In March, I started dating this guy from work, "D". Things were going really well, we got along well, etc. After a few weeks, he started getting controlling, if I didn't text him back as soon as he texted me, he would get upset, if he called and I was trying to sleep and didn't want to talk at that time, he would accuse me of stuff, if I spent time with the kids with their dad, he would accuse me of cheating on me, etc.
A few weeks after my birthday in July, we were just sitting on the couch, listening to music and talking, and he was like, "This one time, I was partying with this one girl, and we decided to have sex, but before we could have sex, she passed out. Well, my d*ck was still hard, so I was real slick, and I did it anyway."
I was like
:jaw :jaw :jaw :jaw :jaw :jaw
and he was like, "What?? It's not like I raped her!" and I said, "Actually, I think it is..."
Well, that triggered a bunch of stuff that (I know) I need to still work on from my childhood and adolescence, and knocked me into a massive depression. (I have Borderline Personality Disorder already, so that probably just escalated things.) For several weeks, it was very hard for me to function, couldn't do *anything.* I was suicidal, and every day, it was a fight to not do something stupid. (I should have checked myself into a psychiatric ward, but I was/am a single parent, so I had to think of my kids first, I knew I wasn't going to actually *do* anything, somehow.) At first, D was like, "I understand your situation, it's very difficult, and do whatever you need to do for you." But then, it got to be, "Man, you make me feel like a bad guy. You're really upsetting my life. You make me miserable. I'm almost start drinking if I'm around you. You really need to start thinking about how you are affecting me." So that just made things worse.
(I was done with the relationship at that point, but I was struggling with trying to get back on my feet, for my kids, as we had also just lost our apartment, and I was either living in my car while my kids stayed with my mom, or we were camping. I was staying "with" him because I could ride with him to work, and wouldn't have to spend nearly as much for gas, while I saved up for a house and to get things back in order so I wouldn't have to stay.)
I had contacted a counselor during this time, as I knew I needed that if I couldn't check into a psych ward, but that was short lived, because after I told her the situation, she agreed that I needed to think about how *my* actions and how *I* was was affecting *him*!!! How my actions, (someone who has been raped, and taken advantage of all my life) are affecting *his* (someone who is abusing/controlling me) life! To me, that seemed skewed, and wrong. But maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, I decided that wrong or right, she wasn't a good fit for me.
At some point during all this, he started pressuring me to have sexual relations with him. Obviously, that was the last thing on my mind. But he kept persisting, and I kept barely caring if I lived, let alone what happened to be if I was still alive, and so even though I kept turning him down for awhile, finally even telling him no took too much energy, so I just let him do whatever, even though I hated it.
Anyway. Finally, he decided that it was over, and we needed to go our separate ways, it wasn't working. Which I had known for a long time. But anyway.
For a long time, D would try and talk to me, but would always turn it around so that everything was my fault. It got to the point where I told him if he didn't stop harassing me, I would tell my supervisor. So I guess he decided rather than come up to me directly, he would start stalking/spying on me, coming back to work if he left before I did to see who was I talking to and what was I doing, asking the guys in the small group of people I started hanging out with was I dating them, what was I doing, who was I doing it with, etc. All kinds of things that *really* creeped me out.
I found out the beginning/middle of September that I'm pregnant. The kids' dad, "M", and I have been pretty close friends since we got divorced in 2010 (Weird? Maybe...), and he knew everything that was going on with D, and had been really supportive of me, with my depression and everything. But he knew when I first found out what D did that I was planning on leaving him, and at the time D disclosed the... situation, I had effectively ended our relationship, if not necessarily telling D that. Anyway, M and I started dating again a few days/a week-ish after D and I "officially" broke up. We know the baby is M's, as I know the two dates I could have conceived, and both of them fell *after* D and I ended our relationship . I had my first OB appointment at the beginning of October, and because I have had some issues with my abdominal muscles, they put me on weight restriction. So I had to turn a note in for that. Well, some friends noticed I had not been working the "usual" rotation of duties, and asked me about it, so I told them I was pregnant. Well... I guess one of my "friends" decided it was important for D to know, "because it might be his" so went behind my back and told him. So then, D came up to me one day and was like, "How's the baby?" I told him fine. He said, "Well, is it mine?" I told him no, the dates didn't add up. Then he said, "Well, I think it is mine, because I had a dream that I had two sons, and my dreams are usually premonitions. So if the baby looks like (shows me a picture of his son shortly after his birth), you know it's mine. And my family doesn't make girls, so if it's a girl, you know it's "homeboy's" but if it's a son, you know it's mine." I said it didn't matter, because I knew the dates didn't coincide. He then proceeded to tell me that "We'll see..." when I show him pictures or introduce him to the baby. I was like, I'm not going to do that, because I know it's not yours, and I *really* want you to leave me alone. He kept saying things about seeing when he sees the baby. That creeped me out, because I kept insisting I wasn't going to bring the baby to him, but he kept insisting that he's going to see it. And he's told a lot of people at work about the situation, and a girl that we both talk to came up to me, and was warning me that he was saying these things, and telling me other things he's said, and asking me if I had "protection" in my house, but put away, in case I might need it, because she knows him and she knows he's weird/creepy/maybe even a little crazy.
So now, I'm freaking out that he's going to start stalking me. When I drive to work (my car's in shop right now, and my mom is taking me and picking me up), I never go the same way, because I'm terrified he's going to follow me home. I hate being at home at night when M isn't here, because I'm afraid he's going to show up, or come looking for my house. I'm seeing an OB in the same town he lives in (it's the best in the area), and I'm afraid to keep going there, and really want to switch to a new hospital, even if it's farther away, and lower quality, because I'm afraid somehow he'll figure out that I had the baby, and will come looking for me/us. We just got a house recently, and I'm afraid to even go to the bathroom, because I have to walk past window with no cover, and I'm afraid he'll figure out where we live and see what's going on. I'm afraid he's going to send someone/come himself to try and see the baby after it's born. I'm terrified to go grocery shop, or leave my house. I love my job, but every day, I worry what is he going to do today? And everybody just keeps telling me how messed up this guy is, and the more they tell me, the more freaked out I get, but I don't tell them to stop telling me, because I need to know just what he's capable of. The house we rent now is *perfect* for us, but I'm even considering moving because I'm afraid he's already followed me home and knows where we live. M and I are going to remarry in January, when insurance is supposed to stop being able to deny people on "pre-existing conditions" so that if they take away my pregnant medicaid, I can get on his work insurance, and *hopefully* D will have a harder time trying to interfere with our lives. (I think it would be harder for him to get a court-ordered paternity test? I can't find anything definitive online, but it seems like if a couple is married at the time the child is born, the child is presumed the husband's, unless he believes otherwise and contests? and that *maybe* D wouldn't even have a proverbial leg to stand on, should he try to take me to court.)
When I tried to talk to my mom, she thought that maybe the baby was his (even though I told her otherwise) and was like, "Well, if he wants to have to pay child support for the next 18-20 years, that's his choice." But even if the baby *was* his, it's not "okay." I realize he didn't rape me, (that's a very strong accusation, and that's not the situation) but he took advantage of my "condition" to have what he wanted, knowing I wouldn't/couldn't turn him down. (Literally. Someone could have done/said anything to me, and I wouldn't or couldn't have objected.) That makes me feel just as bad as when I *did* get raped, if not worse, because he didn't force me, but... I don't know how to explain it, but it makes me feel bad, still.
I don't know what I was trying to get from typing this all out. Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I just want to talk/needed to get it out, and... no one seems to understand. This is supposed to be a really happy time for me, being pregnant, and feeling baby move, and starting to show, and our family growing and everything, but I am so stressed about the situation, and I don't know what to do.
I wish I had never been so stupid to trust someone.