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Four years, two kids, and... the D word?

Poll Results: I should leave.

 
  • 16% (1)
    I should stick it out.
  • 83% (5)
    We should try marriage counseling.
6 Total Votes  
post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 

  


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:33pm
post #2 of 20
Thread Starter 

  


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:33pm
post #3 of 20
Thread Starter 

   


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:34pm
post #4 of 20

Have you talked about attending counseling with him? 

post #5 of 20

I'm a huge advocate for sticking it out, making it work, marriage counseling and all that jazz, but IMO you are a perfect candidate for divorce. You dont have feelings for him, and you havent for a long time. You arent attached to him, and you dont want to be married to him. You are in a situation where you have great emotional support, so what better time?

 

Do you think that through marriage counseling you could fall back in love with him and want to have sex with him and share all of your emotions with him again? If you can answer yes, than I'd give it a shot. But if you answer no, I'd just start thinking about your best exit strategy. 

post #6 of 20
Thread Starter 

  


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:34pm
post #7 of 20
Thread Starter 

  


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:34pm
post #8 of 20

You said you've felt this way for about three years, same time about DS was born/conceived/appeared. Perhaps it is a hormonal thing? (don't take offense, just something that popped out) Or maybe he isn't available the same way now that there are children...

 

How long have you been with him? I know about 3-4 years into my relationship with my now husband I also wanted to leave. We were both in bad places and I am sure he wanted to dip too. (I think it's called the 7 year itch?)

 

Love changes too I think, it isn't about the fluttery stuff anymore. It is real and flawed. I think Christian counseling, with someone neither of you know, may help you explain some things to him that he would not otherwise hear... 

 

I am a Christian too, just fyi. 

 

I don't know. Just trying to help you honey. Many hugs!!!

post #9 of 20
Thread Starter 

   


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:34pm
post #10 of 20

Ugh. That sounds awful.

 

I'm sorry you're in this boat. Been praying for you today. 

 

Hugs. 

post #11 of 20
Thread Starter 

   


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:34pm
post #12 of 20

Wow in a situation like that it would slowly grind away at me for sure. Oh hun. I'm so sorry. The the only thing I can think of is marriage counselling before you seperate because you're right he does sound pretty selfish and stubborn and that doesn't sound like the kind of thing that is going to change unless he wants to change. Maybe counselling would give him a kick in the ass. KWIM? But in the end it comes down to even if he reformed would you want to stay with him? It doesn't really sound like it. IN the end you might really start to resent your situation and that wouldn't be a good place to be in either because then the arguing would get worse.

post #13 of 20
Your kids are about the same age mine were when I left X. In my case, leaving was 100% the right choice.

If it helps, here is a bit of info about my/my kids' experience:

XH was not an involved parent or husband (the husband part is after reflection - I didn't really have high standards for a husband, and his deficits in this area weren't huge factors in my decision to leave). He was selfish and I did enable those behaviors with my attached parenting - extended bfing allowed him to argue that I handle all/most childcare, as he "can't nurse the kids to sleep" (or to calm down, etc....nursing is so magical that it can solve all problems, don't youkknow? Lol). He was impatient and harsh to our son, so I shielded DS as best I could. DD was the clear favorite, even as a baby (and that still impacts ds/dd's relationship, years later).

What finally made my decision to leave was realizing that my children were watching and learning how to behave in relationships. I could not abide my son thinking that it was acceptable to treat anyone as I was being treated, let alone a spouse/SO. Dd was younger, but same thought applied - if her future spouse/SO treated her the way I was being treated, I would want her to leave. Funny, how I was willing to put up with being disrespected and in a dysfunctional relationship if it was just me being affected, but once I realized I was modeling for.my kids, the behavior was unacceptable.

So I gave XH the choice of counseling or divorce . And I was ready to leave should he refuse counseling. I had suggested/asked previously , and he refused, saying the problem was me/my expectations . I did a lot of reading - self help, relationship help, etc. (Too good to leave, too bad to stay was a frequent reference suggestion). And I finally realized that even though things weren't *that bad*, they still weren't ok. When I offered counseling or divorce, I thought it was about 75% chance that he would go right for divorce.

We went to 3 counseling sessions. The first 2 were XH complaining about me. Seriously. At the third session, the counselor cut him off and asked me what *I* thought was going on. I shared that I wasn't feeling respected or appreciated, let alone wanted or cherished. Gave some specific examples, which XH triedo argue about. The counselor gave XH the assignment of arranging a date night - securing childcare, making reservations /arrangements, etc, and then XH was to call and schedule our next counseling appt. None of that ever happened.

I left about 3 months later for a visit to my family.....when it came time for the kids and I to return to xh, I just could not. It was clear that he was not interested in building a strong relationship or family, and I could not feel ok about modeling that to the kids. XH did not put up any fight when I told him, and his actions after that conversation made it quite clear that I had made the right decision: he bailed. Cleaned out our joint account, sold my car without tellling me or sharing the proceeds (in fact, he went out and purchased a new 2 door sports car with that $ lol). He had NO contact with the kids for 6 months , then called a couple times, then no more contact for months again. He took about a 3 yr break from being a parents, until he remarried and New Wifey wanted to play house .

I have no regrets about leaving. I am glad I insisted on counseling - it made it clear that only one of us wanted a good healthy relationship, and I was able to know I had tried everything /given him all the chances I could .

I am now in a healthy, loving, supportive relationship and feel proud every day that my bf and I are modeling that for my kids . Of course, I am also glad to be experiencing a healthy relationship ! It is wonderful to feel supported and loved just as I am. I don't know that I would have demanded that for myself, buyt I am so glad I knew my kids needed and deserved better.


Don't know if that is helpful or not....I know I wrestled a lot with feeling selfish - I was a sahm, we were financially stable, there wasn't clear abuse etc...was it right to break up a family, just bc I wasn't happy ? For a long time I said no and stayed....until I realized that my son was seeing how I was treated, and that what he experienced would become his "normal", and that was NOT OK.


Good luck in making your decision !
post #14 of 20
Thread Starter 

   


Edited by shallow - 12/14/12 at 8:34pm
post #15 of 20

11 years, 2 kids and i tell you it was worth it for me.  i am with someone that is amazing and so compatible for me.  we have 2 beautiful little girls together and even X is happy. he's been with his GF for 3.5 years, they bought a house together and he's in school.  we are both better off with other people, we are both healthier and it's better for our boys to have 2 happy parents living apart.
 

post #16 of 20

What really stuck out at me is how you said he was your best friend.  That is huge.  Do you want to live without your best friend?  

Marriage is really hard.  It is wonderful and terrible.  That is why there are all of those vows listing good things and their bad opposite.  Because live in relationship with anyone for a long time and you are going to live it all.  It is really hard.

It seems like you worry you have not found your soulmate.  Or perhaps experienced enough relationships and are missing out on a crucial experience.  I am married to my first boyfriend and have had similar questions.  But I am glad that I stuck out the hard times because I can honestly say that our love has grown and changed over the years.  

My advice would be to get counseling for yourself first and possibly couples therapy after you have worked through some of our own stuff.  You have created a family and I think it is in everyones best interests for you to take care of yourself.  

Day to day living is usually not exciting and it is easy to get into ruts and forget to see the beauty in people.  Can you start a gratitude journal and try to see things that you might overlook normally?  I think your love can grow and your sex life can blossom.  Both will forever be changing no matter who you are married to.    

post #17 of 20

How do you feel about him having custody of the kids.  Because it could really go anyway in the custody fight.  He could end up with full custody.  And it might seem now like  he will let you walk away with his kids but don't count on it staying that way.  Even if you get full custody now he can fight you and fight you for the next 18 years.  Divorce is never easy.  This is what divorce came down to me. Not how much I did or did not love my husband but what I was willing to give up to get away from him.  I have been divorced for 5 years (he was sleeping with other women for the last 6 years of our marriage and he was becoming increasingly abusive) and some days I still question if I made the right choice.  Being married to him was soul sucking awful but at least I did not have to send my kids away with him.  Every day of the last five years has been some degree of bad.  I could protect my kids better from him when we were still married.  I could protect myself better.  I could pretty much live my life and parent my kids on my terms.  Now he controls my life more than when we were married.  he abuses my spirit and harrasses me more than ever when we were married.  And I lose my kids every other weekend, one night a week, many holidays and as much as half the summer.  And now he is marrying the mistress and my kids will be forced to live with the woman who wrecked their family.  Some days it just seems easier if I would  have just endured it.   I do not regret the six years I spent making up my mind.   And he settled for MINIMUM custody.  he could have fought for a 50/50 split. he still threatens this about once a week. This could be MUCH worse.  Some other things to consider....do not count on support.   I know many women who are awarded nothing.  especially in cases of 50/50 split custody.  Also do not count on friends.  my husband cheated on me.  I still lost ALL  my friends.  Some refused to "choose sides" and how can I trust people who are friends with the guy who ruined everything with his bad choices?  and others just faded.  We had so little in common any more.  I am doing all of this without any real life friends. I would have never taken this on just because things had cooled off. I am not trying to scare you but this is the reality of divorce.  It is ugly.  Swing on over to the single parent forum and take a spin.  Look specifically at people fighting for their children because I am guessing he will not go down without a fight. I would definitely try to work on your marriage before making any hasty decisions.  You have all the time in the world to work on this and take things slowly and make up your mind.  I think you owe it to your kids to try and work on this.  Don't think that because they are young this will be easy for them.  I was 6 weeks old when my parents split up.  It has never been easy.  It has effected me every day of the last 38 years.  Sorry to be a debbie downer but this is the reality of divorce.


Edited by lilyka - 12/7/12 at 5:47pm
post #18 of 20

I would suggest trying a couples getaway. Something meant to help rekindle or improve your relationship. If you still feel the same after that trip then maybe you can continue with the divorce path.

 

DH and I have had our moments and talked about the fact that maybe we weren't the best match to get married, but in the end we have decided to stick it out for the sake of our children and we have been working towards improving our relationship. It's still not perfect but it's improving with each day. Also, my hormones played a HUGE role in the shift of things. Not just pregnancy wise, but now I have learned I have an autoimmune disease of the thyroid which also affects my hormones and depression, etc. That knowledge took a huge weight off of us as well because we felt like we had some answers.

post #19 of 20

I hope to right all the wrongs and be made new for you. Forgive me. You deserve the best. Your dh,  - j. 

post #20 of 20

I'm hoping for restoration. Sorry for all I've done. I have lots to work on. I didn't even realize what I've done until I saw it written down. I feel broken. I'm sorry. I plan on changing everything I do and making all things new again. I love you. Forgive me. 

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