Husband and MIL telling me that my Morning Sickness is "All in my head"

[LottieLee]

Hi Ladies,

I'm just about 7 weeks along and for the last 2 weeks or so (since before I found out I was pregnant) I've been feeling progressively ill every day. I haven't actually thrown up, but I feel nauseated a lot (kind of like motion sickness) and haven't had my usual energy because of it.

Don't get me wrong- I'm still 'functioning'- still keeping up with all of my chores and I do all of the housework (we're in the process of moving so I left my job some months back) but I haven't got the same go-go-go momentum I'm accustomed to having.

Anyway, my husband and mother-in-law are making me feel SO guilty for wanting to rest more than usual. My mother-in-law didn't have Morning Sickness with any of her pregnancies and she's convinced it's just something other pregnant women make up as an excuse to be lazy...

Based on her experiences, my husband has been MAJORLY guilt tripping me every time I want to lay down or claim I'm not feeling well. He keeps telling me it's "all in my head" and that there's no such thing as morning sickness! He is REALLY making me feel awful about it. 

I know this isn't in my head. But I just don't know how to respond to him (or my MIL for that matter- who called me again today with her no-such-thing-as-morning-sickness rant). 

The whole thing is just really irking me, and causing a lot of unnecessary negativity between myself and my DH. I would understand if I was slacking on the housework or laying about 24/7 but that's far from the truth. 

Any suggestions or words of wisdom?

:(

[Imakcerka]

Not in your head. EVERYONE has different experiences. Don't feel bad either, the 1st trimester can be very difficult and heck yes you're going to feel tired and need rest. Your bb is doing A LOT of growing and it's important you get the rest you need. If they feel it's necessary to give you hell over it tell them they can go to your 1st appointment so that your OB can explain the facts of life to them . Doubt they would do well in an office full of women.

[fruitfulmomma]

No relational advice but Mommy's Bliss makes ginger capsules with vit. B and folic acid that really helped with my morning sickness. 

[spughy]

Wow.  That doesn't bode really well for the rest of your pregnancy.

Can you ask your husband, since he seems ill-informed of pregnancy in general, to come with you to your next OB or midwife appointment so he can get an "official" run-down of symptoms that may or may not occur?  It sounds like he either doesn't trust you, or is totally freaked out and in denial about the rigors of pregnancy.  I mean, what's going to happen when you have other symptoms that your MIL didn't have - like, maybe pubic symphysis?  It can be incredibly painful and WILL mean you slack off on housework.

Some people are lucky and sail through pregnancy without a hitch.  Others, not so much.  More people get some hitches and not others. There are a lot of pregnancy symptoms I never experience - edema, back pain, loosened joints - but it doesn't mean I think other people make them up to justify sitting on the couch eating bonbons.

Frankly - and this is me on pregnancy hormones and mildly annoyed at MY husband for various things at the moment - I would kick him in the groin and then tell him that your dad could take a kick like that and be out tossing bales of hay around 5 minutes later.

((hugs)) sounds like you need 'em!!!  Good luck!

[ananas]

Wow...no real advice but I'd be fuming. One of the few things that got me through FOURTEEN weeks of morning sickness (which I assure you was not in my head, it was mostly in the toilet!), was SO being incredibly supportive, bringing me things I needed, and constantly telling me he was sorry and thanking me for what I was doing. 

Do you have some pregnancy books your DH can read to show him that you are definitely not the only one who experiences morning sickness? His mother just happened to get lucky. That's it!

[devilish]

So, I'm hoping you aren't the only one in your group of friends who have gotten pregnant. Get those friends together and group tell your DH that the morning sickness is not in your head. If that doesn't work then go to a professional and have them tell him. Ideally, after one or both of these steps, he'll be more supportive. Once this is achieved, he (not you) needs to tell his mother to back the fuck off. She obviously and definitely won't listen to you, and it will be more likely she will listen to him. If you do it, she'll try to get him on her 'side' (which there shouldn't be of because it's YOUR marriage and YOUR pregnancy) and it will end poorly. He needs to do this.

Hope this helps.

[nattery]

I can't offer any advice that has not already been offered but all I gotta say is that you have the patience of a SAINT.

If my partner ever suggested that to me I think I would vomit on him to prove my point (I guess according to your MIL women just learn to throw up to keep the farce going?)

I would approach your MIL and make a very clear boundary with her about her right to suggest what you are and are not legitimately feeling in this pregnancy... and my husband would be getting an earful from every woman-friend / mother/ doctor I had access too (I have fiery friends that would jump on him in a heart beat).

That's a really hard situation to be in. I find it extremely offensive of your MIL and partner to suggest such well documented symptoms are a collective farce on woman-kinds part to allow us to be lazy. It's offensive to you and your legitimate feelings, and it's offensive to women in general to suggest we are so lazy and our feelings and experiences so illegitimate.
 

[CoBabyMaker]

Oh wow.  I really really try to give people grace but this is just totally and completely unacceptable.  I think you need to deal with the issue with your DH first and foremost.  I agree with others that taking him to the doctor with you might be a good idea.  Have him read a pregnancy book or 5.    My severe morning sickness landed me in the hospital because of dehydration (and many other women have it worse than myself), pretty sure that wasn't in my head.  I have a huge list of things I would rather do than lay in bed feeling like crap.  

As for your MIL, I think once your DH understands you both are probably going to need to set up some boundaries.  If she is this way about morning sickness I can only imagine that if your baby behaves differently than hers that she will think you are making something up or doing something wrong.  You  DON'T want or need that as a new mom.     

I hope that the morning sickness passes quickly for you and that they are more understanding VERY soon!

[babycatcher12]

This would really upset. Unless you do everything else like your MIL, her experience shouldn't mean diddly squat. If your DH is willing to listen to her rather than you, I'd say there are other issues at hand here than just the fact that you're not feeling well. What is she going to say if you don't labor like she did or give birth like she did? 

I agree with what the other posters have said, have him come to your next appointment (I would even call ahead of time to give your MW or doc a heads up to make sure they address it). Have him read a book or two. Set some boundaries. I would tell my MIL if she called again that you are different and your experience is different than hers. You're not going to allow her to make you feel guilty for being tired or not feeling well. If she continues to talk about it tell her you have to go and then hang up. 

[Storm Bride]

Okay - I've never been in this situation, so I'm not sure how I'd handle it, but my first thoughts, off the top of my head:

1) I've only really had any kind of morning sickness in one pregnancy (with dd1) and that was "just" queasiness. It started before I knew I was pregnant, so I can't see how it could have possibly been all in my head! In addition, the fatigue is something else again. I've been exhausted - barely able to get out of bed exhausted - for the first three months of every pregnancy. (It persisted all the way to the end of my last one.) I've also tested as anemic in every pregnancy. There's no way that's all in one's head - it was in my blood.

2) Your MIL sounds toxic. I'd be tempted to tell her that you're happy she didn't experience this, but she's not the only pregnant woman in the world...then hang up. Then, use "pass the bean dip" any time she brings it up. Her experiences don't trump yours - not in any way, at any time. And, the bottom line is...what you're experiencing in your pregnancy is none of her business.

3) Your husband needs to smarten the hell up. He's basically calling you a liar. I'd demand that he go to your next midwife/OB appointment and talk about possible symptoms. I'd also make him go to counseling with you now. If he can't have your back at 7 weeks pregnant, what's he going to be like when the really hard stuff (childrearing, and all that comes with it) comes along? He's telling you that he doesn't believe you, and putting his mom's opinion of your reality ahead of your actual reality. He needs to buy a clue and look up the definition of "partner" in a dictionary. If necessary, you can explain to him, in words of one syllable, that "partner" applies to his relationship with you, not his relationship with his mother. You may have to repeat yourself, as he sounds appallingly clueless.

4) Just for the record, the most extreme form of morning sickness (called hyperemesis gravidarum) has actually killed women - even in the developed nations. I guess that was all in their heads, too.

Honestly...this sounds like you could have some long-term issues if you don't set boundaries now. This behaviour from your MIL is totally out of line, and your dh isn't in your corner, which is where he belongs.

[babycatcher12]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

Okay - I've never been in this situation, so I'm not sure how I'd handle it, but my first thoughts, off the top of my head:

1) I've only really had any kind of morning sickness in one pregnancy (with dd1) and that was "just" queasiness. It started before I knew I was pregnant, so I can't see how it could have possibly been all in my head! In addition, the fatigue is something else again. I've been exhausted - barely able to get out of bed exhausted - for the first three months of every pregnancy. (It persisted all the way to the end of my last one.) I've also tested as anemic in every pregnancy. There's no way that's all in one's head - it was in my blood.

2) Your MIL sounds toxic. I'd be tempted to tell her that you're happy she didn't experience this, but she's not the only pregnant woman in the world...then hang up. Then, use "pass the bean dip" any time she brings it up. Her experiences don't trump yours - not in any way, at any time. And, the bottom line is...what you're experiencing in your pregnancy is none of her business.

3) Your husband needs to smarten the hell up. He's basically calling you a liar. I'd demand that he go to your next midwife/OB appointment and talk about possible symptoms. I'd also make him go to counseling with you now. If he can't have your back at 7 weeks pregnant, what's he going to be like when the really hard stuff (childrearing, and all that comes with it) comes along? He's telling you that he doesn't believe you, and putting his mom's opinion of your reality ahead of your actual reality. He needs to buy a clue and look up the definition of "partner" in a dictionary. If necessary, you can explain to him, in words of one syllable, that "partner" applies to his relationship with you, not his relationship with his mother. You may have to repeat yourself, as he sounds appallingly clueless.

4) Just for the record, the most extreme form of morning sickness (called hyperemesis gravidarum) has actually killed women - even in the developed nations. I guess that was all in their heads, too.

Honestly...this sounds like you could have some long-term issues if you don't set boundaries now. This behaviour from your MIL is totally out of line, and your dh isn't in your corner, which is where he belongs.

She said it way better than I did. But yeah that. 

[pek64]

I agree with the poster who said this doesn't bode well for the pregnancy, or birth.

I was so sick with my son ... I'd rather not talk about it. And when I got caught in a summer shower just three houses from home and sort of jogged home, I passed out in a recliner for three hours, then went to bed and slept through the night! Of course the nausea was worse the next day.

Nausea advice. Ginger is supposed to work to alleviate nausea. Real ginger. It worked for my family for flu and food allergy nausea, but I didn't know about it when I was pregnant. Protein helped me. Once I began eating, I ate *lots* of protein! Now I had to fight a bit to get what I needed. I threatened anyone trying to take food away with a fork. Hopefully, you won't have to do that.

Birth advice. Make sure, absolutely, that you have a doula. I didn't, and my husband didn't see any reason to do anything for me. Not even go get me ice chips. Just cover the possibilty and have a doula.

[Greenlea]

I think you might be acting nicer to your MIL then I ever would be in this situation. I'd freak out at her if she tried turning my DH against me, especially this early in the pregnancy. 

Yes, you are only 7 weeks so your nausea could actually get worse. And it usually gets better after the 1st trimester, but no always. I had extreme fatigue the beginning of this pregnancy - like I couldn't keep my eyes open, going to bed at 7pm, letting DH take care of child-care duties, type of fatigue. My MS tapered off but even at 16 weeks I still get it at least once a day and am still in bed by 8:30pm.

Your DH needs to get on your side. I agree taking him to a doc appt should be beneficial. And don't beat around the bush. Tell the doc straight out that your DH doesn't believe you, right while he standing there! 

[loveandgarbage]

How awful for you. I had a similar thing happen to me and it was really rough to deal with emotionally. I felt so betrayed. I agree that your DH needs to get on board, get educated and get supportive NOW. It's a little scary that he would listen to his mom over his partner as an adult!

[Quinalla]

Wow, this is horrible! Just put MIL aside for the moment, have DH do all the talking to her for awhile because, wow I could not and would refuse to deal with the nonsense from her.

Second, ask DH if he thinks you are lying to him because that is exactly what he is saying to you. I would tell him that he needs to educate himself on pregnancy before he accuses you of lying about one of the most common and well-known pregnancy symptoms. Offer to take him to the OB/midwife with you, give him some reading recommendations, find some friends who were pregnant that did have M/S and have them talk to him, etc. But the biggest thing is, he should believe you! It is ridiculous that he doesn't. I am very lucky to not get M/S while I am pregnant, but I believe my friends, family and even internet strangers when they tell me they do because I know how common it is and there is no reason to disbelieve people just because they have a different experience than you or your mother! And as you and others have said, plenty of women experience symptoms before they know or even suspect they are pregnant, so how is that in their heads if they have no clue they are pregnant?

I am hoping this is just your DH in denial, but man, I would be so pissed if my DH pulled something like this on me.

Once you get DH on your side, then make it his job to talk to MIL. You should NOT have to deal with that BS.

And my DH used to jokingly tell me my motion sickness was all in my head. I responded that I didn't think so, but even if it was all in my head it didn't change the awful nausea I experience so did it really matter? Lucky for him, he was just joking, my response would have been brutal if he actually accused me of lying to him about something I was feeling.

[RStelle]

Wow, that makes me angry! That is really horrible! I am so sorry they are treating you that way! I had very bad "morning" sickness throughout my pregnancy, to the point where my partner had to do most of the cooking, a lot of the cleaning, and ALL of the dish-washing for my entire pregnancy. Sometimes I couldn't even get dressed or get up to get a drink of water by myself. And she NEVER complained or told me I was being lazy, EVER, because that would be just horrible! 

As far as helping you with the actual morning sickness, I just wanted to say that for me, although I had periods of time where I was puking every 30 minutes, I actually found it to be worse when I had the nausea without the vomiting...that was when I always felt the worst. So just because you aren't vomiting doesn't mean you don't feel sick! The thing that I found that helped the most was smelling or sucking on a lemon or sour lemon candy or natural ginger candy. Also, make sure you always have enough to drink and eat, it can help to keep a snack next to your bed to eat in the middle of the night, and then again in the morning before getting up. And the fatigue, you are growing a person in there, it takes a lot of energy, you need naps and to take it easy, that goes without saying. 

As far as your DH and MIL, I agree that you need to take your DH to the Dr with you, he needs to read some baby books, and most of all, he is your husband, he needs to listen to you, believe you, and support you. Maybe you can just sit him down and tell him that the way he has been acting is not OK and he needs to majorly step it up, and to start he is going to go to the Dr with you so that the Dr can tell him what's up. I don't know what kind of relationship you have or how easy that would be for you, but the way he has been treating you is just not acceptable, and he needs to do way better, and he owes you way more than an apology! As for your MIL, I would just refuse to talk to her. You can tell her that her treatment of you was not OK, and you don't want to talk to her until she apologizes. Just hang up on her or, if she comes over to your house, go take a nap. Easier said than done, I know, but you really don't have to talk to someone that treats you that way. Let us know how things go!

[Wooly]

Wow , big hugs to you mama , I hope your hubby shapes up!

I was a sufferer of HG as mentioned by someone above and was actually in hospital  through the majority of both my pregnancies,  ( it really wasn't in my head ), i also had extremely helpful loved ones tell me i was just pregnant not sick and must be " putting it on" mainly due to the fact that their pregnancies were just peachy thanks.

It was rough , really rough. Morning sickness can be awful to live through and I really could not even get out of bed.

I believe you , the other mamas here believe you, my husband totally believes you ( he had to deal with an awful lot of yuckyness), I totally agree with the other posters here, do not waste a second of your time engaging with MIL ( if she doesn't treat you with respect , consideration and thoughtfulness  then she doesn't get to share the awesomeness of your pregnancy.

 I really hope  this situation gets resolved  and your morning sickness is over swiftly. Sending lots of lovely positive healing vibes to you , have a happy healthy pregnancy x

[AmandaLynnH]

I second the swift kick to the groin, really just for good measure.

My mother tried to tell me that fatigue wasn't a normal pregnancy symptom.  We all had a good laugh about that one.

Your DH and MIL need to realize that pregnancy is different for every woman, and apparently, for every pregnancy.  The fact that both of them have this notion that you're the type of person to just say, 'Oh, I'm pregnant, I can totally phone it in for 9 months' speaks volumes about how they think of you, and not in a good way.  Your DH probably just doesn't know any better but I'd be willing to wager a guess that your relationship with your MIL may not be the best.  As others have mentioned, this does not bode well for you.  My mother and I don't get along and she uses that type of talk to try to discredit me at every turn so she can have her way.  Not gonna happen, but it can be amusing to watch her try.  Most of the time it's just infuriating though.

Unisom and B6 really helped me with the nausea.  Half of each at night was all I needed but I believe you can increase the dose as necessary.  As others have mentioned, making sure you're eating helps too with protein being the best.  I ate a lot of cheese slices and kept pringles stashed nearby.

<hugs>

And if you need someone to administer that swift kick to the groin, I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers in this thread.

[Andreann]

As someone that is currently really tired and nauseus from the first trimester, sitting in the middle of a really messy kitchen, drinking tea instead of doing any housework. I re-affirm you that what you live is very real. Maybe your DH needs to read this thread....

I agree with what every one suggested!

I wanted to mention you another trick for m/s: Sea-bands. They are bracelets with a pin in the middle that poushes on a accupuncture spot. It's usually sold for motion sicking but It worked well for me when the vomiting stopped and was left with little nausea at my first pregnancy.  I'd need to buy a new pair, I've lost them since.

[dayiscoming2006]

Looks like you got good advice. I agree with getting hubby to come to your first appt. and I must say, I really don't like your  MIL. 

I think I may have punched someone in the face if they told me it was in my head or maybe just throw up on them. :)