding out the gender would help me wrap my head around the fact that there IS a baby in there and it's not all in my mind (any body else have the fear that this is all a dream and you're going to wake up and not be pregnant any minute?)
BUT,this is our last baby. On one hand, I'm afraid that if the baby is a girl, EVERYONE is going to be disappointed - my girls are all hoping for a brother, my husband would like a son though he insists he wont be disappointed, we've got all girls for grand kids... and honestly I really would like experience raising a son. If this is a girl, I will never have a son. The ship will have sailed so to speak. I think that's why it was never a big deal to me with my other kids - I always knew we would have more kids so it didn't matter if this one was another girl, there's always next time lol.
BUT if this one IS a boy, we'll need some new stuff - we've got 13 years worth of girl stuff as hand-me-downs, more clothes then we could ever need but it's all pink lol. (Not that I have a problem putting boys in pink, but an entirely pink wardrobe might be a bit much!) and I'm way too sentimental with clothing - some of them are so sweet and the thought of not having another little girl to put in the clothes actually makes me sad (kind of stupid, I know!) Plus, I know what to do with girls, I'm a great "girl-mom". Neither me or my husband is very athletic and (although he's perfect for me...) he's not very masculine, and 3 big sisters to boot! What would we do with a boy!
So it boils down to, I will be ecstatic with either gender, I don't have a preference, but knowing this is my last baby has me a little concerned that I'm going to be a bit disappointed either way. Does that even make sense?? It's probably coming across as a big blubbering mess but I needed to get it out there. Any feed back would be greatly appreciated, especially for those of you who are planning on this being your last babe. This is uncharted territory for me.