Need to Get This Out, Maybe Someone Will Understand (May Be Triggering) **UPDATE POST 7**

[bmcneal]

In March, I started dating this guy from work, "D". Things were going really well, we got along well, etc. After a few weeks, he started getting controlling, if I didn't text him back as soon as he texted me, he would get upset, if he called and I was trying to sleep and didn't want to talk at that time, he would accuse me of stuff, if I spent time with the kids with their dad, he would accuse me of cheating on me, etc.

A few weeks after my birthday in July, we were just sitting on the couch, listening to music and talking, and he was like, "This one time, I was partying with this one girl, and we decided to have sex, but before we could have sex, she passed out. Well, my d*ck was still hard, so I was real slick, and I did it anyway."

I was like

 :jaw :jaw :jaw :jaw :jaw :jaw

and he was like, "What?? It's not like I raped her!" and I said, "Actually, I think it is..."

Well, that triggered a bunch of stuff that (I know) I need to still work on from my childhood and adolescence, and knocked me into a massive depression. (I have Borderline Personality Disorder already, so that probably just escalated things.) For several weeks, it was very hard for me to function, couldn't do *anything.* I was suicidal, and every day, it was a fight to not do something stupid. (I should have checked myself into a psychiatric ward, but I was/am a single parent, so I had to think of my kids first, I knew I wasn't going to actually *do* anything, somehow.) At first, D was like, "I understand your situation, it's very difficult, and do whatever you need to do for you." But then, it got to be, "Man, you make me feel like a bad guy. You're really upsetting my life. You make me miserable. I'm almost start drinking if I'm around you. You really need to start thinking about how you are affecting me." So that just made things worse.

(I was done with the relationship at that point, but I was struggling with trying to get back on my feet, for my kids, as we had also just lost our apartment, and I was either living in my car while my kids stayed with my mom, or we were camping. I was staying "with" him because I could ride with him to work, and wouldn't have to spend nearly as much for gas, while I saved up for a house and to get things back in order so I wouldn't have to stay.)

I had contacted a counselor during this time, as I knew I needed that if I couldn't check into a psych ward, but that was short lived, because after I told her the situation, she agreed that I needed to think about how *my* actions and how *I* was was affecting *him*!!! How my actions, (someone who has been raped, and taken advantage of all my life) are affecting *his* (someone who is abusing/controlling me) life! To me, that seemed skewed, and wrong. But maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, I decided that wrong or right, she wasn't a good fit for me.

At some point during all this, he started pressuring me to have sexual relations with him. Obviously, that was the last thing on my mind. But he kept persisting, and I kept barely caring if I lived, let alone what happened to be if I was still alive, and so even though I kept turning him down for awhile, finally even telling him no took too much energy, so I just let him do whatever, even though I hated it.

Anyway. Finally, he decided that it was over, and we needed to go our separate ways, it wasn't working. Which I had known for a long time. But anyway.

For a long time, D would try and talk to me, but would always turn it around so that everything was my fault. It got to the point where I told him if he didn't stop harassing me, I would tell my supervisor. So I guess he decided rather than come up to me directly, he would start stalking/spying on me, coming back to work if he left before I did to see who was I talking to and what was I doing, asking the guys in the small group of people I started hanging out with was I dating them, what was I doing, who was I doing it with, etc. All kinds of things that *really* creeped me out.

I found out the beginning/middle of September that I'm pregnant. The kids' dad, "M", and I have been pretty close friends since we got divorced in 2010 (Weird? Maybe...), and he knew everything that was going on with D, and had been really supportive of me, with my depression and everything. But he knew when I first found out what D did that I was planning on leaving him, and at the time D disclosed the... situation, I had effectively ended our relationship, if not necessarily telling D that. Anyway, M and I started dating again a few days/a week-ish after D and I "officially" broke up. We know the baby is M's, as I know the two dates I could have conceived, and both of them fell *after* D and I ended our relationship . I had my first OB appointment at the beginning of October, and because I have had some issues with my abdominal muscles, they put me on weight restriction. So I had to turn a note in for that. Well, some friends noticed I had not been working the "usual" rotation of duties, and asked me about it, so I told them I was pregnant. Well... I guess one of my "friends" decided it was important for D to know, "because it might be his" so went behind my back and told him. So then, D came up to me one day and was like, "How's the baby?" I told him fine. He said, "Well, is it mine?" I told him no, the dates didn't add up. Then he said, "Well, I think it is mine, because I had a dream that I had two sons, and my dreams are usually premonitions. So if the baby looks like (shows me a picture of his son shortly after his birth), you know it's mine. And my family doesn't make girls, so if it's a girl, you know it's "homeboy's" but if it's a son, you know it's mine." I said it didn't matter, because I knew the dates didn't coincide. He then proceeded to tell me that "We'll see..." when I show him pictures or introduce him to the baby. I was like, I'm not going to do that, because I know it's not yours, and I *really* want you to leave me alone. He kept saying things about seeing when he sees the baby. That creeped me out, because I kept insisting I wasn't going to bring the baby to him, but he kept insisting that he's going to see it. And he's told a lot of people at work about the situation, and a girl that we both talk to came up to me, and was warning me that he was saying these things, and telling me other things he's said, and asking me if I had "protection" in my house, but put away, in case I might need it, because she knows him and she knows he's weird/creepy/maybe even a little crazy.

So now, I'm freaking out that he's going to start stalking me. When I drive to work (my car's in shop right now, and my mom is taking me and picking me up), I never go the same way, because I'm terrified he's going to follow me home. I hate being at home at night when M isn't here, because I'm afraid he's going to show up, or come looking for my house. I'm seeing an OB in the same town he lives in (it's the best in the area), and I'm afraid to keep going there, and really want to switch to a new hospital, even if it's farther away, and lower quality, because I'm afraid somehow he'll figure out that I had the baby, and will come looking for me/us. We just got a house recently, and I'm afraid to even go to the bathroom, because I have to walk past window with no cover, and I'm afraid he'll figure out where we live and see what's going on. I'm afraid he's going to send someone/come himself to try and see the baby after it's born. I'm terrified to go grocery shop, or leave my house. I love my job, but every day, I worry what is he going to do today? And everybody just keeps telling me how messed up this guy is, and the more they tell me, the more freaked out I get, but I don't tell them to stop telling me, because I need to know just what he's capable of. The house we rent now is *perfect* for us, but I'm even considering moving because I'm afraid he's already followed me home and knows where we live. M and I are going to remarry in January, when insurance is supposed to stop being able to deny people on "pre-existing conditions" so that if they take away my pregnant medicaid, I can get on his work insurance, and *hopefully* D will have a harder time trying to interfere with our lives. (I think it would be harder for him to get a court-ordered paternity test? I can't find anything definitive online, but it seems like if a couple is married at the time the child is born, the child is presumed the husband's, unless he believes otherwise and contests? and that *maybe* D wouldn't even have a proverbial leg to stand on, should he try to take me to court.)

When I tried to talk to my mom, she thought that maybe the baby was his (even though I told her otherwise) and was like, "Well, if he wants to have to pay child support for the next 18-20 years, that's his choice." But even if the baby *was* his, it's not "okay." I realize he didn't rape me, (that's a very strong accusation, and that's not the situation) but he took advantage of my "condition" to have what he wanted, knowing I wouldn't/couldn't turn him down. (Literally. Someone could have done/said anything to me, and I wouldn't or couldn't have objected.) That makes me feel just as bad as when I *did* get raped, if not worse, because he didn't force me, but... I don't know how to explain it, but it makes me feel bad, still.

I don't know what I was trying to get from typing this all out. Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I just want to talk/needed to get it out, and... no one seems to understand. This is supposed to be a really happy time for me, being pregnant, and feeling baby move, and starting to show, and our family growing and everything, but I am so stressed about the situation, and I don't know what to do.

I wish I had never been so stupid to trust someone.

[Kaydove]

First, hugs. Second, Congrats on your pregnancy!

Have you talked to the HR department at work? Your manager? HR needs to know about his erratic behaviour. I would also call the police and tell them how afraid you are if this guy. Also tell them about him admitting raping someone.

I hope this all resolves quickly for you.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

[pek64]

You are really brave to have reached out to us. That took courage. And finding the right therapist is good! Your mom probably just wants to hope things are better than you say, because she thinks that'll be easier. She's wrong, of course, but not likely to change. Besides, you have more important things to do than trying to help her see the error of her ways. Try to let her comments flow away from you. You have to help yourself and your child right now. Keep trying to find support in real life, as well as here. You have strength. Keep us informed on how things progress. Thanks.

[Snapdragon]

perhaps you could look into the idea of a restraining order against this man?

Also I highly recommend a book-- peace from broken pieces by Iyanla Vanzant. It talks about the pattens that are instilled into our lives through generations- specifically the negative abuse patterns that get passed down through generations- and how to deal with that.

Good luck!

[shagonarock]

Congrats on your pregnancy and coming remarriage :)

It's ok bmcneal, you didn;t trigger me. I've been through some of this stuff and heard it from other women so I'm kind of desensitized.

I wouldn't worry ahead but I'd definitely be cautious. This guy sounds really creepy and controlling, and what he did to you was coerced sex (AKA rape which is pretty much the same thing). He already admitted to one rape.

Oh yeah, and you're not stupid. He found you when you were vulnerable and preyed on when you couldn't stop him, it's what abusers do. Is it possible for you to see someone so you can feel a bit better about what happened and not blame yourself?

Please ignore the counsellor you saw, there are some pretty counter-productive ones out there and she seems to have bought into victim blaming and denying your reality. She has no idea about abusive relationships, do just dump that out the back of your head.

I think your instincts are right, he will be making a pest of himself and refusing to take no for an answer as he already is, so I'd make sure your partner was worded up and supportive. Find small ways to care for yourself, anything that makes you feel better like covering the window with a sheet and getting rides will help. I'd also have a word to this woman who took it on herself to spread your private business to Mister Bully, tell her that she needs to butt out and respect your privacy or you won't talk to her. (Or I'd just lose her if you don't feel she won't keep going behind your back and inflaming the situation.)

Do you feel safe at work? I would tell your supervisor, and approach him/her again if the creepy ex continues harassing you about seeing the baby. Can you enlist the woman who warned you of his creepiness to support you when you speak to your boss? Think about if you want to go back to that work after the birth.

I'd also talk to the police, especially if there's any more hassling or things like checking up on you/trying to come to your house.

(If there's any more of that sort of thing- *write down what happens with the time and date every time*, that's what's needed to prove stalking and get a restraining order.

If it gets to that, which I hope it won't - I'd also recommend you get linked in with a womens legal service and someone from a Domestic Violence service.)

Edited by shagonarock - 11/18/12 at 10:12am

[moonstarhome]

I'd get a restraining order on him. You should not be living in fear. I hope you have a relaxing remainder of your pregnancy, if you can.
 

* And that "therapist" should lose her license. that is HORRIBLE that she would try to say you are partly to blame for that.

[bmcneal]

Thanks, everyone! I haven't talked to HR at work, yet, because I'm not sure exactly what to say, and I think part of it, they would probably side with him, or say why did I wait so long.

I tried to talk to one of my friends from outside work, just because I needed to talk to someone, and she said, "Well, I can understand if he thinks it's his why he'd be stalker-ish about it." So I stopped talking to her about it, because... that just seems flawed to me, somehow. But maybe I'm wrong.

I tried to talk to my mom on Friday, when she picked me up from work, to see if she would come with me to the police station, because I'm really scared/nervous, and feel very insecure right now, and thought she would support me. She said that most guys like him are all talk, and do I really think he wants to spend time/energy/money on this baby? I said I don't know if he does or not, but that I think he wants to bother/harass/control me, any way he can. So then she started talking about how she knows one situation personally, where the lady was married, and a separate man (not the husband) requested a paternity test, and he was granted it. I told her that as far as I know (99% sure), I was not sexually active with D during the time I conceived (because I don't remember a *lot* of what happened during that time, but, like I said, from what I know, the dates don't add up). She said, "Oh, well, this lady was supposedly not active with the other guy, either." So I was like... you think I'm lying?? And then she started talking about how there are a lot of cases where rapists end up getting visitation, and shared custody, and child support, and all the other kid rights, and I was like, "seriously?" I don't know why she's doing this to me, I guess I should have known better than to expect her to help me. This is the same person who said "You should have watched where you went." when I told her I got raped last time. So I feel like there isn't really anyone I can talk to in real life, because they always say the same/similar things.

Then when I got to work this afternoon, I was getting into my locker, and D passed by me. I just had glance up to see because I saw movement, and instinct, and it was him, and he gave me a look, I don't know how to explain it, but it was like checking me out or something. (Not in attractive way, just like, "what are you doing...?" and that bothered me, and then I just started thinking about everything, and being nervous, and realized he really isn't going to leave it alone, and then thinking about what my mom said, and almost had panic attack. I went to the bathroom and texted DF everything that my mom said, and how scared I was, and really, I just wanted to come home, and that I want to go to police station and try and talk to them. He said not to listen to what anyone else says, and that he will stick with me and support me in whatever I want to do, so we're going to go talk to them tomorrow.

I thought about trying to see the guy that told me that he was being creepy to see if he would back me, but that is also the same person who told him I was pregnant, so I especially don't trust him. There are a couple of other people that know how creepy he is, and that he's admitted things to that he's done (to me) to, but they sit with him at breaks, and talk to him, so I'm not sure how much to trust them, to try and talk to them, or if they are just going to tell me to be careful, because he's crazy, and then when I talk to them, are they going to just turn around and tell him everything I said? So I feel like I can't trust anyone.

I'm going to try and find another counselor/therapist, but this isn't the first time that I've trusted a counselor, just to have them either quit because they "couldn't handle it", or tell me I don't *really* NEED counseling (the day after I was discharged from psychiatric hospital for attempted suicide!!!), or some other reason to just drop me. It took me a really long time to call this one, and (at the time) it was last chance kind of thing. I wish/hope I can find one I can trust, and that will actually try and help me.

Thank you, everyone. It's kind of nice to know there are a few people who listen/understand, even if I can't "see" you. It means a lot.

[pek64]

Most people don't want to get involved, or face the difficult aspects of reality. If your mother is like mine, years from now, when this is just a distant memory, and this event is discussed, she'll tell you things you want to be hearing from her now. Annoying, but what can you do. For now, keep staying strong. Is a job change possible? It would make some parts of this easier.

There's a big difference between being concerned that the child is his, and wanting to do the right thing, and stalking. Stalking is about control. You know from the raping that he is interested in controlling you. Those who say otherwise are more interested in their own misguided feeling if security, so they blame the victim. For them it's easier to believe you did something wrong, and justify his actions, than accept that they might find themselves is a similar situation, some day.

I really think it will help if you find a counselor who can help you through this.

[Snapdragon]

-

Edited by Snapdragon - 11/20/12 at 8:41pm

[Greenlea]

#1 - tell a supervisor or HR dept at your work about D. What he is doing is harassment and is not okay in the workplace (or any other place).

#2 - if he still bothers you about the baby, a DNA test is your best bet. Not because I don't believe you, bu simply to get him off your back.

[SleeplessMommy]

You need a lawyer, if there is any way you can afford one. Lawyer can advise on a restraining order, informing hr at your works, and how the custodyaws work in your state. (If there is any chance he is the bio dad) one option is to relocate with your fiance to the state with the very best custodyaws for your situation. (Utah?) this has to be done before the baby is born. Lawyer can advise if this is needed.

[bmcneal]

We didn't get to go to police station today. We both fell asleep. :( But we are going to for sure go tomorrow. I'm going to try and wait until after Thanksgiving, so I don't ruin it for everyone like I usually do, but I'm going to check myself into hospital. I keep trying to be okay, but... it's been too long, and I can't do it by myself. I am going to end up doing something stupid, to hurt myself and the baby. I wish I was never pregnant, and then I wouldn't have to do this. I should have stayed to myself, like I wanted to, and not talked to anyone or let anyone near me. All the time, people controlling me, and I don't want them to, and then finally think I might be okay, and now he have chance to control me forever. I just want to die, and it probably would be better if the baby isn't born, either, then I don't have to worry that he ever can steal my baby away.

[pek64]

Please take care of yourself and this child. You are valuable. Call a hotline. Talk to someone tonight!

[cyclamen]

Thinking of you bmcneal - you are precious.  Please do what you need to to keep yourself and your baby safe.  I am sure that your family would want you to be safe on Thanksgiving.

[pek64]

How are you today?

I'm still thinking about you, and sending you positive thoughts.

Something that has helped me is "The greater the challenge, the greater the joy". This is indeed a very challenging time. So the future joy will be great. You just have to get through this to get there!

[shagonarock]

This sounds like a really toxic situation with work.

I know it'll be tough and understand if these things aren't possible... but you might want to consider going on maternity leave early to get yourself away from work and D, and possibly getting a different job afterwards so you don't have to return to this workplace.

Please lose the people that share your private business and discount your experiences of rape.

It's not your fault, you left someone then reunited with your partner to have a baby. D should just butt out, he's making up garbage to make out it's his so he can continue trying to control you... last time I checked gender did not equal parentage.

I'd approach the manager and tell him/her about D badgering and checking up on you, and your concerns for what he might possibly do ie stalking/harassment. It's possible HR won't do their job but definitely try. Don't accept any fobbing off, and have an informal word to police about a personal safety order when you can.

[bmcneal]

I talked to HR the other day, I finally found a time when I was there, and they were there.

Basically, they said that since I chose to have a relationship where baby could happen (I didn't choose...), then they *completely* understand that he's bothering/pestering/harassing me, and that I should expect that??? But that they would have a discussion with him regarding productivity, because, "if he's talking, he's not being as productive as he could be."

So now I feel like one more person saying that I brought this on myself, but not only that, but that I *deserve* this. I don't know what to do anymore. I keep just thinking, "Two more months, two more months." and hoping that nothing bad happens between now and then.

[pek64]

Blaming the victim is common. It is harmful to the victim, but allows the others to feel secure and avoid unpleasantness. The HR person doesn't want a difficult job of intervening. That's all. That response had nothing to do with you. And right or wrong, THIS is where you are. Find ways to increase your power and confidence. You are worth the effort!

[journeymom]

Bmcneal, do you have access to an Employee Assistance Program through work?  If so, you might be able to get a one time free consultation with a lawyer, as well as a few visits with a counselor.  I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need. 

[TIFF4NY]

I'm very sorry you are dealing with so many negative and ignorant reactions. I hope you can continue to come here to find the support you need to help you power through this. And bless your DF for being such a great man through this. I really hope there is a solution that presents itself and D leaves you alone for good. Please try to push him out of your mind and do what is best for you and your family. <3 <3