Siblings present at birth

[SplashingPuddle]

I am trying to decide whether to have my 3 year old present at our baby's birth. My previous home birth was anything but relaxing and I spent a lot of time screaming and wishing for it to finally end. So not exactly what I would hope to have another child present for.  That said, I am wondering if it will be different this time, and whether to have my daughter around the house for birth.

Are you planning to have siblings present? And if you've had siblings present, what was good and bad about it? 

[rnra]

I have not personally given birth with siblings present.  However, I have participated in births with siblings present.  

If you do decide to have the siblings present, please please please make back-up plans for someone to watch the kids elsewhere if the siblings don't want to participate or you decide that you don't want them there.  Preferably this would be someone that the kids are familiar with such as a grandparent or close family friend. I've heard of some families selecting a "birthing buddy" for the older child.  That person is there to do whatever the child wants.  They are not there to assist mom with the birth or even to witness it if the child doesn't want to.  They are there to play with the sibling, take them to the park, make them lunch, etc.  In one birth I am familiar with, the father ended up missing the birth because his older child was distraught and wanted to leave but there was no one available to watch him.

Also, please make it clear to your child that she is not required to be there and that she is welcome to come and go from the birthing room as she chooses.  I think it would be great to educate her as much as possible regarding what is expected to happen and invite her to be with you, but also make it clear that she can always leave if she wants to.  I've also participated in births where the mom was so set on the siblings being present that the kids were essentially forced to watch the birth against their will.  Some kids aren't interested, some don't want to see that, some get scared, etc. and these kids should be allowed an easy out if they want to.  Other kids absolutely love the process and want to be there the whole time and see every little thing.

Good luck!

[jldumm]

Originally Posted by rnra 

I have not personally given birth with siblings present.  However, I have participated in births with siblings present.  

If you do decide to have the siblings present, please please please make back-up plans for someone to watch the kids elsewhere if the siblings don't want to participate or you decide that you don't want them there.  Preferably this would be someone that the kids are familiar with such as a grandparent or close family friend. I've heard of some families selecting a "birthing buddy" for the older child.  That person is there to do whatever the child wants.  They are not there to assist mom with the birth or even to witness it if the child doesn't want to.  They are there to play with the sibling, take them to the park, make them lunch, etc.  In one birth I am familiar with, the father ended up missing the birth because his older child was distraught and wanted to leave but there was no one available to watch him.

Also, please make it clear to your child that she is not required to be there and that she is welcome to come and go from the birthing room as she chooses.  I think it would be great to educate her as much as possible regarding what is expected to happen and invite her to be with you, but also make it clear that she can always leave if she wants to.  I've also participated in births where the mom was so set on the siblings being present that the kids were essentially forced to watch the birth against their will.  Some kids aren't interested, some don't want to see that, some get scared, etc. and these kids should be allowed an easy out if they want to.  Other kids absolutely love the process and want to be there the whole time and see every little thing.

Good luck!

Very well put.

i have never had a sibling present...... The first time, my body was waiting until she left and i literally gave birth while she was in the driveway with the Friend who was taking her away.

and the second time they both slept through.

I think i am a lone birther with just my hubby there and midwife in the back ground..

good luck with what you decide.

[Le24]

I have 3 children, and each time all of the siblings were at the birth.  As we always do everything else together as a family, I really couldn't imagine them not being present at such an amazing, family changing event.

My daughter was 4 years old and present at #2 birth.  I had a homebirth, and the midwife woke my daughter up in the middle of the night only moments before #2 was born.  One of my strongest memories of the birth was pushing and seeing my daughters huge smile while seeing her baby sister born.

When I had #3 my two daughters were 6 and 10yo.  I had another homebirth, and they were both present for that birth as well.  I honestly couldn't imagine them not having been there, and feel that there was very strong bonding in seeing their siblings being born.

We did prepare them in advance by being present at the pre-natals with midwife, reading books and having them watch natural birth videos so they knew what to expect.

I am now pregnant with #4, and my son will be 3yo when it is born.  I would like for him to be there--but I'm not sure yet if I should have somebody there with him in case he isn't interested, or is clingy to me and I want some space.  I don't have anyone I would be comfortable having at the birth.  My daughter was 4--and there is a huge differance in understanding between a 4yo and a 3yo.  However, I have watched birth videos with him, and he is in absolute awe and such a HUGE smile when the baby is born--so I really would like him to be there.  We will see.

I just wanted to share my experience's with having children at my births.

[Dove84]

We're debating this with DD, she will be 15 m old when her sibling is born (homebirth) We have no family here, no one to stay at our house and watch her, so our only options are to have her at the birth (and DH supervising her) or to have her stay at a friends house.  She has only been separated from us once, for one hour.  I don't know what would be more traumatic for her, watching my labour and birth or going to a near strangers house for perhaps a day.  Hopefully this baby will be born at night so she'll just sleep through it (maybe, lol).

[loveandgarbage]

I'm on the fence about this too. My mom will be their caregiver during the birth. But we're not sure if she'll stay with them here or take them to back to her place. We're just going to play it by ear. If they are sleeping we don't plan to wake them up.

[tiqa]

I really don't want my kids at the birth.  Really and really don't.  I need to focus on the birth - and I want to be selfish and demand DH's complete attention - and I can't divide my attention on the young kiddos.  They're chaotic at the best of times.  (My son is on the spectrum, my daughter is, well, she's 4!)  But I can't find anyone to watch them.  We don't have family, we don't have friends.  I've looked and searched and asked and begged everyone I could for about six months.  I tried hiring babysitters, asking neighbors, in the homeschool group...   No one.  The only person I could ask would be a doula I could hire for like $400, and we can't pay that for a couple of hours.  (My labors are really short.)  We're kind of in the country and don't have a strict due date (just "sometime around the holidays") and no one can/will sign up to watch them.

So.

Ho-hum... =/

[rnra]

Just a thought...have you asked your midwife for suggestions regarding someone to watch the kids? I wonder if the midwives may know of someone in the area who could help.  

[tiqa]

If you were saying that to me - our mw doesn't live here.  There is a biggish city about 45 mins away where there would be tons of people, but a) we get bad winter roads and b) there is no specific date range and c) my labors tend to go so fast I don't know/think they would be able to make it.  We're not even sure the mw will be able to make it...  Or, on the other hand, that we'd be able to make it to the hospital in time (if we were planning on a hospital birth).

(You'd think that means that there wouldn't be much concen about having the kids occuppied, but there's always the "what if" factor - what if it takes longer, what if I had to transfer, etc.)

[Adaline'sMama]

DD was present for DS's labor, just because it was so fast and our childcare provider wasnt there yet. I had a really hard time during labor because I wanted DH's help, but he was busy keeping DD entertained (she wanted to be held). Also, she kept wanting to hug and touch me, which wasn't really okay with me because I felt like my skin was crawling the whole time. We booted her out of the room as soon as MIL arrived to take her, and in the end I wish we hadnt because DS was born 6 minutes after she left the room. At that point, I wish she'd just stayed to see it. 

[philomom]

My daughter was only 2 and a half when her brother was born. I did not think at that tender age that she needed to see her mom uncomfortable. She had a great sleepover with a trusted friend and we were reunited 24 hours later.

[Detcb]

We are planning on having 2.5 YO DD at the birth in January. I am with a MW in a hospital setting. We do not have family near by, but my mom is talking about coming up. Our bare bones plan is have DH be DD's labor support person and we have a doula for me. So he can come and go with her as needed. I'm not sure how this would play out differently if my mom is here, I don't want her at the birth, so DD might stay home with her in that case. And we haven't decided what we will do if I need to go in the middle of the night.

We have been talking about what labor and delivery will look and sound like to prepare her.
 

[CountryMommy]

I think it would be wonderful for my children to attend the birth if they were older and they wanted to be part of the experience but I feel that they are just too young right now (will be 3 and 5 at baby's birth) I think seeing me in pain would probably be traumatic for them and I really want to be able to focus on the labour without distractions.

[Peony]

My children drive me insane when I am in labor. The little voices is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me! That being said, they have been around or at least in the same house as me while I've given birth. 

While in labor with DD2, my labor stalled out some until I was able to find a hiding spot away from DD1. Granted, I do like laboring entirely alone, no DH, no one, just me. She came in to watch once I was pushing and that was fine. She remembered DD2s birth for years, she may still. I haven't asked in quite some time. When DS1 was born, the two girls were 2 and 6 and bouncing around downstairs for the entire labor. It drove me insane every time one would pop their head in the bedroom to check on me. THe plan was to call them in at the very end again but I went from thinking it was going to be a while to having him in about 3 minutes, there wasn't even time to call downstairs to get them. They came right up afterwards. They were 8,4, and 2 when DS2 was born and that was my only middle of the night labor/birth. DD2 was actually at a sleepover, we elected not to bring her home, we woke up DD1 to wake and left DS1 sleeping. After DS2 was born, DH eventually found DS1 wandering around the house trying to figure out what was going on! I was very glad that we didn't purposely wake him though. 

My plans have always worked because I had people to call if I needed to and I do not rely on DH for any emotional support, if anything I like that he focuses on the kids because that means he is not focusing on me. 

[SplashingPuddle]

Today I spoke with my midwife about having children present at birth, and she said that it is often easier for younger kids than older ones (over 10 years). She also said a child will also behave in labour a bit like they would when in her office or when the parent is on the phone and distracted.  And there is a lot of variability how children respond in those situations.  She said it is easier at home than at the hospital because the child feels secure in the environment and can come and go as needed.  That said, she was really encouraging of having our toddler present.  Has anyone else spoken to their midwives about having their children present? Was your care provider encouraging of the idea or not?  Did they have any advice of how to best do it?

[greenemami]

My then almost 3-year-old daughter was present at my son's birth and I LOVED it!  She actually cut his cord (with help, obviously) and it was such a special moment for all of us :)

That said, dp was there as MY support person, not hers-my parents and sisters helped watch her so that I could concentrate during labor and then she sat with them during the birth so that dp could help me.  She did come cuddle in bed with me for a little while when I was in labor though, which ended up with some funny pictures :)

I would go for it, just make sure you have an alternate plan in case she or you doesn't handle it well! 

[Dove84]

I just asked my MW about having DD there and she said it was fine with them, if we are comfortable with it the MW's are ok.  Just to watch DD and see how she is handling it.  We didn't go into details as we've pretty much decided to have some friends take DD if my labour is in the daytime, we already had a family offer to watch her.  My labour with DD was short (less than 4 hours) so if it's short again it certainly won't be a big deal to have her away a few hours.  I'd much prefer DD NOT to be there, but at least if we can't get someone to take her I know she should be ok at home (she is a pretty sensitive toddler, when my MW was checking me at our home visit today she refused to play or do anything else, just sat there with wide eyes analyzing every move my MW made!  lol) 

[IronMam]

DD (who will be 4), will be allowed to be present provided that:

A: She wants to be and

B: I want her there once I'm actually in labor.

My favorite BIL lives in our rental with us (he took the basement half of the house), and will, if all goes according to plan, be DD's "go-to grown up." He can hang out with her and watch movies/play games down in his space, or take her to the park, or whatever.

At least, that's my plan for now.

I think the hardest part for DD will be dealing with her disappointment when she can't play in the birth tub with me (I anticipate wanting the tub to myself, and possibly not even having DP join me).

[BeanMama]

My DS was 2yrs4mos when his first sister was born and the labor was so fast that my mom couldn't get to us in time to take him away so yes he was right there when she came out.  In the end I thought it was very sweet for him that he was there, especially because he had participated in all midwife appointments so he was very aware of some aspects of pregnancy and was already calling himself a midwife.  But we hadn't discussed very many details about the birthing process with him in advance, not expecting him to be there for it.  It was a bit freaky for him, exacerbated by the speed and intensity of everything, and DH held him a few feet away so they had a view from above my waist, not below. 

Because of this, DH wasn't at all hands-on for DD's birth.  It also meant that DH whisked DS out of the room right after she was born and they went for a walk while I got cleaned up.  So DH missed her first few moments and the chance to cut her umbilical cord -- which I ended up doing myself! 

Be prepared for the possibility that your DD may want to talk about her experience with everyone and anyone in the subsequent months. In our case, the tidbit that DS chose to share widely was that there was a lot of noise and blood and that his baby sister was born out of my ASS!!  Which of course everyone found funny and cute (the ass part, not the noise/blood part), although it was a bit awkward at times depending on who he was telling.

We did not have our kids in the room when DD#2 was born a few years later. 

Good luck!

Edited by BeanMama - 11/29/12 at 6:46pm

[atopz94]

I was ten years old when my mother gave birth for the second time. My brother's father and his other children chose not to be present but I found it to be a great experience to watch my mother bring my little brother into the world. I even held her hand for part of it, cheering her on. I don't know if this will be the same emotional experience for a child so young, but if I hadn't been there to see my brother's birth I would've regretted it.