12 Weeks DH says he feels trapped, threatening to leave

[junebirdie]

Hi 

I am 12 and a half weeks along and my first trimester has been very difficult. I've been nauseous all day every day for 8 weeks straight and extremely fatigued, sleeping at least 12 hrs a day. My husband has not been very happy about this pregnancy. We got pregnant (a surprise) back in March and it ended in a miscarriage at 9 weeks in May. I had another surprise in September and when I told DH the news he got really upset and said he "didn't want this". He was supportive the first time around coming with me to every appointment and doting on me about how beautiful I was. This time around he is different, making comments about feeling like a bird in a cage and that he's not happy. He didn't come with me to my first ultrasound and opted instead to sleep in. A little bit of the back story- the first time I got pregnant we made the decision to move to a different city, one much smaller and 4 hrs away from all of our family and friends. I entered a 6 month school program. Since we've been here it has been stressful due to me not being able to find work while in school. DH found work but it doesn't pay very much. He lost all of the money he had been saving up because he had to pay for both of our expenses.The last 6 months have been filled with lots of financial anxiety. Not knowing anyone has added to the stress. We haven't been able to afford to go out or do anything fun. I am graduating this week and luckily found a good paying job back in our old city. DH says he agrees that moving back will be the best thing but that he's not happy about it and he's going to "try and not resent me". He gets mad that I lay around all of the time and often comments that I don't do anything. I'm feeling really alone and confused. DH told me today that once we get back to the city if things don't change he's done and that he's not sure if this is "it" for him whether were having a child or not. Others tell me it's normal for the man to freak out and want to jump ship and to say things like that but I just don't know anymore. I feel really hurt by his comments and it's hard to not take it personally . I've worked really hard to get through this school program and it's a slap in the face to be treated like I don't do anything because I'm so sick all of the time. I thought he'd be more patient and compassionate but instead it seems all he cares about is getting his freedom back. Help! 

[fruitfulmomma]

Not sure I have much advise, but a couple of thoughts... 1)It is possible he is distancing himself from the newest baby so that he doesn't get hurt again if you lose it and using frustrations elsewhere as an excuse. 2) He is already a father with financial obligations to the child. Leaving you doesn't get him out of that. I hope he realizes that before he makes any decisions.

[DayDreamer7]

You mentioned you moved away from friends and family, have no money to go out and have fun, and difficulty finding a job. Honestly how do you not feel like you're stuck in a cage?! -sry just trying to make you smile--I feel like sometimes when people feel like everything is out of control they grasp for the only thing they can control. That being that he can stay or leave. I don't know how open you two can be, but could it help if you talked to him about maybe feeling trapped in general and not by the baby? When life isn't going how you hoped it can be really confusing to shuffle through. My 1st pregnancy was unexpected and we went through a lot of emotions kind of what your hubby is going through. Looking back on it all we were just in a bad place at the time. We stuck it out and are happier than ever. 

I guess I don't really have advice. Just that I feel like I've been through what you are going through. Sometimes it can really help if you can both talk about your fears and what you want your life to be like. Not like you're going to kiss and make up right away. Atleast you might be able to figure out what feelings belong where...KWIM? 

[loveandgarbage]

I think a certain amount of "freak out" is normal for some men, but honestly from what you've described he's going way over the line of decency. What really stuck out to me from your post is that you've gone through a 6 month school program, the last part of that being extremely ill due to first trimester ickiness, and did so well that you got a great job offer. And he's complaining that you're actually resting when you can and should be? Wow. You have every right to take his words/attitude personally!

I agree that talking about fears is a great idea. And your relationship in general. Here's my philosophy with relationships: all feelings are valid, all actions are not. We all deserve to be treated with respect.

[junebirdie]

Thanks for the replies. Things have actually improved quite a bit since I posted this. I think the combination of everything that has been difficult here in a new place with being sick 8 weeks straight and kind of trapped in a small apt with a partner who is worried about the upcoming changes, things just got REALLY tense and exploded. I'm feeling much, much better now.  My nausea has almost gone away for the most part and I have energy again.  I forget that I've spent half of this year in a first trimester  Thats enough to make anyone start to feel crazy. I guess it really helps to have other women around who've been through pregnancy to talk to about some of the craziness and MOODS that can happen. DH is such a good kind hearted person that it really just shocked me he was reacting in such a way but as I've heard from many women, men process their emotions differently and express them (or don't for that matter) differently as well. I know everything will work out and be just fine. I think once the baby arrives you realize how worth it it all is.