Help Me Learn Appropriate Expectations?

[bmcneal]

A little bit of history. I was abused as a child, very severely. The expectations put on me, for just about everything, were very high. And if I didn't meet them, the consequences were brutal. So I don't have a very good frame of reference, when it comes to my own children.

My question is, what are/should be reasonable expectations for a 3-year old and a 6-year old?

Alternately, what types of responsibilities do/does your children/child have, if they are similar in age to my children?

Sometimes, I feel like I expect too much, but other times, I feel like I'm being too lax, for fear of expecting too much.

I realize I'm starting a little later than I should in trying to figure all this out, but lately, it's really been bothering me, not knowing what healthy, age-appropriate expectations are.

For example, DD (6) sometimes likes to wash dishes. So I let her. But I feel like maybe making that a regular chore would be setting too high of expectations, so I don't *make* her.

This is really difficult for me. Thanks in advance for any input/opinions.

[ntmillard90]

My kids all begin 'jobs' at age three along with their regular responsibility's; making beds, picking up toys, cleaning room. The chores usually vary by age ability and they all have one. For example my three year olds job is setting the table, my five year olds job is to pick up the dog poop, and my seven year olds job is taking out the trash. Every few months I give them the option to change the chore.The chore is what is required and is what is expected to be done each day. They don't have a problem with it and know they are helping the family when they do there jobs. Also Saturdays we all clean the house together and I may ask each of them to help me with all the tasks. We are a team when it comes to cleaning and chores.

Doing the dishes is a great job for a six year old as long as they are supervised due to heavy dishes, sharp knives, and hot water. If you want to make it seem more special and rewarding tell her she is helping you out by doing the dishes.

[Abby Normal]

My goal with jobs and expectations was not to make them... unlikeable? I didn't force much, other than basic cleaning up after themselves. (And event hen, force isn't the word I'd use). I encouraged the helpful cleaning behavior by thanking them and being specific about how it helped the family and/or me. Often times we'd have more time for park or games because they'd helped. ;o) 

My kids are older now and so very busy- choir, orchestra, school, student council, Odyssey of the Mind- so many things to do! I try to make it so that when we are together, we are really together. But they help, they jump in voluntarily, and we all work together to keep the house running smoothly. No assigned chores, because we never know who is going to have a bad week and who is going to have a light load. 

I think every family has to find their balance. I come from disfunction and abuse, and I was the primary housemaid as a child. I absolutely did not want to do that to my kids, but I don't want them to be lazy or entitled either. I think we all have to find that balance where we feel comfortable. Trust your gut on this one, because there are no clear external answers. Personally, we focus on empathy... and I think that brings it all together. If kids understand the feelings of others, then helping and contributing is going to naturally follow. Your DC already has a natural desire to help, as do most kids. It WILL ebb and flow with their phases (so don't panic, it's nothing longer term if you keep open communication), but at the end of the day they are naturally inclined to helping and being involved un the family functioning. 

When they are young, my main goal is in teaching. I showed them how to clean grout, or get stains out, or sweep things effectively into the dustpan. The little things we take for granted, like holding the dustpan at an angle and applying pressure. How to not only wash laundry, but hang up wet clothes that may have a stain so it doesn't set. I think that takes them further than a routine chore on their current level can. 

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by bmcneal 

A little bit of history. I was abused as a child, very severely. The expectations put on me, for just about everything, were very high. And if I didn't meet them, the consequences were brutal. So I don't have a very good frame of reference, when it comes to my own children.

My question is, what are/should be reasonable expectations for a 3-year old and a 6-year old?

Alternately, what types of responsibilities do/does your children/child have, if they are similar in age to my children?

• I think learning this is a cornerstone of GD. I also don't think we tend to think about it much when our babies are young because it isn't something that matters as much. While I really think expectations are best made on a child by child basis, I do think you can look to peer groups to see what may be reasonable for your child. By 3 I would think many children can begin to dress themselves and pick-up some toys. They may be able to carry some groceries and help with small chores around the house. I think they tend to respond to fairly simple, direct instructions for doing things "now" rather than a lecture on what to do down the road. They can probably put things in the recycling and garbage. By 6 my DC had chores. She emptied the dishwasher for sure and did some limited food prep and lunch making. Got herself dressed, kept her room clean (this is something she magically enjoys doing), keeps track of her things. Brings things upstairs from the steps and etc. 

For example, DD (6) sometimes likes to wash dishes. So I let her. But I feel like maybe making that a regular chore would be setting too high of expectations, so I don't *make* her.

• My DC's chores started from things she enjoyed and/or things that were fairly easy for her. Also, I tried to give her chores that were actually helpful for me/DH. From there we set an expectation that they would get done and DC has risen to the occasion fairly well. I think a key is to make them helpful to you and reasonably easy for your child so you are consistent. 

[MrsGregory]

bmcneal, I have a similar background, and I'm wondering about this as well.  I am still of a mindset that "There is a right way to do things." and this is one of the primary sources of friction between my husband and I.  So I appreciate this topic and the input here.

[Xerxella]

Overall, given your background, I would lean to the side of leniancy. We recently started the classic sticker chart which was simple and fun. The kids seemed to better with one big cleaning day a week when they'd earn their stickers. They actually seemed to enjoy it. Daily "chores" like getting dressed or hanging up your coat are just things that are expected. And, there's always some simple random requests of anyone to set the table or help bring in groceries.

It's simple and more of the mindset that we're a family and all need to pitch in together to keep our house running well. (That doesn't mean they don't need to be reminded to hang up their coat, just that it's not a big deal when they forget and need to be reminded.)