Do you care if someone rubs your belly without asking? « Back to Group Discussions

[Loogiejane]

DH and I went to a gathering of friends of his last weekend. People I see a couple times a year. Nice folk but no one I see myself having a lifelong relationship with as I don't have enough in common with them in terms of big things in my life. DH however, because he grew up with them, will always want to be friends with them.

I'm 14/15 wks and this was the first time we told any of them we're expecting. One girl (who really is very sweet and nice and while we have next to nothing in common, I always enjoy seeing her because she is a very sweet girl) was soooooooooo excited and happy for us and with her 5 week old baby in one arm, rubbed my belly with her other arm. Keep in mind I have mostly a fat food belly right now. This is the first time it's happened to me and I guess I expect it happen again? But I was so not into it. Thoughts i my head "yuk, ew, get off me!"

People mean well though. But yuk, I still don't like it.  It's one thing for DH to lovingly rub my belly in private when we're being all cozy best friendy just us, but another thing when it's just about anything else.

Do you like when someone out of nowhere rubs you? If not, how do you deal? Just keep your mouth shut? There's kind of nothing you can say without making the person feel awkward right? Especially since the rub lasts for just a couple seconds?

[timesway]

i dont really know, i know in the past i've been one of those people who rubs peoples bellys..ive found pregnancy fascinating all my life, but im pretty sure i ask first.. i think if it were me and someone did something in that way which made me feel uncomfortable i'd do something with humour.. either to point out how rediculous it is (i.e by just jumping in and stroking there non pregnant belly ;) ..or by going.. oi this ones my baby.. youve got yours- lagain in a lighthearted silly quick way so it doesnt seem like u mean it badly but they get the point..)

Personally i am a bit funny about personal space.. i dont mind having my space invaded but aslong as poeple ask.. maybe its a case of setting boundarys with those you see the most...and just putting up with the total strangers.. i think atm i want anyone to notice im pregnant lol or refer to me about my pregnancy (i must be so irritating to hang out with atm, its just baby baby baby) that i think i'd sortve like it.. but generally i have no idea as noones really done it to me..
 

[kimble]

I haven't been in this situation yet since this is my first, but I have a thing about personal space. I would draw the line at people that I am ok hugging/being hugged by, if they ask. Strangers don't greet one another with a hug, and it would be weird if you rubbed their belly! I really think that is the best response, and hope I have the guts to just rub the offender's belly if someone touches me without asking, or at least ask them if I can rub theirs.

Maybe the girl who touched you was feeling the earth mother spirit connection or whatever, but I think it is rude not to ask if it's not normal for them to touch you!

[Lynann]

I hate the belly rubbing. The first time it happened to me was the first time I ever came across the concept and was in total shock, even though it was a friend. I think my reaction said everything, even though I didn't say anything, just looking shocked made them realize that I wasn't expecting to be touched like that. After that the same friend always asked before she rubbed it, which wasn't as bad. I do think it is rude to touch someone without permission. But I'm a Scot, and we have one of the biggest personal space bubbles in the whole world, and the strictest cultural rules about entering another persons personal space. All my pregnancies have been here in Florida, where personal space seems like a strange concept to most people. I will admit that I never got the belly rubs with DS2, as I think I was giving off a very "don't touch me" vibe by then, and I was usually holding DS1, who still wasn't walking when DS2 was born.

[CoBabyMaker]

I really think that is the best response, and hope I have the guts to just rub the offender's belly if someone touches me without asking, or at least ask them if I can rub theirs.

This is always what I've said i would do to!

I've only had one person ever rub my belly without asking but it was someone i knew so I just let it go.

[sweetlowmom]

Seems like I'm the odd woman out here, but I actually LOVE it when people want to rub my belly! I feel like it means they are excited and happy and want to spread that special happy vibe to the baby, and get the baby's life-vibe right back at them. For me, it's one of those special things that you only get during pregnancy. Funnily enough, yesterday was the first day that someone asked me if I was pregnant, and just spontaneously reached out and rubbed my belly, and I was thrilled - I feel like, wow! I'm finally showing in a "pregnant" way and that is so exciting! I guess if it were a person that I didn't like, or found abhorrent in some way, it would bother me, but regular people, rub away! Just goes to show how everyone is different, and a lot of it is cultural too, Lynann.
 

[timesway]

lynnann-I'm 1/4 scottish(and grew up in south west uk) , wonder if thats where i get my personal space issues from :P i get cross if so much as a fly lands on me without asking first :P

I however equally am very tactile as soon as invited.. :P and am the first to hug the neighbourss auntys uncles sister :P (maybe thats the cornish, french and swiss?)
 

[nstewart]

LJ - given that it was a new mom with a 5 week old baby, I think it would bug me less because I do think you get that "earth mother vibey" thing that kimble mentioned happen during pregnancy and when you have a new babe.  Like you are so full of love and excitement that it just spills over sometimes.  lol. But I only know this because of already having DS and remembering how excited I was about pregnancy and babies and birth stories, etc.  I am sure that any of my friends without kids was horrified when I wanted to tell them by birth story in detail.  lol.

For me, it depends how far along I am and who it is.  At this point, the ONLY person who better touch my belly is me or DH..  I was out with my mom last week at a restaurant and she reached over to touch my belly and I grabbed her hand!  At this point, it just looks like I have indigestion and she's rubbing it to make it feel better!  That's fine when your 3, but not when you're 31! lol.

As I get further along, I mind less and less.  Depending on who it is I even like it.  When I am big and obviously pregnant, a well meaning friend or very good acquaintance is fine, but I do prefer if people ask.

The oddest is my DH's boss.  He has 3 kids of his own, now teenagers, and just loves pregnant bellies and the whole idea of family, babies, etc.  It's quite cute.  I only see him maybe 3 or 4 times per year.  When I was VERY pregnant with DS we went to his Canada Day party and he HAD to rub my belly.  It was a bit odd, but you could tell he was just so excited for DH and I and he doesn't know me well but my DH sits right next to him all day every day so he probably didn't feel he was crossing any boundaries.  I stopped into DH's office on Monday and DH's boss congratulated me on the pregnancy and stared at my tummy like he wanted to rub it, but thankfully resisted.  I am sure he'll try to get a touch in at DHs Xmas party though!

Do you think that it's a sub-concious "good luck" thing to rub a pregnant woman's belly?  Like rubbing Buddah's belly? 

[kimble]

Originally Posted by nstewart 

Do you think that it's a sub-concious "good luck" thing to rub a pregnant woman's belly?  Like rubbing Buddah's belly? 

Maybe good luck for those TTC especially?

[Loogiejane]

Ok well first of all what I have right now IS buddhas belly! lol. I'm 15 wks today (oh..15 weeks hi, yay hehe) and I don't have a nice round hard anything yet especially because of the fluff I had to begin with. I think cuz of the fluff it's going to take a while to develop the nice prego belly...if that even ever happens at all :P

The girl with the 5 week old also has a 4.5 yr old. I really do think it was that she was just so excited and could barely contain herself, and even though I've only met/hung out with her a few times I know she REALLY likes me and DH so maybe that added to her excitement. I know it sounds shallow but it's really her telling us to our faces...and in a very kind way she lights up every time she sees me and DH...it could be because I sort of go against the grain from the rest of the women that are usually in the crowd that are present when I see this girl. They're all great women. And one of them I particularly find a connection to because she is into a lot of natural stuff/bf'ing/natural food stuffs/gardening etc etc whereas the rest of the women are just much more mainstream. I walked into the gathering where I saw belly-rubbing-girl the other day with a newly dyed purple streak in my hair (note, I have never in my life dyed or highlighted my dark brown hair but last week I had the impulse do it so I walked into a salon and got a streak bleached and dyed...DH does not like it lol, but I love it so that's most important) and that itself is just very different from the vibe this crowd gives off. And belly-rubber asked about the streak and why I got it and whatnot and hi I am so digressing but maybe that's just one example of something that she finds relatable compared to the group, I dunno. I come off as having a very "whatevs" attitude to things. In fact, belly-rubber couldn't get over how "whatevs" I was to all her pregnancy questions "when are you due? are you SOOO EXCITED?!?!?!??! I am SO EXCITED FOR YOU GUYS!" My responses were all with a smile but very minimal like "yup, excited :)" or "we're due in May". She didn't know what to do with a due date of a whole month. I just don't get publically excited over things. Was the same way over my wedding. I had a very traditional wedding but was never very bridey bride about anything. Sometimes I feel like Miranda from SATC.

Anyway, that was a very long rant that led to nowhere lol. Sorry :P
 

[Loogiejane]

I should add that yes, I think the *intention* is pure, to rub someone's belly to send good vibes and whatnot but still, without asking I just think is weird. Like, it would be weird any other time, if I wasnt pregnant to rub my belly so why now just because I'm pregnant is it ok to do it without asking me? Having my belly rubbed feels very different than having my back rubbed unsolicited. Even getting a hug from someone new I just met I don't mind as much. I actually look at that as "ok wow so this person is very friendly, nice". But my belly is the area between by big bobo's and my netherregion so maybe that's why it feels more private.

[kimble]

Originally Posted by Loogiejane 

I should add that yes, I think the *intention* is pure, to rub someone's belly to send good vibes and whatnot but still, without asking I just think is weird. Like, it would be weird any other time, if I wasnt pregnant to rub my belly so why now just because I'm pregnant is it ok to do it without asking me? Having my belly rubbed feels very different than having my back rubbed unsolicited. Even getting a hug from someone new I just met I don't mind as much. I actually look at that as "ok wow so this person is very friendly, nice". But my belly is the area between by big bobo's and my netherregion so maybe that's why it feels more private.

I agree 100%.

I was raised to believe that someone touching you without your permission in an area normally covered by clothes is not okay. I even found it awkward when one of my dear friends at work rubbed my shoulder when she heard our news. (she's the touchy-feely type, and I've crossed that bridge with her, but it's still different). Why would that all go out the window when you're pregnant?

For some reason this whole discussion reminds me of child therapy dolls and "show me where he touched you". Not that anything done to/with and adult in public is the same as what a child may experience in private, but the ideas of violation and personal space are ingrained in our society. Maybe we're just on the spectrum and the belly-rubbers are on the other.

[MarieWalter]

Eek, I think I might lose my sh*t if this happens to me (I still don't look pregnant, so homefree for a while!). Definitely not ok with me, but so interesting to read other's perceptions and experiences, whether it's not minding or even liking it.

Just for the record ... and not to sound condescending, but truly! You get to decide who touches your body, which is the lesson you'd teach your little one, right? So you deserve the same respect. As far as making other people feel awkward, there are a range of responses that are more or less kind. You could try a little (fake) "oh!! my gosh! you startled me!" while placing your own hand/arm over your belly. Or a simple, "you're sweet, but I'd rather you not." This video (http://adultingblog.com/post/12546538203) came to mind and I thought they made a *great* point - if someone is making you feel awkward, it's ok for you to make them feel awkward while you take self-protective measures!

(Or of course, you could do like I did about 6 times in a dream the other night and get in their face with your finger and a vibrant "go f*ck yourself" ... I am not quite that confrontational in real life, but I couldn't tell enough people off in this dream! So funny when I woke up! )

[Loogiejane]

OMG....since my original post THIS happened tonight.....

I teach Hebrew school and today had 4th graders. I told the group that I am having a baby and they were soooooo excited! All the girls squealed. Then one kid (a boy), who is a nightmare and I want to strangle and is so disruptive, came up and rubbed my belly!!!!!!! HA!! I was like, "no, this is not happening". If anything I found it commical like awesome kid, you have a soft side, thankgod. I kind of moved his hand away though. But it was too funny out of ALL the girls, he, the one boy, and a NINE year old, was the one to do it.

[Loogiejane]

Um yes? your dream is hilarious. Hahaha.

[BaileyB]

I didn't read all the responses yet (DH is ready to be done being daddy-the-babysitter today). I dislike anyone touching the baby belly. We are in a super friendly, talk to strangers type area of the midwest and complete strangers will walk up to you and rub your belly in the grocery store. It makes me jump usually. Incoming! Out of no where! In the cereal aisle! I'm not really a touchy feely person anyway though so maybe it's just how I am. Actually the more pregnancies I have had the less I like to talk to others about them. Hmmm, I just realized that.

[Virginia884]

HANDS OFF OF ME!!!! Hate it, except for my very close friends.

[timesway]

see this week ive been getting everyone to squish my tummy as it feels so hard and squidgy and i dont have much of a bump to show so i think its my way of proving im preg lol.. altho to be honest its been my sisters and close friends.. it feels nice to have a good baby squidge tho sometimes, but i like to guide there hands if i do it dont think id like it if they jumped right in there but its quite low atm..

[Quinalla]

DH of course has my permission to touch my belly and DD too, but otherwise I want people to ask first. I'm not going to throw a fit if my Mom or sister touches my belly, but I will say something like "Ask next time please." I am almost always ok with it if asked, honestly even by some strangers I would be ok as I am a touchy/feely person. However, I've gotten very much on the consent bandwagon since starting to learn more about feminism and it is appalling to me now about how we have so much disregard for consent in our society. I'm not equating belly touching to groping or worse, but its all on the spectrum of consent and we have some messed up ideas about consent! It took me quite a bit of reading and learning about consent before I could really put into words why certain actions of others made me so uncomfortable and grossed out!

I have never had a stranger touch my belly while pregnant as I put off a very strong "Don't mess with me!" vibe and I am tall and big and my family always asks or I offer as I know how fun it can be to feel a baby kick. I just get the stares and happy glances and the very occasional comment.

[Kristin Dianne]

Originally Posted by Loogiejane 

DH and I went to a gathering of friends of his last weekend. People I see a couple times a year. Nice folk but no one I see myself having a lifelong relationship with as I don't have enough in common with them in terms of big things in my life. DH however, because he grew up with them, will always want to be friends with them.

I'm 14/15 wks and this was the first time we told any of them we're expecting. One girl (who really is very sweet and nice and while we have next to nothing in common, I always enjoy seeing her because she is a very sweet girl) was soooooooooo excited and happy for us and with her 5 week old baby in one arm, rubbed my belly with her other arm. Keep in mind I have mostly a fat food belly right now. This is the first time it's happened to me and I guess I expect it happen again? But I was so not into it. Thoughts i my head "yuk, ew, get off me!"

People mean well though. But yuk, I still don't like it.  It's one thing for DH to lovingly rub my belly in private when we're being all cozy best friendy just us, but another thing when it's just about anything else.

Do you like when someone out of nowhere rubs you? If not, how do you deal? Just keep your mouth shut? There's kind of nothing you can say without making the person feel awkward right? Especially since the rub lasts for just a couple seconds?

The same thing happened to me on Thanksgiving! I was about 14 weeks along and my cousin's friend who I've known since I was 14 but have never really been friends with came. She was so excited to see me because she heard that I was expecting and she leaned down to give me a hug (I was sitting) and rubbed my belly at the same time! This upset me so much! Especially because like you said it was mostly a "fat food belly!" It just made me feel fat! And she kept going on about how "pregnant" I looked! I wasn't even that far along yet! 

I've been feeling so anxious about how to tell people I don't want my belly rubbed in the future. In general I DO NOT like to be touched. Period. (Other than by my bf) I don't even like it when the pedicure people start to massage my calves. I ask them not to. I just prefer not to be touched. So the belly touching thing is probably going to be a real issue for me. I just don't understand what people are thinking!? Would they do that if I wasn't pregnant?? NO!, because it would be an invasion of my personal space just like it IS an invasion of my personal space! 

Hah sorry about the rant but this has been stressing me out lately.