Wife may have PPD. I need some advice from Mom's and Dad's on how to help.

[ancestors]

Hello. My wife and I have been together for seven years. Married for two and a half. We had our first child (planned) four months ago. He is wonderful and we both love him very much. She is a natural with him while I am learning something new every day. She has her own business and when I am home she is at work and when I am at work she is at home. Two days a week he is with a baby sitter while we both work. Anyways, you get the point that we both spend a lot of time working/with our baby. Very little free time to ourselves right now.  

She has been very grumpy the past few weeks. Every little thing I do sets her off. I am a good husband and she will even admit it. Everything I do is to make life easier on her when she is home with the baby. I do almost all of the household chores so she can relax with him while she is not at work. She realizes this. 

Today she said that she first realized that she "hated her husband" and knows she has no reason to. Her mind is really messed up and she doesn't understand why she harbors so much resentment for me when she shouldn't at all. She immediately called her OBGYN who is either going to call her back or call in a prescription for her. So she realizes that she may have PPD (even though the more I read I think she may have PPSD). She took the first step in getting better which is great but it is still really really hard to hear your wife say that she hates you for no reason.

A. I need to know what I need to do to help her. Stay away from her? Help out more? I do everything for her. I go out of my way to make her days better. I am too the point now where I don't know what to do! Either way it is the wrong decision and she ends up pissed off at me. 

B. How do I deal with this on myself? It's really hard to have your wife hate you when you are supposed to lean on each other during these times. How do I not harbor any resentment for the way she is being towards me? 

Anyone who has been there and back, please help me understand how to help her and help myself. 

Thank you. 

[sunanthem]

I am sorry you are both going through this right now. I don't have experience with ppd, but I saw your post was unanswered and I see you are really struggling with this. It is wonderful that she realises something isn't right and has called for help, that's a big step! I truly wouldn't take what she says about hating you seriously right now. It's hard enough being a new parent, and parenting a newborn, with the constant care, interrupted sleep, the stress of now being responsible for someone other then oneself, and more.. and then throwing in having to work and also not see the baby half the day and not seeing you much either.. that's alot of stress as it is, and it can be very hard. And also remember, the effects of pregnancy don't go away when you have a baby.. her body needs a year to recover. Her hormones are all out of whack, and she could be missing some vitamins or minerals that it really needs. Also she may be processing her birth experience which can be very emotional. Counseling and nutrition counseling could also possibly help.

You are a good partner for helping her and supporting her. Give her some time to figure out what's going on and conitinue to support her. Also keep talking to her about what she needs, even if that's for you to leave her alone for a bit.. but also don't forget to remember your own needs and boundaries when you do talk. Tell her that what she said deeply hurt and scared you.. and maybe make a rule to not say those things to each other.. to try to be open and share what bothers you with each other, so you two can come to an understanding of what's cool and what's not.

I wish you both the best and stay strong through the good times and bad.

[MeepyCat]

PPD is tough.  I say this practically every time someone brings up a PPD question:  I can't tell whether you're dealing with PPD or not, but this particular diagnosis (which it seems like doctors hand out to every woman who is ever depressed if there is a baby anywhere on the horizon) is hugely helpful in getting help, and in getting insurance to pay for it.  In that way, PPD is a fantastic diagnosis.  (By the way, I can't find what PPSD means - did you mean PTSD?)

That said:  I can see how your situation could lead to the reaction your wife is having.

It sounds like you barely see each other.  You're basically taking turns with the baby.  That can make it really hard to feel like you're a team.  It's really easy to feel overwhelmed when you're alone with a baby, and trapped, and even a little abandoned.  All of that can make you feel really resentful to your partner - even if you know your partner's coming at the end of your shift.  Throw on some hormones and probably some sleep deprivation?  I doubt you can medicate your way out of this.  Medication helps with brain chemistry.  It's not going to move the load of resentment that comes from feeling like your teammate has become a ship that passes in the night.  Talk therapy would probably be a good additional approach, maybe for both of you.  It could certainly help you deal with having a depressed partner.

Other question - when DO you two sleep?  You say you are always either working or with the baby, which of you is doing the nights?  How does the baby sleep?  Is this system working out so that one of you is more sleep deprived then the other?  If so, you have GOT to fix this.  If there are PTSD issues, it's even more important to make sure she's got adequate support systems for stress, and that she's getting enough sleep. 

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by ancestors 

Hello. My wife and I have been together for seven years. Married for two and a half. We had our first child (planned) four months ago. He is wonderful and we both love him very much. She is a natural with him while I am learning something new every day. She has her own business and when I am home she is at work and when I am at work she is at home. Two days a week he is with a baby sitter while we both work. Anyways, you get the point that we both spend a lot of time working/with our baby. Very little free time to ourselves right now.  

She has been very grumpy the past few weeks. Every little thing I do sets her off. I am a good husband and she will even admit it. Everything I do is to make life easier on her when she is home with the baby. I do almost all of the household chores so she can relax with him while she is not at work. She realizes this. 

Today she said that she first realized that she "hated her husband" and knows she has no reason to. Her mind is really messed up and she doesn't understand why she harbors so much resentment for me when she shouldn't at all. She immediately called her OBGYN who is either going to call her back or call in a prescription for her. So she realizes that she may have PPD (even though the more I read I think she may have PPSD). She took the first step in getting better which is great but it is still really really hard to hear your wife say that she hates you for no reason.

A. I need to know what I need to do to help her. Stay away from her? Help out more? I do everything for her. I go out of my way to make her days better. I am too the point now where I don't know what to do! Either way it is the wrong decision and she ends up pissed off at me. 

B. How do I deal with this on myself? It's really hard to have your wife hate you when you are supposed to lean on each other during these times. How do I not harbor any resentment for the way she is being towards me? 

Anyone who has been there and back, please help me understand how to help her and help myself. 

Thank you. 

Just hang in there and keep loving her. She will get through it and remember you for it!

[Snapdragon]

Help her out more!!! Do not stay away from her. Try to forgive her and be kind and understanding. having a first baby always throws one's life into completely something different. Especially regarding lack of down time. My husband and I never fought before we had a kid and now we bicker sometimes, mostly just due to both being exhausted! Can you have the babysitter come when neither of you are working so you can have down time together? do not leave her alone- she may feel abandoned. Just say- I know this is so hard- hang in there, it will ease up at some point. Raising a kid is hard work!!! even just one