Thinking about leaving my husband and doing this on my own- need help « Back to Group Discussions

[JNajla]

I had a very upsetting situation and I'm too ashamed/ embarrassed to ask family or friends for advice (and I'm afraid that eventually they won't support me in my marriage any longer).  I had a nice afternoon of combing flea markets for shabby chic finds for baby's room.  I was taking photos of items and sending them to my husband.  Then after shopping and on my way to dinner I get a text that says "so how many men did you REALLY sleep with before you met me".  I was shocked and asked him what he was talking about.  He then tells me that he decided to spend his afternoon going through my old things (boxes of photos from college, etc) and then found and READ MY JOURNALS from 1999-2001.  I met my husband in 2001 while I was still in college and I wrote about meeting him and also wrote about other men that I dated prior to him.  He states that I told him when we first met that I had only slept with X number of men, and according to my journal, it has been more than that and so I'm a "liar, a whore, a tramp, and that I'm mentally unstable for lying".  I was so upset by his words.  He left to go to work while I was on my way back home.  He sent a message that said "we WILL continue this conversation later".  And I said No, we will not talk about this later, you will be home at 3 am and I will be sleeping.  He then said that he didn't care if I would be sleeping, he demands answers.  (Mind you, he's been unfaithful in the past- so this is even more pathetic).  So, while he was at work, I decided to pack my things and I've been in a flea bag (probably unsafe) motel in town.  I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I arrived to work after staying in a motel and everyone is smiling and asking me how I feel and asking if I'm excited about the baby, while really I feel like I'm falling apart.  It may sound strange to stay away, but my husband has a history of anger issues and has yelled/ screamed at me to the point where his face turns red and spit flies out of his mouth and "I MAKE him act like that because I'm a bitch" type excuses and I'm SICK OF IT.   I can handle that abusive crap but I drew the line when I found out that I'm pregnant because I will NOT expose my child to that.  A child deserves a safe, loving home.  He's beyond upset that I've stayed away, but I feel like I need to make him realize that I'm serious.  We haven't gone to therapy.  I feel like he needs to initiate it since he has the anger/ abuse issues and he refuses.  He then tells me that I'm LAZY because I haven't made the appt.  I dont' know what to do. 

[dayiscoming2006]

Just leave him. Sounds like a bad guy. I would NOT put up with that EVER. And I'm very supportive of working through things to keep a marriage going. But, not in this case. You go take care of yourself and your baby. You do not need someone like him in your life. My mom was abused by my dad. He beat her so bad he knocked teeth out, he yelled at her and said terrible things to her. I don't think anyone should ever put up with that. Try not to be ashamed. You didn't do anything wrong and if he has cheated on you as well, he's not worth the time of day. After your baby is born, I'd do everything in my power to make sure he never sees that child either for your child's protection. If you have family and friends that can help you, tell them what happened. Don't be afraid. You would benefit from their support.

EDIT:

Maybe I misunderstood, I thought you might have some family or friends that would support you and you were simply ashamed. I hope someone in your family or friends will be there for you, but either way, you go do what you gotta do. I do not believe this is a fix-able marriage based on what you have said here. 

Edited by dayiscoming2006 - 11/12/12 at 8:23am

[nattery]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you... especially when you are in the vunerable state of pregnancy. I don't have many answers but I wanted you to know that I feel for you so strongly because I recognize so much of it in my past relationship.

I started dating a boy in high school and we ended up staying together and getting married for 12 years. As sweet as he was at first, he had a lot of emotional issues due to being raised by a drug abusing teen mother and being abandoned by his father. He basically learned that lying, hiding things (like spending all of our money on drugs) and being verbally abusive was the proper way to communicate in a relationship. I also come from a rough family situation and accepted this behavior because 'he loved me' and 'if i wait long enough he will change'.  Over the years he had numerous affairs (I honestly lost count of the ones I know about and who knows about the ones I don't) and can remember having similar conversations and scenarios to the ones you had above.

He started pressuring me to have a baby (told me it would make everything between us better) and it got to the point where I didn't trust him to use our BC methods properly (I was paranoid that he would intentionally not use the condoms correctly to get me pregnant). I knew I wanted to have children very much but I knew in my heart there was no way I was going to bring a child into this unhappy, unhealthy, abusive relationship. And that was the breaking point for me. Something in me snapped and I just remember coming home one day realizing I just needed out. I never had envisioned actually leaving him but I just couldn't stay anymore... so I left. It was hard because my mother seemed to love him more than me (that's what I was convinced of anyways) and was constantly pressuring me to get back with him or at least feel sorry for him (he called me every day begging me to come back for at least a year... it became almost a stalking situation). I left everything behind, including all the furniture, appliances, bedding, pets etc. and started from square one living out of my mom's spare bedroom and friend's spare rooms.  2 years later I am now married to a wonderful respectful, gentle man and we are 10 weeks pregnant!

I did not share my story because I think you ought to follow my path... is leaving him what you should do? maybe. I cannot tell you that. Why I shared my story was to hopefully show you that you aren't alone in your experience and that these things do get better (some way or another).

The most important advice I can think to offer your situation is that regardless of the end result... there are particular things happening that are unacceptable right now. It is unacceptable that he is invading your private space and memories. It is unacceptable that he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. It is unacceptable that he is raising his voice to you and communicating with you in a way that makes you fearful, scared, or stressed out. It is unacceptable that he is name calling, and it is unacceptable that he would not respect that you have a child inside of you, and as such you need to get plenty of rest, and peace to insure the health and safety of you and that child.

I know you said your family would be unsupportive... I had a similar situation but I think it is important you approach them (which relative do you feel closest to?) and explain your situation and ask that you at least need a safe, peaceful place to be until your relationship issues are addressed. Explain that you just need a place for you and your unborn child to feel peaceful and safe because it is not like that at home right now. Even if your family thinks it's best that you remain together, they ought to at least respect that you temporarily need time apart for the sake of your child's health and well being... and who knows... maybe it isn't temporary... maybe you will eventually decide to leave him for good. You don't have to decide anything right now. Your family might also surprise you... if you explain exactly what has been going on (and I think you should so that they can fully support you) they may be appalled and insist that you are out of that situation. Grandparents get protective of their grand babies. It's not just you they are thinking about anymore.

again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through... know that it will get better.

[mamacatsbaby]

Woah! Not cool on multiple levels there. That's awesome for your baby that he or she has a mommy that's will draw that line. So many parents don't have that line and the cycle continues.

From what you say here it sounds like your husband has some serious boundary, control, and anger issues. If I was the one in this situation I would stay away and work on some clarity for myself and my child for a while. For me, my husband would need some time to think about what is going on in his world/what has gone in his world to where he justifies behaving like a stark raving lunatic.

This has nothing to do with you, nothing, and he doesn't seem ready to see or deal with that. I would absolutely stay away for the time being and work toward deciding whether or not I wanted to continue this marriage. However, that would absolutely depend on him getting help ASAP.

Everybody has their issues but some things, well, we just have to figure out where our limits are. to you JNajla. This is for sure an intensely difficult situation and I wish I had something more constructive to say at the moment. I'm just fuming for you and sad that you have to deal with this at a time where you should be feeling pampered and protected. It sounds like you're going to need the support/help of your family so I would seriously think about telling them. Must run for now. I know it must be so surreal to project the happy facade for people when inside you're in turmoil.

[crazyeight]

i'm glad he hasn't touched you but abuse like that is still abuse and pregnancy escalates abuse and violence. my 3rd's father abused me (physically, emotionally and sexually; i was raped/blackmailed for #3) and i called police after i knew his behavior isn't going to change even though he "WANTED" our baby. rationallity on their part is much less and you should follow your instincts. go to a SHELTER RIGHT NOW and tell them you want to get out, they usually have wonderful programs to help women get back on their feet, helping with new place to live, deposits, references etc. i wish i had gotten their help but i felt like i shouldn't use them b/c so many women were worse off than me but having that woman haven will give you a chance to breath.

he's a lazy f**k for trying to intimidate you and you deserve better. believe me that being alone is much much better than trying to "keep the peace" or bending over backwards.

(((hugs))) and i understand the shame and hurt. i called my mother bawling and babbling the morning after i called the police to spill to what was going on (didn't know i was pg or the abuse), i was distraught but she was 2000 miles away and i had no one. she wasn't very helpful either and heavily suggested getting rid of the pg etc on top of making sure i stick to my guns and don't go back to him. i didn't have the family support for pretty much any of my children. it's sad and hurtful but my kids gave me options and a depth of understanding i couldn't have gotten any other way.
 

[JNajla]

My fear about turning to my family and friends is that they are already aware of *some* of this, and my parents already hate him (because of the infidelity).  I'm afraid that IF I decided to attend counseling with my husband to try to rectify this, then they would no longer support me.  Friends/ family can only hear so much before THEY turn 'Mama Bear' too...  I'm also angry that I have to leave my home.  I've contributed 75% of the mortgage payments (I'm the breadwinner) so paying out for the mortgage and then not being able to be in my own home makes me angry.  All of this is so embarrassing.
 

[dayiscoming2006]

I understand JNajla. But, honestly, he doesn't sound like he wants to work through anything. You may want to, but unless he wants to it's just not going to work. I have seen these kinds of situations and it very rarely works out. I can't even think of one time it has worked out. I'm so sorry for this. Maybe you can get back the house and get him out of it? I don't know. But, being safe with your child is number one. I can understand where your family is coming from. My sister was in a relationship like this and I told her she really needed to get away. She never did, but he left her and cheated on her and never came back. He still wants to see his child they have together on occasion though. As someone who has grown up in abusive home, it will hurt your child at least emotionally. My memories of home for the most part horrify me. 

[mamacatsbaby]

I would say tell him he should be the one to leave but I'd be concerned about him taking things to the next level since he obviously has boundary issues. So as crappy as it is for you to leave your home, for the time being it may be the best solution while you figure out how to proceed.

[BabySmurf]

When we are in love, we tend to be blind to many of our partners faults.  And that comes in handy most of the time.  But these are not the types of issues that you want to ignore.  If most of your family and friends are telling you that this relationship is unhealthy, that is significant.  Especially since you are still in the "honeymoon" phase.  Life will get harder from here, not easier...at least not for a while.  Having a baby in the house is only going to magnify those aggressive traits, and he will become more paranoid, and possibly less in control.  If you are the "bread winner", then I imagine that he will likely be in charge of the baby for a bit....what happens if he is sleep deprived, angry, and the baby won't stop crying, and he has issues with boundaries? What happens if he hurts your child? What if he starts to believe that the baby isn't his? I'm not saying that these things WILL happen, but your DH is showing all of the warning signs that say that is IS a real possibility.  This is something that you need to take seriously.  And from the sounds of it, since you left, your are.  (And the fact that you left says that this is definitely something serious). I know that it's scary, and that sometimes that you are going to want to look for a reason to go back because it will be "easier"....but this is not healthy. You should feel lucky that you have family and friends who are willing to back you up.  And remember that they have opinions and perspective that you are too close to see.  You should NOT feel ashamed.  EVER.  And while it totally does suck that you are paying for the house that he is staying in, there are more important issues that need to be addressed.  That is not a good reason to go back home...a reason to fume, certainly, but not to go back there. 

If you really want to give him one more chance, set up an appointment for counseling, but I would ask family and friends for their opinions on the matter, both in terms of trying to make it work, and the progress he is making.  And I would beg you to have a zero tolerance standard for aggressive/abusive/paranoid type behavior.  Those signs are just too scary to ignore, especially when you are bringing a new baby home. 

[kitteh]

Wow. Big hugs to you, mama. And kudos for taking such decisive action right away and removing yourself from that horrible situation. I know that a motel probably doesn't FEEL like the best place to be, but it's much better than being under the same roof with a man who was planning to wake his pregnant wife at 3AM to yell at her and demand answers about things that happened over a decade ago--before he was even really in the picture~!!

I seriously commend you for leaving like you did. So many people who have been in abusive situations for as long as you have find it very very difficult to make that decision. I think that telling your family everything is the best approach. Their opinions of him are very telling, and if they try to keep you from getting back together with him I'd say they have good reason.

Counseling is not a bad idea, but I think that staying physically separated while going to couples counseling would be the best plan of action. Very often in situations like yours, counseling facilitates a break-up rather than repairing the relationship, because once you start to get treatment you start to see things more clearly and you begin to realize that he probably won't ever change. That might not be the case with you, but it often is. And a counselor could help you find and access the resources available to you if and when you do decide to officially sever the relationship.

[emilyfaith]

I know you must be feeling so many things right now. Take a deep breath for you and your baby. I have personally witnessed some pretty crazy relationships turned around through intense therapy. I would suggest starting therapy it will help and empower you to make a decision that you will not regret no matter what it is. Even if your husband doesn't show up or is not willing to work on things starting a safe relationship with a counselor in the midst of your turmoil can help you get through this hard time as well as become a healthier person on the other side (whether you are married or not). That said I would also call the abused women's shelter nearby and let them know what you are going through. They probably have better resources than a hotel. Above all.. Don't ever be embarrassed that you are trying to do the best thing for yourself and your baby! Get Support! Hugs to You! 
 

[JNajla]

Thank you for all of your kind words and support.  I wrote him an email today and told him how I felt about all of this, how I felt like things are out of hand and the constant stress and fighting are not what I need right now and I won't tolerate it one second longer and that I'm not coming home.  His response was that he is going to call the police and file a missing persons report and also then copied and pasted into the email a laundry list of 'narcissistic personality disorder' symptoms and states that is what I have because clearly, I'm being MANIPULATIVE by not coming home.  I about fell off of my chair.  I am so angry that I'm in this situation right now.  This is starting to affect me professionally because I'm having a hard time concentrating.  Thankfully I feel relatively good, no nausea and just slight fatigue, otherwise I would probably be more of a mess. 

[JNajla]

Crazyeight, he hasn't been physically abusive during pregnancy, but he has in the past, unfortunately.  The promises of 'I'm going to change and make this up to you" aparently clouded my questionable judgement.... 

[JNajla]

Someone mentioned "What if he starts to believe that the baby isn't his?"..... and that just raised another red flag.  Last night when we were arguing aboout all this, he did say that he was going to ask for a paternity test.   He actually thought that I got a motel room because I was cheating.  It was as if he had NO CLUE that what he was saying was intimidating to me and made me feel unsafe.  His feels like I'm 'creating drama' because he was NOT intimidating me, he was just acting angry, as he had the RIGHT to be angry because he had the RIGHT to know the 'TRUTH' about my past.  What I can't figure out is WHY NOW?  Why on earth would he care about what I did before I met him- NOW?  That was 12/13/14 years ago?!?  It makes no sense to me.  It is like this is all too much to process.  I did find the local DM advocacy group and they do have legal advocates and other serives so I'm going to contact them.  I know that I'm not going to be able to do this alone when it comes time to leave for good.  I just hope I'm strong enough to follow through with it. 

[LittleBlackBug]

I don't have much for different advice than those above, but I want to commend you for taking control of the situation. You deserve more than this at such an important time in your life. You will be an amazing mother no matter what situation you are in, but I think you can do great things on your own.

[crazyeight]

i *think* if you file for an official separation in court (and list these reasons) you should be able to get "temporary orders" of who gets what or where you are/aren't allowed to live. are you both on the mortgage? usually the mother can win the house if she wants it/can afford it fairly easily and even on temporary orders it gives you safety within your home. take a little notebook with you and write down dates/times and what kind of threat or anger issue is going on if you aren't ready for anything official yet but i understand needing to know that you aren't just going to stay in the motel forever. i found out i was pg when i was living in one of those seedy motel places, alone and quite young!

i hope your local DM place has lots of resources for you and i agree with emily that you should make an appt with a counselor (preferably one suggested or used by the DM shelter) and go but i wouldn't get my expectations up for him but for you. this would be the safe place for you to unload your negative thoughts and work them out without making your family the sounding board that is a bit biased (and can confuse you instead of helping).

i really hope you can get something worked out soon so you can have the rest of the pg to relax, prepare, heal and make sure you want to take those steps of separation, divorce or extensive counseling. also the accusal of not being his baby is pretty common. my ex accused me off it practically the same day he cheated on me (so i was told)! its their own guilty subconsious.

[willsmomm]

I'm normally in favor of working it out. My husband and I have gotten through alot of hard things and I've seen friends pull of miracles. But, while I don't know your situation very well, I think it sounds like you what you're doing makes sense. I just wanted throw out what my divorce attorney cousin would say: Please keep your texts! Back them up on the computer. Make notes of everything he says and does and make a note of any witnesses who would be willing to testify to it. This will come in very handy once your baby is born. Even if you try to work through things you never know when it could come in handy. Please make notes. And good luck to you.

[Sweet Huck]

I think you were very smart in relocating, even if it's a dirty motel for now, and I would encourage you to find your own space for a little while longer at least. More importantly, though,  I would HIGHLY recommend speaking with your care provider (midwife, etc.) as soon as possible.  Rates of domestic abuse/violence are actually higher during pregnancy than during other times of domestic partnership -- you are not alone. Your provider can help you find support networks-- whether it's housing or legal assistance, counseling, or other needs.

Take care of yourself, find the support you need.  I promise you it is out there. You are important and your needs should be met first. Later, you can revisit whether or not to pursue counseling with your husband, a true separation, etc. He's got issues, he needs help, but make sure you find what you need before trying to help him. It's kind of like what the flight attendants say on the air plane--- put your oxygen mask on before helping others.... you can't be of any help to him or your marriage unless you are okay and in a better place.

Sending you strength and love.

[blackannis]

I don't have anything different to add, JNajla, but *HUGS*. Do what you need to do to feel safe and not stressed. Hopefully there's a family member that you can perhaps go to who will honor your request that they just support you and listen so you have someone to talk to? Best wishes, and do not go back unless every single bit of you is absolutely certain that you are safe. Don't let him persuade you to come back if you have one of those nagging bits of uneasiness about the situation.

[dayiscoming2006]

How are things going? A physically abusive man is not someone you should stay with. Definitely, you need to be strong and move on and take support from your family. My mom kept going back to the, "I'm sorry, I won't do that again." He never stopped beating and emotionally abusing her for 20 years of marriage. After that he still says mean comments, but I think he got kind of old and finds it too much trouble to hit her. And maybe he's afraid he'll hurt her to the point of her not being able to work or take care of the house since she has like 4 or 5 major health issues. 

You don't need that and your baby doesn't need it. Be strong. You can do it! Don't worry about stupid comments from him. If he is going to act like that, you are better off not talking to him at all. Just file for divorce and if you can and need to, file for a restraining order. Build a case against him as much as possible. Any bad texts, emails, family witnesses. Otherwise, he might try to get joint custody of your child and you absolutely don't want that.