What do you do if your child refuses to go to school - Page 2

[Neera]

Originally Posted by meemee 

could she be bored in school? thus needs more challenging work.

i think with many things its hard for them to explain why. they can feel the emotion, but they cant explain it. common and normal. 

so then it becomes important for you to figure out the why.

is she a high energy child? during K and first though school was 15mins away we left an hour early and dd skipped and hopped along and we stopped at the park or did stuff so she could concentrate in class. 

Meemee, I am seriously beginning to think she might be bored. Last night she went to sleep at 7.30. I woke her up at 7.00 That is about an hour to an hour and a half earlier than her usual bed time but we still had tantrums. A few days ago we went to the library. They had story time for a younger age group and there were about 2-3 kids there. Dd joined the group. She ended up reading the children's librarian's book to the group. The librarian came up to me afterwards and said dd was Wow. We just don't have the resources to test her i.q. etc right now. But, I wish I knew what was going on with her. It is a huge drain every morning.

I should add that the book was a advanced for her age although it was for an age group about 1/2 a yr younger since the librarian was going to read it.

Edited by Neera - 11/28/12 at 1:07pm

[pbjmama]

Have you talked to the teacher?

[mamazee]

If it were once, I'd assume my child was getting sick and let her stay home.

It sounds like this is a regular thing. I would check how much sleep she gets (which you did), what she has for breakfast (my older kid does much better with a protein-based breakfast like eggs than a grain-based breakfast like cereal), and then check if there's something at school that is causing trouble. So yes, if she's bored and not wanting to go to school for that reason, I'd meet with the teacher and see if there are any options that could help.

[sharon71]

I have an issue with my 7 yr old not wanting to go to school,it's a battle at least 3 days a week,she will run and hide, kick and scream refuse to get dressed,etc at least 1-2 days we get to school 15-30 mins late or she'll miss maybe 1 day every couple weeks. After talking with her teacher and Therapist we determined it is because she's afraid of disappointing us and her teacher if she can't doesn't know the work,etc, and that she is afraid of being picked on.

DD has ADHD,ODD,is bipolar and has GAD.
 

[Mummoth]

I usually say "Remember, when you're sick you stay in bed all day." Treat her like she's actually sick... it's really boring. You don't get to eat whatever you want, if your sick you only feel like a piece of toast, maybe some applesauce. You don't feel like playing or watching TV, you don't feel like talking much and you probably need a nap. She can have some books in bed and that's about it for entertainment. That has usually cured my kids pretty quickly.

For trouble with the morning routine, we've had that from time to time. Does she know what she has to do, is it the same stuff every day? My kids have it laid out really simple: Get dressed, breakfast, pack your snack. I have them put stuff away in their back pack as soon as they're done homework at night, so that's already taken care of... and sometimes they decide to get dressed at bedtime the night before (which I think sounds really uncomfortable but whatever!) Anyway, would she do a few tasks for a reward? getting to pick their own snack is enough motivation for my kids.

I know you said she needs her uniform, but would you be willing to bring her to school in pajamas with her uniform in a bag? She can get dressed at school if she can't organize herself to do it at home. For her hair, I'd say if she won't let you brush it and can't take care of it herself, maybe she needs a shorter hair cut? 

[Neera]

Originally Posted by sharon71 

I have an issue with my 7 yr old not wanting to go to school,it's a battle at least 3 days a week,she will run and hide, kick and scream refuse to get dressed,etc at least 1-2 days we get to school 15-30 mins late or she'll miss maybe 1 day every couple weeks. After talking with her teacher and Therapist we determined it is because she's afraid of disappointing us and her teacher if she can't doesn't know the work,etc, and that she is afraid of being picked on.

DD has ADHD,ODD,is bipolar and has GAD.
 

I wish I could have dd checked. Right now we don't even have a single full time job and obviously no benefits either.

I think she gets mostly praised a lot. Her report for performance at school was excellent for everything. I don't really know if at this age most of them do excellent or what the percent is. Her teacher said that whether anyone else is paying attention or not she always is v. focused. She impresses people a lot. I don't know if that is what kids their age do. Library staff at our old town and the present one see her and show eagerness to have a conversation with her. They always look forward to seeing her and engaging her. Those are some examples. My brother had thought one time she might be gifted. However, she is too young to find out. She isin't way advanced so I wonder about it anyways. But, she is v. clear. Her language, her reading, her thoughts or logic I'd say. It's like talking to a grown up.

[Neera]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

I usually say "Remember, when you're sick you stay in bed all day." Treat her like she's actually sick... it's really boring. You don't get to eat whatever you want, if your sick you only feel like a piece of toast, maybe some applesauce. You don't feel like playing or watching TV, you don't feel like talking much and you probably need a nap. She can have some books in bed and that's about it for entertainment. That has usually cured my kids pretty quickly.

For trouble with the morning routine, we've had that from time to time. Does she know what she has to do, is it the same stuff every day? My kids have it laid out really simple: Get dressed, breakfast, pack your snack. I have them put stuff away in their back pack as soon as they're done homework at night, so that's already taken care of... and sometimes they decide to get dressed at bedtime the night before (which I think sounds really uncomfortable but whatever!) Anyway, would she do a few tasks for a reward? getting to pick their own snack is enough motivation for my kids.

I know you said she needs her uniform, but would you be willing to bring her to school in pajamas with her uniform in a bag? She can get dressed at school if she can't organize herself to do it at home. For her hair, I'd say if she won't let you brush it and can't take care of it herself, maybe she needs a shorter hair cut? 

I am v. new with school and school rules. I wonder if they'll let dd change at school. I just think it will be a distraction to the other kids and just time wasted for the teacher and for those reasons they probably will not agree. How old are your kids? Packing her snack! She won't even get out of bed and let US put on her clothes, US brush her teeth. Unfortunately, her range in snack is v. limited simply because she will not eat a variety of foods. So, it's just repetitive stuff. I had a decent  list of various items for her lunch and snack at the beginning of the year. She had agreed to them as well. But it rapidly decreased to 2-3 items.

[pbjmama]

Gifted and advanced are not the same. Talk to the teacher. Are you in the US? There are many free to you things that the school district can do as far as testing for gifted, etc.

[Neera]

Originally Posted by pbjmama 

Gifted and advanced are not the same. Talk to the teacher. Are you in the US? There are many free to you things that the school district can do as far as testing for gifted, etc.

We are in the u.s. I didn't know there are free resources. However, I find it a little pompous to ask. I think if her teacher had noticed that streak so to speak she would have mentioned it.

[meemee]

which state are you in. all states have some sort of resources. for instance in CA they test students in first grade and then from second grade they go into gifted classes. 

many times students dont show that side to their teacher. and a parent's constant prodding - wanting more challenging work does the trick. your state might have a regular testing in whichever grade or you might need to follow it up.

i hear how you feel, but also we cant fully depend on teachers. we have to be advocates for our own children. it is right now immaterial if your child is gifted or not. what is of focus it seems like she is bored of school and needs more challenging work. i did this with dd's teacher. she was grateful to have any sort of communication with the parent. she cut down on dd's busy work, and gave her more challenging work to do. i could have found the challenging work if needed. so you have to keep in touch with your teacher. plus dd's report card said the same thing. outstanding in everything but 'listening and following directions'. why because she was so bored in K that she got lost in her lalaland and couldnt even hear the teacher if she called her name (i saw it). it helped the teacher to communicate with me. in K she recognised dd's other qualities and gave dd more responsibilities apart from others assigned in class. dd loved it. her classmates loved it. she went from hating school to wanting to be there coz she believed the teacher could not do without dd's help. 

my dd is not v. academic. however she HATEs repeat work. what has kept us going is going and talking to the teacher. the teacher always thanks me and manages to give dd something to do when she knows she is doing something (like language) which dd is sick and tired of. even in grade 5. 

we have been v. lucky that dd so far has had really awesome teachers who listen. that is not a guarantee. but its worth trying. 

so dont go to the teacher saying my dd is advanced or gifted. just state your observations. 

it sounds like you are not totally aware of the school system here in the US. i am an immigrant too. so i come here and ask a lot of questions. i post on the gifted board too. the funny part is dd is gifted here but she would have fit in my school in asia and would have been excellent but not stand out as she is doing in her class here.  in the country of my birth, there was no gifted program. in fact i think our education was at a gifted level and kids had to keep up. 

[Neera]

Originally Posted by meemee 

which state are you in. all states have some sort of resources. for instance in CA they test students in first grade and then from second grade they go into gifted classes. 

many times students dont show that side to their teacher. and a parent's constant prodding - wanting more challenging work does the trick. your state might have a regular testing in whichever grade or you might need to follow it up.

i hear how you feel, but also we cant fully depend on teachers. we have to be advocates for our own children. it is right now immaterial if your child is gifted or not. what is of focus it seems like she is bored of school and needs more challenging work. i did this with dd's teacher. she was grateful to have any sort of communication with the parent. she cut down on dd's busy work, and gave her more challenging work to do. i could have found the challenging work if needed. so you have to keep in touch with your teacher. plus dd's report card said the same thing. outstanding in everything but 'listening and following directions'. why because she was so bored in K that she got lost in her lalaland and couldnt even hear the teacher if she called her name (i saw it). it helped the teacher to communicate with me. in K she recognised dd's other qualities and gave dd more responsibilities apart from others assigned in class. dd loved it. her classmates loved it. she went from hating school to wanting to be there coz she believed the teacher could not do without dd's help. 

my dd is not v. academic. however she HATEs repeat work. what has kept us going is going and talking to the teacher. the teacher always thanks me and manages to give dd something to do when she knows she is doing something (like language) which dd is sick and tired of. even in grade 5. 

we have been v. lucky that dd so far has had really awesome teachers who listen. that is not a guarantee. but its worth trying. 

so dont go to the teacher saying my dd is advanced or gifted. just state your observations. 

it sounds like you are not totally aware of the school system here in the US. i am an immigrant too. so i come here and ask a lot of questions. i post on the gifted board too. the funny part is dd is gifted here but she would have fit in my school in asia and would have been excellent but not stand out as she is doing in her class here.  in the country of my birth, there was no gifted program. in fact i think our education was at a gifted level and kids had to keep up. 

hi meemee, will get back to u a little later. have to finish whatever... bfor i pick up dd. just wanted to say your location shows "norther" instead of "northern." don't know if that's how you want it or it's a mistake. I know you were previously steeped in espanol. 

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by Neera 

I am v. new with school and school rules. I wonder if they'll let dd change at school. I just think it will be a distraction to the other kids and just time wasted for the teacher and for those reasons they probably will not agree. How old are your kids? Packing her snack! She won't even get out of bed and let US put on her clothes, US brush her teeth. Unfortunately, her range in snack is v. limited simply because she will not eat a variety of foods. So, it's just repetitive stuff. I had a decent  list of various items for her lunch and snack at the beginning of the year. She had agreed to them as well. But it rapidly decreased to 2-3 items.

Oh, if you ask them they will say no. But if she arrives at school in her PJ's they will just have to deal. Maybe she'll have to sit at the office until she is dressed, or something like that. Every kid in that class will be a distraction at some point, so try not to worry about that part of it.

We walk to school and in grade 1 both my kids went through a phase where I had to put their clothes, shoes and coat on the porch, and carry them out of the house in their PJ's when it was (a few minutes before) time to go. Once we were outside, they'd get dressed pretty quickly, they didn't want to go to school in PJ's! They didn't get their teeth brushed but I had a comb in my purse and I'd brush their hair.

My kids are 8 and 10 now, but they've been packing their own snacks right form the beginning. I don't bother with sandwiches or anything though, a typical day would be a piece of fruit, a pudding or yogurt and a cereal bar ( or rice cakes, crackers, etc) It's just dropping 3 things in a bag, but I guess since she isn't interested in variety right now it's not as fun... I think it's the having choices part that my kids liked when they were little.

[mnj77]

I second the shorter haircut.  My dd's hair has never grown past her shoulders so if we don't get a chance to brush it it still looks sort of ok.  Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed, but then I look around her classroom and all the kids look like ragamuffins in one way or another!  I try to get her teeth brushed and that's really my only requirement.  I'm not a morning person either and my routine really needs to be five minutes and nothing complicated to get me out of the house on time! 

Another thought - sometimes it helps DD get moving if I give her breakfast in the car.  Maybe you could work together to come up with a pared down morning routine, on the premise that you're going to cut out as many steps as possible so she can sleep longer?

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

I know you said she needs her uniform, but would you be willing to bring her to school in pajamas with her uniform in a bag? She can get dressed at school if she can't organize herself to do it at home. For her hair, I'd say if she won't let you brush it and can't take care of it herself, maybe she needs a shorter hair cut? 

[Neera]

Originally Posted by meemee 

which state are you in. all states have some sort of resources. for instance in CA they test students in first grade and then from second grade they go into gifted classes. 

many times students dont show that side to their teacher. and a parent's constant prodding - wanting more challenging work does the trick. your state might have a regular testing in whichever grade or you might need to follow it up.

i hear how you feel, but also we cant fully depend on teachers. we have to be advocates for our own children. it is right now immaterial if your child is gifted or not. what is of focus it seems like she is bored of school and needs more challenging work. i did this with dd's teacher. she was grateful to have any sort of communication with the parent. she cut down on dd's busy work, and gave her more challenging work to do. i could have found the challenging work if needed. so you have to keep in touch with your teacher. plus dd's report card said the same thing. outstanding in everything but 'listening and following directions'. why because she was so bored in K that she got lost in her lalaland and couldnt even hear the teacher if she called her name (i saw it). it helped the teacher to communicate with me. in K she recognised dd's other qualities and gave dd more responsibilities apart from others assigned in class. dd loved it. her classmates loved it. she went from hating school to wanting to be there coz she believed the teacher could not do without dd's help. 

my dd is not v. academic. however she HATEs repeat work. what has kept us going is going and talking to the teacher. the teacher always thanks me and manages to give dd something to do when she knows she is doing something (like language) which dd is sick and tired of. even in grade 5. 

we have been v. lucky that dd so far has had really awesome teachers who listen. that is not a guarantee. but its worth trying. 

so dont go to the teacher saying my dd is advanced or gifted. just state your observations. 

it sounds like you are not totally aware of the school system here in the US. i am an immigrant too. so i come here and ask a lot of questions. i post on the gifted board too. the funny part is dd is gifted here but she would have fit in my school in asia and would have been excellent but not stand out as she is doing in her class here.  in the country of my birth, there was no gifted program. in fact i think our education was at a gifted level and kids had to keep up. 

I haven't studied here but I have lived here for enough time to know the non-school life in general. School seems bureaucratic to say the least and confusing. The website states one thing. The school sends notices that contradict it. When I talk to the teacher she doesn't say it was a mistake or xyz has changed since it was posted on the school website. She just sort of rattles on that xyz needs to be done as mentioned in their notice. Hello! I already know that. But, why is there discrepancy? No one knows. Uniform codes aren't implemented... etc. It just sucks when you spend a fortune on unfiorm and others get away with unpermitted stuff.

Coming to the point. A parent informed that she had a talk with the teacher about the testing. In our district they won't do anything until 5th grade. But, I can still see if she's bored since she shows zero enthusiasm to go to school. It might seem like a rant about dd to the teacher. But that's the only way I can explain what's going on. Every Morning.

[Neera]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

Oh, if you ask them they will say no. But if she arrives at school in her PJ's they will just have to deal. Maybe she'll have to sit at the office until she is dressed, or something like that. Every kid in that class will be a distraction at some point, so try not to worry about that part of it.

We walk to school and in grade 1 both my kids went through a phase where I had to put their clothes, shoes and coat on the porch, and carry them out of the house in their PJ's when it was (a few minutes before) time to go. Once we were outside, they'd get dressed pretty quickly, they didn't want to go to school in PJ's! They didn't get their teeth brushed but I had a comb in my purse and I'd brush their hair.

My kids are 8 and 10 now, but they've been packing their own snacks right form the beginning. I don't bother with sandwiches or anything though, a typical day would be a piece of fruit, a pudding or yogurt and a cereal bar ( or rice cakes, crackers, etc) It's just dropping 3 things in a bag, but I guess since she isn't interested in variety right now it's not as fun... I think it's the having choices part that my kids liked when they were little.

I wish I had a porch where I could go out and wait for her. We live in an apt. complex. If she doesn't budge and won't even put on her coata and hat etc over her pajamas then really, we can't go anywhere.

[Neera]

Originally Posted by mnj77 

I second the shorter haircut.  My dd's hair has never grown past her shoulders so if we don't get a chance to brush it it still looks sort of ok.  Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed, but then I look around her classroom and all the kids look like ragamuffins in one way or another!  I try to get her teeth brushed and that's really my only requirement.  I'm not a morning person either and my routine really needs to be five minutes and nothing complicated to get me out of the house on time! 

Another thought - sometimes it helps DD get moving if I give her breakfast in the car.  Maybe you could work together to come up with a pared down morning routine, on the premise that you're going to cut out as many steps as possible so she can sleep longer?

Her hair actually is in it's best form it's every been. It was a nightmare when it was shorter because she had a fringe growing out. Right now it just needs a few strokes of the brush. Since her hair is not straight, straight, she'll need more brushing when it is shorter since it gets all wavy and untidy.

So, sometimes she just wakes up hungry. She won't do anything until she gets to eat something.  The rule is she can't eat until she at least brushes her teeth and uses the bathroom. Also she sleeps in sleeveless since she gets v. hot at night. She also should get warmer clothes on before anything else. Not wanting to eat is her way of saying why didn't you feed me earlier. She does this at other meal times too.

[Neera]

Met with teacher. She was surprised dd has screaming tantrums. She finds dd is "ready to go" as soon as class begins which she had mentioned before as well. So, what could be the issue? No one knows. She didn't find she gets bored. I asked if she requires more challenging stuff. (I believe she does since I learned about it thru this thread.) I didn't get any concrete answer on that but was told she can get 1 extra sheet with more challenging home work just-for-fun kind of thing. Dd was happy to see this extra project but it didn't really excite her to make any shift bfor school time. I didn't hear about any special tests. I learned thru a parent beforehand though, that the school system doesn't do any tests bfor 4-5th grade.

However, since Monday, when I was yelling on top of my lungs just to get her out of bed and get her to the bathroom as dh was rushing to work and physically wrestling with her from running back to he bed, both of us getting scratched in the process, I screamed saying that was that and if we aren't going to school, it's fine. However, we still need to dress and get to the prinicpal's office to explain the missed day. After all the gentle tactics and no punishment and every positive method we could think of (which would quickly turn into a negative struggle) with much sadness I have to say what has worked is the Fear of having to explain herself to a higher authority. Unfortunately, my mom (or maybe both my parents did it. I can't rememeber my dad doing it) did the same to me. She'd scare me saying she'd take me to my teacher for whatever or the principal's office. I haven't yet gotten over it. I have quite an anxiety with people in authoritative figures.