Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:33pm
I'm a huge advocate for sticking it out, making it work, marriage counseling and all that jazz, but IMO you are a perfect candidate for divorce. You dont have feelings for him, and you havent for a long time. You arent attached to him, and you dont want to be married to him. You are in a situation where you have great emotional support, so what better time?
Do you think that through marriage counseling you could fall back in love with him and want to have sex with him and share all of your emotions with him again? If you can answer yes, than I'd give it a shot. But if you answer no, I'd just start thinking about your best exit strategy.
You said you've felt this way for about three years, same time about DS was born/conceived/appeared. Perhaps it is a hormonal thing? (don't take offense, just something that popped out) Or maybe he isn't available the same way now that there are children...
How long have you been with him? I know about 3-4 years into my relationship with my now husband I also wanted to leave. We were both in bad places and I am sure he wanted to dip too. (I think it's called the 7 year itch?)
Love changes too I think, it isn't about the fluttery stuff anymore. It is real and flawed. I think Christian counseling, with someone neither of you know, may help you explain some things to him that he would not otherwise hear...
I am a Christian too, just fyi.
I don't know. Just trying to help you honey. Many hugs!!!
Wow in a situation like that it would slowly grind away at me for sure. Oh hun. I'm so sorry. The the only thing I can think of is marriage counselling before you seperate because you're right he does sound pretty selfish and stubborn and that doesn't sound like the kind of thing that is going to change unless he wants to change. Maybe counselling would give him a kick in the ass. KWIM? But in the end it comes down to even if he reformed would you want to stay with him? It doesn't really sound like it. IN the end you might really start to resent your situation and that wouldn't be a good place to be in either because then the arguing would get worse.
11 years, 2 kids and i tell you it was worth it for me. i am with someone that is amazing and so compatible for me. we have 2 beautiful little girls together and even X is happy. he's been with his GF for 3.5 years, they bought a house together and he's in school. we are both better off with other people, we are both healthier and it's better for our boys to have 2 happy parents living apart.
What really stuck out at me is how you said he was your best friend. That is huge. Do you want to live without your best friend?
Marriage is really hard. It is wonderful and terrible. That is why there are all of those vows listing good things and their bad opposite. Because live in relationship with anyone for a long time and you are going to live it all. It is really hard.
It seems like you worry you have not found your soulmate. Or perhaps experienced enough relationships and are missing out on a crucial experience. I am married to my first boyfriend and have had similar questions. But I am glad that I stuck out the hard times because I can honestly say that our love has grown and changed over the years.
My advice would be to get counseling for yourself first and possibly couples therapy after you have worked through some of our own stuff. You have created a family and I think it is in everyones best interests for you to take care of yourself.
Day to day living is usually not exciting and it is easy to get into ruts and forget to see the beauty in people. Can you start a gratitude journal and try to see things that you might overlook normally? I think your love can grow and your sex life can blossom. Both will forever be changing no matter who you are married to.
How do you feel about him having custody of the kids. Because it could really go anyway in the custody fight. He could end up with full custody. And it might seem now like he will let you walk away with his kids but don't count on it staying that way. Even if you get full custody now he can fight you and fight you for the next 18 years. Divorce is never easy. This is what divorce came down to me. Not how much I did or did not love my husband but what I was willing to give up to get away from him. I have been divorced for 5 years (he was sleeping with other women for the last 6 years of our marriage and he was becoming increasingly abusive) and some days I still question if I made the right choice. Being married to him was soul sucking awful but at least I did not have to send my kids away with him. Every day of the last five years has been some degree of bad. I could protect my kids better from him when we were still married. I could protect myself better. I could pretty much live my life and parent my kids on my terms. Now he controls my life more than when we were married. he abuses my spirit and harrasses me more than ever when we were married. And I lose my kids every other weekend, one night a week, many holidays and as much as half the summer. And now he is marrying the mistress and my kids will be forced to live with the woman who wrecked their family. Some days it just seems easier if I would have just endured it. I do not regret the six years I spent making up my mind. And he settled for MINIMUM custody. he could have fought for a 50/50 split. he still threatens this about once a week. This could be MUCH worse. Some other things to consider....do not count on support. I know many women who are awarded nothing. especially in cases of 50/50 split custody. Also do not count on friends. my husband cheated on me. I still lost ALL my friends. Some refused to "choose sides" and how can I trust people who are friends with the guy who ruined everything with his bad choices? and others just faded. We had so little in common any more. I am doing all of this without any real life friends. I would have never taken this on just because things had cooled off. I am not trying to scare you but this is the reality of divorce. It is ugly. Swing on over to the single parent forum and take a spin. Look specifically at people fighting for their children because I am guessing he will not go down without a fight. I would definitely try to work on your marriage before making any hasty decisions. You have all the time in the world to work on this and take things slowly and make up your mind. I think you owe it to your kids to try and work on this. Don't think that because they are young this will be easy for them. I was 6 weeks old when my parents split up. It has never been easy. It has effected me every day of the last 38 years. Sorry to be a debbie downer but this is the reality of divorce.
I would suggest trying a couples getaway. Something meant to help rekindle or improve your relationship. If you still feel the same after that trip then maybe you can continue with the divorce path.
DH and I have had our moments and talked about the fact that maybe we weren't the best match to get married, but in the end we have decided to stick it out for the sake of our children and we have been working towards improving our relationship. It's still not perfect but it's improving with each day. Also, my hormones played a HUGE role in the shift of things. Not just pregnancy wise, but now I have learned I have an autoimmune disease of the thyroid which also affects my hormones and depression, etc. That knowledge took a huge weight off of us as well because we felt like we had some answers.
I'm hoping for restoration. Sorry for all I've done. I have lots to work on. I didn't even realize what I've done until I saw it written down. I feel broken. I'm sorry. I plan on changing everything I do and making all things new again. I love you. Forgive me.