I need a little advice...hopefully this is the right place, since it's about parents!
Ist's Thanksgiving week, and my parents are expecting my husband, my son, and myself to come over for dinner today. Yep, I waited that long to try to beg off.
I don't want to go. I'm 37w4d pregnant, my right leg is swelling (positional issue with the pregnancy, we're working on scooting him around to improve circulation), my dad's a HEAVY smoker, and my mother and I haven't talked in years. This is only important to my dad "this once, this year" because he believes he's ill and this may be "The Last Thanksgiving." Having been in contact with his doctors, I know better - he's confronting mortality due to his age, but he's in no way going to die in the next year due to the medical things he's worried about, as those things don't exist. He's got it in his head that he has certain conditions, and no matter what's disproved, it's still real to him.
I don't want to let him down, but I don't want my family to be around all the secondhand smoke, especially my son. Being real, it'll be first-hand smoke too. My dad can't make it through an afternoon/evening without lighting up AND he won't smoke outside - his house, his rules.
I don't want to deal with the stress of my mother, who rides my husband, rides me, purposefully makes interactions hostile, confrontational, tense, and unpleasant, and makes comments about my son.
I don't want to drive an hour one-way for this. I feel like crap, physically, from the pregnancy, and since I'm bloating my mother will make a HUGE deal out of how irresponsible I am to have a homebirth. It's too much. (For various reasons, my husband is not able to drive right now. And my midwife says I'm just fine to birth at home. Plus, this is my second HB.)
Finally, and this is just whining, it's FREEZING, and I have no extra money for gas for this mini-road-trip. Doesn't make the situation appealing.
I've offered to have them at my home, where I can control the smoking - but that was shot down. I will re-offer when I call later, but I'm willing to bet it will be shot down again. The smoking is non-negotiable for him. I've told him I'm uncomfortable with my mother, and he says I need to get over it because it's his holiday (Again, just this once. Because he thinks he might be sick. If the situation with my mother hasn't been resolved in four years, it's not going to be resolved over a poorly cooked dead bird.)
It's a toxic situation, but that's still my dad. I don't want to disappoint or hurt him, because he doesn't handle that well. I don't want to put myself, my son, or my husband in a miserable situation, either. It's going to be unfair to someone.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can break this down to him? Compromises I can suggest? Failing that, any excuses that might work? Trust me, I feel bad. I know it's a tough meal to cook, it's an expense on their part, he's opening his home to us, etc etc. I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I'm trying to protect myself and I never learned how to draw an effective line with my family.
Thanks for any help you can offer!